How do SAHMs do it?

[longskirtlotsakids]

A cute phrase I saw today: You can't compare your life with a blog. You are comparing your life's blooper reel to someone else's edited highlights.

I ran into a fundie Xtian blogger a few weeks ago. The thread was here and ran for like 8 pages. Long story short, I literally ran into a strange apartment because it sounded like a child was getting killed and she was screaming for help. The house looked like a meth lab or something, with garbage piled all over and filth. I am not talking cluttered, I am talking like these people just opened boxes of food and bottles of soda and threw it all over. The little girl was all alone and hadn't seen mommy for hours. I called the police, police called CPS, kid was attended to. Googled the mom's name when I got home and she has a Xtian mommy blog full of sunshine and rainbows.....

[CynicMom]

Xanax. Definitely Xanax.

[hapamama]

I'm a SAHM of 5 between 14 and 2. My school aged kids attend school, so there are long stretches of the day where it's only me, the little guy and hubby at home (he works from home). When school is in session, I seem to spend a lot of time dropping off and picking up kids at school.

My house is far from spotless, but it's not unsanitary. My kids get real meals, they bathe as frequently as we can, wear clean clothes (although sometimes it's hard to convince the teens that they DO need to change their shirts and underpants daily)...

[chaotic life]

My oldest was 12 when my 8th was born. Until the last 2.5 years, I only ever homeschooled the kids, ran for doctors' appointments and cooked and cleaned.

In our house, the cleaning went downhill in those years. I had one huge advantage that only five of the children were pregnancies, but the housekeeping was most dependent upon the children when I was pregnant and the first months breastfeeding. I kept the unsanitary stuff controlled but the house was cluttered and messy for many years

Dh and I agreed that my job was the children and the homeschooling. The house was both of our responsibilities. We would clean on the weekends and then try to hold things together during the week. I would not sacrifice my kids, but I was a lousy housekeeper anyway. So, we worked together.

We've left that fundia world now, my children are older, and I've stepped away from homeschooling most of the children. Meals are still simple and most of the cleaning is still done by the children, at this point because I sincerely believe they need to be taught better than I was. What the kids don't clean, the nanny now does. The house would still make someone uncomfortable and feel overly full if they weren't used to a large family dynamic though. It's perfectly clean now (we swoop the living room approximately six times per day and typically vaccuum twice a day). It's just this many people have more stuff, more body heat, more space they take up in a house. My living room feels a bit small, until you realize I have enough seating for all of my children in here. We have a corner completely overrun by medical equipment for the special needs child and that always makes my living room feel less comfortable for actual people. However, if you showed up at my door this very moment, I would let you in, apologize that the floors apear to need vaccuumed yet again and not sweat it otherwise.

In that season of chaos, I would have tried to stop anyone from coming over unannounced, but generally with 2 hours of work, I could recover the house. These days, it only takes about 5-10 minutes, the bigger frustration is that it is perpetually at that point except that finally swoop after they go to bed, but they put it back there within 15-20 minutes of getting up every morning.

Most large families I know let one of two things go. Either they let the homeschooling go entirely, and those families tend to tell themselves that "character training" counts as schooling. Most that I hang out with, or ever did, let the housekeeping go for that season.

My house was cluttered for a few years, but all of my children that I have put into public school have been honor roll students from the moment they figured out that homework was not a suggestion but an actual school requirement. My children don't necessarily remember the years the house was that cluttered and they weren't cared for any less themselves in that timeframe. I would much rather have lowered my standards for that season and been a terrific mother and teacher.

The greatest irony is not that I did it and survived it, but that I cannot fully remember HOW I did it and cannot imagine voluntarily going back to it now. My nanny has a 20 monther and she's cute as a button but I would SOO much rather just pass her off to her mama than dream about those days when I had a house full of littles that were driving me crazy.

