My Diary to My Future Husband <3

[Hestia]

While unpacking the boxes from my latest move, I found all the diaries I kept when I was in my fundy years. This is the one that I wrote at 14. I thought you all might enjoy snarking on my younger fundy self. I certainly do. For the record, I am now a ebil feminist agnostic university student who is living in sin with a wonderful man, a far cry from the brainwashed girl I was in days past!

And now without further ado

_____________________________

My Diary to My futre Husband (all misspellings in the original text)

Dear Husband,

today was my last ballet concert. I am to old to dance casually now. Mum and dad say a leotard is too revealing on my body. When I danced I wished I could have kept going forever, the music was so flowing and the steps came so naturally. But I couldn't. Everybody danced well. I Particlalrly enjoyed my wicked queen dance. All that Dramatic FLAIR! It feels so sad that I have danced my last, the music hurts me, but I love it. But there seemed something so final in my last dance. However, maybe God will use my love for music, and the feeling of dancing to it, for good. Only He knows.

I will pray for you every day.

Love,

Your future wife

xxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Darling

I wonder how you are today, I wonder if I know you, I wonder where you are right now, I wonder if I will see a glimpse of you today, but who knows. I am hopefully going to buy a pretty jewelery box today, I have seen one I particularly like. It has a big shiny crystal in the middle, and some red jewels in on the abstract pattern around it. But only God knows if I will buy it.

I can't wait until my bridesmaids dress gets here! I MUST exercise!

Love,

Your beloved xoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear darling

What a glorious sunset! I wonder if you are looking at it this evening as well as I? Isn't God GREAT!!!! I found this amazing website on the internet. Dad basically agreed with every word that he read. I (God willing) am going to email the creators of it tomorrow and tell them a little of the stuff my family and I are going through.

I wonder what you are going through now sweetheart. I love you very much already. Don't get the wrong idea, I haven't imagined a fantastic hero or anything. I guess what I'm saying is that I can't wait to get to know you. And if I am able (no one forcing me) I will not kiss a boy or man (with the exclusion of relatives over 25 or so) until I kiss you on our wedding day.

What a great day it will be!

Love,

Your future wife

TBC!

[Hestia]

Dearest

It's going to be a busy day today! I'm going off to town and I have to finish a project I'm working on.

I wonder what your profession will be? I just want to be a wife and mother. But I suppose I will have to have a job until I can do that, since mum and dad can't afford to keep me past 18, unless I meet you when I am 18, which is what I would like. I hope and pray that I can bear a lot of children. A LOT of children. I'm sure you will love children as much as I will. And if something does come up (GOD FORBID) we can adopt.

I am listening to Die Fledermauss. I wonder if you will enjoy the same piece? Did you know that Strauss was Jewish? A lot of talented people are, whether they acknowledge it or not. I wonder if you will have jewish ancestors like me? That would be so cool if you did.

Love,

Your future wife

xoxooxoxoxoxoxo

Dearest,

What will our children be like? I can hardly imagine being parent, but if it's God's will I will be someday. We will be. I think if I had a girl I would call her Ruth Shalom and a boy David ------- it depends on your name :-) . But I will have time enough to think of that. What kind of subjects do you enjoy? Do you like history like me? Or prehaps maths and science are your preference? I suppose I will know when it is time for me to know! But I would give anything to know who you are, to know your name, and what colour your eyes are. To know what you do and what your passions are. But again, I must wait. Did ever time go more slowly or quickly than in early years of being a Young Lady?

Forever Yours

xxxxx

_____

(Note: as well as being garden variety fundies my parents were also 'messianic' and charasmatic. You may see the posts reflecting that a little)

[leena_noor]

I'm glad you got away from the crazy!! I also have journals like that. In fact, I have journals written to God....and when I was in Spain they were in half English/Spanish. I'm not sure I want to go back and read through a lot of those b/c man...I was super depressed a lot of the time.

Your baby names cracked me up. Wish you'd gotten to continue dance. What do you do now?

[Hestia]

Hey Leena, it used to be hard for me to read over them, but now that I can laugh over most of it (or cry when it is appropriate) it's more of a healing thing. But I do understand where you are coming from!

I'm getting my undergrad degree in english lit/creative writing and anthropology now, with a view to continue on to my masters! I like to think my writing style has improved a little since I was 14 :-P

[Mama Mia]

I have to say that the year I was 14 was one of the worst in my life ( and I am well into middle age )... I went through some really, truly, awful things that I wouldn't wish on an enemy - and my life experience at that time seems about a polar opposite from yours---

but the post about not being able to dance anymore because your parent's wouldn't let you wear a leotard made me really sad for you.

[Hestia]

Darling,

I haven't written to you in ages! It is positively inexcusable! Well summer has well and truly begun, how I love the summer months! Although I do find it hard to find things to wear, there are so few dresses and t shirts that Dad says are modest enough for me. But still I should not complain, it just shows how much he loves me <3.

