Train your children to love each other

[lilwriter85]

Lori's posting from today

lorialexander.blogspot.com/2013/05/it-takes-tornado.html

There are three children in the family around 7, 9, and 11 years old. They don't like each other. They fight continually. Two weeks ago, a massive tornado roared through their school and they didn't know if their siblings made it out alive.

All three of them did survive and now they love each other. One is in the hospital mending from her injuries as the other two weep with her, so happy that they are all alive.

Why must it take a near death experience for siblings to love each other? All throughout the Bible, we are commanded to love each other. For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. {I John 3:11} Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. {I John 4:7}

It is your responsibility as parents to make sure your children love each other. Ken was continually telling my children that "Alexanders love each other." You must train your children to love each other for it does not come naturally.

Don't allow them to fight and quarrel. If they do, tell them they must sit on the couch right next to each other for 15 minutes and then hug each other. Do this consistently until they stop arguing. They must learn from an early age how to get along with others without quarreling but pursuing peace with all men.

Your home will become so pleasant. Strife divides and tears down a home. Peace unites it and makes it a place people want to be.

In the picture above is Steven and Cassi on the right. They are only a year and a half apart and have always been close and love each other very much. Julia and Ali, my two precious nieces, are on the left and they both love their wonderful brothers!

Knowing how Lori and Ken are, I wouldn't be surprised if their training included the leather strap or spanking.

[lizziesmom]

She apparently can't grasp the concept that you can love your family without liking them 100 percent of the time. I can't believe how these people are so anti-conflict or disagreement. To me, it's healthy to have different points of view -- not to have all discord beaten out of you before you are four and to always have to be 'happy happy'.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I don't disagree with the idea that parents should train siblings to get along and avoid serious fighting - I just suspect that my methods were very different. [FWIW, with an almost-2 yr old, it went something like this: "gentle touch", demonstrate, have toddler do it, say "nice gentle touch!" and give a hug, repeat 47 times.]

[littlemommy]

I see what she's getting at--my siblings and I weren't allowed to openly antagonize one another while growing up. (Behind our parents' backs was another matter.) We weren't allowed to put each other down or say "shut up" (I still hate those words, and quickly taught my husband that he wouldn't be saying them to me!). I want that for my kids, too. I don't tolerate fighting but I'll let them settle their own disputes...which they believe they are having outside of my notice. ;) But Lori? Since everything she says and does is warped and awful I'm sure this is turned from "Your home is your refuge, no ugliness here" to "Alexanders *whack* love *whack* each other *whack*!"

[argypargy]

She apparently can't grasp the concept that you can love your family without liking them 100 percent of the time. I can't believe how these people are so anti-conflict or disagreement. To me, it's healthy to have different points of view -- not to have all discord beaten out of you before you are four and to always have to be 'happy happy'.

This. Growing up, my brother and I fought like crazy. It doesn't mean I didn't love him. It's how siblings are.

[lilwriter85]

I see what she's getting at--my siblings and I weren't allowed to openly antagonize one another while growing up. (Behind our parents' backs was another matter.) We weren't allowed to put each other down or say "shut up" (I still hate those words, and quickly taught my husband that he wouldn't be saying them to me!). I want that for my kids, too. I don't tolerate fighting but I'll let them settle their own disputes...which they believe they are having outside of my notice. ;) But Lori? Since everything she says and does is warped and awful I'm sure this is turned from "Your home is your refuge, no ugliness here" to "Alexanders *whack* love *whack* each other *whack*!"

I also kind of got what Lori was getting at. I think many people fundie or not want their kids to get along well. But once I saw the word "train" in that entry, I knew spanking was probably going on when Ken and Lori were trying to settle disputes with their kids. I agree with other posters, it is a bit annoying how fundies expect everyone to get along and be happy each other 100% of the time. Conflicts aren't always bad.

[thoughtful]

Did she take her bad example from an actual family? How did she know they didn't like each other?

And, I agree that her training is very likely not benign and kind -- I would be willing to bet that her kids knew it was "put a smile on your face and act like you love one another or it's the strap."

Not to mention that her way completely ignores the fact that, every now and then, there might be a genuine issue that needs resolving, and that kids need to learn how to work through conflict.

