Purity Balls and Fundies

[luckylassie]

It appears that "Purity Balls" are the "In" thing for fundie daughters. These patriarchs dress up in suits, rent limos, and a venue to have their daughters (sometimes very young girls) pledge that they won't have sex until marriage. From the outside, one would think these people were going to a wedding. The amount of money spent on these things is astronomical. I don't get it. What if you are a nine year old girl and you are forced into a huge, fancy, ordeal to promise not to "Do the Deed" until marriage then, later on, you really did not understand what you were promising and end up rejecting the entire religious lifestyle altogether?

[xDreamerx]

I don't understand it either. Search the Virgin Daughters on YouTube. There's a Channel 4, special.

Edit: Besides the ideological reasons, maybe they view it as "safe alternative to Prom" the way some few church harvest parties as an "alternative to Halloween"? I also wonder if, because a lot of it is in the South, the glitz culture gets into it. You know the same thing that happens in beauty peagants, and all of those types of things, but fundie style.

[mythoughtis]

Regardless of the supposed safe althernative to Prom bit.... I find the idea of attending this Purity Ball with your Dad, pledging your virginity to Dad, and then accepting a purity ring from Dad CREEPY beyond belief. What's next, Dad examining your private parts to be sure they're intact just prior to the wedding? Dad being the first one to do the deed with his daughter to be sure she's treated 'right' the first time?

This is an entirely different concept then the old-style Debutante balls of the south or Great Britain, where the event marked your formal entrance to the adult society of the time.

[Feberin]

They are icky! I saw a special on TLC about them and it was weird! I don't care if it's a "safe alternative to prom" or whatever. I'd rather hypothetical daughter attend prom then go to a purity ball. At least at prom it wouldn't be as though she had an unhealthy relationship with her father.

[browngrl]

I am not even sure why virginity is such a big deal- so I have not idea why "purity balls" are such a big deal.

[Cliodna]

Had one here at the Church right up the road from me. It made the paper. 7th grade girls. Daddy-daughter purity luncheon, no dancing. Many of the local churches participated. Eww..Ewww...Ewww..!

[mnb357]

When I saw the subject heading of "Purity Balls," I wasn't thinking dances....sorry, but there it is.

[emmiedahl]

Why is a 9 yo so aware of her virginity? Maybe my kids are sheltered, but they are not aware of that concept.

I don't plan to make a big deal of a piece of tissue that she is going to lose eventually. Really, who cares?

[O Latin]

When I saw the subject heading of "Purity Balls," I wasn't thinking dances....sorry, but there it is.

Hehe, I remember over at the old board somebody saying "purity balls" sounded like something you put in the washing machine to make your clothes smell nice.

There was a time when I thought a purity ball (or a purity ring or a purity pledge or anything like that) would have been awesome. Growing up, all I ever heard about sex was how it was a waste of time to try to stop teenagers from having sex since they were going to do it anyway because all teenagers ever think about is sex so we should just pass out the condoms and let them get on with it. Not that I necessarily disagree with that idea (at least not now), but it is definitely not universally true. I was the exception. Not only did I want to wait until marriage to have sex, I just had no interest in sex or boys or dating or any of it. So when I heard about the purity movement it gave me a little bit of hope that I wasn't the only person in the world who thought that way. Just my perspective.

I don't quite understand the "ewww" reaction so many people seem to have. I understand the objections some people have, but it just doesn't seem "icky" to me.

[clarinetpower]

It's taking something private, and making it very, very public. It's taking something intimate, and making it a pageant. It's taking a personal decision that is a woman's to make, and forcing her to declare it as a child. It is turning any future romantic relationship into the culmination of a ceremony.

I find it disgusting.

If a girl wants to make this decision and choice, good for her. But the Hymen Parade and Virginity Gown and Vows to her Father? No, thanks.

[shesinsane]

I don't quite understand the "ewww" reaction so many people seem to have. I understand the objections some people have, but it just doesn't seem "icky" to me.

I'm new here so I can only speak for myself when I say the "ewww" reaction isn't about purity. Nothing wrong with saving yourself for marriage, someone special, whatever. It's your body and should be your decision when and who you have sex with. But Purity Balls - having a party because you haven't had sex? Standing up in public with your father discussing/pledging about your sex life? And sometimes he puts a ring on your finger while you're wearing an expensive white dress? That's creepy to me. I believe sex is a really personal thing. It's one thing to have "the talk" with your parents and say you won't have sex until you are married. It's another thing to have a gala dinner (without your mother) celebrating your decision.

[Kaylee]

I remember hearing about these when I was a teen. Some of the girls I knew had purity rings (usually the mom's picked them out, because I think most people realize the idea of a dad making a big deal about his daughter's virginity is just squicky).

I remember one of the girls I was in a home with being upset that she wasn't allowed to attend the purity ball her church had because she had been raped and her dad said it was for virgins only. It probably says a lot to mindset some of us were raised in that most of us thought the purity ball idea was creepy because of the virginity pledge to your dad, but none of us at the time seemed to see anything wrong with the idea that raped = impure.

