How to not be lonely: brainwash your daughters

[meda]

Another gem from Bambi at In the cradle of the Nation

.amothersheritage.com/2012/01/03/are-you-lonely/#

Basically if a woman feels lonely and isolated as a rigid fundamentalist SAHM, then she should just wait until her daughters are old enough to do the chores and drink the kool-aid, and then she'll have the company of like minded women! Way to make parenting all about you lady. :roll:

[Deleted07]

I am close to my Mom, but I would find it weird if she thought I was her only and closest companion, especially at age 15 or 16!

Women need friends that are their age and are going through what they are going through! This is just bizarre!

[Witsec7]

My DD was over for dinner last night. She's a great companion, we have wonderful adventures. But, I would think I had failed as a mother if she were living at home caring for me at the age of 26. And to have her company in lieu of us having our own well rounded circles of friends would be very sad for both of us.

[fundiefan]

Alternate title: How to make sure your daughter's life is even more miserable than your own.

[emmyfair]

My Mother has often called me her lifelong therapist. The things she told me when I was little were not for a child's ears, many of them haunted me and warped my ideas as a teen. I needed therapy meself in my twenties to overcome some of the results of my Mom talking to me instead of a woman friend.

I don't fault my Mom for this - she struggled with depression, a personality disorder, and a nasty divorce. It's taken me years to unlearn her mentally ill behavior patterns, and I am in some ways still working on this, especially in my marriage. It breaks my heart to hear of these fundie women bringing up daughters to be everything they refuse to seek, simply because it's found outside the home. How shameful of them, really. Daughters are their own people, not an extension of their mothers.

[Daenerys]

I think this is the philosophy of the Seven Sisters' mother...

[Guest Anonymous]

Alternate title: How to make sure your daughter's life is even more miserable than your own.

Or another one: "If I Have To Suffer, You've Gotta Suffer".

[ilovetchotchkes]

My grandmother was like this with my mother. They weren't fundies, but insanely strict, basically wanted my mother to become a nun or marry a blue collar guy (nothing wrong with that!!!) who would suck up to my grandfather (but plenty wrong with this!) and they'd all live in my grandparent's house. They flipped out when she met my father a TEACHER who was "too academic" and had NO desire to live perpetually with his inlaws.

My mother despite 20+ years of therapy STILL has issues to this day over all of this.

Your children are not your best friends or your therapist. Period.

Edited for riffles. I can't brain today i haz teh dumb.

[AnnieC 305]

My Mother has often called me her lifelong therapist. The things she told me when I was little were not for a child's ears, many of them haunted me and warped my ideas as a teen. I needed therapy meself in my twenties to overcome some of the results of my Mom talking to me instead of a woman friend.

I don't fault my Mom for this - she struggled with depression, a personality disorder, and a nasty divorce. It's taken me years to unlearn her mentally ill behavior patterns, and I am in some ways still working on this, especially in my marriage. It breaks my heart to hear of these fundie women bringing up daughters to be everything they refuse to seek, simply because it's found outside the home. How shameful of them, really. Daughters are their own people, not an extension of their mothers.

Amen, sister!

[Witsec7]

My grandmother was like this with my mother. They weren't fundies, but insanely strict, basically wanted my mother to become a nun or marry a blue collar guy (nothing wrong with that!!!) who would suck up to my grandfather (but plenty wrong with this!) and they'd all live in my grandparent's house. They flipped out when she met my father a TEACHER who was "too academic" and had NO desire to live perpetually with his inlaws.

My mother despite 20+ years of therapy STILL has issues to this day over all of this.

Your children are not your best friends or your therapist. Period.

Edited for riffles. I can't brain today i haz teh dumb.

LoL I was responding to the unedited version. I'm good with this one :D

I've got to say as a single parent coming home to an only child after work it was difficult in not being able to share some stuff. To have my filters on, because she was my child. I was lucky that through some very difficult periods I was able maintain a level of control and some empathetic friends who could hear the adult stuff I couldn't share with my child.

[alba]

Utter tripe.

She will have enough “home grown†feminism to battle in her own heart without being encouraged in it by the world.

Uh, maybe she has feminism 'in her own heart' because feminism has a point?

Remember that who she is at five, she will be at fifteen.

Er, no. It's called 'growing up'. At five I wanted to be a fairytale princess and was allergic to trousers. At fifteen I was a tomboy feminist who thought dresses and make up were stupid. At 21 I'm somewhere in between, in that I'm as much of a feminist as ever but less rebellious and more accepting of femininity. Children change as they grow up, it's what growing up *is*.