Even without natural sibling stuff, people sharing a space will disagree and get on one another's nerves. In loving families, there will be disagreements. How do kids who just get no advice other than "love one another" learn to negotiate, speak up for themselves, even to recognize that the other person has a point and they should yield graciously for a real reason (not just because Mama says so)?

Of course, she probably doesn't want girls to grow up with those skills -- they just need to yield automatically. :(

[Koala]

There are three children in the family around 7, 9, and 11 years old. They don't like each other. They fight continually. Two weeks ago, a massive tornado roared through their school and they didn't know if their siblings made it out alive.

All three of them did survive and now they love each other. One is in the hospital mending from her injuries as the other two weep with her, so happy that they are all alive.

Is she effing serious? 3 young children in her family have survived a tornado (one hospitalized) and that hag is taking this opportunity to criticize the way they interact with one another and the way their parents have raised them??? Are you kidding me?

We just had 2 people in our family die of cancer. My mom and I spent weeks driving back and forth trying to help out their families. And that doesn't say anything special about us, because that's what any decent people (and families) do. It would have never occurred to either of us to use their tragedy as an opportunity to point out how much smarter we were and what failures they are. Lori is a vile woman and I hope to god her family calls her on this bullshit. Doesn't the Bible say something about gossips?

It is your responsibility as parents to make sure your children love each other.

See how she calls the parents out? It's not enough for Lori that they've got a child in the hospital and 2 more that are probably traumatized by this tornado. Lori has to rub it in their face that their children don't love each other like the GREAT ALEXANDER children do.

[JenniferJuniper]

Sibling relationships can be uniquely complicated. You can't just "train them up" to love each other. Some will end up very close. Some will never have any sort of relationship after they've moved away or once the parents are gone. Most will probably end up somewhere in the middle. Like my brothers, the total opposites. They see each other a few times a year at holidays or family events, argue incessantly about politics and sports, and then part both very glad they only see each other a few times a year.

It would be nice to think my kids will be close to each other all their lives but beyond keeping them from killing each other when they're young, I understand it's something I really have very little control over. You can "command" they not fight or force them to share, and maybe to pretend they can tolerate each other, but you can't command people to love each other.

[happy atheist]

You can't force someone to love someone else.

When my kids were younger I told them they did not have to love each other, or even like each other, but that they would not treat each other badly. They were expected to treat each other at least as well as they treated strangers on the street.

Sometimes they wanted to play together, sometimes they didn't. No biggie. Now the older one is home from college for the summer and they jam a lot (they're both musicians). They don't stand around professing their love for each other, but there's no friction and no drama. They get along well and are good friends for each other.

[FlorenceHamilton]

I do think that parents have a great influence on the way that sibling regard one another. This is not the same thing as love. It is up to the children...you know, being that they are individual people and all, to grow feelings of affection and connection for one another. That said, good parenting provided an environment of mutual respect that includes the expectation and demonstration of the children lerning also to participate in that environment.

Disagreements happen and sibling will quarrel. Being children, they may chosse unacceptable ways to expres frustration with one another. It is our job to gently, but firmly stop the offending behavior (not invalidating the feeling that led to the behavior) and demonstrate/explain more effective ways to handle frustration and disagreement. It is also helpful to engage the children of in fun and cooperative activities. Spending time learning, problem solving, laughing, crying and exchanging ideas with your children provides a great environement for the children to learn socilaization skills and to bond.

Disasters do create a high charged emotional situation, that when shared, does bond the people involved with one another. The truth is that any sort of shared heightened state will do this. Lots of heightened states are safe and healthy. It can be as simple as trying a new kind of food or going to a museum or park. Every day gives us the opportunity to improve bonds with those we love. The need to enforce "loving" each other under pain of repraisal should not exist.

[SquirrelySquirrel]

What makes her so sure that a month from now these siblings won't be right back to fighting? Of course a horrible tragedy like this will bring out the best in people who really love each other. And I think it proves just that: they love each other, and didn't need to be bullied or beaten or shamed into doing it. They just may not always like each other.

