Is this as horrible as I think? - Adoption

[formergothardite]

No one irl is as horrified as I am about this, so I am going to get the input of wise free jingerians. Here is the situation:

I have a fundie friend who I really haven't seen or kept up with in about five years. Her and her husband tried and tried for years to have a baby and never could. They went on a mission trip to some country in South America (can't remember which) and worked at an orphanage. While there they fell in love with these two older siblings. I think the girl was 7 and the boy was 9. Anyway they decided that God was not letting them have a baby because he wanted them to adopt these two children. So they came home and started raising money to adopt the kids. Every month they would send packages to them with pictures of what was going to be their new home, toys, and letters describing how they couldn't wait to bring them home and how much they loved them. The last time I saw her she showed me a picture that the orphanage had sent them that showed how the kids displayed the photos of their "new family and home" around their sleeping area. And she gushed on about how they were praying they would have the money to bring them home soon. After that we kind of drifted apart and I never really heard from her again.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I got an FB friend request from her. I fully expected to see that they had finally adopted these kids, but no, ends up that she got pregnant on her own about six months after I last saw her. I sent her a message congratulating her on her little girl and asking how the adoption process was going on the other two kids. Her exact words were:

"We feel that the trials that we struggled through trying to have children on our own was God leading us to the place where we were totally broken and ready to submit to HIS will and timing, not ours. We had to learn to wait on HIM and to give up our dreams and goals to blindly follow where ever HE leads. But in HIS own timing God has provided us with a blessing more than we could have ever imagine: ____ (child's name). We still continue to pray for and send Christmas cards and gifts to _____ and _____, but we no longer feel the pull of God to bring them into our home. At first this grieved both of us, but after many nights of tearful prayer God has given us a peace about it and we know that HE will send the right family along and will always shelter them in HIS everlasting arms of love."

All I can think of are how devastated those poor kids must be to get their hopes up of finally getting adopted only to be ditched because the people who were going to adopt them finally got the baby they really wanted. I understand that they really didn't think they would ever have kids on their own so it's not like they planned this and that having a new baby would be hard while at the same time adopting two other children, but to be all "Sorry guys, we got our baby, have fun finding a new family! We will be praying for you." seems cruel to me. I just feel heartbroken for those two kids who have been through so much all ready in their short lives only to have their hopes crushed again.

So what does FJ think? Is what they did horrible or understandable? People irl seem to think it is sad for the kids but totally understandable and pretty much expected that once they had a baby of their own they would ditch the other two kids.

[Jencendiary]

I think it's the most lazy pile of horse shit to ever grace the internet. When you commit to a child, you follow through. If you do not, you suck. End of story. It's not like going to the pet store & then not picking up the puppy you put a deposit on because you got a stray cat instead.

edited to add: I was adopted as a foster-to-adopt infant. My parents got pregnant 9 months after I came into the family, after being infertile for 12 years. They could have relinquished me back when they found out they were pregnant, because I was still just a foster placement. But, they're decent people (fundie & crazy, but decent) and saw it through.

So, I'm a little biased on this. But not too much.

[fundiefan]

I think it is appalling and those kids have been damaged and hurt yet again. And, in the name of their god and their own selfishness they did the damage and don't give a shit.

At the same time, I think it's better that it happened before they brought those kids to their home. If they throw the kids back now, what would have happened had they gotten those kids to their home and then became pregnant? Would they have given them back? Treated them differently?

The kids dodged a bullet and are at least still in a familiar environment.

[demgirl]

Fuck her. She's awful. Truly, truly wretched. The best thing I can say for her is that at least she didn't bring the kids here, then get pregnant and then send them to a different home for re-adoption because she sounds like the type who might do that.

Seriously. She sucks. And if I were you, I'd tell her so. She's probably hearing from everyone else how right it was to follow God's plan. She deserves to hear that God's plan cannot be to commit yourself to children, promise them a loving home and then rip it away from them as soon as you get a biological child because that is what you really wanted in the first place. That's following what YOU want, not what God wants and any "feeling" that God led her to is self-created in her mind.

That's one of the worst things I've ever heard and I'm literally enraged. She doesn't deserve to have any children.

[bbfreethinker]

I agree, it's horrible to get kid's hopes up like that and then dash them to the ground.Those kids obviously already had enough tragedy in their lives.

[formergothardite]

Yeah, it is probably better in the long run for the kids that they didn't get adopted by this couple because they are fundie and would be raising them in that sort of environment. But it still must have been so hard on them to find out that they weren't going to get adopted. I haven't replied to her because I can't think of anything half-way nice to say and I don't feel like dealing with a ton of fb drama that would happen if I did say something.

[Jencendiary]

Send her a private message. This way, if she takes it public it's her stirring up the drama. Private messages are a good thing.

[ElphabaGalinda]

It must be horrible for those kids, and only a horrible person would commit to adopt kids and just not do it like that. And to use God as an excuse like that....ugh. What they really meant is since God gave them what they really wanted they didn't need to settle for a substitute. I do think it's better that those kids weren't adopted by that family, because obviously the family didn't really want them in the first place. Doesn't make it any better for the kids, but perhaps now they can find a family that really wants them.

