Staying Pregnant Out of Obligation

[GeoBQn]

Blogger Abigail linked to this Catholic blogger.

shovedtothem.blogspot.com/2014/03/breaking-facade.html

She has seven children and has been pregnant 10 times in 17 years. Because she had a traumatic birth with her last child and various complications, she made the decision that she was done having kids and scheduled a hysterectomy. After scheduling it for June, she found out she was pregnant again.

She does not want to be pregnant again. She hates being pregnant. She appears to be depressed over this, spending lots of time either crying or fighting the urge to cry.

And the mask I wear in public is slipping as I struggle not to cry in front of people. And the mattress is growing a permanent dent from the place where I curl up under the blankets in pain and sadness. And I remind myself that a baby is coming and that babies are happy things...and I don't care. Because I'm numb to it all.

But she is continuing with the pregnancy because that's just what pro-lifers do.

I will spend the rest of this pregnancy fighting for the life of the baby that I never wanted to pregnant with.

And that's what it means to be Pro-Life.

Because sometimes Pro-Life means sobbing on your kitchen floor and begging God for the test to be wrong, and wishing with everything in you to be un-pregnant. It means crying yourself to sleep at night in fear and frustration...and anger. Goodness yes, the anger.

It means thinking about that tiny bubbly person growing and forming uninvited in my body...

Because sometimes God calls you on your beliefs and asks you to put your money where your mouth is, and that's when you find out what it is that you really believe.

Reading this made me incredibly sad. Nobody should feel pressure to get/stay pregnant or have children just to prove a point, or show how committed they are to ideology.

[lilith]

Blogger Abigail linked to this Catholic blogger.

shovedtothem.blogspot.com/2014/03/breaking-facade.html

She has seven children and has been pregnant 10 times in 17 years. Because she had a traumatic birth with her last child and various complications, she made the decision that she was done having kids and scheduled a hysterectomy. After scheduling it for June, she found out she was pregnant again.

She does not want to be pregnant again. She hates being pregnant. She appears to be depressed over this, spending lots of time either crying or fighting the urge to cry.

But she is continuing with the pregnancy because that's just what pro-lifers do.

Reading this made me incredibly sad. Nobody should feel pressure to get/stay pregnant or have children just to prove a point, or show how committed they are to ideology.

And no child should ever have to be born to a mother who clearly resents it. I hope said child never reads that blog.

I know it can be normal to have ambiguous or mixed feelings about a pregnancy and to fully enjoy and love the child - I got pregnant with my last child at just the wrong time and strongly considered abortion, and I love him to bits and couldn't imagine our family without him - but I would never tell him or his siblings that the overwhelming emotion I felt when I found out I was pregnant was fear, or that I wished and wished not to be pregnant.

[GeoBQn]

One commenter suggested that she take down the entry at some point so the child never sees it, but the blogger said that they tell their children everything. She told her eldest daughter that she got pregnant with her out of wedlock and people pressured her to have an abortion.

[Arete]

One commenter suggested that she take down the entry at some point so the child never sees it, but the blogger said that they tell their children everything. She told her eldest daughter that she got pregnant with her out of wedlock and people pressured her to have an abortion.

That is really selfish and despicable on both counts.

[Stephanie66]

The poor kid.

[DGayle]

This is better than the pro-life people who've never had their ideology challenged with a pregnancy they desperately wished wasn't happening. She's in that position now, and she's holding firm, even though she's going to be hearing from the fundies how she's wrong for not wanting this baby and hearing from pro-choice people that her life is sad, pathetic, and she should go against her beliefs and abort. I hope she's getting support from someone who won't judge her.

[guidedbybobafett]

This is dangerous ideology. While I'm somewhat sympathetic, she strikes me as the type to embrace zealotry regarding abortion. Sorry, but that's more concerning to me then someone being sad about a nuanced issue that they insist on believing is black and white.