I have one older brother and we had many ups and downs growing up. But deep down we knew we loved each other, and our parents knew it too. By the time we were teens we were genuine friends, but if my parents had interfered during our worst periods I wonder if we would have found that friendship. We may have just further resented/disliked each other instead. I don't like him now, though. I still love him and I don't think I could stop, but he has given me very little to like in the last several years.

There is definitely no magic formula for siblings, just as there isn't for married couples, platonic friends, parent/child relationships, etc. But every damn thing in fundie land is black or white.

[keen23]

I had three daughters in a four year period. Most of the time they like each other, but sometimes they are out for blood. Arguing with your siblings teaches you how to deal with conflict in the real world. There are people you just don't get along with, and you need to deal with them anyways (unless, of course, you are a fundie who doesn't interact with anyone except your family).

[dpndetfarm]

Ah yes, the old telling a child what they are feeling, ordering them what to feel, and denying feelings the children think they are having. One of my top 10 ways parents screw up their kids.

Does Lori think the kids actually love their siblings because Ken told them they did? Does she really believe the feelings that lead siblings to fight have disappeared simply because the kids aren't allowed to outwardly fight? She is delusional. All she's done is push feelings underground, created passive aggressive behavior, and probably created future adults who won't understand or know what they are feeling in relationships or how to deal with those feelings.

My brothers and I are lucky we are all alive given the way we sometimes fought. It had nothing to do with loving each other. It had to do with several extremely strong willed personalities trying to find their way in the world. My siblings would be the first to come to my aid no matter what. We love each other and guess what...we still fight!!!11!!!

[slickcat79]

Gag. If Lori and Ken are the best examples these kids had of a loving relationship, I doubt they are as emotionally healthy as Lori pretends. Growing up with her as a mother would have to warp a person :?

[lilwriter85]

Gag. If Lori and Ken are the best examples these kids had of a loving relationship, I doubt they are as emotionally healthy as Lori pretends. Growing up with her as a mother would have to warp a person :?

I have wondered quite a bit about Lori's kids. Usually when she talks about them, it is always about how they are following her and Ken's examples of being godly, child spanking, and being hateful towards gays. Her kids may be happy with how their lives are because that is all they have ever known. The married daughter Alyssa seems to follow her mother when it comes to submission and gender roles. Alyssa does whatever her husband says to do like getting rid of clothes that he doesn't like. The married son Ryan seems a lot like Ken.

I also get the impression from Lori's blog that she and her family tend to mostly associate with other fundie lite types. She homeschooled her kids for a few years and then they went to private Christian high school. She once talked about her daughter was friends with a girl that she didn't like. The daughter eventually stopped being friends with that girl. Lori's son-in-law Jon comes from a fundie lite family and he attended some small private college in Arkansas. His father is a minister and I remember the only thing Lori said about Jon's mother was that she is a servant to her husband. She said the same thing about her daughter-in-law's mother. I still feel bad for Lori's kids and grandkids for various reasons. I see at least one of her kids ending up in a bad situation because of their extremist beliefs. Alyssa might already be in that situation.

[ILoveJellybeans]

You cant force people to love eachother.

You can teach children not to be mean to their siblings even if they dont get on, but you cant force them to love eachother. Some people just dont get on with eachother, just cause theyre related, doesnt mean they have to be best friends.

I am one of six (and counting...) and we dont get on all the time. No siblings do. It is normal for siblings to argue sometimes, and it doesnt mean they dont love eachother. Me and my closest in age sister never really got on with eachother growing up, but we would defend eachother against other people and help eachother if something serious like that happened.

[dairyfreelife]

I understand trying to get children to be nice to each other. Being mean is not okay. Calling names or hurting a sibling is not okay. It was a huge no-no growing up and it will be major no-no when I have children as well. You don't put your sibling down, you don't mock them, you don't pinch, bite, hit, kick or harm your sibling in any way, shape, or form (on purpose obviously-accidents happen though biting is not an accident). I remember my sister bit me once when she was about 2 and I was like 5. My mother rose her voice and made it clear that that was not okay. She never did it again after that. No spanking was involved.

