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SAHDS... What Happens When the Parents Die?


luv2laugh

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In fundie families, what happens when a daughter gets old and never marries and her parents die? What happens to her? Where does she go? I've always wondered this!

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Best guess? Oldest married son. So in the Duggar clan, if Jill is the designated old maid, once Boob and Mullet kick the bucket, if Smuggar is still alive (at the rate he's going, his parents will certainly outlive him), she and any other single Duggerettes would be under his "umbrella of protection" to use official Gothardite terminology.

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Never happens. Fundie-world is an eternal utopia, of course. if you're a good daughter, you will have good parents who will live at least until you get married! :-P

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Considering that nearly all of the families with SAHDs discussed here are first-generation patriarchalists, I don't think even they know. I honestly don't think very many of them have thought it through. And if they have thought about that possibility, they've handwaved it away, claiming it's God's purpose and he will provide.

Plus, the Quiverfullers and patriarchalists are, for the most part, still too young for that to be a pressing concern. It's going to get really interesting in another decade, when the Botkin sisters, most of the Duggar girls, and poor Sarah Maxwell will be part of the first generation of old-maid SAHDs, thanks to their parents.

And it's hard to say what will happen to these young women in the future because their position is a relatively new one, historically. In the past, the only women who spent their entire lives under their parents' roofs, never took any sort of work outside the home, or never ran a substantial business from their home were from privileged classes. If they lost both parents and all financial security, being a seamstress or taking care of other people's children were among the only "respectable" forms of employment open to them. Nearly all young, single, working-class and rural women worked, and many of them left home to do it. So there really aren't any models for how SAHDs might navigate losing their parents and having to adjust to a life of providing for themselves, unless you look at divorced housewives in the '70s and '80s who had to enter the job market for the first time after 15-20 or more years of being a SAHM. And, having watched my mom go through that, it's not a position I'd wish on a daughter of mine.

So if these SAHDs have siblings--preferably brothers--who have married, they would probably have to go live with them. If their siblings were unable or unwilling to take them in--or had left their parents' religion behind and were therefore "unsuitable" for headship over their sister? Who knows? In less strict families, I could see the parents leaving the family home and some money to the unmarried daughter, so she'd have a place to live and the means to pay the bills. But not these families.

As I said, it's going to be very interesting to see how the lives of so many of the SAHD bloggers we snark here turn out in about 10-15 years.

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Best guess? Oldest married son
.

So for instance,LiaS had 7 daughters before she had her first son.So if the eldest girl, who is 18 now, never marries she has to be be under the the eventual protection and presumably authority of a 13 years younger brother she used to change and bathe? Awkward is not the word.

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Although it wasn't always called SAHD, it's nothing new. This has always been going on. It just never had a name attached to it.

Many moons ago, when AOL was born, I got a computer with internet and went into a Christian chat room. Chat rooms were a cool thing back in the day. I met one woman who was as fundie as it gets. Long hair, dresses only, homeschooled. She was an only child. Her mother could not conceive, but did so late in life and this woman was the only child her mother had. She was a sweet person who never lost her temper. We were total opposites, but I took to her for some reason. She was a clone of a Maxwell daughter. Very sweet, and very Stepford-esque. Her father controlled every aspect of her life. He did not know what she did on the computer though, because he was older and went to bed early. She would go in the chat room after he went to bed. This woman went to a very small church and there were no single men there for her. Her entire life was groomed to be a wife and mother and it was all she knew. It was very hard to find a man, because there just weren't any single men in their circle.

I didn't stay in the chat room for long but I did keep in touch with her in emails and instant messages. We kept in touch for years, although we didn't really have anything in common. I really did care for her though. She was like a child, but she was a woman. Hard to explain, but I saw her as a poor kid in a bad home life. I tried many times to get her to make a life for herself, but she was filled with fear. One time I remember asking her what she was going to do if her parents passed away, seeing as how they were getting older. She said "I don't know. I worry about that all the time." I still remember her response to this day.

When she sent out cutesy emails, she would have a couple of other people on her email list too. One person was her cousin. Her cousin was a fundie too. Her cousin had kids, and this woman would go over to her cousin's house and be a mother's helper. Other than this woman's pets, those kids were the only enjoyment this woman had in life. One day, this woman's cousin sent me an email. She wanted to let me know that this woman died. She killed herself. She was 34 years old.

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God, that is one sad story...I'm glad you heard what happened to her at the end, makes this example all the more gripping, and what NOT to wind up like. I might have related earlier, but back in the early 90's, I started writing to female pen pals listed in the back pages of various home-oriented magazines, Quilter's Digest, etc. I started getting letters from what appeared to be SAHD, many of them in their 20s - 30s, still living at home, no plans to leave, and always "helping out the foks", etc. No children, either, just overgrown adult women with no real plans to do anything more than what they were doing on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I'd envy them for having such a carefree (as compared to a divorced mother raising two kids) life, but since I'd heard of the fundie/QF movement, I'm sure many of them were that thereof. (Shudder)

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theologygeek, what a sad story. Your friend sounds like a wonderful person who deserved much better.