[guidedbybobafett]

This is better than the pro-life people who've never had their ideology challenged with a pregnancy they desperately wished wasn't happening. She's in that position now, and she's holding firm, even though she's going to be hearing from the fundies how she's wrong for not wanting this baby and hearing from pro-choice people that her life is sad, pathetic, and she should go against her beliefs and abort. I hope she's getting support from someone who won't judge her.

Also, I would like to point out that most pro-choice people probably aren't concerned with whether or not this woman keeps her child. I'll go ahead and let you know that I have no opinion about her pregnancy one way or the other. The issue comes when this nonsense about being miserable but "holding strong" becomes the ideal for other women. What she CHOOSES to do with her own pregnancy is none of my business, but if I decide I would just rather not be sad that opinion is just as valid as hers.

[luv2run]

The ethics priest I spoke to said Catholics are under no moral obligation to keep having kids if they shouldn't. He stressed that several times. So, that theory doesn't go along with what she's saying.

He serves as an advisor for the US Council of Bishops on Catholic ethics as well.

[Arete]

I have no issue that she is upset about this unplanned pregnancy. My issue is her recording these feelings on a public blog she writes that her child will be able to access later. No one needs to hear how much they were not wanted and how their mother was curled up in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. Some things your children really don't need to know.

All the kid should ever hear is "You were unplanned but not unloved." The gory details of how she got from Point A to Point B can be nothing but hurtful to the child.

[Jane_Goth]

The poor woman sounds like she's suffering from depression, I hope she's seeing her doctor for help or is being advised to see a doctor.

However telling a child that they weren't wanted but mum didn't have an abortion because she didn't believe in a woman's right to choose is an incredibly bad idea. I knew a lad at Uni who's mum told him exactly that, he said he hated his mum for it for a very long time. Personally I think it's unforgivable.

[ILoveJellybeans]

She tells her kids everything :( Even that people thought it would be best if she aborted one of them? That when this kid is older they will know that their mother didn't want to be pregnant and was upset about it, and only kept them because she didn't want an abortion. Poor kids :( Theres some things kids shouldn't know

[slh12280]

Aww I feel so bad for her. Of course, I support her right to make her own decision and her decision is to keep the baby but I hope she isn't just doing it because she thinks she should. But I would also never tell anyone to go against their conscience. I hope she finds peace with her situation.

[debrand]

I have no issue that she is upset about this unplanned pregnancy. My issue is her recording these feelings on a public blog she writes that her child will be able to access later. No one needs to hear how much they were not wanted and how their mother was curled up in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. Some things your children really don't need to know.

All the kid should ever hear is "You were unplanned but not unloved." The gory details of how she got from Point A to Point B can be nothing but hurtful to the child.

We always told my youngest that she was our happy surprise baby. I can't imagine telling her anything else.

I have sympathy for the woman because she seems to be suffering from depression but I think that the point of her blog is to encourage(guilt) other women into continuing unwanted pregnancies. Hopefully, she gets help but her blog only makes me grateful that I believe in birth control

[uber frau]

I think this woman needs to see a shrink and get some treatment for depression. (I'm not saying her feelings are invalid, but she's certainly not functioning. ).

[fun2beme]

I read her entry as more of a call for help. She seems clinically depressed, overwhelmed, and not thinking clearly. Hate to say it, but it brought Andrea Yates to mind.

I wonder how much influence the husband had in the decision to keep the pregnancy? She scheduled a hysterectomy which is a no-no for Catholics, and admitted to considering abortion.

All in all, sad situation for the entire family.

[luv2run]

You can have a hysterectomy as a Catholic.

A tubal is not permissible.

Two of my friends have had them, and they were both for medical reasons brought on by pregnancies.

[docmom]

This is better than the pro-life people who've never had their ideology challenged with a pregnancy they desperately wished wasn't happening. She's in that position now, and she's holding firm, even though she's going to be hearing from the fundies how she's wrong for not wanting this baby and hearing from pro-choice people that her life is sad, pathetic, and she should go against her beliefs and abort. I hope she's getting support from someone who won't judge her.

