My parents believed in May's supposed Rapture

[AnnoDomini]

My father ran a Bible fellowship and some years ago he announced that he believed the end of the world would be in May this year. I was a youngish teenager. And they didn't just teach that believers would be raptured up to heaven with everyone else 'left'. Oh no. They taught full-on Judgement Day--believers taken to Heaven, unbelieves judged and thrown into Hell. My father taught us to fear Hell, but didn't teach us to desire Heaven. He barely spoke of Heaven. I've spent the last seven years praying over and over for assurance that I was saved, and I've had nightmares about Judgement Day for years. I'd dream something absolutely freaky was happening--weird lights through the trees, the sky opening up with me looking up at it and realizing, this is the end of everything and I'm not ready. (Thankfully, I'm ready now. I even dreamed about it.) Nightmarish images like this http://12uspost.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/end-of-the-world8.jpg and this http://ipadwallpaper.eu/wallpapers/2/judgement-day-apocalypse.jpg were what I was given to envision.

I'm trying to deal with my anger to my parents about this. Their prediction has deeply affected my life. I developed depression, barely got any jobs (a big part because my parents did not seem to think about their ten childrens' futures) and stopped having hope for my future. I'm still dealing with it.

[debrand]

I'm so sorry. How horrible. A lot of adults don't understand how damaging the emphasis on the end of the world can be to a little child.

When I was young, our Baptist preacher gave a sermon about how the blood of the unsaved would reach the bridle of a horse. Up until that point, I had learned about Jesus, meek and mild. Learing that the loving Jesus would destroy the world was troubling for me.

[finleeport]

There's one thing I don't understand of this view of the Rapture-believers, for those who were left behind, can't there also be martyrs? Don't they believe in Martyrdom?

[emmiedahl]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine the impact on your life. (((hugs)))

[luckylassie]

I'm sorry that you've been struggling. I did this for so long myself! I used to think that the rapture would happen in the middle of the night and that I better confess every sin I thought of or I'd miss it in the blink of an eye. I lost so much sleep over that too. The way I understand the Bible, only God knows the day and time of the rapture. I think that the pre-tribulation position is the most popular in my neck of the woods but then again I know of people who insist we will be here for the whole entire tribulation period.

[luckylassie]

I met one guy who was of the idea that anyone who was not taken in the rapture would have to be martyrs to go to heaven.

[antifundie]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I spent *years* being afraid of airplanes because I thought it was the rapture.

Also, your anger is totally justified, I'm beyond angry on your behalf.

I don't know if you still identify as a Christian, but I've found this website (and the author's book) helpful:

QuiveringDaughters.com

Do you have access to a counselor? It might be good to talk to one.

[Austin]

That sucks, Anno. I'm sorry that your parents viewed the world this way. I don't think adults understand how traumatizing it is for children to hear over and over again that the world will end, and hell-hell-hell all the time. A child can't put that into any real context, so it's frightening and confusing, I think.

I struggled with my pre-trib/semi-calvinist upbringing because I was afraid that I really wasn't one of the elect and that I would get left behind and the only way to get into heaven then would be to have my head cut off (which would be the punishment for not "taking the mark"). Sounds ridiculous, but when I was nine or ten years old, I remember laying awake at night very anxious about this. Also, if I walked into the house and expected someone to be there and no one was, I would immediately begin to panic that everyone had been raptured but me. I have to admit that on a limbic brain level, this still happens to me occasionally. And it's utterly ridiculous.

[Jencendiary]

Also, if I walked into the house and expected someone to be there and no one was, I would immediately begin to panic that everyone had been raptured but me. I have to admit that on a limbic brain level, this still happens to me occasionally. And it's utterly ridiculous.

Me, too. My parents were full on Evangelical Pentecostals, with an emphasis on 'holiness' - any misstep, and if you die before you repent of it, hell. No matter what happened before. When I was about 10, I took a nap and everyone had gone outside or left to do other things and I couldn't find anyone in the house. We lived on about 3 acres. By the time I found my mom, I was hysterical because I thought the rapture had happened and I had gotten left behind. Instead of comforting me, my mother decided to grill me on what 'sins' I had committed and why I didn't think I was going.

