Fundie 'Family Rules'

[delilahdog11]

On rasing a foot or a hand: there are times when you may feel so hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, or all of these things at once and you may feel the only thing you can do is hit, kick, or wreck something. Take a deep breathe and figure out if there is a better way to express yourself. Or to transform that energy. Sometimes letting out a big sigh, rolling your eyes, scowling, getting a hug, taking time to yourself. Can help you calm down.

[delilahdog11]

The Duggars tell their kids no to go to bed feeling guilty. I guess this to encourage their kids to confess all their impure thoughts. Like: I wish I was a doctor so I sew mullet's vagina shut, so I didn't have to change the diapers of another buddy. I wish I could use the money I made to buy actual shoes instead of flip flops. I hate TTC.

[bananacat]

My mom also advised me to never go to bed angry or guilty, but it took on such a different meaning. First of all, it wasn't a rule but a bit of wisdom, and she followed it as much as she expected me to. But she never tried to use it to make me confess. What she meant is that if there's a problem, don't let it fester. Deal with it. Talk to the person you're having a problem with. Realistically, not all problems can be solved in a few minutes before bedtime. But I do still try to face problems instead of ignoring them and letting them get under my skin. However, in the Duggar household, I'm sure it has a completely different meaning. For fundies, it means that if you're feeling angry, suppress your anger as fast as you possibly can. It never means dealing with problems directly.

[Deleted07]

our family rules were really only, try not to swear... (hard lesson when my dad was from Navy stock, and swore at anything and everything! lol) and don't break anything!

Our house was always a loud house, lots of loud talking over one another, sometimes fighting, sometimes a few hair pulls, but ultimately we were happy and well looked after and most importantly able to express ourselves! Which I am incredibly grateful for!

Cannot get over the guilt and shame these people put on their children, its so controlling and messed up... and we've seen how messed up it makes people even those who do 'escape' (ie SK) with how emotionally immature they are, and attention seeking! Such a shame.

[thoughtful]

There's a reason I use "42" as my avatar. It's all you need, really. :mrgreen:

RIP Mr. Adams.

+1

Douglas Adams' version of Creationism:

:D

[desertvixen]

Don't drink the last coke, or eat the last chocolate.

This can be modified in our household to "don't eat/drink it without letting someone know" and also, when I was growing up, I think each member had that one food item that was their favorite, and if you weren't that person, you didn't take the last of THEIR item without permission.

Like Teri M, my mother has made Pepsi something of an idol. (I prefer to worship at the altar of Dr Pepper.)

Unlike Steve, my stepfather has never tried to ban it from our house. He just makes sure there is always at least one in the fridge if Mom needs it.

[Miggy]

20. Never let the sun go down on your wrath. (Don’t go to bed angry or guilty)

My families version of this was: Don't try to sort out problems while you are still mad. I can remember many times being sent to bed to "sleep on it", then being able to calmly sort out the problem in the morning.

Ok, I know this isn't the right thread for this but does anyone else think Teri was self medicating with Pepsi? She has continuous pain, she can't use legal drugs because Steve thinks you can pray yourself better and/or it is a trial from God and she can't use alcohol, the drug of choice for most who self-medicate. The caffeine wouldn't help with the pain but it would give her a bit of energy to get through the day. (I assume she has poor quality sleep due to pain.)

[JesusFightClub]

I used to work in...well, I don't want to get too specific ;) but it involved fielding a lot of phone calls from panicking officials of various types. And I used to say the same thing to all of them. "Look, everything's fixable".

It seems like a good rule to live by. I don't mean you can get rid of incurable cancer or the like, but if you make a mistake 99% of the time it's not the end of the world and it doesn't make you a bad, stupid person unfit to hold down a job or participate in family life. (You'd be surprised how many people in high positions utterly panic when something goes wrong.) Everything can be made better, just don't panic, accept shit happens and there's no one on the planet who doesn't fuck up now and again, roll up your sleeves and get fixing.

[blatantlyeggplant]

Yeah, they were putting other before themselves when they made a sick kid travel to meet them rather than the other way around, when they spend about half the year traveling anyway. They put others before themselves every day when they diligently work at destroying the planet for future generations with their paper plates, styrofoam cups and gas guzzlers. "Duggar time" is all about putting the needs of other people, who might be waiting on them, before their own. I'm sure Josh is putting his customers (god help them) first when he jacks up the prices on his cars, and doesn't fix faults which could well compromise safety. And of course, he ALWAYS puts the safety of other people first when he's driving and instagramming. I could go on. And on. And on.