I would hope this isn't true. After all, the point of being pro-choice is that the woman gets to choose what she does with her body. I also hope she's getting professional help as the outcome could be tragic.

[Peas n carrots]

At best, she has a martyr complex. At worst, she is clinically depressed. She needs help STAT.

What I got out of this is if she has an unwanted pregnancy and is miserable, every woman with an unwanted pregnancy should be too. Misery loves company...

[J'ean Skirt]

As someone who is pro choice I feel sad for her that her belief system is causing her so much pain. An I would never tell a total stranger, nor in fact a close friend what they should do. I will, if asked, talk to a close friend about her feelings and options. But ultimately it is her choice and my opinion of that choice is irrelevant.

[FiddleDD]

I haven't checked out the blogger, but I'm going to throw in my two cents anyway as a child who was NOT wanted.

My siblings were mid to late teens when I was born, and my mom has always been honest about how she was very unhappy to find out she was pregnant, and that she wasn't excited or happy about having a baby.

I have never felt unwanted. Knowing that she wasn't pleased to be having another child didn't affect me because what really mattered was what happened after I was born, and I was loved. I'm incredibly close to my mother and she has often said I was a gift that she didn't know she wanted. Obviously every situation is different, but I just wanted people to know that this mother's honestly won't necessarily traumatize her child, as I have honestly never felt hurt about knowing the circumstances of my arrival in this world.

[Jana814]

I haven't checked out the blogger, but I'm going to throw in my two cents anyway as a child who was NOT wanted.

My siblings were mid to late teens when I was born, and my mom has always been honest about how she was very unhappy to find out she was pregnant, and that she wasn't excited or happy about having a baby.

I have never felt unwanted. Knowing that she wasn't pleased to be having another child didn't affect me because what really mattered was what happened after I was born, and I was loved. I'm incredibly close to my mother and she has often said I was a gift that she didn't know she wanted. Obviously every situation is different, but I just wanted people to know that this mother's honestly won't necessarily traumatize her child, as I have honestly never felt hurt about knowing the circumstances of my arrival in this world.

Your story is very interesting. Also interesting that your mother was so honest to u about it.

[Cleopatra7]

I think what this shows is that choices don't happen in vacuums, and that a variety of emotions and reactions can occur when one is put in a difficult situation. If nothing else, she needs support from family and friends and some kind of consueling. This new pregnancy sounds like it will be high-risk, which means that her physical and mental health will be taxed. I don't follow this blogger closely, so I don't know the specifics of her life. What kind of parish does she attend? Would the people be willing to help her?

[Benk]

I haven't checked out the blogger, but I'm going to throw in my two cents anyway as a child who was NOT wanted.

My siblings were mid to late teens when I was born, and my mom has always been honest about how she was very unhappy to find out she was pregnant, and that she wasn't excited or happy about having a baby.

I have never felt unwanted. Knowing that she wasn't pleased to be having another child didn't affect me because what really mattered was what happened after I was born, and I was loved. I'm incredibly close to my mother and she has often said I was a gift that she didn't know she wanted. Obviously every situation is different, but I just wanted people to know that this mother's honestly won't necessarily traumatize her child, as I have honestly never felt hurt about knowing the circumstances of my arrival in this world.

I wanted to chime in with a "ditto" on punkcat's observation. My family history is not identical, but the key points - an unplanned, unwelcome pregnancy and my parents' honesty about that - are the same. There are things I regret about my parents choices, but their honesty about that situation is not one of them.

Edited because - grammar!

[FakePigtails]

I read the post and comments last night and as of then she seemed to be waving red flags of needing mental health care, and yet NO ONE suggested that for her. Another interesting thing to me was that someone suggested adoption and at least one person flipped out at that suggestion. Given that adoption's portrayed as the happy-frappy alternative to abortion, and that many women who choose abortions have kids already . . . seems that person may need to put their money where their mouth is.