[formergothardite]

Oh she would take it public in a passive aggressive way. There is a reason we drifted apart, she is pretty much like all the other fundies we discuss who think anyone who disagrees with them needs to find God. I'm going to send her a message and then unfriend her because I just am not up to getting into a back and forth arguement with her. I don't want to go into it, but right now I'm going through some things with my marriage and I just can't deal with a lot more drama right now. I'm just kind of shocked that all the people irl (except for my mom) that I discussed this with doesn't think that what she did is that bad.

[thetabmeister]

As far as the whole "God" thing goes, that sounds to me like the typical problem many people (esp. fundies) have for crediting (or blaming) God when in fact, their decisions were really just their decisions. You know what, God did say stuff, and He put in the Bible (I believe this, anyway). And if you wanna know what God says, check out the Bible. I haven't counted, but Proverbs and Psalms have dozens of references to helping "widows" and "orphans." So yes, these people were very wrong to plan to do something, get the kids' hopes up, etc. and then go back on their word. I have 3 kids myself and am not sure why adding an infant to two adopted children would be a deal breaker, especially since they're older and don't need the constant care of a baby. But, not having been in an adopting/adoptive situation, I shouldn't judge there. What I *can* judge is the fact that these people are saying God this and God that, when if they checked "God's word" they'd see multiple references to not LYING, BEARING FALSE WITNESS, RESISTING (not helping) the POOR, and even a reference to folks who *start* a plan but do not follow through. To me, all those principles seem like a pretty good indication of what God's will would have been. I believe God lets us come up with our own plans, based on our lifestyles, personality, and desires, but His word has the principles that help us shape our lives in a godly way, if we want to follow Him.

So yea, those people are selfish, and wrong. :(

And the memory of rejection will stick with those kids forever...they're old enough to remember this...I can't imagine... :(

[thetabmeister]

Oh she would take it public in a passive aggressive way. There is a reason we drifted apart, she is pretty much like all the other fundies we discuss who think anyone who disagrees with them needs to find God. I'm going to send her a message and then unfriend her because I just am not up to getting into a back and forth arguement with her. I don't want to go into it, but right now I'm going through some things with my marriage and I just can't deal with a lot more drama right now. I'm just kind of shocked that all the people irl (except for my mom) that I discussed this with doesn't think that what she did is that bad.

Question, formergothardite, were "all the people" you discussed it with fundies?

[formergothardite]

Some are former fundies but most of fundie-lite, might be why nobody thinks it is that bad. My mom was the only one who was like "OMG what a terrible thing to do!" Everyone else was like "Well they had a baby and transitioning older children into a new home can be really hard, so of course they couldn't adopt them."

[Austin]

I think it is appalling and those kids have been damaged and hurt yet again. And, in the name of their god and their own selfishness they did the damage and don't give a shit.

At the same time, I think it's better that it happened before they brought those kids to their home. If they throw the kids back now, what would have happened had they gotten those kids to their home and then became pregnant? Would they have given them back? Treated them differently?

The kids dodged a bullet and are at least still in a familiar environment.

ITA. I am glad that they did not bring those poor children into their house, as they were clearly viewed as expendable to them, despite their claims of love for them. So, yeah, the kids dodged a bullet in that sense.

But of course you're right in that they damaged these children further by willfully and blithely disregarding their feelings and built them up unnecessarily only to very cruelly disappoint them. One would think that a couple in that position would have had this conversation: "Okay, we met these two wonderful little children in the orphanage and are considering adopting them. But what will happen if at some point, we do end up pregnant? Will that change how we feel about the adoption?"

I mean, what adoptive couple doesn't have that conversation unless one of them is missing some reproductive organs?

So yeah, they're scumbags. Clearly, it was "all about them" from the beginning.

I am reading Melissa Faye Green's book No Biking in the House without a Helmet who, along with her husband, had four biological children, then adopted five other children from different places, like Bulgaria and Ethiopia, and is very open about the joys and all the struggles involved in that. She tells their story in both a humorous and authentic way.

I first heard of her on NPR:

http://www.npr.org/2011/07/14/135314753 ... -the-house

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/stor ... Id=6355055

From what I can tell, she and her husband are amazing people, unlike formergothardite's callous fundie friend.

[GenerationCedarchip]

That's just horrible! I can't imagine what it must have done to those children psychologically to be led to think that this couple loved them and wanted them as children and then rejected them. I've worked with a lot of really good adoptive families who truly love their children. However, the few I encounter who are focused more on themselves than the children (as in thinking more about their goal of parenthood rather than about the specific child or children) sicken me.

[Guest Anonymous]

I think the "God told us we could back out of Plan A because he wanted Plan B for us all along" is just a vile bullshit excuse from people who aren't willing or able to own responsibility for their own actions. You see it throughout fundieland.

Poor, poor kids. Yes, ultimately they dodged a bullet, but shame on the couple for ever getting their hopes up. Shame also on the adoption agency or whoever allowed them to form such a close relationship with the kids without any sign of adoption funds being available. It is not uncommon for an 'infertile' couple to conceive once they stop trying so hard, and once the stress of trying so hard dissipates to the point where their bodies are healthy and they have sex for pleasure again. A proper agency would have raised this possibility with a prospective adoption family and at least have them think through the possibility.

