Memoir from woman who broke free from fundamental judaism

[dawn9476]

She grew up in the Williamsburg part of Brooklyn. She says she was raped at 12, forced into an arrange marriage at 17 to a man she knew for about 30 minutes, and was divorced at 23. Apparently after she and her husband consumated their marriage, he called their rabbi who called her "unclean." She also has family members telling her to commit suicide. ::SMH:: She had one son with her ex-husband and has primary custody of him.

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... z1ljZXHGid

[gardenvarietycitizen]

She has a blog on tumblr, just google "Deborah Feldman" and it's right on the front page of Google hits.

Also there's a thread on imamother where people are really really unhappy about the existence of this book.

Edit to add: She has another blog too: http://www.deborahfeldman.com/about-me.php

[nonymouse]

It is already on my library book list. Then again, if it will tick off some fundies, I might just *gasp* buy it to support Ms. Feldman :dance:

[whatup212]

Awesome! I am wondering if this is the same woman who had a story in New York magazine a couple of years ago? The story was really similar, but the girl in that article had a child who was fought over by her Hasidic in-laws and herself. I'll see if I can come up with the article, it was horrible and fascinating.

[Witsec7]

Satmar women are often times the subject of extended and underhanded custody battles when it comes to divorce. I'm linking to the story of one, and I believe another does have a book out.

This article also mentions the Satmar morality police, something most folks aren't aware of.

http://nymag.com/news/features/48532/

[emmiedahl]

You're right GVC, there is a monster thread about her on imamother. Huge, and very angry. Whoa now, ladies.

[NurseNell]

Satmar women are often times the subject of extended and underhanded custody battles when it comes to divorce. I'm linking to the story of one, and I believe another does have a book out.

This article also mentions the Satmar morality police, something most folks aren't aware of.

http://nymag.com/news/features/48532/

Wow, that was very interesting to read. I hope she gets custody of her daughter.

[Conuly]

I remember reading that NY Magazine article a while back. In fairness to the dad, didn't Mom do some serious drugs during her rebellious period? I'd be reluctant to hand off custody to somebody who only recently got their life back in order, regardless of conflicting religious views.

(With that said, you all have to read the comments to the article. If any of them really are from Kiryas Joel, their comments attempting to "prove" Gitty's just an awful, awful person backfire. All I'm convinced of is that if they're for real, KJ must be full of backbiting gossips. Isn't that something Jews aren't supposed to do, spread malicious and pointless comments about others? Heck, isn't that something human beings aren't supposed to do out of common decency? I wouldn't want to live there either!)

[Witsec7]

I don't know if it was Gitty that did the drugs or another Satmar wife who had a high profile divorce. Their divorces and custody battles get big press on the east coast. Satmars are seriously crazy. There are several good You Tubes about Satmars and Satmars who have left the fold. Stamars are pretty forgiving of their prodigals, and often times like christian fundys make sure they have accountability partners upon their return. Its the Satmar morality police that harass the female goyem bicycle riders and joggers.

[Lillybee]

Josh, who won on THE WORSE COOKS IN AMERICA, was raised Hadissic and left.

[Dinorah]

This book sounds interesting. However, I must say I'm curious how she managed to attend Sarah Lawrence. I was under the impression ultra-Orthodox Jews this extreme are wary even of Jewish religious institutions like Stern college, how did she manage to go to a secular college? It's not that I'm doubting her story, I'm just curious.

A couple of the comments to the article by Baal Teshuvas made me roll my eyes. Ok, I understand not wanting to be lumped together with extremists, but is the only way of dealing with these issues is saying "it must be a mentally unstable woman who 's seeking for attention"? Can't you for once see there might be objectively something not going well, even if doesn't concern all, or even most, members of the religion in question?

[Kelya]

I remember reading that NY Magazine article a while back. In fairness to the dad, didn't Mom do some serious drugs during her rebellious period? I'd be reluctant to hand off custody to somebody who only recently got their life back in order, regardless of conflicting religious views.