[luckylassie]

So many people now are talking about fire and brimstone all the time. In one of my classes, a girl actually told the professor that she was worried about a one world government, marks on peoples hands, and being killed. This kind of talk is everywhere. I don't really get too worried about it as much as I used to. People have been saying the end of the world was coming on a certain date for hundreds of years. They were all wrong.

[AnnoDomini]

Yes, I still identify as a Christian. I'm slowly recovering, but it will probably take years (years my parents still believe I don't have) to get over it. I"ve read much of the No Longer Quivering website, and am so thankful my parents only got into the 'no birth control' portion of that doctrine. Oh and my parents first told me the world was going to end when I was seven. SEVEN. Thankfully, at that time I was either more assured of my salvation, or I hadn't been living long enough to ingest my father's hellfire preaching, because I remember my only worry about the end was not being able to take my baby blanket with me to Heaven.

At 24 years old (after I started making a huge stink about it) my parents FINALLY decided I was 'mature enough' to start taking community college courses. I had a great time doing the English, but cried half the time during algebra (because I failed to teach it to myself during my high school years, while three of my siblings taught themselves, and I felt like a failure, a bad example and shame to homeschooling), and pretty much cried all through the student success skills class because it was all about the future and life possibilities and hope--three things I've pretty much given up on in the past several years, and STILL having a hard time with.

There are so many rules in my life, whether acknowledged or not. I'm technically 'allowed' to choose my own clothing now, but if I don't wear something modest enough for my mother, she speaks to me about being a good example to my already-modest little sisters and I can feel her disapproval. It doesn't help that I dearly love immodest clothing, though of course most of it I wouldn't wear because I'm not very thin. And most of what I wear is ok to my mother. I still live at home and have no hope of ever moving out.

I've finally found a way to rebel without sinning--causing myself pain by scraping my skin hard with a blade. Usually it doesn't draw blood. It also realy helps calm myself when I'm lonely, trying to socialize and getting even more lonely feeling invisible. My parents would freak if they knew, but I'm not going to tell them. They should have done a better job.

[debrand]

Is there any way for you to escape?

[forever ago]

I've finally found a way to rebel without sinning--causing myself pain by scraping my skin hard with a blade. Usually it doesn't draw blood. It also realy helps calm myself when I'm lonely, trying to socialize and getting even more lonely feeling invisible. My parents would freak if they knew, but I'm not going to tell them. They should have done a better job.

that's not 'rebelling.' that's self-mutilation. It doesn't matter that you're not drawing blood, you're still harming yourself. I wouldn't blame your parents for freaking out about that. Seriously, if you can, please seek help.

[Guest Anonymous]

I still live at home and have no hope of ever moving out.

I've finally found a way to rebel without sinning--causing myself pain by scraping my skin hard with a blade. Usually it doesn't draw blood. It also realy helps calm myself when I'm lonely, trying to socialize and getting even more lonely feeling invisible. My parents would freak if they knew, but I'm not going to tell them. They should have done a better job.

You're a young woman with a life ahead of you - I believe you can get out of there. Going to college is a huge step in the right direction, a part-time job that allows you to save some money would be great, too.

A lot of people struggle with self-harm. We all have coping mechanisms - some are healthy and some are not. Self-harming is unhealthy, and I wonder if there's some way you could get counseling? Maybe through your school? Would you be comfortable sharing (in very general terms, your safety comes first) the area of the country that you're in? There are FJers all over and we may be able to hunt up some services that could help you.

Your parents should have done better. You've been dealt a bad hand and there's no doubt of that, but you can make it into a better one.

[AnnoDomini]

I've believed for so long that I had no life in front of me, and if I was very very very very very very very lucky, I would go to a place that was good but undescribed when the world ended. I started feeling better when I envisioned it as a place I had read about in a book.

