Courtship Lite?

[GenerationCedarchip]

The discussion of Sarah Mally made me think about this. Her book is wildly popular even in circles that are not hardcore fundie. I see it featured at youth groups for churches that I know are fundie lite and I've seen it at my very mainline, middle of the road church, too.

I haven't read the book, but I wondered why a courtship book would have such broad appeal. I got to talking to some of my more fundie lite friends and they pointed out that what was called "courtship" back in the 1980s/90s is still very much around. It's just that this form of courtship really looks like it's gotten a broader appeal even though fundies have left it behind.

When I was growing up fundie, the parent-driven courtship model was a very fringe thing, even in the fundie churches. What we generally had at that point(and what a lot of more conservative campus christian groups, fundie light churches, etc.. seem to have going on now from my personal observations) is a somewhat less strict form of courtship.

Basically, it worked this way - Even though we got tons of purity lectures, the young men and women were allowed to hang out together. In fact, all kinds of events were set up that would bring you in contact. However, one on one dating was discouraged and we were told not to "go courting" unless we were very certain of someone as a potential marriage partner. IN addition, the elders of the church often played a big role in introducing couples and setting people up - especially if you were creeping into your mid/late 20s without being married. Men would ask a father's permission to marry, but it was less common to ask permission to court. Courting couples could be alone sometimes and they often held hands or even kissed. However, there was a big emphasis on not going beyond kissing - if you engaged in anything else, confessing your "sin" and praying for strength and forgiveness was the general custom. And if you actually courted/dated someone, there was pretty much an expectation that you all would get married and everyone in the college/young singles group would treat the couple as if they were practically engaged as soon as they made it known they had been seeing each other one on one.

In contrast to what goes on in fundie circles now, I almost consider this courtship lite, and I wonder about the degree to which this sort of thing goes on. I don't see this really going on in my current church, but most of my neighbors are fundie lite and this seems to be the way that almost all of their late teens/early 20s children socialize and pair off.

[silvia]

Good question. I never saw anything like this in my church growing up, but I attended what I now realize was a very liberal mainline church (Methodist). Dating was never discouraged, and a lot of the youth group activities/ retreats seemed to be marathon face-sucking sessions. :)

[nolongerIFBx]

In the IFB environment I grew up in, it was still called dating. While you were cautioned not to date any one you wouldn't want to marry (you already knew that the guy didn't meet your "standards"), you weren't expected to marry the first guy you dated. A lot of the time the guy did ask the girl's dad if they could date. I thinks once they were in college, some guys still called the dad but for others, that might not take place until they wanted to exclusively date just that person (where it became more like courting). However, dates were chaperoned, though that meant in the same room not, say if they were going to dinner, that the chaperones would have to sit at the same table. 6-inch rule until the wedding altar. Many dates were group activities, but there were also the one-on-one (with chaperones). At least, that's what I heard/saw. No one ever asked me on one!

[forever ago]

It's been a really long time since I've been to church at all, but I don't think my old church did anything resembling courting. I'm not even sure that dates were chaperoned... likely if the participants were young, but I highly doubt it for adults. However it was more of a mainstream-to-fundie lite church, and while premarital sex was frowned upon (duh) I don't think kissing, hugging, and hand-holding were.

Of course if boys and girls were in a mixed setting there was a six-inch rule of sorts, boys and girls couldn't leave together and of course they were watched like hawks.

[bananacat]

Well I actually saw this happen to a close friend when I was in high school. We went to a Methodist church but we had a weird streak of evangelicals, so it was an odd mix. My best friend read some book and decided not to date. She said it was a decision for herself and she never tried to push it any of us, but I generally didn't talk about dating with her because she wouldn't really understand it, although I didn't hide it from her. She seemed to want a courtship, but one time our other close friend who was also pretty religious told us in horror about a family she met where the girls wear denim down to the floor, and the very first time you get a crush on a boy your dad talks to his dad and you get married (or that was how she explained it when we were 15). It wasn't until years later that I actually believed her and knew what she was talking about. And my first friend who didn't do dating thought this idea was as hilarious and scary as the rest of us, so she wasn't into such a strict courtship where you barely know the person.

It was odd because she was completely mainstream in every other way. Her family was a little more religious than most at our church, but certainly not like the fundies who go for courtship. She had only one sister, and her mom had a home daycare when they were little. She was a SAHM after that until they were teenagers, but largely because she was a bit scatterbrained and had trouble holding down a job. The only weird religious thing about them is one time her dad claimed that God told him to leave his job, so then her mom went out and got a full-time job to start the family. My friend was mainstream in every way. We went to public school and rode the same bus. She was very smart and studious so she got good grades and had every intention of going to college. She went to youth group and had all kinds of activities. She wore make-up and rarely wore skirts, except to church. She was never obsessed with modesty and wore tank tops during the summer. So here's my take on it. She wasn't particularly pretty or popular and she was somewhat shy so she wouldn't have dated much in high school anyway. I strongly suspect that the courtship thing was a way to get around this. She never had to feel rejected or unpopular because it was her choice to not date. And her parents went along with it because they didn't want to deal with the idea of their first daughter becoming an adult and a sexual person. It was easier for all of them to just pretend the whole thing didn't exist. My friend went off to college without her parents and blossomed, and she is now married to a man that she dated in a typical way.

Of course this is my first experience with courtship so it really colors my view of the whole thing. I think a lot of fundie parents like it because they get to pretend that their kids are still kids and don't have to think about them growing up and having sex.