J.O.Y. my arse.

[Deleted07]

Yeah I agree, the rules are definite types of programming for the children and, never really followed by the adults!

[WanderingStar]

The Duggars' numerous rules irk me in so many ways...(my own comments in bold as well)

SOME FAMILY RULES

# Nothing that goes against nature. Pigs don't wear clothes or talk so books or toy pigs that do are banned.

# No dolls as they are graven images.

# No photos as they are also graven images.

# Never question/challenge the headships authority. (When he chooses to spend his weeks wages on books so you have no money left for groceries, don't say anything to him. Ring your mother-in-law and ask her to provide you and your six children with food.)

# No Tv. (No problem with this in their own houses but when they visit my house they not only ask me to turn the Tv off but put it out of sight so it will not tempt their children. I oblige because I am not going to do anything to risk my relationship with my nieces and nephews.)

I could go on but I'm starting to feel stabby...

Rules #1 and #6 are screwy, and I’m sorry about you having to hide the TV as per their rule. That’s just unreasonable to expect of you. Regarding the graven images, I was going to ask if your in-laws are Amish or Mennonite but if I’m correct, I think Amish children can play with dolls as long as they’re faceless. That must explain why all of the cute rag dolls I see in online shops that sell Amish goods are faceless.

[debrand]

Deflecting praise is rude. If someone offers you a compliment the correct answer is THANK YOU. How does deflecting praise work anyway?

There have been times when I've given sincere compliments only to have the other person explain why the compliment was incorrect. Although I realize that the reciever is probably underconfident, it always comes across as being rude and egotistical. Afterall, the compliment giver doesn't really want an entire half hour story about why someone's hair doesn't really look nice or how they've gained weight so their dress doesn't actually look nice on them. Just say, thank you.

[Spider Burps]

Deflecting praise is rude. If someone offers you a compliment the correct answer is THANK YOU. How does deflecting praise work anyway?

There have been times when I've given sincere compliments only to have the other person explain why the compliment was incorrect. Although I realize that the reciever is probably underconfident, it always comes across as being rude and egotistical. Afterall, the compliment giver doesn't really want an entire half hour story about why someone's hair doesn't really look nice or how they've gained weight so their dress doesn't actually look nice on them. Just say, thank you.

I have a horrible habit of doing that! It's what I was taught to do and, though I make an effort to avoid it, I still often find myself saying, "Oh, thanks, but [insert why I disagree here]" or "Thanks, but [insert why I think YOU are better at the thing you're complimenting me on]". I swear I'm not doing it out of rudeness/egotism; I was just raised to believe that I was being rude by not deflecting the praise--and my parents weren't even fundie. Need to learn to stop at just, "Thanks!" :oops:

[Deleted07]

Came across these 'Values' that are actually Rules from The Shedd Family:

musingsfromshdzark.blogspot.com.au/2010/05/what-are-your-values.html

1. Each member of the family would have a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ (John 3:16).

Each child must choose the Lord for themselves, but we as parents (and especially Dad) will strive to present the gospel clearly enough that we will have no regrets, and each child has no excuse.

2. Joyfully serve others (Galatians 5:13).

Through weekly/monthly hospitality and/or taking meals to new neighbors, new moms, or those recovering from illness/surgery.

3. Obedience (John 14:15).

“Do what I say, do it right away, and always with a smile!â€

4. Respect and honor authority, elders, and all others (Romans 12:10).

Speak honorably of others, guarding our tongues from slander.

5. Love for babies and children (Matthew 19:14).

We will receive with joy all the children that God desires to bless us with. God is the giver of life, and He opens and closes the womb.

6. Love for worship (Psalm 66:1-2).

We will sing and worship each day at the piano, especially singing Scripture.

7. Modesty in how we dress (Colossians 3:17).

Our girls will be distinctly feminine, and our boys will be distinctly masculine.

8. Love for learning and teaching God’s Word (2 Timothy 2:15).

We will emphasize individual devotions, morning devotions with Mom, and evening devotions with Dad at the family meal table.