I'm listening to a waltz by Borodin, it's such a romantic piece. Will you love music as much as me? I hope you will.

I suppose I must work in the garden today, although I do hate all the creepy crawly bugs! Aren't I a woose?? But really just thinking about all those bugs creeping about... eughhh!!

Do you know, I think people are more scared of things they can't see than things they can? Only a theory though.

Do you like walking through rose gardens? I adore it, especially in summer evenings. But maybe that's because I love the dusk. I love all other times of the day too but the dusk has to be my favourite.

Forever Yours,

xxoxoxoxo

Dearest,

What a corrupt world this is! It makes me so sad seeing all the people wandering around, not knowing how much they are hurting God. All the pagan christmas decorations are up. I'm so glad my family doesn't celebrate christmas. It's all so fake anyway, it's got nothing to do with anything in the bible!

I hope you don't celebrate christmas, although I will forgive you if you do

Love

Your furture wife xoxoxo

[WanderingStar]

Your diary entry about giving up dance made my heart ache. Seriously. :( Thank you for giving us a glimpse at what your life was like before you escaped.

[ilovetchotchkes]

Your diary entry about giving up dance made my heart ache. Seriously. :( Thank you for giving us a glimpse at what your life was like before you escaped.

This. Oh hon, i'm so sorry. I'm so glad you got out.

[Hestia]

Thank you Mrs S, WanderingStar and ilovechotkes. To me that was a minor part of the damage my upbringing caused, although it hurt nontheless. This next part is a harder part for me to write!

____

Dearest

Last night I cried to God like I have never done before. While I am baring my soul I must confess 4 other things. They are not good my love, I pray for your forgiveness. I will start from the beginning. This is very very very hard for me to write. But I am telling you this so you know the real me. When I was twelve, I started to (word blurred from tear smudges) and masturbate. I won't go into the details but I have only just recently quit. My second thing is that I have read about 12 mills and boon books. I think they aided my imaginiation. I know it was very wicked of me but I stole them from the second hand shop. I would have purchased them but I was being evil and could not have my mum see me buying the filth. I saved up my pocket money and left it on the counter the next month, but I stole what is basically porn! I am so wicked.

The third thing is that I have had crushes on two boys. I will not name them but I am deeply ashamed. I want to give you my whole heart but I keep falling into pitfalls. I feel so bad that I can't! But I want you to know that my first kiss is reserved for you. At least I have not fallen that far.

The fourth thing is that...sometimes, when I used to...masturbate, I would think about girls. I can only think that some demon has been attacking me, and I have resolved to talk to mum and dad and ask them to exorcize me. I pray that I have the courage to do so.

Dearest, I am saying all this because I know you must be having has hard a time as I, you mistakes (if you make any) will probably be different from mine, but that does not make them any worse. I know men have even more trouble with their Desires. And it seems appropriate to include here that I have never to my knowledge dressed to attract a mans attnetion in a way that is not godly. If possible Dad always checks what I wear. It's safest that way.

Beloved I am so so unspeakbly sorry for the wrongs I've done you. I will try very hard not to repeat them. you will always have my deepest affection and my first True Love. I pray God will keep you safe and your way pure.

I love you. I'm sorry.

xoxoxoxo

[phoenissadido]

Oh gosh, I feel for you. I hope your life only got better from then on.

[jaynie]

I find it so heartbreaking that kids are taught these perfectly normal experiences are evil and sinful, and especially that they're hurting someone they've never even met. I'm glad you got out of that!

[Sky_Diamond]

Although the diaries are depressing, they show that you are a good writer. I'm really glad you got away and are fulfilling your potential. Good luck with university and your future. BTW what do your parents think of your writing talent, I hope they see it as your God-given gift?

edited for missing word and a second thought

edited again as this post made me one of the duggar's staple foods :D

[debrand]

Although the diaries are depressing, they show that you are a good writer. I'm really glad you got and are fulfilling your potential. Good luck with university and your future.

I was thinking the same thing. The writing is not as bad as many of the fundie blogs. You aren't overly wordy or flowery. It made me sad that you had so much guilt about insignificant things like masturbation. The post about giving up dancing broke my heart.

I've thrown away a diary that I kept at fourteen. For some weird reason, I was really into Lords of the Ring. So, I have posts about elves. :oops:

[Bella99]

I'm sorry your parents made you give up something you loved and feel ashamed for being human. Remember, there are plenty of adult classes and it is never too late to dance!

[CynicMom]

What are 12 mills and boon books? Is it like a romance novel or a teen magazine?

[WanderingStar]

What are 12 mills and boon books? Is it like a romance novel or a teen magazine?

I looked it up out of curiosity, Mills & Boon is a UK-based publisher of romance and erotica novels--so yeah, for a fundie, that pretty much is porn and the closest some of the slightly more liberal ones will get to the actual stuff.

[alba]

And if I am able (no one forcing me) I will not kiss a boy or man (with the exclusion of relatives over 25 or so) until I kiss you on our wedding day.