[GenerationCedarchip]

I'm talking about the ones with 7 or 8 kids under ten years. I stuggle to get through the day without going a bit nuts with just my one kid. How do these women do it?? They "homeschool", cook for 10 people, entertain toddlers, breastfeed, do mountains of laundry, keep the house clean, all usually while pregnant, and still manage to "keep sweet" for their husbands. Plus, most of them don't have my glass of gin and tonic to look forward to at the end of the day.

Some will have older daughters to lighten the load, but a lot don't. I'm truly curious.

I think it varies a lot. I've known lots of fundie SAHMs. Some of them were completely batshit crazy, with neglected kids and all the other horrors we spot on blogs. However, I also know some who are very loving and nurturing toward their kids - no Pearl/ATI discipline garbage. The two things I noticed that most of the happier homes had in common were lots of planning and organization - forget calendars; these women have Excel spreadsheets up on the fridge. The other thing I saw was that they had good supports and maybe even got breaks of a sort. For instance, one of my high school friends has 5 kids under age 8. However, her husband takes the kids for the bulk of the weekend so she can have a break. She and some of the other church moms will also switch off babysitting for a few hours so that they can get groceries or run errands in peace. I've also known fundie churches that have a more formal version of the babysitting co-ops so that moms can take a kid to the doctor without having to take all 12, etc....

[bananacat]

I can't even imagine living life to an excel spreadsheet. I don't see how that makes things much better. Life should not be that rigid.

[chaotic life]

I have dry erase maker boards all over my house. I used to use poster boards but they weren't as easy to switch when I needed to adjust things.

Spreadsheets on my fridge just get ripped down and destroyed, moreso when they were all little than now with only 2 littles left even.

I have a marker board for my monthly calendar. I mesh DH's and the nanny's schedules onto this master calendar when I transfer mine from the one I carry in my purse onto the master board the first of every month. I have one for my chore chart and list both Saturday and weekly chores on it. I need a new one. Now that the kids are older, they have needs for non-food items when we go to the grocery store. I want a board in the kitchen so when they need personal items, instead of the constant litany of "I need" that never gets written down and we forget before shopping day, they can just write it on the board and we can add it to our list before going shopping. It's the best way to make sure they all have deodorant, razors, shave cream, shampoo, lotion, toothpaste, etc, etc, etc.

I tried the ultra organized MOTH schedules twice in the past and I flunked out on their system twice. It's WAY too regulated for me and I just couldn't do it. I can't live to spreadsheets. I have rhythm and routines to my life (and reminders for kids to take meds set on my phone) but I cannot have strict schedules like that.

[abba12]

I was the eldest of 5 and my husband the second of 8. It can be done, neither of us lived in filth or starved or anything like that and I for one was not overworked with chores.

I only have one so far and am pregnant with my second, but if I can be completely honest, the skills I learnt as a child means that I find handling my one very easy, and handling two isn't scary at all for me. I'm not trying to belittle your experience or anything, but a bit of confidence and experience goes a long way.

There is a sliding scale here, it dosen't take much longer to make dinner for 10 than it did for 3, just more ingredients. It dosen't take 8 times longer to put 8 kids to bed, they all go at the same time. Housework is often done quicker, because even little ones can pick up toys and do little chores and you suddenly have 20 hands keeping house, even if only, say, 10 of those hands are really any help right now. Children are less demanding of your time because they have lots of playmates, and the struggle becomes ensuring you spend ENOUGH time with them rather than trying to get them to leave you alone. You have to be organised yes, but remember, these mums see raising their children and keeping house as their full time job, and like any job they build skills and organise and work hard at it. There's also some question of priorities, there's a difference between a clean house and a hygenic house, and most homeschoolers houses will be cluttered during the day simply because they're lived in and used. People did not take daily baths until recently and I personally cannot due to my sensitive skin, so while one a week is excessive, once every two days is quite acceptable, and frankly, in the middle of summer a run around in the hose totally counts! Even my mum thought a soaking with the hose counted when I was a kid lol. Sure there's some shortcuts, it depends what's more important to you. For people with large families, having and loving those kids is a higher priority than having a bath every single day whether needed or not. Getting chores done quickly to allow for more family time is more important than always getting them perfect, hence young children helping out. It's give and take, there are some sacrifices, just like any other life choice, there's good and bad.

