Just Because He Breathes: Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son

[Rachel333]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-rob ... gay-voices

This is really sad, but well worth the read. I also think it's awesome that Alan Chambers had this woman share her story at the last Exodus International conference.

[CallmeChaCha]

I loved this. So sad but such a beautiful story

[lizziesmom]

I read this yesterday. If these parents can save one life by telling their story, their son's death may not be in vain.

[wtylcf]

What a tragic story - I hope that by sharing it, other Christian parents are prevented from making the same mistakes with their own gay children, and can accept them for who they are without buying into the lie that faith will change their orientation.

[rward]

I loved this. So sad but such a beautiful story

To be honest, these sorts of stories . . .

It's very easy to love your dead, gay son. He's not in front of you being disappointing or annoying or anything else. Plus, people are very, very reluctant to confront grieving parents, so even when they tell this story to someone who believes as they did, they're not going to get much negativity back.

Basically, hindsight revelations don't impress me much.

[Rachel333]

To be honest, these sorts of stories . . .

It's very easy to love your dead, gay son. He's not in front of you being disappointing or annoying or anything else. Plus, people are very, very reluctant to confront grieving parents, so even when they tell this story to someone who believes as they did, they're not going to get much negativity back.

Basically, hindsight revelations don't impress me much.

It wasn't really a hindsight revelation, though. He died after they had learned that they didn't care if he was gay, they just wanted their son. I don't think being impressed with the parents is the point, anyway. I think these stories are important to hopefully prevent even one more hindsight revelation like this.

[CallmeChaCha]

It wasn't really a hindsight revelation, though. He died after they had learned that they didn't care if he was gay, they just wanted their son. I don't think being impressed with the parents is the point, anyway. I think these stories are important to hopefully prevent even one more hindsight revelation like this.

Yeah, that's how I read it - they accepted their son before he died and were looking forward to being a part of his life regardless of his sexual orientation, but they never got that chance.

[Mela99]

Sad

[missbrooklyn]

One of the Brooklynettes is gay. While I was flummoxed for a bit-she was a late teen and had never even hinted at her sexuality before she came out-I can't imagine a parent being that judgemental and critical of a child who trusted them enough to tell them. How do you tell your baby that he/she isn't good enough? How do you turn your back on your child because of who they love? And, more importantly, why would you think that your loving, compassionate G-d wants you to do that? I'm truly sorry for their loss, and I'm sorry for the pain they put their son through. But part of me is so angry at them for putting their child and themselves in that position

[Behemoth]

It wasn't really a hindsight revelation, though. He died after they had learned that they didn't care if he was gay, they just wanted their son. I don't think being impressed with the parents is the point, anyway. I think these stories are important to hopefully prevent even one more hindsight revelation like this.

I agree - they spent SIX years trying to cure him with jesus after he came out. They simply continued torturing their son for being gay using even more religious filth to cure him. The parents who failed to love her son while he was alive and taught him to hate himself are now publicly flogging his suffering and death? Do they present any challange to the perverted belief system that led them to hate their gay son? I do believe that in this instance it is more valuable for these hate filled people to have a dead gay son so they can play victim on so many different levels. They get to claim they did everything biblical to save their son, playing to that crowd, and from the other end of the spectrum we are to feel sorry for them? I feel sorry for the young man whose life was filled with such suffering. Rest in Peace Ryan. You deserved better. Religion kills and his parents were active participants in his suffering and death.

[Lainey]

One of the Brooklynettes is gay. While I was flummoxed for a bit-she was a late teen and had never even hinted at her sexuality before she came out-I can't imagine a parent being that judgemental and critical of a child who trusted them enough to tell them. How do you tell your baby that he/she isn't good enough? How do you turn your back on your child because of who they love? And, more importantly, why would you think that your loving, compassionate G-d wants you to do that? I'm truly sorry for their loss, and I'm sorry for the pain they put their son through. But part of me is so angry at them for putting their child and themselves in that position

This.

