Overcoming Her Sexual Past

[debrand]

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002188.cfm

You might think that a decade would be enough time to leave hurt far in the distant past.

And yet sometimes it came back, as fresh and as raw as ever it was. It was the hurt of having been wronged, or of having had something taken from me that was rightfully mine. At least that's what I had always thought it was. It was the kind of pain that could ruin my day, ruin my week, take the wind out of my sails.

Here is the situation: Before I met my wife, before she was my girlfriend, she was the girlfriend of another guy. And in the years they were together, they carried on a sexual relationship.

Even on his wedding night, he shouldn't have felt that his wife's virginity was owed him. Now a decade later, he is still pissed over an old boyfriend.

How do people not see this as sick and overly possessive? If my husband said that he was hurting over a relationship I had in High school, I would not respond well. My best reaction would be to suggest that he get some kind of therapy and remind him that my body is and has always been my own. I would probably not give him my best reaction though.

Yet the Bible once again dismantled my bad theology. Suddenly I saw that it was God who had been most hurt and most offended. And actually, I didn't even place second. What about her old boyfriend? If he sinned against her, then surely she sinned against him as well! And what about her old boyfriend's wife? Maybe she sometimes sits quietly and regrets her husband's sexual history.

And here I was feeling so sorry for myself as if I was the only one. But now I knew that I was thinking far too highly of myself and far too little of God and of other people. I was hurt, to be sure, and something that was rightly mine was taken away. But still God was the one who was ultimately sinned against. No wonder I was miserable. Not only had I elevated myself beyond God, but I had shrunk God down so He was less than me.

The man is describing the process that he went through in forgiving his wife. But why should he forgive his wife for something that wasn't done to him? And I doubt that most people in happy marriages sit around obsessing about who their spouse slept with years before.

I had a short-sighted view of forgiveness. I thought that forgiveness was really just words. I failed to realize that forgiveness is also an action of turning away, of casting off. Forgiveness is only half-hearted if it offers the words "I forgive you" but continues to dwell upon and hold onto the sin it claims to have forgiven.

In the article, he states that they have a happy marriage. She isn't still seeing her old lover. There is no reason for him to feel threatened or betrayed

Most people would call his attitude jealousy or possessiveness. The belief system that he is in encourages such a mindset and praises the spouse who can "forgive" their husband and wife for having a life before marriage.

There is a part two but I'm too annoyed to read it. :snooty:

[Gizmola]

I did read part 2:

So all along, it seems that the question at the heart of all of my pain was one I could never have answered. At the heart of it all I wanted to know, "God, how could you do this to me? How could you take from me something so precious? Something that ought to have been mine?"

If the only thing my husband valued me for was the state of my hymen and that the absence of said hymen caused him that amount of pain I'd pack his shit for him.

But he goes on to say that the reason he could not stop picturing high school boyfriend having his beasty way with this "man's" wife was because Satan was exploiting his weaknesses. But, praise to Jesus, he overcame and can now confront Satan by saying:

"Satan, you may see my wife as dirty and defiled, but Jesus Christ says that she is dressed in pure, white garments of holiness. She is beautiful to God and undefiled to me. God says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Are you now bringing a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Do you, then, dare to condemn? Just go away."

Dirty & defiled?? What an incredible dickhead.

[freehannie]

What I am baffled about is if this was so awful and so important to him, then why did he marry her? He knew going into the relationship that she had been with her ex. I'm thinking it just gave him a reason to feel superior to her or something to trot out in his mind whenever he didn't like something she said or did. It's very sad that if he loves his wife as he says that he would let something that happened before they met have so much power over him. That's why I'm thinking he got something out of it.

As already mentioned, this type of thinking where a man is owed a virgin at marriage is super creepy. I'm sure he has committed sins before and after he got married. He has sinned against God all those times. Why is her one form of sin (which she no longer does) so grievous in comparison to his? (Just want to be clear that I don't think his wife did anything objectionable at all. But within his religious ideology, he does yet he doesn't hold himself to the same standards). No way would I want to be married to someone like this.

[Deleted07]

yeah it just sickens me that these guys are so obsessed over virginal brides, and I agree that the 'dirty and defiled' BS is obviously HIS words and feelings on it, and as the last poster said, why the frick marry her is he knew all this beforehand... and obsessing over it years after the fact, says to me he is regretting his marriage entirely, and picking it to pieces.

What a douchebag.

[fundamentalistnomore]

Grrrr....Why is only the emphasis only on the woman's purity?! The fundamentalist harping on being defiled/damaged goods. Some of us unfortunately did not consent to our virginity being taken. After ten years, he still had lingering issues. It reminds of Sunday night testimony when occasionally some woman would testify how she 'saved her virginity' for her wedding night? Why is this anyone's business? What about the man's purity? Hypocrisy, Sexism, & Assoholism all rolled into one. <--yea, I made up a word.

[Austin]

I concur that assoholism is a word.

Dude is a huge dick.

For complicated reasons, the discussion of a "sexual past" has been ongoing around me. I just want to shout, "People! Get over it! It's just friction!" Because I am so frustrated by the notion that people have to pay for this shit for rest of their naturual lives (or think they should).

[samurai_sarah]

Way to show he cares about his wife as a person. Not. Good grief, women aren't like preserves, where when the seal is broken on purchase, they're no good anymore. So, repeat after me: Women are humans, not objects!

[doggie]

at least he forgave her where boob still goes on about mcboob dating someone else with no sex.b I think these men are so insecure and are very worried the woman will know how poor they are in bed.