[DistantStar]

I'm pretty sure my dad would have died on the spot rather than ask me about the state of my girl bits.

[tressea]

Raine, that is an absolutely terrible story. What a horrible dad!!! As if the poor girl hadn't been through enough trauma, she gets deemed "impure" on top of it all? Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. My heart aches just thinking about it.

As for the "ick" factor, I'm in agreement with the posters above who say the issue isn't about "purity," per se, it's the cult of purity and dad factor that makes it weird. I think it's admirable when people wait until they're married to have sex. And I understand the many reasons that people do.

The issue that I see is how, in these purity ball circles, virginity and sex become The Most Important Thing about preparing for marriage and THE defining characteristic of ideal young womanhood. And that, to me, makes it almost obscene. Sex is a very important part of a marriage, but it's not important at the expense at everything else. Ideally, sex is a BALANCED part of an otherwise full and rich relationship. When the sex part gets out of balance, there are problems. And so to make getting married all about "giving the gift of your purity" to your husband starts out the marriage on a somewhat strange foot. Shouldn't sex be a reflection of all of the other great things in your marriage and not vice versa?

I had a long discussion with my female friends a few years ago about sex during our teenage years. About half of my friends were sexually active before they went to college and about half weren't. The really remarkable thing about our conversation was how consistent the answers were of the people who hadn't had sex when asked why they had abstained. The OVERWHELMING answer was, "Well, I had so much going on in my life I just didn't really see the need to do. I was on the volleyball/softball/debate team and I was excited about going off to college and I had all kinds of other things going on, so I didn't see a need to mess that up by getting super involved with some guy." Not ONE PERSON (religious or otherwise) said, "Well, I was waiting until marriage..." or "My dad gave me this ring, you see...."

It seems like by making purity the focus of your daughter's existence, you're almost INCREASING the chances that she's going to be sexually active. Spending so much time thinking about NOT having sex is still time thinking about sex, right? It seems like the "problem" of purity would take care of itself more readily if girls were able to pursue their interests and ambitions somewhat freely. (Or, of course, you could just completely cloister them and never ever allow them to have any friends outside of the family or any interests other than working a la the Maxwells-- because that's just an awesome existence *groan*).

[emmiedahl]

I thought about this and my real objection is that I feel like the girls are being bullied. At nine years, you have no idea about sex and boys. If Daddy tells you to avoid both, well, why not? So he takes you out, treats you like a princess, buys you jewelry--what girl would not love it. And this affection and princess treatment is all contingent on you making a promise to remain pure until Daddy says it's okay not to be.

So you have this weird conditional love and approval, and a solemn promise to continue being that person who deserves both. All sexual decisions must from that point be made with this in mind. Will you stop being the Princess who deserves Daddy's love and attention? Will you break your promises to him? How emotionally terroristic (I know this is probably not a word, but you get my drift). It is bullying a girl into virginity while she is still young enough to not know what she is signing away.

[valsa]

At nine years, you have no idea about sex and boys.

While I think Purity Balls are very much "ew", I can't imagine a 9 year old who doesn't know anything about sex or boys. By nine years old, I had breasts, had just started my period, and definitely knew about boys and the basics of sex education.

[emmiedahl]

But were you attracted physically to boys or inclined to start sexual relationships with them? I don't think little girls understand those things, even ones who develop early. I mean, my kids know the mechanics, the older ones at least, but they don't understand what it's like to think you are in love and to have physical urges to mate. Except my teen of course :) but he is beyond purity ring age and if he is typical of our area it is too late for his virginity.

[Guest Anonymous]

Wow talk about setting a girl child up for failure and some very mixed sexual messages.

I do hope that there is more than an equal number of sane parents teaching their daughters about BC, and telling them that masturbation is ok. Heck don't forget to tell them mutual masturbation is a hell of a lot better than winding up on 16andpreggers. But ferchrissakes keep daddy issues out of this burgeoning sexuality.

[valsa]

But were you attracted physically to boys or inclined to start sexual relationships with them? I don't think little girls understand those things, even ones who develop early. I mean, my kids know the mechanics, the older ones at least, but they don't understand what it's like to think you are in love and to have physical urges to mate. Except my teen of course :) but he is beyond purity ring age and if he is typical of our area it is too late for his virginity.

I was physically attracted to both girls and boys starting at 6-7 years old and started sexually experimenting around 9 or 10. I think you're seriously underestimating little girls and the power of hormones once puberty starts. When I developed physically, the hormones (you know, the things that cause that physical urge to mate) were definitely there. They're what cause puberty in the first place.

[emmiedahl]

Maybe I am underestimating sexuality in young children. I was probably a late bloomer? Boys had no interest for me until eighth grade and even then it was more romantic than physical. Physically, I was probably sixteen or seventeen before I started feeling attracted to anyone. I was in my mid twenties when I realized I was attracted to women as well. It's something to consider and I'm glad you brought it up.