[wtylcf]

I agree - they spent SIX years trying to cure him with jesus after he came out. They simply continued torturing their son for being gay using even more religious filth to cure him. The parents who failed to love her son while he was alive and taught him to hate himself are now publicly flogging his suffering and death? Do they present any challange to the perverted belief system that led them to hate their gay son? I do believe that in this instance it is more valuable for these hate filled people to have a dead gay son so they can play victim on so many different levels. They get to claim they did everything biblical to save their son, playing to that crowd, and from the other end of the spectrum we are to feel sorry for them? I feel sorry for the young man whose life was filled with such suffering. Rest in Peace Ryan. You deserved better. Religion kills and his parents were active participants in his suffering and death.

I generally agree with the sentiment that hindsight revelations are all too easy - but in the article itself, the parents acknowledge they were COMPLETELY WRONG in their actions. That if they could do it over again, they would accept their son for who he was without giving him an ultimatum between living life as a godless sinner and living life as a celibate self-denier. That they completely accept responsibility for the fact that the way they handled their son's sexual orientation drove him into a life of drug abuse, which ultimately killed him. What I read loud and clear in the story was the strong statement, "we tried the so-called 'godly' way of handing our son's homosexuality, and ultimately it killed him, so do NOT make the same mistake as we did, because it was, in fact, wrong." I do think that they challenge the "perverted belief system that led them to hate their gay son," as you phrased it. That's the one beam of hope shining out in the essay, because I do agree that any parents who drive their son to self-harm, whether they admit the error of their ways or not, are hardly sympathetic figures.

The major criticism of the piece I do have is that it's unclear to what extent they accept homosexuality. They do not challenge the church on homosexuality from a doctrinal standpoint (I'm not expecting hermeneutic gymnastics in a personal essay, but a personal statement on their current beliefs would not have been out of place), and the mother admits that if the son hadn't been driven to self-harm, they would likely never have had the obvious realization that it is much better to have a living, gay son than a dead gay son. And I am actually unclear on whether their "acceptance" of their son would have been limited to being thankful he was alive while still being convinced he was hell-bound, or whether they would have fully accepted him.

[treemom]

This family has been involved with soulforce, which is an organization I really like

[BravaAmica]

We had unintentionally taught Ryan to hate his sexuality.

Um, no, they intentionally taught him to hate his sexuality. They chose to follow a bigoted, hate-filled religious belief system. They chose to subject their son to six years of "conversion therapy" and didn't realize what dicks they were until it was too late. I only feel pity for Ryan, for having the misfortune to be born to such awful parents.

[treemom]

I do think it is good though that they tell their stories in hope of no one else doing this to their son.

[Flossie]

I do think it is good though that they tell their stories in hope of no one else doing this to their son.

Or daughter. :)

[EyeQueue]

I'm wondering when (or if!) the tides will ever really turn on this, as far as some of these inflexible parents accepting their LGBTQ children. I remember when I was in high school (back in the 80s), I didn't know a single person who was "out" (I grew up in Arizona). I suspected a few guys of being gay, and a few girls of being lesbian, and was invited to take a shower with one of my female friends senior year as a "time saving" device when we were getting ready to go out for the evening (I'm still not sure what the intentions were on that one).

Fast forward to raising my 14-year-old daughter now. I could name a good dozen of her friends (in junior high and high school) who are openly out, and the vast majority of her friends identify as "bi." She, herself, suspects she is bi, and I have no problem with whatever sexual orientation she ends up identifying as.

It seems like a completely different world now, and this younger generation just flat out could give two fucks (for the most part) what someone's sexual orientation is. I'm heartened that this may go a long way toward softening up some people, since many learn tolerance once it's their kid. At the same time, though, I fear for some of these young people's lives--those who have parents who are of the pray and/or beat the gay away (which includes, unfortunately, someone I once considered a dear friend).