BUT, you can't make siblings like each other. They'll likely love each other. I was never once told I needed to love my siblings. I just do. You can love someone very much and still argue, fight, get angry with them and yell at them sometimes. You can love someone very much and still not like them. I don't like my brother all that much, but he has been getting better now that he's almost 17. But I love my brother and would do almost anything for him. That's usually how sibling relationships work. It's a "no one can be mean to my sibling except me!" situation. I can tease them, but no one else is allowed to. If someone was bullying them, I was going to give them a piece of my mind. My sister and I argue a lot, even now. But we still love each other. We were never trained to love each other. My parents did not make us like each other. We just had to be civil to each other. And they taught us that it was okay to not like everyone all the time, but you can still love each other. Their relationships between their siblings were not all that close, but they were always civil to each other and cared about each other.

But this is Lori, so logic isn't going to exist. Sorry, Lori, but you really need to work on your logic skills. Age does not always bring wisdom.

[debrand]

Here is what I did with my kids.

I tried not to step into arguments too often between my kids Maybe I'm weird but I think that it is good for kids to settle their own problems. We did have rules about arguing. First of all, no name calling or hitting but learning to argue fairly is a good skill

Second, if I stepped in chances were that everyone involved would get punished. Let's face it. It is rarely one person's fault that an argument escalated. I'd listen to each kids separately. Normally, they both had done something wrong so I addressed those issues.

Third, there were toys that they had to share and toys that they didn't have to share. EVER. I don't share all of my things, why should I expect my child to share everything he/she has? For the toys that they had to share, I just removed any toy that caused arguments. I didn't even ask who was at fault. IF they argued, that toy got put away for a couple of weeks. The quickly learned to negotiate.

The worst thing that parents can do is expect the oldest to act older than their age level and accept that the younger one will be less mature than their age level. However, if I thought my older was capable of being responsible for more mature behavior, I also gave him/her more rights(like a latter bed time)

And I NEVER compared kids to each other"Your brother is always so good to help. Why don't you?"

My kids like each other. In fact, my oldest son calls his brother every other day just to talk. There is a possibility my kids might drift apart as adults. They aren't the same people and they are allowed to have their own adult lives.

[idonthaveajname]

I'm a mom of twins and I've been very fortunate that they always genuinely liked one another. They are teenagers now, and thick as thieves. They are very different, but very close and really never fight with one another.

When they were in preschool there was another set of twins (b/g, just like mine) and the mother of those twins forced them to dress alike, do everything together, and wouldn't even allow one of them to sit alone for a picture. It had to be both of them, all the time. I recall as they were entering kindergarten she was making a huge stink about the school rule that siblings must be separated in classrooms. I thought it was a GREAT idea, as I was concerned that my daughter was a bit bossy to my son (she still is, but it works for them). The other mom was furious.

You can't force kids to be friends. You just can't.

[RosyDaisy]

It would be very strange to see family members happy and getting along all the time. Family members will disagree and argue, it's natural. Oh, and Lori, you don't train kids, you raise them. I know people who treat their animals a hell of a lot better than you treat your kids. In fact, a stray mama cat is a better mother than you are, you crazy fundie bitch!

[lilwriter85]

What makes her so sure that a month from now these siblings won't be right back to fighting? Of course a horrible tragedy like this will bring out the best in people who really love each other. And I think it proves just that: they love each other, and didn't need to be bullied or beaten or shamed into doing it. They just may not always like each other.

I have one older brother and we had many ups and downs growing up. But deep down we knew we loved each other, and our parents knew it too. By the time we were teens we were genuine friends, but if my parents had interfered during our worst periods I wonder if we would have found that friendship. We may have just further resented/disliked each other instead. I don't like him now, though. I still love him and I don't think I could stop, but he has given me very little to like in the last several years.

There is definitely no magic formula for siblings, just as there isn't for married couples, platonic friends, parent/child relationships, etc. But every damn thing in fundie land is black or white.

I was thinking the same things too. In my family and extended families, I've seen tragedy bring out the best in us and sometimes we bond closely to comfort each other, but afterwards conflicts do still happen once in awhile. Lori is dumb to actually think going through a tragedy will keep those siblings from ever fighting again. The only reason her kids continue to get along after going through Lori's health problems is because they always want to appease Lori and Ken. I have the feeling that her adult children still have some kind of fear of Lori. I don't think they are fearing being by hit by Lori, but they know if they don't like what Lori wants, maybe a bitch fit will be thrown in their faces.