How I found that there was So Much More to life than being a SAHD

[dripcurl]

Hello! I have been wanting to do this for a few months now, and I finally have the time. As much as I wanted to burn it, I decided to keep my old copy of the notorious So Much More. Why? Because I as much as I hate it now, reading (and re-reading) it was a pivotal event in my life. And I forgot how much I had marked in it. So now, it’s time for me to share and for us to snark together! But first, some background on me and why I was once a Stay at Home Daughter.

 

I grew up with a psychologically and financially abusive father. I hope that most readers here understand that the effects of this can be just as detrimental as physical abuse in it’s own, complex way. Unfortunately, the suffering did not end and begin when he was in the room. His behavior affected my entire family, and being the oldest child, I did pick up many of the proverbial pieces. I was and still am a Christian, and was homeschooled, which I regard as a highly positive experience for me. Because he would become jealous when my mother had friends, his sabotaging efforts often rendered my family somewhat isolated.My brother is special needs, and my sisters are so much younger than for most of my formative years I was the one who brought most of the social interaction into our home. And since my mother was somewhat isolated, and did not dare tell the friends that she did have what was going on, I was the automatic ear that lended her long suffering. As I became a teenager, I was becoming more and more aware of who my dad really was. I did not have much to go off of since he refused to interact with me most of the time, and the times he did usually were forced and disgruntled. The few times we have had positive, natural interaction was because he wanted something. To boot, my family was involved in a horrific church, that my parents were determined to “fix”. I realized how unstable my options for relying on others were, and mixed with a fortitude to not be like my parents, I decided to passionately invest my young adult years into preparing myself for a “true Christian husband”. But I still was not ready to let go of repairing a relationship with my dad, and I wanted my dad to be better for my family’s sake. Lucky for me, we received a Vision Forum catalog in the mail in Fall of 2009 (due to the various Christian homeschooling activities I was involved with) and the rest is history.

 

My Mom immediately ordered “Return of the Daughters” and I was completely dazzled with the idea of a father caring enough to provide for his daughters until their husbands could step in. I was even more smitten with the idea of a father joyfully spending time with his daughter even as an adult. I was not against, nor was I raised against, finding independence of my own through education and/or a career. However, my desire for an authentic, happy relationship with my dad was so strong, I was desparate to find something. How could I get all of this to work though? 

 

Enter So Much More. I received it that Christmas and I considered it an answer to prayer. THIS was how I could finally make my dad like me. Upon reading it, I was convinced that this entire time, my father was merely “discouraged” that his wife and daughter were not submitting to his authority, thus he acted out in other ways. Same old Botkin shit - it’s never the man’s fault. I was extra thankful that only would having a submissive heart bring me closer to my dad, but it would someday attract a strong Christian man into my life. It seemed like a win-win. However now, at almost 24, I do not even consider my dad my dad, and I am single woman (living on her own with a new career, yay!) who is very discouraged by men at this time, but I don’t want to let my experience turn me cynical.

 

The long and short of it is that I am equal parts bitter and thankful for how trying to be good SAHD shaped my life, and that I hope this project of mine not only provides productive discourse about the dangers of this brand of femininity, but will also encourage everyone to take ownership of their experiences and look to a better future for themselves. That is easier said than done for me, I am pessimist by nature and struggle with moderate depression. 

 

****If you’re still reading at this point, here’s my plan for contributing to this thread:

 

• As of right now, I plan to to draw my material specifically from my highlighted copy of So Much More from my teen years.

• I hope to directly tie in a personal story about my stint as a SAHD along with each critique of whatever passage I once loved. 

• I will post these periodically, hopefully once a week or so. As for right now, I think this long winded introduction should provide for a good discussion, and I want to answer, clarify, and engage in as much as I can.

 

One last disclaimer: I am almost 24 years old and just recently moved out. This in no way means I held onto a SAHD ideology for that long. In fact, my main reason for staying at home was financial as I was exploring my higher education. Also, as I explained earlier, I have a unique family situation and was quite codependent with my mom. I would say I only subscribed to such fundamentalist beliefs from the time I was 15 to age 19.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 10, 2018 by dripcurl
typo

[Lisafer]

I'll be checking back to see this thread! Your experience with fundamentalism seems like it is quite different from mine, although with similar themes of dysfunctional family dynamics. Have you used therapy or counseling in your journey?

[dripcurl]

2 minutes ago, Lisafer said:

I'll be checking back to see this thread! Your experience with fundamentalism seems like it is quite different from mine, although with similar themes of dysfunctional family dynamics. Have you used therapy or counseling in your journey?

I was in therapy as young teen before my brush with my fundamentalism, mainly for my own behavior. I have tried therapy once since then (about 2.5 years ago) and was too overwhelmed by it. However, now that I am making more and not in school, I do plan on finding a therapist by the end of the year. I think that I have put it off for too long. 

[Howl]

@dripcurl, thank you much for sharing your experiences!  I look forward to reading more. 

 

[Mrs. Bean]

I’m looking forward to reading this thread. Welcome to FJ.

[sleepy_doggos]

I will be reading your thread with interest as well! Thanks for sharing your experiences. It helps us all understand a little bit better.

[hoipolloi]

4 hours ago, dripcurl said:

Enter So Much More. I received it that Christmas and I considered it an answer to prayer. THIS was how I could finally make my dad like me.

Your statement (above) is just so sad.

It's good to read that you're doing reasonably well now & succeeding on your own.