[treemom]

I think it is changing with every generation.

[Mama Mia]

I'm wondering when (or if!) the tides will ever really turn on this, as far as some of these inflexible parents accepting their LGBTQ children. I remember when I was in high school (back in the 80s), I didn't know a single person who was "out" (I grew up in Arizona). I suspected a few guys of being gay, and a few girls of being lesbian, and was invited to take a shower with one of my female friends senior year as a "time saving" device when we were getting ready to go out for the evening (I'm still not sure what the intentions were on that one).

Fast forward to raising my 14-year-old daughter now. I could name a good dozen of her friends (in junior high and high school) who are openly out, and the vast majority of her friends identify as "bi." She, herself, suspects she is bi, and I have no problem with whatever sexual orientation she ends up identifying as.

It seems like a completely different world now, and this younger generation just flat out could give two fucks (for the most part) what someone's sexual orientation is. I'm heartened that this may go a long way toward softening up some people, since many learn tolerance once it's their kid. At the same time, though, I fear for some of these young people's lives--those who have parents who are of the pray and/or beat the gay away (which includes, unfortunately, someone I once considered a dear friend).

I agree that the passage of time makes a huge difference, and especially regarding sexual orientation. I think people forget how very, very recently openly gay and lesbian people weren't seen in the media, in schools, in politics or generally in most people's family and social circle.

I was a teenager when Harvey Milk was on the City Council in San Francisco. He was the first openly gay elected politician in the United States. That was only 30 something years ago. In San Francisco, obviously an area that is much more accepting of homosexuality than the vast majority of places. My oldest daughter was a teenager when Ellen DeGeneres made news by coming out on television, it was a huge deal and it was only 15 years ago. Today you have legal marriage equality in a number of states. That is massive public opinion change in an incredibly short time period.

When I read the parents letter I really felt for them. The way they described their initial reaction sounded to me like how most parents would feel if their child was becoming an addict....the trying to fix him, the telling him they love him but hate what he's doing, trying to find alternatives..all of it. I think they truly, genuinely did not understand that there wasn't something to"fix" until much later.

[Burris]

Basically, hindsight revelations don't impress me much.

…because obviously the only reason they learned something from their mistake and publicized what they found out was to collect sympathy Good thing you're one of the rare ones who can see through that bullshit to call out grieving parents who already admit they were dead wrong.

[Ruby Slippers]

All this "when he saw we could forgive him" business? Ryan did not need forgiveness, for fuck's sake. They still don't get it.

[treemom]

All this "when he saw we could forgive him" business? Ryan did not need forgiveness, for fuck's sake. They still don't get it.

I read that part to be about the addiction. But I don't think he needed forgiveness.

[Flossie]

I choose to believe these parents are trying. They have come from a much more rigid and 'moralistic' place and they're trying. Stepping out of a lifetime of beliefs is hard. It would have been better if they'd said that they didn't need to forgive Ryan because they were wrong and he was not doing anything that needed forgiveness, but they were trying.

It doesn't sound like Ryan OD'd because he still didn't think he was good enough for them, it sounds like a person who relapsed and either didn't realize that he was much more susceptible to the drugs than he used to be, or maybe he wasn't aware that what he was taking was stronger than he had been used to.

I realize I'm getting all my information from the parents themselves, but I sincerely hope they're telling the truth about them accepting Ryan and learning to not only accept Ryan, but also his future boyfriend/partner/husband. It would have been so sweet if it had worked out to have them loving on the grandbabies.

[Mama Mia]

I also was surprised that his death was through an accidental overdose from relapsing into addiction. While I'm sure that his parents relentlessly trying to "fix" him was a contributing factor -- there are no guarantees he wouldn't have had the exact same outcome if they had reacted differently. Addiction is a disease, and plenty of people with substance abuse issues come from warm, loving and accepting families. It must be awful to be carrying all that guilt over what they should have done.