[Bella99]

Honestly, I don't want my daughter to feel like she has to marry the first man she kisses or has relations with or feel like she is damaged goods for having a few adventures between the sheets. My husband and I both have former spouses (no children from our exes), and it almost never comes up - because it is in the past and really does not affect our life (10 years this month) together. If Mr. 99 tasked me like this guy does with the past, it would have been over very quickly.

[tropaka]

Oh ffs he's a drama queen isn't he? Oh, woe is me, I cannot forgive the state of my wife's hymen. STFU and get on with your life already. Girl had sex with someone else but she married you, so get over it.

[tropaka]

But Doggie, why should anyone have to forgive previous dates? It's crazy. If a woman regrets having sex, that's one thing, but why should a partner have to forgive her for doing something that had nothing to do with him/her?

[outrunningzombies]

Funny how her terrible, horrible sin is worth dwelling over for 10 years but we don't hear any mention about his behavior from 10 years ago bugging anyone.

[doggie]

But Doggie, why should anyone have to forgive previous dates? It's crazy. If a woman regrets having sex, that's one thing, but why should a partner have to forgive her for doing something that had nothing to do with him/her?

it was dry humor. of course he is a moron. but boob is worse about it and he got the cherry besides. fundies can screw up a wet dream.

[Witsec7]

at least he forgave her where boob still goes on about mcboob dating someone else with no sex.b I think these men are so insecure and are very worried the woman will know how poor they are in bed.

There is NOTHING to forgive.

[GatorGutCasserole]

He sounds like someone who has the little god guy on his right shoulder and the bad guy on his left. And they both whisperrrrrrr into his ears until he goes crazy.

BTW no beast with horns and tails used the words filthy and defiled on your wife. YOU did. You wrote them down.

PS: Go see a doctor, you might have developed paranoid schizophrenia...

[Koala]

If the only thing my husband valued me for was the state of my hymen and that the absence of said hymen caused him that amount of pain I'd pack his shit for him.

:clap:

[fundifugee]

Wow, what a gem of a website.

From another column about relationships with torn hymens, Her Sexual Experience (also two parts) http://www.boundless.org/2005/answers/a0001940.cfm ,

wherein we learn that God kills babies because their parents sin. And therefore we can derive that God might kill your baby because your fiance may or may not have had sex with somebody else.

Kind of ironic that the author's name is John Thomas. (Lady Chatterley's Lover reference).

ETA: wow, and these people think I am evil because I kill the odd fetus when people screw up their family planning? At least I don't kill babies like God does.

[doggie]

Wow, what a gem of a website.

From another column about relationships with torn hymens, Her Sexual Experience (also two parts) http://www.boundless.org/2005/answers/a0001940.cfm

wherein we learn that God kills babies because their parents sin. And therefore we can derive that God might kill your baby because your fiance may or may not have had sex.

who needs enemies when you have god on your side.

[Kishiria]

"Satan, you may see my wife as dirty and defiled, but Jesus Christ says that she is dressed in pure, white garments of holiness. She is beautiful to God and undefiled to me. God says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Are you now bringing a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Do you, then, dare to condemn? Just go away."

Dude, your imaginary enemy there doesn't see your wife as dirty or defiled, because he doesn't exist except in your own mind. YOU see her as dirty and defiled, and I am sure your wife deserves better than you, you POS.

[Guest Anonymous]

There is NOTHING to forgive.

Yes there is. He owes HER an apology.

[doggie]

Yes there is. He owes HER an apology.

good luck on that. it is pretty pathetic really. I mean guys can be jealous of old boyfriends but this is way past that.

[GatorGutCasserole]

Yes there is. He owes HER an apology.

And I'd tell him to ask his imaginary friends and foes for apology. And his psychiatrist. And his bottle of paxil and zoloft. Paxil's a good guy he always forgives.

[AnnieC 305]

I think this whole obsession with hymens comes down to one thing.

Performance anxiety.

And what's really bad is that in many cases it's the fathers going on and on about purity on behalf of their sons and sons-in-law. Fathers who had a chance to date normally in high school and college. It makes you wonder how bad it could have been.

[Mais Pourquoi]

it was dry humor. of course he is a moron. but boob is worse about it and he got the cherry besides. fundies can screw up a wet dream.

The performance anxiety argument doesn't work in Boob's case (though I do agree I think that's the problem with OP's douchecanoe). It seems that J'Chelle kissed another boy(s) before getting married to JB at *17*, and yet he still claims to have "baggage" over it. Uhhh baggage from what?! It's not like she did it while they were together.

I've openly talked with Mr. Pourquoi about our previous sexual experiences, and neither of us have any problem with the fact that the other knocked boots with different people before falling in love... because we trust each other. As we see though, certain fundie guys can't even trust God when it comes to their wives' previous relationships.

[GatorGutCasserole]

That comment... was so humiliating, tactless, degrading, nasty, and mean that I could not get over it. A 17 yo beautiful girl - because she was really pretty - KISSED boys, ZOMG, someone give me a CPR quick!!!

Jimbo talked about his wife... on nat. TV... so humiliatingly... like she had had sex with at least 90 people, had lost her virginity at 12, had had 3 kids already from 3 fathers whom she wasn't even sure of or she had had been a stripper, a prostitute. A porn actress. Even guys who married ex adult entertainers - a childhood friend for example that I know- give their wives more respect and make sure they have a good life after all that horror they had gone through.

Jimbo though, humiliates his wife of 30 ys because she had KISSED a few people that she had LOVED as a teenager.

I can just imagine what mullet gets when these tides of craziness hit jimbo's peabrain. Not that I have too much sympathy for Mullet but STILL. Jimbo you are crazy jealous because you were a dork that girls used to laugh at.