[Rosa]

It's the homeschooling on top of all the kids and housework that makes it seem impossible, I think. Schooling is time- and resource-intensive. So are babies. Doing both at once is two fulltime jobs. All the homeschooling moms I've known have dropped the schooling when they had new babies - either just shrugged and said "childcare is more important than whatever else they were going to learn this year!" or passed it off to their spouse or put the kids in school.

[aelar]

I think that a key factor in making it work has got to be temperament.

I am an introvert. I have one, amazing, adorable, happy and energetic baby, and I hate to say it, but sometimes I can't stand being around her. Not because of her being difficult, just because my introversion and issues around physical contact interact poorly with her babyness. A clingy baby wanting to nurse and do headstands at the same time, alternating with loud questions and complaints I can't understand and other constant demands for my attention and focus is incredibly draining, and by the end of a full day with her, my skin sometimes is crawling from all the touching and invasion of my physical, mental, and emotional boundaries. It's not her fault, and it's not my fault, it just is a fact that I need space, and that I'm not particularly well-suited to taking care of infants. So I'm only having one, I work outside the home, and I make sure to recharge myself so that I can handle my time with my girl in a positive way instead of dreading it. If I loved babies, loved being around people, loved being needed, craved a lot of physical contact, then my experience of being a mom would probably be a whole lot less stressful, and so having more kids would probably be both appealing and manageable.

The best moms of many have to be like that. I think some of the worst fundies snarked on here have similar issues to me, with being just the wrong personality to be taking care of a horde, people who get drained by the chaos rather than recharged by it. (Zsu and ThatWoman come to mind.)

[terranova]

A cute phrase I saw today: You can't compare your life with a blog. You are comparing your life's blooper reel to someone else's edited highlights.

I'll have to remember this when I'm reading Mommy bloggers and getting depressed.

[itsnikki05]

You either have to be uber organized or let things go!

[salsa]

I think that a key factor in making it work has got to be temperament.

I am an introvert. I have one, amazing, adorable, happy and energetic baby, and I hate to say it, but sometimes I can't stand being around her. Not because of her being difficult, just because my introversion and issues around physical contact interact poorly with her babyness. A clingy baby wanting to nurse and do headstands at the same time, alternating with loud questions and complaints I can't understand and other constant demands for my attention and focus is incredibly draining, and by the end of a full day with her, my skin sometimes is crawling from all the touching and invasion of my physical, mental, and emotional boundaries. It's not her fault, and it's not my fault, it just is a fact that I need space, and that I'm not particularly well-suited to taking care of infants. So I'm only having one, I work outside the home, and I make sure to recharge myself so that I can handle my time with my girl in a positive way instead of dreading it. If I loved babies, loved being around people, loved being needed, craved a lot of physical contact, then my experience of being a mom would probably be a whole lot less stressful, and so having more kids would probably be both appealing and manageable.

The best moms of many have to be like that. I think some of the worst fundies snarked on here have similar issues to me, with being just the wrong personality to be taking care of a horde, people who get drained by the chaos rather than recharged by it. (Zsu and ThatWoman come to mind.)

I think you're right. The moms of many (fundamentalist or not) who have it pretty well together, also seem to be suited for it. I think of one woman I knew who raised 7 children (not quiverfull/fundy - she and her husband just liked kids) and her house was the neighbor kids' hang-out house. She'd say, "It was fuuun!" and When her kids and grandkids and great-grands came to visit, she was positively energized when she said "oh, we had a houseful!" - and she is very extroverted. She enjoyed the happy children noise, though it could get to her, too. I couldn't imagine having to face something like that if noise "makes your ears bleed," like Zsu. Even happy children's noises would grate from morning till night. It's the perfect set-up for abuse if one, the other, or both parents are at their wits' end most of the time. It makes it very easy to take it out on the children and to demand more and more perfection from them.

