"Harry Potter and the Lavender Brigade" by Doug Phillips

[Deleted12]

Breaking News

This morning, the publishing industry surprised the world by releasing a new, unexpected companion volume to last week’s sixth installment of J.K. Rowling’s hugely successful Harry Potter series. As word of the new release spread like wildfire, crowds of frenzied children and teenagers began thronging at the doors of hundreds of local bookstores in the United States and U.K., hoping to be among the first to receive their own copy of a book bearing the title: Harry Potter and the Lavender Brigade.

Harry Potter and the Lavender Brigade continues to perpetuate all the sorceries, incantations, and spells which have delighted children around the world. But this installment of Harry Potter introduces a new theme — homosexuality. In Harry Potter and the Lavender Brigade, we discover that the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is expanding its curriculum base to provide mandatory training in homosexuality for all of its recruits. Harry discovered in Book One that he was born with witchcraft in his blood. Now, recent discoveries show that the same students born with the gift of magic also possess a genetic predisposition toward homosexuality. With this in mind, the goal of Hogwarts is to teach its students the proper and moral way to be homosexual witches. Students must learn about safety, monogamy, and even social etiquette.

But the race is on. A second witch training academy run by evil witches has also discovered their own homosexual predispositions. Unlike Hogwarts, they intend to use their homosexuality for evil. They teach their students evils like sexual promiscuity. They openly encourage pedophilia. It is the mission of Harry and his intrepid gang of sodomite warlocks and lesbian witches (dubbed “The Lavender Brigadeâ€) to once again stop the menace of bad witches.

No Cause for Concern

Perhaps some Christians have concerns about children’s literature in which homosexuality is both a defining characteristic of the protagonists and a thematic element which runs from beginning to the end of the novel.

Relax. Don’t be so uptight. Don’t worry, Christian parents. Harry Potter is not the real world! It is an imaginary world. Children know the difference between the two. They are not going to start dressing up like their heroes or pretending to do the same things their heroes do in the stories. After all, it is just a pretend story. Thoughtful Christian critics will recognize that the author has created an alternative reality with a completely different set of rules. Sodomy may be wrong in the real world, but it is not wrong in Harry Potter’s reality, and it would be sophomoric to think that, just because the book is one long story about the glories of good homosexuality in the world of Harry Potter, that it desensitizes children to the problems with homosexuality in the real world. We should be ashamed of any Christians who would claim the author is promoting perversion. She makes strong distinctions between good homosexuality and bad homosexuality. Bad homosexuality is always presented as really bad.

http://www.visionforum.com/news/newslet ... d=07-22-05

And just because he's our Patron Saint:

[forever ago]

Wait, what the hell?

[fundiefan]

What the flying wrackspurt is that all about?

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Wait, what the hell?

Perhaps ol' Doug stumbled onto a Harry Potter slash fiction website and found himself inappropriately aroused? :D

[VodouDoll]

There's sodomy in Harry Potter?

[Guest Anonymous]

Wait, what the hell?

Witchcraft is just as evil as homosexuality! Or homosexuality is just as evil as witchcraft. I'm not sure. Wait, I've got it. If you let your darling crotchfruit read books, the next thing you know they will Avada Kedavra your patriarchal ass in your sleep! Oh, Dougie.

I like J.K. Rowling. I do not like Doug Phillips. As for our patron saint, I have an Alan Rickman clause in my relationship. If he ever expresses interest in me, I plan to bang him until he passes out and then bake him a cake.

[twin2]

God Dougie's toolness knows no bounds.

Doesn't he have anything better to do? Play some dress up or go anaconda hunting with the interns or something?

[VodouDoll]

In Harry Potter and the Lavender Brigade, we discover that the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is expanding its curriculum base to provide mandatory training in homosexuality for all of its recruits.

I bet there are ten thousand fan fictions with this very plotline.

[Lillian]

*triple facepalm*

[Terrie]

What is it with fundies and Harry Potter? It seems to make them froth at the mouth in a way nothing else does. I once saw an article that claimed that Potions in HP encouraged drug use in kids. (Sadly, it is no longer on the internet).

[Alecto]

No, no, Dougie, it's Lavender BROWN...

[forever ago]

No, no, Dougie, it's Lavender BROWN...

:D I was about to say that too.

[tehgoobster]

Seriously, Doug? I can't even. The magic in Harry Potter does not resemble real life occult practices. As far as I know, the Bible condemns things like necromancy and pagan religions. The magic in Harry Potter is completely fictional and bears no resemblance to what's condemned in the Bible.