As for what will happen to these sahds...who knows? I'm just glad I'm not one of them. I bet a lot of parents will see where things are headed and god will suddenly reveal that these daughters need to get out in the workforce.

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I don't think the parents of SAHDs would consider getting the SAHD into the workforce. The idea is to keep the daughters dependent so I would think that the SAHD of deceased parents would go to the oldest like-minded brother or other male relative.

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Hundred's of years ago, those of a wealther status went to the Nunnary. Often the "lower level" of the "wealther" class could only afford the dowery for one daughter, so the rest would become Nuns. (A "dowery" had to be paid to enter the Nunnary, but it was not near as much as what was expected for marriage.) The poor/working class women went to work in a factory, as a maid, etc. when they were very young.

Some women who were educated or had a talent, might be employed as a Governess.

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I've wondered about this for the seven sisters. Not only how they would function after the death of their father, but how will the family survive when dad reaches retirement age. How is a family that isn't rich going to support multiple SAHDs on one retirement income. They would have to sell A LOT of crafts on etsy.

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God, that is one sad story...I'm glad you heard what happened to her at the end, makes this example all the more gripping, and what NOT to wind up like. I might have related earlier, but back in the early 90's, I started writing to female pen pals listed in the back pages of various home-oriented magazines, Quilter's Digest, etc. I started getting letters from what appeared to be SAHD, many of them in their 20s - 30s, still living at home, no plans to leave, and always "helping out the foks", etc. No children, either, just overgrown adult women with no real plans to do anything more than what they were doing on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I'd envy them for having such a carefree (as compared to a divorced mother raising two kids) life, but since I'd heard of the fundie/QF movement, I'm sure many of them were that thereof. (Shudder)

She told me a story once about when she was in her late teens and a boy took an interest in her. She started to like him too. They were in a big church at that time and she had met him there. Her parents did not know that she liked the boy because she knew that her father would not approve. She developed an attitude with her parents. Her father beat her. She fessed up about the boy and thought that she was rebellious and deserved to be beat. Her father changed churches to a smaller one and declared that youth groups were bad. It must be common in fundieland to keep making their circle smaller and smaller until there is no one left in it but their family and people who think exactly like their father does. These fathers are like dictators and the families are like little cults. The kids' brains are played with so much that they become robotic in their thinking. Kids like the Duggars and the Maxwells have no idea that their fathers are crazy.

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theologygeek, what a sad story. Your friend sounds like a wonderful person who deserved much better.

As for what will happen to these sahds...who knows? I'm just glad I'm not one of them. I bet a lot of parents will see where things are headed and god will suddenly reveal that these daughters need to get out in the workforce.

I should have done more to help her. But I was busy with work, kids, and life. I didn't do enough. Maybe she would still be alive if I tried harder to help her.

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Although it wasn't always called SAHD, it's nothing new. This has always been going on. It just never had a name attached to it.

Many moons ago, when AOL was born, I got a computer with internet and went into a Christian chat room. Chat rooms were a cool thing back in the day. I met one woman who was as fundie as it gets. Long hair, dresses only, homeschooled. She was an only child. Her mother could not conceive, but did so late in life and this woman was the only child her mother had. She was a sweet person who never lost her temper. We were total opposites, but I took to her for some reason. She was a clone of a Maxwell daughter. Very sweet, and very Stepford-esque. Her father controlled every aspect of her life. He did not know what she did on the computer though, because he was older and went to bed early. She would go in the chat room after he went to bed. This woman went to a very small church and there were no single men there for her. Her entire life was groomed to be a wife and mother and it was all she knew. It was very hard to find a man, because there just weren't any single men in their circle.

I didn't stay in the chat room for long but I did keep in touch with her in emails and instant messages. We kept in touch for years, although we didn't really have anything in common. I really did care for her though. She was like a child, but she was a woman. Hard to explain, but I saw her as a poor kid in a bad home life. I tried many times to get her to make a life for herself, but she was filled with fear. One time I remember asking her what she was going to do if her parents passed away, seeing as how they were getting older. She said "I don't know. I worry about that all the time." I still remember her response to this day.

When she sent out cutesy emails, she would have a couple of other people on her email list too. One person was her cousin. Her cousin was a fundie too. Her cousin had kids, and this woman would go over to her cousin's house and be a mother's helper. Other than this woman's pets, those kids were the only enjoyment this woman had in life. One day, this woman's cousin sent me an email. She wanted to let me know that this woman died. She killed herself. She was 34 years old.

There is something kind of sick about making an example of someone's terrible experiences, but this story should be known by every asshat like Steve Maxwell and all the SAHDs like the Botkins and Sara Maxwell. THIS is what happens when you control your daughter's life to sick levels. THIS is what happens when people are not allowed to live their own lives - experience their own life, meet people, make decisions, choose - it is heartbreaking and makes me nauseous.