Yet, fundy women are told, "You enjoy this because you're a woman." Those who don't love it must really be confused about what enjoyment is.

[EmmieJ]

Honestly, it CAN be done. It does mean lots of organization and planning. But it isn't impossible.

Kudos to TVR and other wonderfully organized SAH moms who can handle the juggling act with grace :)

I think that a key factor in making it work has got to be temperament.

I definitely agree with this sentiment. I love my son unconditionally and more than anyone or anything else in this world. But I do not have the temperament to be at home all day with him, day after day. We do mostly fine on the week-ends, but he has to constantly be juggling things, or tossing a ball, or swinging something back and forth around his fingers, etc. I don't know how to describe it - but this is something he has to do, like a nervous tic. It can work my last nerve at times. If I had to deal with that Monday through Friday, I'd go bonkers.

I wish I were more like my mom, who has such a calm nature. But at age 50, I have given up expecting I will change my inherent self.

That's why I disagree so much with fundie points of view -- because they think one size should fit all, and that's not realistic. Some people are natural teachers, or very organized, or very happy managing a household full of kids and their activities. But then there are moms like me, who love being a mom, but accept that I'd be a terrible teacher for my son, too often impatient or frustrated.

[TrueRebel1]

Here's how I've seen most fundie homeschooling moms of many kids do it:

1) They don't do it all. The house is a disaster, the kids are disheveled, meals are unsanitary, and schooling is a joke.

2) They "simplify". Some of this makes sense: less clutter is less mess; less activities outside the home is more time to accomplish things at home; etc. Some of this is overboard and I think ends in neglect. (Such as little schooling, inadequate # of meals, no interaction with friends, etc).

3) They struggle to get through life until the older kids reach 8-10 years old, then put them to work as little moms/housekeepers.

4) They mooch off of unmarried sisters or friends, getting free housecleaning, meals and babysitting.

5) They are highly motivated and organized people (usually with a fat income), and really do, for the most part, get it all done.

There's my 2 cents! :)

[AmyP]

Kudos to TVR and other wonderfully organized SAH moms who can handle the juggling act with grace :)

I definitely agree with this sentiment. I love my son unconditionally and more than anyone or anything else in this world. But I do not have the temperament to be at home all day with him, day after day. We do mostly fine on the week-ends, but he has to constantly be juggling things, or tossing a ball, or swinging something back and forth around his fingers, etc. I don't know how to describe it - but this is something he has to do, like a nervous tic. It can work my last nerve at times. If I had to deal with that Monday through Friday, I'd go bonkers.

I wish I were more like my mom, who has such a calm nature. But at age 50, I have given up expecting I will change my inherent self.

That's why I disagree so much with fundie points of view -- because they think one size should fit all, and that's not realistic. Some people are natural teachers, or very organized, or very happy managing a household full of kids and their activities. But then there are moms like me, who love being a mom, but accept that I'd be a terrible teacher for my son, too often impatient or frustrated.

Certainly some people are more naturally suited to staying at home with small children. However, nothing about the well ordered world of adults teaches you the coping skills you need to spend all day with a small active child. I worked for a while before I stayed home with my children and the first year that I was home I had to get a part time job just to keep from loosing my mind. I would count down the hours until I could go back to my job. I wasn't that I didn't love my daughter, I really did. But I had spent almost a decade working in a professional job. I could run meetings, manage people, build spreadsheets, juggle tasks, but I was used to external structure and adult interaction. None of those skills helped me spend each day, all day, building blocks and pushing swings! Now I stay at home and homeschool. My children are with me all the time. Two things happened to change my situation- I learned a different set of skills that allowed me to first cope, and finally enjoy time with my child. And, I had another child. Two kids are easier than one because they can play together.