Thank you for doing this - I look forward to future installments.

[WiseGirl]

11 hours ago, dripcurl said:

, I do plan on finding a therapis

Don't settle on any therapist, hold out for the one that will work for you and you won't feel overwhelmed by the sessions/work.

[pook]

Welcome and can't wait to follow this thread!  You are 24 and have so much ahead of you and you have already come so far.  Bravo!  I get the authoritarian (and hate to say it abusive) Dad piece, not from a Fundie perspective but for my own reasons.  I have only just come to terms with and understand the harm that was inflicted upon me while I was growing up and finally at age 45 I have come to the realization that I am NOT crazy.  Good lord I am old enough to be your mother <3.  I have a learning disability I still struggle with which was of course never diagnosed, being the 1970s and 80s.  My father used a tough love, critical, pull up your socks, don't be so sensitive, stop over-reacting approach with me and my Mom would try to intervene but with little success.  There was a tremendous amount of gaslighting going on.  I was also spanked until age 16.  The long and short of it is that I have always wanted to be on my Dad's good side and win his affections (still do), so I really get where you were coming from as a teen.  In your case you went the SAHD route and in my case I went the bad boyfriend a la looking for love in all the wrong places, and both are equally destructive.  My relationship with my mother is a different story for another day.  I wish you much success.

[AliceInFundyland]

So interested to hear your thoughts.

Difficult father here as well.

[MamaJunebug]

Welcome and thank you for your candor. 

Looking forward to your story. 

[dripcurl]

Hi! I am sorry I abandoned this. This past year I reconnected with a fellow former fundie and we ended up getting married! So that’s a pretty good excuse I suppose. I have been working through some of family experiences in which many issues were projected the form of fundiedom, but also just from being in an abusive church in therapy. I need a place to vent, and I am considering doing a blog or podcast about my experiences. But I at least want to get a dialogue going again. So here I am FJ! I’d be happy to start answering questions related to

 

My relationship/marriage

 

Growing up in a AG church with toxic leadership

 

Being involved in NCFCA speech and debate (an offshoot of HSLDA), and Christian Heritage in Washington state

 

Having a narcissistic father and how my aspirations in being a SAHD relates

 

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by dripcurl
yay therapy!

[dripcurl]

I just made my first blog post! I am really thankful for the presence FJ provides and I am excited to become more involved in this community.

[dripcurl]

Shout out to @Curious for unarchiving this thread for me, especially with everything they have going on. I have so much I am ready to discuss! My husband grew up a little more evangelical than me, and he has made many similar experiences as we both grew up in very inconsistently fundie homes.

 

I am posting a link to a documentary being made about the megachurch he grew up in, Christian Faith Center (Casey Treat’s church) as it was bathed in exploitation and sexual harassment/abuse. Oddly enough, when my husband and I were leaving for our honeymoon back in July of last year, Casey and Wendy Treat were in the terminal right by us at the airport. We were headed to Kauai, they were headed to Honolulu. I have been well aware of the Treats since I grew up in the Seattle area and still live nearby. This little run-in spurred us to google the most recent happenings with CFC, and we found this documentary. It was just starting to recruit ex-members, and they still are.

 

https://megachurchexploitation.com

 

Even more coincidentally, only a month later a prominent Treat family member happened caused quite a stir at a place of business I was working at temporarily last year. I can’t/won’t elaborate due to privacy laws. Said family member did not act very Christ-like.

 

Who else has had any brushes with CFC? I have some weird stories even with my limited experience with it.

 

[jjmennonite]

Interesting story. I can relate. I was raised by original fundies, with toxic family dynamics exacerbated by crazy religion. Even though my parents left the headcovering, dresses only Mennonite church when I was 5, they were still stuck in so many crazy beliefs, and patriarchy. Dad was a weaker person than mom but she tried to be a good submissive wife, and the manipulations and resentment that resulted were toxic. Dad also went religion shopping, a lot, so we had some pretty weird Pentecostal variations, lots of demons. 

Free Jinger has been invaluable for me, as I still unpack my childhood and the horrific influence of religion. We were not homeschooled, and I managed to get a degree, and has a good career and now I am retired. 

There are 4 of us sisters and we have all picked abusive men, but none of us are with them now. I am sure this has a lot to do with our father, and religion. I accidentally got pregnant, at 34, and the sperm donor took no responsibility, and I raised an amazing daughter, who is about to turn 27. 

I wish you the best with your marriage and career, and I am very interested in your story. 

 

[dripcurl]

@jjmennonite My husband and both had very emotionally exes before we got together, it definitely comes with the territory. Both sets of parents are very dysfunctional so we thought we were doing good to just be with people who were nice to us sometimes. I am glad you got out of your abusive relationship. I always say that Christianity was just a tool for my parents, I would have been messed up either way. Oddly enough, my parents got sucked into a Pentecostal church that quickly turned toxic, and subjected me and siblings to it’s bullying and emotional abuse for years. I would have been more sympathetic to my parents if they seemed to be gaining peace and encouragement from it, but they did not. I came to the realization the other day that I have such a hard time with church because it was always an act for my family. We were sincere in our beliefs, but my family always treated that church like the enemy. Which it was! But they would never leave. I was forced to go to church, felt obligated to participate in ministry, was pressured to be a “godly example” to other girls, only to have my parents vocally loathe the church, refuse to sing during worship, and freak out on me if I did anything remotely resembling the “skanky girls”.