[liltwinstar]

Pretty sure that HP infuriates fundies because 1. It was written by a women 2. she got filthy stinkin' rich (and good for her) 3. It's easy pickings 4. It's fun (thus bad) 5. Doesn't promote "good family values" because Harry isn't best friends with his 14 billion brothers and sisters (never mind that he's an orphan and that his family is dysfunctional; he should have submitted to his uncle and stayed in the closet!) 6. It's not something that they personally enjoy, so their kids shouldn't either. If daddy likes having 6 hour theology discussions, by golly, 7 year old Timmy should too!

(I've read all the HP books and liked them, but I'm not a rabid fan...that said, of course my hypothetical kid could read them! they're fun! No big deal)

[fundiefan]

I would like a syllabus from Dougie that has an outline of the objectives and practices to be taught and reached in the Homosexuality course. Are there videos? Is there a practical portion or is it all book work? It is OWL or NEWT level?

[denimjumper]

I tell you though, he writes very very well. He is well spoken. I can see where he gets his ideas. I don't have a problem with Harry Potter but several older members of our church do. One told my children to not read it. That is was a sin.

[ElphabaGalinda]

And he saw homosexuality in Harry Potter where? It was no where in any of the books...even the Grindwald/Dumbledore stuff didn't really present any homosexuality. This makes about a sense of a crumple horned snorckack. Lavender Brigade sounds like a band name to me.

Or perhaps Lavender Brown married a young man with the last name of brigade and took his name? MUCH more possible.

[ElphabaGalinda]

I would like a syllabus from Dougie that has an outline of the objectives and practices to be taught and reached in the Homosexuality course. Are there videos? Is there a practical portion or is it all book work? It is OWL or NEWT level?

I think it should be NEWT level. You don't want them using the advanced wand handling skills they learned in homosexuality class for evil, after all. :D

[Guest Anonymous]

I tell you though, he writes very very well. He is well spoken. I can see where he gets his ideas. I don't have a problem with Harry Potter but several older members of our church do. One told my children to not read it. That is was a sin.

Whoa. I don't have kids, but I can only imagine that I would have invited that person to stay the fuck out of my business. This could have something to do with why I'm not attending church at the moment - I'm too angry.

[forever ago]

I am a huge Harry Potter fan and have been since I was 9. Some folks at the Baptist churches I went to did not like this at all and were convinced that either I was insane and dangerous, my mother was insane for letting me read the books, or my mother was insane and so was I.

The magic in Harry Potter bears very little resemblance to old pagan myths. There is nothing related to the occult in there. On top of that, the languages the spells are written in? They're Latin, Greek and Aramaic. that's right, JKR used the same languages used to write the Bible to make up her spells.

I have to wonder about fundies who either can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy (are they afraid their kids will Avada Kedavra them in their sleep?) and/or underestimate kids' ability to tell the difference. I understand not wanting, say, a 6 year old to read Harry Potter, but after 6 kids generally have a good grasp of what is real and what is not.

Homosexuality is NEVER mentioned in the books, or in the movies. It's ever-so-slightly hinted between Dumbledore and Grindelwald in the seventh book, but it's never established that Dd and Gw were actually gay.

Why do fundies never read the books they whine about?

[forever ago]

And he saw homosexuality in Harry Potter where? It was no where in any of the books...even the Grindwald/Dumbledore stuff didn't really present any homosexuality. This makes about a sense of a crumple horned snorckack. Lavender Brigade sounds like a band name to me.

Or perhaps Lavender Brown married a young man with the last name of brigade and took his name? MUCH more possible.

Maybe.

In the books she's not mentioned past the start of the battle, I think. In the movie she gets killed by Fenrir Greyback :(

[Rowan]

forever ago,

HP Wiki says that

JKR confirmed that Lavender is killed during the Battle of Hogwarts by Fenrir Greyback - so it is also book even though it is just hinted at during the book

[Soulhuntress]

Hmph! Insulting St. Rickman means war.

tytOwMLqufg

Teh Ghey is linked. Hint: Draining the Lizard is teh awesome. Makes me think of Doug but it is not exactly family safe........ :banana-rainbow:

Oh And Dougie, Harry Came Out of the closet. When is it your turn? :D

[onlyorganic]

There's sodomy in Harry Potter?

Apparently in his spare time he dabbles in Harry Potter fanfic and got it confused with what JK Rowling actually wrote? I read this via someone's blog ages ago and never put two and two together that Dougie wrote it...

[Maggie Mae]

Is he attempting to write satire? I don't get it.