9. Give their hearts to Dad and Mom until they are given over in marriage (Proverbs 23:26).

We will promote courtship over dating. Dad is responsible to guard the purity of our daughters until their wedding day (this means that we will promote especially our daughters remaining in our home rather than going away to college or setting up their own apartment).

10. Enjoy the beauty of God’s creation.

We will prioritize national parks, mountains, beaches over “entertainment†parks.

11. Wise about what is good, but innocent concerning evil (Romans 12:19).

We will guard all forms of media in our home. In particular we will severely limit broadcast television and radio. At all times, we will honor the authority of God’s Word.

12. Prefer siblings over friends.

We will cultivate that the attitude in our children that their siblings are their best friends. We will limit interactions with friends primarily to Sundays and/or hospitality.

13. Honor the Lord with our choice of diet.

Our general practice will be homemade meals over processed meals. We will purchase natural and organic food as much as possible.

14. Honor our day of rest.

On Thursdays (our current day of rest), we will do our best not to make any commitments that separate our family on that day.

:shock: :evil: :cry:

[Deleted07]

1. Each member of the family would have a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ (John 3:16).

Each child must choose the Lord for themselves, but we as parents (and especially Dad) will strive to present the gospel clearly enough that we will have no regrets, and each child has no excuse.

hahah you have a choice, but NO EXCUSE not to accept Jesus... :roll:

3. Obedience (John 14:15).

“Do what I say, do it right away, and always with a smile!â€

Yes Master, anything you say MASTER! KISS MY ASS MASTER *SMILE* :whistle:

5. Love for babies and children (Matthew 19:14).

We will receive with joy all the children that God desires to bless us with. God is the giver of life, and He opens and closes the womb.

Don't dare question Mommy and Daddy's inability to care for their large brood! Especially when you are the one infact parenting your siblings!

7. Modesty in how we dress (Colossians 3:17).

Our girls will be distinctly feminine, and our boys will be distinctly masculine.

Can't have anyone not realizing if we're a boy or a girl! We all know that could lead to Hell!

9. Give their hearts to Dad and Mom until they are given over in marriage (Proverbs 23:26).

We will promote courtship over dating. Dad is responsible to guard the purity of our daughters until their wedding day (this means that we will promote especially our daughters remaining in our home rather than going away to college or setting up their own apartment).

Gotta be in charge of those Hymens!

12. Prefer siblings over friends.

We will cultivate that the attitude in our children that their siblings are their best friends. We will limit interactions with friends primarily to Sundays and/or hospitality.

Can't have friends, this could mean defecting!!!

Really makes me sad :cry:

[clarinetpower]

Quote:

Duggar House Guidelines

1. Always use soft words, even when you don’t feel well.

2. Always display kind actions and joyful attitudes, even if you have been mistreated. Have the right response by quickly forgiving others in your heart even before they ask.

It seems to me that they've forgotten about Jesus. Not only did he get angry, yell, turn over tables and force the moneylenders out of the temple (NOT SOFT WORDS), he made snarky comments to his disciples all the time.

What he didn't do, however, is beat people with plumbing lines. Or anything, for that matter.

[pomology]

+1

Douglas Adams' version of Creationism:

:D

I completely adore the entire prologue (or whatever it is) to the Hitchhiker's Guide. It is such an apt description of humanity what with our green little pieces of paper and all.

[FundiesInMyFamily]

The never/always language upsets me as well. We don't live in a never/always world. Human emotions are just that - human; we get mad, jealous, frustrated, sad, ect and it's okay to express that in a healthy way.

For example my son has a limited understanding of his emotions due to his disabilities. He's got a firm grasp on happy, sad, mad, excited, and hungry. Frustration is one that is complex and he doesn't really understand so when he's overwealmed or over stimulated he would go ape shit and loose it. So I've taught him about being mad, confused, and frustrated, that it's okay and he shouldn't be afraid to talk about his feelings or what he doesn't understand. It has worked out really well.

[GiGi_41]

All these rules...how do the kids remember them all?

We have the 3 B rules in our Quaker/Atheist house

Be safe

Be honest

Be respectful

With these three rules we can cover just about anything...curfew, arguing, to many snacks, dating, you name it.