ETA: I couldn't help myself, I followed the link to her article about the 'lies' of feminism, and I had to respond. I tried very hard to be polite. I wonder if she'll approve my comment:

Erm, you might want to have another look at what feminism is. It's not about telling women what to do; quite the opposite, in fact. Feminism is about giving women the choice to become whom they want to be, and being a SAHM is as valid a choice as any other within feminism. No one expects all men to have the same career, so why should all women have the same one? Why should women be treated as less intelligent and inferior to men by virtue of their sex? If you believe this is not the case, and that women are men's equals, then you have benefited from feminism, whether you like it or not.

Feminism is also about acknowledging traditional 'women's work' as valid and important. Furthermore, most feminists explicitly reject the idea that we should strive for a 'perfect' figure as a harmful and sexist notion that objectifies women and reduces them to their value to men. 'The world' that tells you to wear beautiful clothes and have the body of a 21-year-old is not feminist, it's misogynist.

[Peas n carrots]

Utter tripe.

Uh, maybe she has feminism 'in her own heart' because feminism has a point?

Er, no. It's called 'growing up'. At five I wanted to be a fairytale princess and was allergic to trousers. At fifteen I was a tomboy feminist who thought dresses and make up were stupid. At 21 I'm somewhere in between, in that I'm as much of a feminist as ever but less rebellious and more accepting of femininity. Children change as they grow up, it's what growing up *is*.

ETA: I couldn't help myself, I followed the link to her article about the 'lies' of feminism, and I had to respond. I tried very hard to be polite. I wonder if she'll approve my comment:

That is a great way of putting it alba. I remember reading on Jezebel a while back how the SAHM and SAHD are unaware of how much they are benefitting from feminism. They say time and time again they choose to stay at home. You go back a century, there would have been no choosing to stay at home (and to be honest, even in those days many women still worked, whether it be piecework at home or on the farm).

[Peas n carrots]

Amen, sister!

I too had a mother who told me things at a very young age that no one should ever, under most circumstances, tell their children. I've had to work very hard to learn how to live life with my mom and love her as much as I can, because she will never change nor does she want to change.

[alba]

That is a great way of putting it alba. I remember reading on Jezebel a while back how the SAHM and SAHD are unaware of how much they are benefitting from feminism. They say time and time again they choose to stay at home. You go back a century, there would have been no choosing to stay at home (and to be honest, even in those days many women still worked, whether it be piecework at home or on the farm).

Why thank you. Unfortunately, she's not approved it but she has made a blog post, so I'm inclined to believe that she doesn't want to approve it because it contradicts her.

[Abby_B]

Oh, she sounds so weird. As I started reading I began to wonder if it was a pro-polygamy FLDS article. I know it's not but it sure comes across that way. Especially where she says,

"Now there are two women who live with me who share my love for home.... Now two other women live with me who believe as I do, that children are a blessing and a reward that God has graciously and undeservedly granted to me. They understand that a woman’s influence over a child is immeasurable. They are always available to encourage and pray for me. These two other women share my day to day workload of housework and child training. They even sing as they work and many times do a better job at tasks than I do."

[So Many Lies]

I too had a mother who told me things at a very young age that no one should ever, under most circumstances, tell their children. I've had to work very hard to learn how to live life with my mom and love her as much as I can, because she will never change nor does she want to change.

Hmmm that is very interesting. I never once thought of it.

It is not good to bring someone up as a best friend or mini me or as with mine a vehicle for all your dashed hopes and dreams.

I do not have a good relationship with my mother - still inappropriately tells me what to do all the time and has no compassion/empathy for me whatsoever. She doesn't want to change either. I kind of hold her at arm's length. I view it as her loss these days whereas before it used to depress me.

[Vex]

"Remember that who she is at five, she will be at fifteen."

What?! I can't believe this woman has had any contact with children at all if she believes that!

I also really hate it when women rely on their daughters to be their best friends. I think it's lovely when daughters grow up and become close to their mothers (or grow up that close to them, but I think that's much rarer), as long as both have a healthy relationship and friendships outside of the mother/daughter relationship. However, when a parent makes their child into a best friend figure because they have no friends of their own, I think it's really unhealthy and selfish. This woman is selfish to believe her girls are there to give her like-minded friends.

This is pretty OT, but there's a TV show called Dance Moms that I've been watching. There is a woman called Christi who has a daughter called Chloe who she is desperate to be best friends with. I believe Chloe is either 8 or 10 (I can't remember her exact age), but her mother is constantly heaping issues on her that aren't appropriate. She believes that one of the other girls in her daughter's dance class is the teacher's pet (which is true), but rather than just encouraging her daughter and taking up the issue privately with the instructor, she screams at the instructor in front of Chloe, gets all emotional, cries to Chloe about how it's not fair that she dances so many hours and how she's always coming in second to the other girl (who Chloe is actually very friendly with). Christi had a terrible relationship with her mother (surprise, surprise) and wants to be BFFs with her daughter. Poor Chloe is having her self worth undermined by her mother and talks about how she has to be strong for her. Not cool.