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Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 29


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"Blockhead Legal Services"


I had a reader tweet a message at me yesterday asking when I published a cartoon featuring Donald Trump and Peanuts’ Lucy Van Pelt. I had to dig it up and I discovered it was in March 2018. This morning, I thought today might be a good time to bring Lucy back.

In early 2018, Donald Trump was having trouble finding lawyers to represent him in the Mueller investigation. You knew it was bad when he was tweeting how the best lawyers in the nation were climbing over each other to represent him like he was an ambulance with a broken siren. The truth was, they kept dropping like flies. I’m sorry I can’t find a better metaphor. “Faster than credible lawyers dumping Donald Trump” is a metaphor.

During the Mueller investigation, his lead counsel resigned, he hired a husband and wife duo who were screaming fucknut legal heads at Fox News only for them to resign later. The attorneys he did have sent drunkenly-composed emails to reporters, mailed hush agreements from Trump’s address, tweeted guilt from Trump’s Twitter account, and loudly discussed strategy in one of the busiest and most popular restaurants among journalists in Washington. Keep in mind, this is the same guy who kept Michael Cohen on retainer. Donald Trump picks lawyers like he picks doctors.

Donald Trump set a lot of records as president (sic) with one of them being the rejections from law firms. According to reports, at least six law firms rejected working for Donald Trump in 2018. One legal expert said, “It is difficult for one to maintain one’s appearance of being an ethical lawyer while trying to represent Donald Trump.”

Even O.J. got top-notch legal help but then again, O.J. probably paid his lawyers.

Inside sources say Donald Trump doesn’t want to pay Rudy Giuliani his legal fees for spreading the big stolen election lie. Did he pay Sidney Powell? And look at the quality of legal services he received from that dynamic-farting duo. They lost over 60 cases in court. You would think they would have won at least one of them by accident. But even Lionel Hutz didn’t spread conspiracy theories about the deceased Hugo Chavez stealing the election from Trump with socialist voting machines. Jackie Chiles would take on Cosmo Kramer as a client before he’d take Donald Trump. Saul Goodman never had hair dye dripping down his face during a press conference. Even Barry Zuckerhorn didn’t fart during legislative hearings.

The Senate trial over Donald Trump’s impeachment for inciting a terrorist attack against the U.S. Capitol begins next week, and yesterday he lost five lawyers. One person familiar with what’s going on in Trump Legal Land told The New York Times they’re all splitting because Donald Trump is insisting they argue he won the election and it was stolen from him, thus justifying death to Congress and his own vice president.

The same person also says Trump told the lawyers the case is “simple” and he could argue it himself and save the money on lawyers. As a political cartoonist, all I have to say about that prospect is, “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IF THERE IS A GOD YOU’LL MAKE IT HAPPEN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK PLEASE!!!!!”

I would really like to see that.

I guess there are even a few Republican lawyers who can’t sell the lie Trump won the election. He did lose over 60 cases with that argument. Or, maybe the lawyers just don’t want to lie. I said it repeatedly throughout the Trump presidency (sic): You can not defend Donald Trump without lying. It’s impossible. You don’t need a law degree. You need a degree in bullshit.

Donald Trump is guilty. He incited a riot. He spent nearly $3 million putting that attack together. He told his supporters to march on the Capitol and stage a coup attempt. He told them to overturn an election, disenfranchise millions of voters, and install him as an illegitimate president. He told his followers to make him a fascist dictator. His crowd attacked the Capitol looking to hang Mike Pence and kidnap Nancy Pelosi. Five people died, including a Capitol Police officer. Donald Trump is guilty. He shouldn’t just be convicted in the Senate and barred from future political office. Donald Trump should be in prison.

Do you know who says Donald Trump told the terrorists to attack the Capitol? The terrorists. That’s their defense.

Fortunately for Donald Trump, his jury has Republicans on it. Like Trump, Republicans are corrupt. For Trump, they are so sycophantic, they’ll vote not to convict him for an act where he tried to have them killed. Seriously.

Donald Trump probably doesn’t even need a lawyer because he already has a tainted jury. But let me offer one piece of advice in case she does take him as a client: Lucy, get that nickel in advance.


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