With the Littles we use Be Safe a lot...not running in the street, sitting in carseats, not jumping off the kitchen table.

We use Be honest and Be Respectful most often for our oldest FS...he was caught smoking so he was in breach of all 3 rules. Smoking is not safe, he was sneaking which isn't being honest, nor was he being respectful of his body.

I may have to add always carry a towel and don't panic to our short list though!

ETA: cause you can never have too many shacks!

[slickcat79]

10. Have a tough accountability/prayer partner to daily share your heart with and to keep you in line (your parents, spouse). The power of sin is in secrecy.

13. Always give a good report of others. Don't gossip! Never tale-bear unless physical harm will come to someone. (Use Matthew 18.)

I'm confused as to how these two work together. How are you supposed to always give a good report of others and keep them accountable at the same time? Being an accountability partner requires a certain amount of direct honesty, even when the truth hurts. It's also hard to avoid the "sin" of secrecy without tale-bearing. That one's not even true in Duggarland anyway. They mention in their first book that if someone tells their kids that something is a secret, the first thing the kids are taught to do is come tell mom and dad.

Agree also with the idea that the list of rules is way too long and complicated for little kids. I was going to post a clip of the Duggar kids trying to name all the rules from one of the earlier specials, but it looks like they've been removed from youtube. Anyway...the kids are about as good at naming the family rules as Michelle is at describing her children's personalities.

[DistantStar]

I have a hard time accepting praise, but I always assumed this was from a self-esteem problem stemming from being psychologically stomped on in middle school. I've gotten better, though it still feels awkward. I suppose a good way to foster such a problem would be to never be able to accept praise, and God forbid a fundie kid, especially a girl, not think she's dirt.

Rule 1 in my house, which my cat does not always go along with, is Wil Wheaton's "Don't be a dick." That can cover a lot of ground. I live alone so don't really have a list besides that, though if I'm going out I do tell the cat where I'm going and when I think I'll be back. :D

[sissyintexas]

Commenting on the "always deflect praise" rule -

When I was young, my mom told me if someone says, "You look pretty today!" and your response is "No, I don't; I look terrible," you are in effect telling them that they don't know what they are talking about or that their opinion doesn't matter to you.

Just say thank you.

[infooverload]

I always thought it would be interesting to have a psychologists look over these rules and parenting guidelines and say exactly what is wrong with them. For example the other night I'm catching an episode of United Bates and Kelly says something to their kids can stay home and worship, instead of partying like they used to. Most of us would agree partying is part of growing up and knowing you have an adult there to help you if you get in trouble. The rule in our house was don't drink, but if you do call us anytime of night no questions asked and we will come get you. We knew there would be a punishment later, but we also knew what our boundaries were and had to make our own choices.

[Deleted07]

I always thought it would be interesting to have a psychologists look over these rules and parenting guidelines and say exactly what is wrong with them. For example the other night I'm catching an episode of United Bates and Kelly says something to their kids can stay home and worship, instead of partying like they used to. Most of us would agree partying is part of growing up and knowing you have an adult there to help you if you get in trouble. The rule in our house was don't drink, but if you do call us anytime of night no questions asked and we will come get you. We knew there would be a punishment later, but we also knew what our boundaries were and had to make our own choices.

I would be interested to hear a psychologists thoughts on their rules, and also just generally how they live, too!

I mean I myself never partied, didn't care for alcohol or loud music or that scene, but I had the option to experience it. And then, had plenty of fun and independence doing other things! I think that's the key thing here, is independence! Teens and adults need to be able make their own choices, and these kids are just not thinking for themselves, or doing anything remote independent without a chaperon, even in their 20's!! Its insane!

[Mango]

Not gonna quote becuase it's so long, but I think what's creepiest about the Duggar rules is the 'this is a RULE' about kindness/compassion/forgiveness. The absolutism is just... ick. It leads to kids who are really quick to say "Of course I forgive you!" with no sincerity, and it's just massively creepy and WRONG.

I totally agree, in principle, that many of these are excellent principles to live by- but honest anger is WAY better for a kid (as long as they are taught you can't take it out on other people and there are ways of showing it that aren't okay) then fake compassion and tolerance that's enforced by mommy, daddy, and the plumbing line!