I am so sorry for your friend, her cousin and you. That is one of the most terrible things I've ever heard. Seriously.

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There is something kind of sick about making an example of someone's terrible experiences, but this story should be known by every asshat like Steve Maxwell and all the SAHDs like the Botkins and Sara Maxwell. THIS is what happens when you control your daughter's life to sick levels. THIS is what happens when people are not allowed to live their own lives - experience their own life, meet people, make decisions, choose - it is heartbreaking and makes me nauseous.

I am so sorry for your friend, her cousin and you. That is one of the most terrible things I've ever heard. Seriously.

Sometimes I wonder if she was put in my life because I was supposed to help her. But I fucked it up.

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Sometimes I wonder if she was put in my life because I was supposed to help her. But I fucked it up.

How did you fuck up? Did you know the true extent of her pain? Did she tell you what she was thinking of doing and you stood aside and let her? Didn't you have a new family and responsibilities of your own? When tragedy happens, we all wish we could have done something/done more; we all wish we would have known/seen. But the fact is, you knew this woman through a chat room and email. You didn't see her every day, you didn't interact with her in her life, you didn't KNOW. Even if you suspected things weren't right, there is no doubt you didn't have a clue the extent of her pain. Give yourself a break. There was, more than likely, nothing you could have done; no more than you could have caused her to do what she did.

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How did you fuck up? Did you know the true extent of her pain? Did she tell you what she was thinking of doing and you stood aside and let her? Didn't you have a new family and responsibilities of your own? When tragedy happens, we all wish we could have done something/done more; we all wish we would have known/seen. But the fact is, you knew this woman through a chat room and email. You didn't see her every day, you didn't interact with her in her life, you didn't KNOW. Even if you suspected things weren't right, there is no doubt you didn't have a clue the extent of her pain. Give yourself a break. There was, more than likely, nothing you could have done; no more than you could have caused her to do what she did.

I guess you're right. I just don't know. I have guilt.

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theologygeek, that is very tragic, but don't be harsh on yourself. This woman also had a cousin who loved her, and some other friends. She may not have had the strength to break away from a bad situation; but you are not the only person who was aware of her situation; and there were certainly others who knew far more than you did and were in a better position to help. You were good to be a friend to her all those years; it probably brought her a great deal of joy to know you.

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In fundie families, what happens when a daughter gets old and never marries and her parents die? What happens to her? Where does she go? I've always wondered this!

It depends on the family and how vested they are in the ATI/QF community. If they're as famous or vested as the Duggars, then the broader ATI community would find someone like Gil Bates or Clark Wilson and appoint them in a headship role for the family. It's possible, even, that John David or Josh would be tapped. That patriarch would help Michelle tke care of financial decisons and spiritually guide them until a more permanent plan was arranged.

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It depends on the family and how vested they are in the ATI/QF community. If they're as famous or vested as the Duggars, then the broader ATI community would find someone like Gil Bates or Clark Wilson and appoint them in a headship role for the family. It's possible, even, that John David or Josh would be tapped. That patriarch would help Michelle tke care of financial decisons and spiritually guide them until a more permanent plan was arranged.

What kind of permanent plan? Would she be allowed to live on her own?

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. . . so, what, since this isn't 1950 and so women sign things in their own names, whoever is assigned as interim headship for a married woman with no grown male relatives will tell the woman what to do with her husband's assets and she'll do it? That's . . . wow. I guess that's an opportunity right there for somebody.

I used to work for a financial planner. His advice to wives without an income married to business owners: Get your husband in here and get a life insurance policy for him with you as the beneficiary. When business owners pass away, the vultures come flapping around, offering 10 cents on the dollar to the surviving spouse while the shock of loss is still messing with their thought processes. With a life insurance policy in hand, the widow can say to the vultures, "Thanks anyway, but my husband's debts are not a concern. I can cover it."

As for SAHDs assigned to somebody or other: So, what, she'll just . . . go? Just obey? I guess, with no marketable skills (except the ones she was allowed to cultivate for the use of her patriarch) and no contact outside the belief system, she's stuck.

Do these poor girls and women even have bank accounts?

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My guess is that the SAHD takes care of her parents as they grow elderly, then when they die she's passed on to whichever one of her siblings has the largest group of young kids, so that she can continue being a doormat for the next generation.

Because obviously her role is to serve others, and given that she has no way to make a living (unless she wanted to serve others in a professional setting, but without any kind of education or training she wouldn't get very far with that anyway, I warrant), what else could she do?

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When asked, we've always gotten the answer that either a sibling or the church body would take care of them (as they would widows and orphans). I'm not sure how this would work in practice, but it's possible they would work in a governess-type role for a church family, or as a church secretary or pianist or something. There's no need to think about the specifics, really, because God would provide if something like that happened.

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