In terms of jobs, no one wants me. I had a job for the holiday season at the craft store, and I did my very best and was an excellent employee, but they still let me go at the end. They said they just didn't have the hours to keep me, but they kept other seasonal workers. I'm just never quite good enough. If (and I stress if) I have the years, I just might be able to move out if I have the money and the ability to finish college with a useful degree, but that's years and years away. I'm not eligible for most scholarships, have no college fund, don't trust loans (my sister got some that she was SURE she wouldn't have to pay off before college ended, but she had to drop out to pay them. She's working at Starbucks and sharing a bedroom with me) and I'd need massive, massive loans/scholarships to afford college. That's even assuming anyone would hire me after college. I just don't trust in the future.

I appreciate the concern. It's wonderful to be able to speak freely about this. I don't speak to my family about it. Oh, they know about my depression and stuff, but other things, no. When I mention how hard it is to hear things about 'my future' becauase I've believed for so long that I didn't have one, they just nod. Either they know better than to argue, or they agree with me that I have no future. One small boon is they know better than to demand rent money--they know the fight I'd put up wouldn't be worth it, seeing as it's their failure as parents that's why I'm still here.

My parents love me more than anyone else ever could or would. All in all, I have a good home life. It's hard to communicate that when I need to talk about the problems, but please, rest assured my parents have large good sides. They just... don't always think things through as to potential side effects.

[emmiedahl]

Can you talk to someone at your community college about the cutting? I did that for a while in high school; outside of it being dangerous, I have some scarring on my arms that is still noticeable. I'm not judging. But you may want to talk to someone about that. Therapy does help.

[AnnoDomini]

I don't care about scars. Actually, I've always thought scars were cool. The counselor at college is nice but I'm not sure how actually professional she is--like if she's licensed or whatnot. But it's true, she's my only option--I can't afford counseling (not even sliding scale) and my insurance is a joke. Plus I'm getting better about the scraping.

Plus my parents would be unhappy if they knew I was on a site like this. Heck my mother threatened to kick me out of the house (even though she KNEW I had nowhere to go, no job, no prospects, barely even any friends) for making her 'feel' a certain way (like I can tell how something I do is going to make her feel. She's emotionally unstable as she has depression and keeps trying to go off her meds).

[liltwinstar]

Oh my gosh!! Please know that there is hope...I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but there is hope.

Does your community college offer any vocational training? Cosmetology, dental assisting, veterinary assistant, something like that? I realize it might not be what you want to do for the rest of your life, but it's a place to start, and usually those programs don't take too long. Talk to someone in your financial aid office; they will be able to help you. If you can get financial aid or loans or whatever for a vocational program, you can do that and you'll be in a good place to find a job when you're done with the program. Then you can move out of your parent's place and figure out what it is you want to do with the rest of your life.

Please don't be afraid to share your story with people who can help you - your instructors, people at the financial aid office, the academic advisors, etc. They will want to help you, but you have to be willing to let them know what you need. And please see if your school has any kind of mental health counseling - you have a lot on your plate, and cutting yourself isn't going to help you long term.

I realize that your parents are probably good people and all that. But you deserve your own life, to make your own choices, and to have hope for the future. You deserve to be happy.

[AnnoDomini]

Yes, some vocational training. Still takes thousands of dollars and years. And I know I don't have the wherewithall to spend thousands of dollars I don't have, to learn something I'm throughly uninterested in doing. The financial aid office is no help. I can't understand a thing she says other than when she tells me to 'register for classes and then we'll see what you might be eligible for'. She once also told me she could get me aid that I never got.

I can not get loans, because no matter how good they look or how much I think I wouldn't have to pay them off until I finished school, the same thing would happen to me as my sister--she had to pay off her loans during school. And of course, even if they didn't have to get paid until the end of school, that's STILL assuming anyone would want me after school. All school would do was make me overqualified to get the minimum-wage-slavery jobs that I don't get now. This is the world we live in now. I'm trying desperately to be content with the good life I have now, and feeling guilty that I'm not. I have enough food, I have a roof and a home, and a family that loves me, even a friend that I see more than thrice a year (a record). I'm so afraid this is the best it'll ever get.

