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10 Commandments for Fundies


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Almost all of us know the 10 commandments of the Christian Bible( the Jewish commandments may be different as I can not read Hebrew)

1 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.

2 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.

3 “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.

4 “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.

5 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

6 “You shall not murder.

7 “You shall not commit adultery.

8 “You shall not steal.

9 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

10 “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.â€

But what would you have as commandments for fundies? Would you keep them the same or would you tack on 10 more? Here is your chance to give them 10 more to not offend God or the rest of the planet.

Side note, I am Christian but not the same as the ones we snark on. I feel these people are a whole 'nother ball game than the one sane Christians are playing. This is not meant to offend or open the door to bash all Christians or Jews or anyone else that uses the 10 comandments but to help our favorite fundies not abuse the bible they don't even seem to read.

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I think they have 613 mitzvot, but they may have other commandments too.

How about... You shall not judge other because they aren't as fundie you, believe in a different God/Gods/no god, don't dress modestly or blame the woman for not being modest enough, are part of the LGBTQQIA population, think that what ever higher powers that be gave woman the ability to control their fertility for a reason.... You know what, just shut up about other people already.

Oh, and God wants to stop trying to save people who haven't sought saving.

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Thou shall not hit children

Thou shall not blog with the intent of shaming others.

Thou shall love their children and never blog about them.

Thou shall not judge others, for you do not know what path I have placed them upon.

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Thou shall honour thy wife. Treat her as you would want to be treated.

Thou shalt not stack thy children on shelving.

Thou shalt not be a SAHD.

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Thou shalt ignore anything that emanates from the Pearls or from Bill Gothard.

Thou shalt not encourage thy daughters to marry pedophiles.

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Thou shalt not brainwash thy children under the guise of homeschooling.

Thou shalt accept that not everyone thinks like thee.

Thou shalt not breed like a rabbit.

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Thou shalt not claim that people disagreeing with you is persecution.

Thou shalt actually educate your children if you homeschool them. God wants you to use the brain he gave you.

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Thy women-folk shall have better hair...for blessed is the women whose hair does NOT reach heaven

Thou shall not flaunt thy "modesty" on television, for this is not modest at all

Thou shall educate boy and girl children alike with equal chances for college

Thou shalt not keep having children when it becomes clearly dangerous or when thou cannot support them with a good quality of life

Thou shall not pay thousands to a false prophet while ye family cannot even have a decent house

Thou shalt not risk thy wives' lives to have a bigger quiver than someone else

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oh yeah here are two good ones

Thou shall not use purpose as a verb, for castrating the English language is not holy

Thou shalt not arrange marriages for any of thy children

Thou shalt not elevate one gender above the other

Thy patriarchs shall shut their mouths

Thy shall give thee wives proper medical care in childbirth

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Thou shall not treat thine girl children like slaves.

Thou shall not have a billion children if thou won't take care of them yourself.

Thou shall not train they babies in any way shape or form. And stop using the word train for children while thou are at it. It makes them sound like dogs.

While thou has a right to think people who aren't like you are going to hell, as deplorable as I find that, thou shall not shout that from the street corner.

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Amen! I should have thought of that one myself

Thou shall cut thy mullet for 1985 called and wants her hair back

Thou shall never hit or get physical on thy children to the point where it hurts said child

Thou shall not use politics as a way to promote their idea of a theocracy

Thou shalt let thy children dance

Thou shalt lose the holier than thou mentality altogether

Thou shalt not think that curls are the only acceptable hair-do for women

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1. Thou shalt not worship your husband as a god. He is not God.

2. Thou shalt not make up rules and blame them on God. He doesn't require all that crap.

3. Thou shalt love your children as yourself. Don't beat them or use them as slaves.

4. Thou shalt not place your "standards" & convictions above love & acceptance of other people.

5. Thou shalt not think your clothes or hairstyle makes you more spiritual

6. Thou shalt get some fashion sense. You can be modest & attractive, your spouse will thank you.

7. Thou shalt not manipulate your husband into following your lifestyle, and call it submission.

8. Thou shalt not call your blog a "ministry" and use it to shame others for their clothes or choices.

9. Thou shalt not complain about persecution every time someone disagrees with you.

10. Thou shalt remember Jesus offers love, peace, joy, forgiveness, & rest, so quit acting so miserable.

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I thought this was going to be a parody of the 10 made-up commandments fundies seem to follow, ie 'thou shalt not show thy calves, shoulders or bra straps for in doing so, thou causest thy brothers to stumble' etc.

P.S. I'm happy to be King James English consultant--I was raised on the KJV and while I'm not perfect, I got the thees, thous and shalts straight.

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I agree with the above posts. Here are a few more that I would write for fundies

Thou shall never believe you are more Christian than any other

Thou shall never make thy children sleep in overheated or freezing temperatures

Thou shall never make your daughter in law assist you because you can't take care of your own kids

Thou shall not have unprotected sex while thou has too many children to care for already and a fragile premature baby too

Thou shall make sure that thee children's names do not sound too similar or have a letter theme

Thou shall not make your kids wear ugly jumpers with huge collars

Thou shall actually raise your children passed the nursing stage. Ye must never hand them off to a buddy to raise.

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Thou shalt raise thy own children

Thy children shall make thy own decisions

Thou shalt not keepeth thine adult children as hostages

Thy hair shall not bear false volume

Thou shall not use the name of they God in vain do not put my name in this no birth control madness

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Thou shalt not exclusively eat processed, overly salty/starchy/fatty foods.

Thou shalt put thine children in actual schools if thine homeschooling abilities are, shalt we say, somewhat lacking.

Thou shalt not blog about thine adopted children being unlovable hellions. Or thine biological children for that matter.

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Thou shalt never expect your mother or daughters to make you breakfast whilst your wife is in labor.

Thou shalt think of other's needs and thee wife's needs before thine own

Thou shalt never flaunt anything one has or professes to believe

Thou shalt not make a huge deal out of trivial matters such as pants and skirts

Thou shalt never deny thy female or male children higher education.

Thou shall never allow TLC to dictate who can and cannot be in your son's wedding

Thou shall lose the legalism

Thou shalt never think that one's own spiritual leader or religion is holier than other Christians

Thou shalt not make thy wife travel cross country whilst she is with child

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Thou shalt not go up to women you consider to be immodestly dressed and bitch about it to their faces.

Thou shalt not complain about women fleeing natural disasters for not dressing up to your standards.

Thou shalt not consider lining your trashcans with pink scented plastic bags, proof that you are a godly homemaker.

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Thou shalt study the bible for thyself and not just listen and parrot what Gothard teaches

Thou shall not act cold or superior to anyone weather they are Gothardites or not

Thou shalt feed thy offspring healthy foods everyday

Thou shalt not expect another child or buddy to raise a life YOU brought into the planet.

Thou shalt not parade thy family around on TV then preach about the evils of TV and other media

Thy shall give thy elderly mother a break from you kids when she needs it.

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