Theresa's Tapestry: tough first year of marriage

[silvia]

I usually read Theresa's blog (theresastapestry.blogspot.com) happily--she has a cute writing style, and I like seeing pics of her son and her home improvement projects (she's got a good sense of style). The most recent post, though, jarred me. She writes, "Let's just say our first year of marriage wasn't easy. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of brokenness." She goes on to talk about how they've had to fight to stay together.

On one hand, I wonder what she's talking about. Is it money troubles? Has Trent been running around on her or something? On the other hand, I think some of the issues they're having are predictable enough. When you marry at around nineteen without ever having kissed anyone or lived away from home, get pregnant within a month of taking your vows, and give up your new job within the first few months of the pregnancy, there are bound to be some seismic dislocations going on during your first year of marriage. (I also wonder whether Trent, who's a few years older, held himself to the same 'purity standards' as Theresa before their marriage. Maybe he's having trouble with being tied down...?)

I like Theresa, so I hope she and Trent can ride it out. But I can't help but think their relationship would be on stronger footing if they'd both gotten to mature and enjoy single life for a few more years, if they hadn't set out to get pregnant so quickly after marriage, and if Theresa was permitted to have more of an income stream (Trent is a farrier and it sounds like there are times of the year when the work is really slow). Oh, and they're planning on going Quiverfull--that can't be great for the stability of a new marriage, especially since they're still struggling to get established financially.

[LucySnowe]

I don't read this blog but I'm in my 40s, no kids, no serious money issues, in my first year of marriage, and it's pretty tough at times. Usually it's awesome but we fight more than either of us would like. A lot of it is just pushing buttons that we had no idea about, and some is that I don't communicate well, and some is just differing priority levels.

So if she's got all those serious dislocations, as well as things like 'new infant = no sleep', I can imagine that she'd be having a rough time as well.

I've heard quite a lot that The First Year Is The Hardest. Hopefully she and her husband have built a good foundation.

[clibbyjo]

I don't read this blog but I'm in my 40s, no kids, no serious money issues, in my first year of marriage, and it's pretty tough at times. Usually it's awesome but we fight more than either of us would like. A lot of it is just pushing buttons that we had no idea about, and some is that I don't communicate well, and some is just differing priority levels.

So if she's got all those serious dislocations, as well as things like 'new infant = no sleep', I can imagine that she'd be having a rough time as well.

I've heard quite a lot that The First Year Is The Hardest. Hopefully she and her husband have built a good foundation.

I think first year is the hardest if you have never lived with someone else or been out on your own before marriage. I had already lived with my husband for 2 years when we got married and I think that made it much easier as we moved 1200 miles away from everyone for him to go to grad. school. It would have been much more difficult if we didn't really know each other(as you learn all those annoying things)or if we had a newborn on top of it all.

[Rosa]

I think if you expect to never fight, that makes it harder too. I have had a number of friends (even people who lived together) who thought getting married meant magically never fighting, and it just scares the shit out of them when they have serious conflicts. Once they figure out they can fight and not get divorced, that wears off, but I've had more than one friend on the phone in tears because OMG we just had a giant fight what will I do?

Marriage has a lot of unexamined meanings to people, and getting through them can be super hard, especially if you've been raised to think stuff like "wives should never criticize their husbands" or "I have to cultivate serenity and contentment and that will make him magically do what I want (even if I don't tell him what it is)"

[reds]

I would think that it is more the newborn and the pressure of no sleep that would be most damaging.

Me and my hubby were married 4 years before our first child was born. We never fought in the four years and we were existing wonderfully. Then the child arrived and we fought almost everyday for a year. We thought at times that it was the worst thing we did, that we should get divorced, that we werent going to make it.

We had another child 4 years later, same thing. Another bad year, not as bad as the first though.

Couldnt imagine doing it and surviving if i had only known him a short time.

:(

[silvia]

Marriage has a lot of unexamined meanings to people, and getting through them can be super hard, especially if you've been raised to think stuff like "wives should never criticize their husbands" or "I have to cultivate serenity and contentment and that will make him magically do what I want (even if I don't tell him what it is)"

That's a good point. I get the impression from her past entries that Theresa often wants Trent to be a certain way (more "godly," more of a dominating patriarch, etc.), but rather than telling him what she wants, she just prays about it. Then she writes occasionally about how the prayers worked and God did a great transformation of Trent's heart, etc. But to me, her strategy seems like a terrible way to deal with conflict. Short of divine intervention, how will another person ever know what you want if you don't tell them?

[uncreative]

I'd be interested in hearing about her tough first year, too. Adjusting to marriage was hard for my husband and me, too, but we had LOT of other stuff going on our first year: my dad had major surgery one month after our wedding, then died three months later, I started my 'career' job, got transferred to a new office an hour away, my new boss had a mental breakdown right before my first tax season, my new husband was working *all* the time, etc., etc. It wasn't pretty, but we made it through.