I have a friend who started some charitable projects for the homeless while she was single, who dumped them, and everyone associated with them, extremely abruptly, the minute she found 'the man God intended' for her. No notice and not a backward glance. She explained, in sorrowful and melodramatic tones, that the homeless thing was a 'season' that was now over and God was moving her on. Thank God she was working with homeless adults and not children or I could have seen her do a similar thing to your 'adoption' friends.

[demgirl]

This is actually one of those stories that is making me angrier as time goes on. I keep thinking about it and I feel more and more sick. That level of callousness for other people's feelings -- not just people, but children and children that you claimed to have loved and viewed as your own -- is sick. It's just sick. It's less than human. Most people wouldn't treat their pets this way, much less children.

I can't imagine being able to do something like this unless you are a narcissist who completely lacks empathy for others. I'm not saying that she is that... I just can't imagine how else you could do it.

[slickcat79]

ITA. I am glad that they did not bring those poor children into their house, as they were clearly viewed as expendable to them, despite their claims of love for them. So, yeah, the kids dodged a bullet in that sense.

But of course you're right in that they damaged these children further by willfully and blithely disregarding their feelings and built them up unnecessarily only to very cruelly disappoint them. One would think that a couple in that position would have had this conversation: "Okay, we met these two wonderful little children in the orphanage and are considering adopting them. But what will happen if at some point, we do end up pregnant? Will that change how we feel about the adoption?"

I mean, what adoptive couple doesn't have that conversation unless one of them is missing some reproductive organs?

This. You aren't even allowed to adopt animals from a reputable shelter without considering how you will deal if you decide to get other animals, get married/divorced or have kids in the future.

It is good that the kids were spared being sent to a family where they would be treated as second-class, but it's still awful for them to have to go through that. I do think adoption of older children is more common internationally than it is domestically, but those kids are 8-10 or older by now, plus they've had a period of months or years where they were not considered adoptable because they already had a family waiting for them. The chances of them finding another family to take both of them together are not great :(

Besides the dickhead move of telling children that you want to adopt them and then backing out, these people robbed them of time that they may have met or been matched with another family that truly loved them and wanted them.

[Daisy4]

What they did to those kids is absolutely horrible, I can't imagine how dissapointed and rejected they must feel.

Do you know how they were raising money for the adoption? I have to wonder if they got donations and if so, did they return the money when God "changed his mind"?

[Deleted03]

This is horrible... and so stupid too. So God talked to you or you interpret what is said. Because another interpretation could be: you're pregnant because you understood I wanted you to adopt those older kids. Reward for your behavior.

But hey I think deep down they just don't want their "real" white american kid to be raised with non-white latinos... that's all.

[sugaree]

Awful. Awful people doing awful things, and wiping away any sense of guilt with a "God will shelter them." Oh, yeah, if God will shelter them, why are they in an orphanage with American twits totally fucking with their heads? Why didn't He shelter them from you, lady?

Probably for the best though. They fell in love, not with those children, but with a shiny fantasy of what they thought adoptive life could be, and if they had brought the children into their home, how badly that fantasy could have crashed. I mean, like nasty-Emma levels of horror.

[Terrie]

So, it got hard and they already had a kid, so they gave up and used God as an excuse. At least, that's how I see it. What a... I don't have a word nasty enough.

[Jessica]

I can't believe anyone would do anything so horrible! I can't imagine how those poor kids feel. :( Poor little things!

[Effie]

It's beyond horrible. Their actions were deceitful, selfish and cruel.

They gave these kids hope... just to take it away.

[ladypuglover]

I agree with everyone else. They never should have gotten those kids hopes up until it was a sure thing, like when the adults were flying down to bring the children home. I don't know much about adoption other than what I have been through when we were trying but I don't think you can adopt during certain life events. But I think you can if you have already started the adoption process. Anyway, I think what your soon to be ex-friend did was cruel and heartless and a very unChristian thing to do. If they try to say it was God's plan to hurt these children they they are following a different God than any I know.

[Nothing2CHere]

Just - just - :angry-steamingears: How do they know that God's plan wasn't for them to adopt those siblings AND have their baby at home, too? How could they have been so sure that it was only one or the other?

I am the adopted aunt of an adopted niece (my friend is an only child, so my husband & I are considered the girl's adopted aunt and uncle). She was 4 years old when she finally came home (she was about 2 when the process started). The country that my friend adopted from was so strict about their adoption policies, we couldn't even use her name - we referred to her in emails by only her first initial, and any photos that my friend was able to get could only be shown to me in person. Her gifts to her daughter during that time were limited to whatever could fit flat inside an envelope. The agency she worked through was protective not only of the children in the adoption process, but also keeping the children who did not have potential adoptions from feeling jealous or inadequate if they were to see other children receiving large gifts from their future families. I am just livid that this couple was able to get away with treating those children like this - to string them along, and then show no real remorse when they backed out.

The kids are probably better off in the long run, but still - my heart just aches that they were put through this! They'll still send Christmas cards? Yeah!