[anniebgood]

Honey, you need some help.

No man knows when the world is going to end. The rapture isn't even Biblical, the word is not even mentioned in the Bible. The book of Revelation was written to 7 churches in Asia Minor that John wanted to shake up.

Go see a counselor at your college. Find out about student loans so you can advance in your studies. I'm going back to school and I'm 58 and I will incur loans, but they will advance my earning potential. What about grants? They are out there for free. Heck, I couldn't pass algebra if my life depended on it. I got a courtesy D in high school so I could pass. I excel in English and History and Science. But Math? No way at all.

You need to realize that Jesus preaches love and compassion and the threatening sermons were directed to the Pharisees. His grace is freely given and there to be accepted. Stop beating yourself up about dying without sin. Read "Love Wins" by Rob Bell. I'll guarantee it's totally opposite what you've been taught. I believe that hell is here on earth and is separation from God that we initiate.

As far as the cutting, it's a cry for help that you are subconsciously putting out there into the ether. Please, talk to someone. Find out about free mental health services at your school. They are there.

I pray that you find the freedom and love that Christ Jesus offers you and you can walk away from the damnation that your father preaches.

[Guest Anonymous]

I don't want to be harsh with you. That said, I feel like you are asking for help and then shooting down what everyone suggests that might help you. I *get* depression, and that feeling of "it doesn't matter what I do, things will always suck." You need help and it's okay to need help. Most people can't beat depression on their own.

But you have to take responsibility and take the first step. Talk to your counselor. If she works at a school, then she should have the training she needs to help you. Maybe she can prescribe you meds on a temporary basis to give you a boost up. Maybe she can refer you to someone else who can. Maybe talk therapy will help you and you won't need meds. But if you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting - and you don't seem to be happy with that.

If you want help and something better and your own life, people will try to help you. Starbucks is actually a pretty good company to work for, and they have insurance benefits. Maybe you and your sister can eventually get an apartment together. If that doesn't work, maybe you can get a roommate.

Your parents dropped the ball on your education and made things harder for you than they had to be. That sucks, but it can't be undone now. Don't give up. You're reaching out, and that's the first step. The second step is doing it in person and grabbing someone's hand who is reaching back out towards you.

[Eponine]

Just so you know, about the loans - I am a trained financial aid counselor and I used to work at a private university until a few months ago. If you go to a community college or even a state college, federal student loans WILL cover the entire cost. It sounds like your sister took alternative educational loans rather than federal loans as you do not EVER have to start paying back federal loans if you are at 6 credits or more per semester. At your age you would be eligible to start with $9500 in federal student loans for the year, which should be plenty to cover tuition at most community colleges.

Send me a message if you are interested in more info about them.

[maybeizfundie]

Wow.

I'm so sorry for what your parents did with the "end times" garbage. :( That just stinks. I'm a conservative, evangelical Christian and the "The End Is Coming, Why Bother Living?" stuff is garbage. It is. It flies directly in the face of what Jesus himself said about it. And as for sin, though in Christian thought sin hurts us and is something to avoid, there is no working your way into heaven. Nobody dies "sinless"--we are all imperfect because we are all human. That is what atonement is all about. It's not on your shoulders to be perfect.

I am so sorry you feel so hopeless. :( We just came out of a long period of unemployment for dh, and that was so hard on him. When you're in the middle of it, it does seem like there's no hope.

Don't give up. And please find some help for the cutting.

On the job front: Are you interested and have you considered jobs in the health services field? There are some that do not require degrees or certifications, but if you find your niche in that field, you might find yourself with a little more motivation to do the school thing, in order to move up there.

[AnnoDomini]

Thank you for caring. I am finding the freedom and love, it's just a slow process complicated by my depression.

I attend a small community college out in the boonies. The only help there is is what I'm already getting from the counselor (and she doesn't always have time for me either--sometimes new enrollees are there, and if they are, they take precedence over me).

[anniebgood]

Make an appt with the counselor so you get her undivided attention.

Do your FAFSA application for the student loans. You will need information from your parents tax return to do it.