Wait, does this mean you didn't kiss baby boy cousins? :P

I hope you've started dancing again!

I've thrown away a diary that I kept at fourteen. For some weird reason, I was really into Lords of the Ring. So, I have posts about elves. :oops:

Isn't everyone really into LotR at 14? My diary at that age was in the Tengwar alphabet so no one could read it!

What are 12 mills and boon books? Is it like a romance novel or a teen magazine?

Mills and Boon is like the British equivalent of Harlequin romance books: formulaic, pretty explicit, romance stories.

[browngrl]

I've got no snark for you. It is a brave thing ( :clap: ) to post journal entries. I am glad you are in a good place now and I hope you can dance now.

[simplysweet]

Brava for the bravery in posting these! I am so glad that you got out and are able to at least see some humor in 14 year old you - I could never post 14yo Simplysweets's thoughts........

I echo the others! I hope you are dancing!!!!!

[Daenerys]

I looked it up out of curiosity, Mills & Boon is a UK-based publisher of romance and erotica novels--so yeah, for a fundie, that pretty much is porn and the closest some of the slightly more liberal ones will get to the actual stuff.

They're not really porn at all, just silly low-brow romance stories with sex scenes (but not graphically described). My grandmother used to read them when her children were around and could have picked them up.

[WanderingStar]

They're not really porn at all, just silly low-brow romance stories with sex scenes (but not graphically described). My grandmother used to read them when her children were around and could have picked them up.

I know. But to the fundie mind, that's porn. Sinful stuff that you don't need to be looking at :hand: Better put it down right away!

Anyway, Hestia, I'm not pressuring you to post any more entries, but...are there? I think anyone trapped in a similar life that's lurking here can learn something from your entries if they haven't been suppressed enough already. Then again, I always have liked reading any kind of story written diary-style, whether it's based on true events or not. I secretly still love to read series meant for younger readers like Dear America that are written in a similar format.

[genericJname]

The confession one made me very sad.

[AnnoDomini]

Oh Hestia, my heart goes out to you.

[Lostie]

Anyway, Hestia, I'm not pressuring you to post any more entries, but...are there? I think anyone trapped in a similar life that's lurking here can learn something from your entries if they haven't been suppressed enough already. Then again, I always have liked reading any kind of story written diary-style, whether it's based on true events or not. I secretly still love to read series meant for younger readers like Dear America that are written in a similar format.

Completely and totally agreed.

[Hestia]

You will have to forgive me everyone I'm still working out how to quote! I read here every day but I have only posted a few times.

Anyway, Hestia, I'm not pressuring you to post any more entries, but...are there? I think anyone trapped in a similar life that's lurking here can learn something from your entries if they haven't been suppressed enough already. Then again, I always have liked reading any kind of story written diary-style, whether it's based on true events or not. I secretly still love to read series meant for younger readers like Dear America that are written in a similar format.

Yes there are 12 diaries full! Some of them are not able to be written here, as they concern family members who are still back in that world, but I should be able to keep posting for a while yet if people are still interested :-P

To those who expressed sadness over my upbringing and hopes that I have a better life now, yes it was sad. But in a way I was a lucky one, my parents were very strict, but not as strict as my friends parents. Consquently I was able when the time came, to examine my thinking and belief system and depart from it! Although that in itself was not easy. I was lucky enough again to have the support of two counsellors, friends, and my wonderful partner in crime. My Aunty who comes from the non fundy side of the family is also supportive.

I never returned to dancing, but I did take up classical singing, which I enjoyed even more, and I still dance around the tiny little apartment when I have the energy! I have a very full life now, and healing is becoming an easier process.

SkyDiamond, my parents have actually always seen my writing as my God Given Gift tm :-p. My father always insinuated that maths and science was for teh menz, and my mother always said I was like her, loving words. I personally enjoy it so much I'm getting a freaking degree in it!

Now, on with the diary entries :-P

_____________________________________________________

Dear Darling

I talked to Mum and Dad last night, after I wrote to you. They prayed for the demon of masturbation and lust to leave me. I didn't feel anything, but I did cough, and Dad says sometimes that's all it takes. Isn't God good giving me such wonderful parents? Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder if I will be able to be as good a parents as them. I have a short temper, and sometimes I do not smile when I do my jobs, so perhaps I will have to get better at those things before God brings us together. I can't wait for that day!!!

Love

Your Future Wife

Beloved,

Isn't that a beautiful way of addressing someone? The lady at Shabbat group used to address her husband that way. I miss going to Shabbat group, we would spend so much time discusssing the Bible! Sometimes five or six hours would go by! It's so fascinating! I do hope you will like that I enjoy discussing things. I'm afraid enjoying a debate is in my blood...I will try not to contradict you in public or be too masculine in my speech. My friend Amy (names changed) gets told by her parents that she is too masculine. But I don't think that is true at all! She is very beautiful.

Love,

Your Future Wife