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Because life is a punny thing


MamaJunebug

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.

I just noticed contrary's avatar, which says,

I'd like to stay but I really

(picture of a moustache)

OK, this morning I thought about offering up a Biblical pun for fun. Thanks to contrary, I'm going to do it.

I think it works as a riddle.

Q. What do you call the guy who's married to a very petite woman named Faith?

A. "He of little Faith."

:lol:

:D

:P

That bad, huh? Anybody got any others???? :dance:

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Not Bible related, but I still love it:

Q: Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

A: Because every one kept telling him to "get along little dogie."

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OK, I will out myself as clueless, but I don't get the moustache thing.

i'd love to stay and chat, but i really MUST DASH (mustache).

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Did you know they had cars in the bible?

Yup, they all went in one accord.

Who was the longest man in the bible?

Joseph; he tied his ass to a tree and walked to Jerusalem

Who was the shortest man in the bible?

Knee-high-miah

bah-dum-dum.

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OK, never let it be said I can't laugh at myself ...

What is the difference between mass and weight?

Mass is where Catholics go on Sundays, weight is where sundaes go on Catholics ...

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When was baseball first mentioned in the Bible?

In the Big Inning (beginning)

When was tennis first mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.

When was smoking first mentioned in the Bible?

When Rebekah saw Isaac and lighted off her camel. (Gen. 24:64 KJV)

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For all the old-school Catholics out there, because you need to know a little Latin Mass for this one:

What's the Holy Ghost's phone number?

Et cum spiritu tuo. (Say it out loud.)

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not biblical, per se, but jokes i heard growing up episcopalian:

wherever there are four episcopalians, you can always find a fifth!

catholics go to hell for using birth control.

baptists go to hell for drinking alcohol.

episcopalians go to hell for using the wrong fork.

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How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

No-one knows, as soon as the light's turned on, they scatter.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw it in and two to share the experience.

How many patriarchs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but he just stands there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many patriarchs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. He makes his underlings do it.

How many Duggars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a while to film the episode about it.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, WE'RE SUING!!!

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OK, I will out myself as clueless, but I don't get the moustache thing.

I really moustache or must dash

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Well, if we are going to do Episcopalian jokes, here are a couple of Lutheran jokes, including a light bulb joke.

How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, Lutherans don't like change or

10, 1 to change the light bulb and 9 to discuss how much better the old light bulb was.

You know your a Lutheran if:

When someone mentions red and green (at Christmas) you think of the battle over the hymnals

The church is on fire, and you rush to save the coffee urn

YOu think that hotdish is a major food group.

you know what hotdish is.

you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)

they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.

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Ah, Lutheran jokes! A descendant of the great CFW Walther told me one that I get right about half the time I tell it. Here goes:

The Voters' meeting in the dark little church was in progress when Schmidt arrived. The congregation president announced the next item on the agenda: the proposed purchase of a new chandelier.

Schmidt leaped to his feet and shouted, "I'm against it! We don't have the money, nobody knows how to play the darned thing, and what this place really needs is more light!"

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Not puns, but the only jokes I can remember.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem".

Ole and Sven had been running a dray service for three decades

when their dray beast died and they had to bury him. They

decided to bury him on the riverbank where they'd always stopped

to eat their lunch. The Main Avenue bridge passed almost overhead.

While they were digging the grave, they remembered the good old

days, and funny incidents about the beast.

"Best donkey we ever had," mused Ole.

"Yeah, sure, you betcha," said Sven, "but he was a burro."

The argument heated up, and they came to blows, beating one

another with harness, tack, and shovels. Their pastor happened

across the bridge.

"Here now, then, what's the problem, boys?"

"Ole says old Jack, here, was a donkey," said Sven. "I say he

was a burro. Who's right?"

"Well," mused pastor Oleson, "the Bible always refers to that

beast as an 'ass'."

"Oh, yah," said Ole.

"Oh, yah," said Sven.

They returned to their digging. A bit later, Lars happened

across the bridge.

"Say, what you boys digging," he asked, "a foxhole?"

Ole looked up at him. "Not according to the Scriptures, it's not."

A lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down

with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all

alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture.

So, she held up a hand and yelled out, "ACTS 2:38 !!!"

The burglar suddenly quaked in fear and then froze with his hands in

the air. The woman quickly called 911 for the police. When the cops

arrived, the burglar was still frozen in place. The police were very

much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could so terrorize a

clearly hardened criminal.

One of them asked the lady, "How did you do that?"

The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."

Bewildered, the cop turned to the burglar. "What was it about the

scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she

said she had an axe and two .38's!"

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one

house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the

door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the

pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of

it, and stuck it in the door.

[Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at he door and knock. If anyone

hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine

with him and him with me.]

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.

Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

[Genesis 3:10: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid,

because I was naked; and I hid myself.]

I found this list awhile back;

THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

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For all the old-school Catholics out there, because you need to know a little Latin Mass for this one:

What's the Holy Ghost's phone number?

Et cum spiritu tuo. (Say it out loud.)

My fave!--and there's almost nobody around old enough to get it. "Et cum spiri-2-2-0!"

One from coffee hour yesterday at church:

How do you desecrate a synagogue? By stealing the Torah.

How do you desecrate a Roman Catholic church? By stealing the tabernacle.

How do you desecrate a UU church? By stealing the coffee maker.

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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and yelled "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said "There's so much to live for!"

He replied "No, there isn't. Life is pointless."

Quickly trying to find some common ground, I asked "Are you religious or atheist?"

He said "Religious."

I said "So am I! Are you Christian or Buddhist or something?"

He said "Christian."

I said "So am I! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said "Protestant."

I said "So am I! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said "Baptist."

I said "So am I! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said "Baptist Church of God."

I said "So am I! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said "Reformed Baptist Church of God."

I said "So am I! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915."

I said "Die heathen scum!" and pushed him off the bridge.

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A young parishioner was traveling across the country when his horse stepped in a hole, breaking its leg. He walked to the nearest farm and asked the farmer if he had any horses he could spare.

"I do have one you can buy. I got him from a pastor a while back."

He brought the horse out, and the parishioner looked it over.

"I'll take him."

As he mounted the horse to leave, the farmer took hold of the reins.

"To get him to go, you have to say 'praise the lord', and to get him to stop, you have to say 'amen'. Otherwise he won't budge."

The parishioner nodded and promptly said "praise the lord", and was off with a quick walk.

A short time later, a rabbit suddenly darted across their path and frightened the horse into a run. The parishioner yanked the reins and shouted "stop! halt! slow down!", but the horse didn't stop. Up ahead appeared a cliff, and they were headed straight to it! The parishioner racked his brain, finally shouting out "amen!"

The horse slid to a stop just at the edge of the cliff. The parishioner wiped his sweaty brow and bowed his head. "Praise the Lord!"

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You know you're a Mormon when:

You think women should stop having kids at 34 because 35 is just too many.

You can make jello salad without a recipe.

You drink caffinated coke from a brown paper bag. (You can have my Diet Coke when you pry it from my dead hands BTW).

You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.

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i'd love to stay and chat, but i really MUST DASH (mustache).

I spent a while frowning and trying to figure it out, myself, the other day. I pronounce it "moost-arsh" :)

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one

house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the

door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the

pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of

it, and stuck it in the door.

[Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at he door and knock. If anyone

hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine

with him and him with me.]

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.

Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

[Genesis 3:10: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid,

because I was naked; and I hid myself.]

Made me literally lol :D :lol:

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