I'm kinda starting to go through the whole thing now with my nine year old. We have religious values and such, but I have always been very open and liberal about teen sexuality. Still, this is my oldest daughter so it is new territory for me. On one hand, I want her first time to be special and safe and something she will not regret. On the other, I don't want to make a big deal about virginity or make her feel dirty about losing it. I want her to feel safe asking me for birth control but on the other hand I think promiscuity is a bad choice.

I have several years to think about how to approach this but it doesn't feel long enough. And, as you have pointed out, maybe not even that long.

[O Latin]

Well, it probably depends on the person. I think I was about 17 before I felt physically attracted to another person. It was just never something I thought about or noticed.

Raine, that is an absolutely terrible story. What a horrible dad!!! As if the poor girl hadn't been through enough trauma, she gets deemed "impure" on top of it all? Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. My heart aches just thinking about it.

As for the "ick" factor, I'm in agreement with the posters above who say the issue isn't about "purity," per se, it's the cult of purity and dad factor that makes it weird. I think it's admirable when people wait until they're married to have sex. And I understand the many reasons that people do.

The issue that I see is how, in these purity ball circles, virginity and sex become The Most Important Thing about preparing for marriage and THE defining characteristic of ideal young womanhood. And that, to me, makes it almost obscene. Sex is a very important part of a marriage, but it's not important at the expense at everything else. Ideally, sex is a BALANCED part of an otherwise full and rich relationship. When the sex part gets out of balance, there are problems. And so to make getting married all about "giving the gift of your purity" to your husband starts out the marriage on a somewhat strange foot. Shouldn't sex be a reflection of all of the other great things in your marriage and not vice versa?

I had a long discussion with my female friends a few years ago about sex during our teenage years. About half of my friends were sexually active before they went to college and about half weren't. The really remarkable thing about our conversation was how consistent the answers were of the people who hadn't had sex when asked why they had abstained. The OVERWHELMING answer was, "Well, I had so much going on in my life I just didn't really see the need to do. I was on the volleyball/softball/debate team and I was excited about going off to college and I had all kinds of other things going on, so I didn't see a need to mess that up by getting super involved with some guy." Not ONE PERSON (religious or otherwise) said, "Well, I was waiting until marriage..." or "My dad gave me this ring, you see...."

It seems like by making purity the focus of your daughter's existence, you're almost INCREASING the chances that she's going to be sexually active. Spending so much time thinking about NOT having sex is still time thinking about sex, right? It seems like the "problem" of purity would take care of itself more readily if girls were able to pursue their interests and ambitions somewhat freely. (Or, of course, you could just completely cloister them and never ever allow them to have any friends outside of the family or any interests other than working a la the Maxwells-- because that's just an awesome existence *groan*).

This is kind of where I am right now. I don't understand the idea that seems to be so prevalent in our culture that you can't possibly be happy if you don't have a significant other. I'm perfectly happy with my life exactly the way it is right now. I don't want a boyfriend because it would take time away from all the other things that I have going on. Maybe if it was the right boyfriend, who understands that I have other things to do besides sit around and text all day long...but that's a different story.

[StarrieEyedKat]

Every single time Purity Balls are brought up, I only have one question. Why aren't the boys made to go through a similar obscene ritual? I agree with emmiedahl - it's nothing more than bullying little girls into being a pure princess so she has daddy's approval, which then (in her mind) forces her to stay a virgin so she doesn't lose his love and respect.

Anyone here watch Shameless on Showtime? There was a purity ball storyline that was done pretty well (for how weird the show was to begin with) that basically illustrated how the girl was going through with the ball to get love and attention from her dad. When daddy found out about her sexual escapades, he called her a whore in front of everyone and she ended up going off the deep end.

[StarrieEyedKat]

Crud - nothing to see here.

[Kelya]

I want her to feel safe asking me for birth control but on the other hand I think promiscuity is a bad choice. \

This stood out to me. What do you personally define as promiscuous? Wanting or needing birth control as a teen does not indicate promiscuity. I

But I'm all for responsible "promiscuity" so whatevs.

[valsa]

I want her to feel safe asking me for birth control but on the other hand I think promiscuity is a bad choice.

I have several years to think about how to approach this but it doesn't feel long enough. And, as you have pointed out, maybe not even that long.

I have to side with Kelya- what do you consider "promiscuity"? I may have started experimenting sexually young but I didn't lose my virginity for years after that. Is sleeping with one person considered "promiscuous"? How many people can you sleep with until it's promiscuity? What does that label cover- is any sexual contact promiscuous? Full vaginal or anal sex? Oral sex? Hand jobs? Heavy petting?

I'm a big fan of starting age-appropriate sex education early. If you wait until they start puberty, it's far, far too late. Since I know you have a lot of kids, I’ll go with a pregnancy related comparison- that’s like stopping drinking/starting pre-natal vitamins after you’re already knocked up.