(With that said, you all have to read the comments to the article. If any of them really are from Kiryas Joel, their comments attempting to "prove" Gitty's just an awful, awful person backfire. All I'm convinced of is that if they're for real, KJ must be full of backbiting gossips. Isn't that something Jews aren't supposed to do, spread malicious and pointless comments about others? Heck, isn't that something human beings aren't supposed to do out of common decency? I wouldn't want to live there either!)

the mom smoked weed months before. the father's legal team requested a hair follicle test because they knew she'd hung out with a group of former hasids, a rebel group of people who'd left. the fact they didn't want a urine test indicates they knew she wasn't doing drugs recently, since a hair follicle test stretches back months. it's not like she's a pothead or stoner.

and frankly, i'd rather have my kid raised by a pothead than a religious fanatic set on teaching them that they are lesser creatures who can have no thoughts and must obey a man's every word.

[pomology]

the mom smoked weed months before. the father's legal team requested a hair follicle test because they knew she'd hung out with a group of former hasids, a rebel group of people who'd left. the fact they didn't want a urine test indicates they knew she wasn't doing drugs recently, since a hair follicle test stretches back months. it's not like she's a pothead or stoner.

and frankly, i'd rather have my kid raised by a pothead than a religious fanatic set on teaching them that they are lesser creatures who can have no thoughts and must obey a man's every word.

Truth.

[PokaDot]

Yahoo has put her on their front page too: http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/unorthodox-womans-journey-repression-freedom-201000868.html

Growing up, Deborah Feldman had to wear skirts that covered her ankles and high-necked blouses made of woven fabric so they wouldn't cling to her body. She wasn't allowed to read books in English because her grandfather, with whom she lived, said they were written in an "impure language." When she was twelve, she suffered a sexual assault, which she kept hidden because she had been taught that men's lust was ungovernable. This was supposedly the reason her world was segregated by gender.

At 17, Feldman's grandparents pushed her into an arranged marriage with a virtual stranger, but she had never even heard the word "sex" spoken or learned about the very basics of human reproduction. Once married, she was expected to shave her head and wear a wig—something she rebelled against after a year because she found it so depressing. Seven years later, despite the fact she knew she would be hated as a pariah, she abandoned her community and started life over.

You might be surprised that Feldman didn't grow up in a far away country with repressive laws against women, but in an ultra-conservative Jewish enclave in New York City. "They've passed more laws from out of nowhere, limiting women—there's a rule that women can't be on the street after a certain hour," Feldman told the New York Post describing the Hasidic Satmar community in which she was raised. "We all hear these stories about Muslim extremists; how is this any better? This is just another example of extreme fundamentalism."

Emphasis mine. When will people give the same type of attention to "our" extremism? By that I mean the Christian extremism, the Jewish extremism, *insert any other religion* extremism. It's just as bad, and almost always, it's women who suffer.

Because it seems to me that the only type of Christian extremism anyone cares about is FLDS.

The first part of that article reminds me of when we first met the Duggars (and by that I mean the clothing), yet they are to be admired? WTF?

[keen23]

Oprah's Next Chapter, airing on February 12th is about families in the Hasidic community in Brooklyn. This should be an interesting episode.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Just to be clear, Deborah is not the same person as Gitty from the New York magazine article.

Satmar are the largest and most insular of the Hasidic groups. From my dealings with both current and ex-members online, it's clear that community is everything. For those that tow the line, the community provides tons of love and warmth and support. For those that don't, life can be miserable and leaving can be terrifying. The working language is Yiddish, although girls learn more English than the boys do. Girls are taught some practical skills, but many of the boys are not. Standards for clothing are extremely strict, even if comparison to other Orthodox groups. Marriages occur very young, with the parents first selecting and approving a mate, and just bringing in the actual couple to meet at the end of the process to make sure that they don't hate the sight of each other. It's typically just a few well-chaperoned meetings in the home. One woman, who is still very much a part of that community, told me that as a girl, they really weren't explained the full reasoning behind rules. It was just, "this is done" and "this isn't done". She said that community custom was considered to be equivalent to religious law. As well, "sticking out" was considered to be immodest. Conformity is therefore transformed into religious requirement. All sorts of things that aren't actually part of Jewish law - men wearing only a particular type of clothing, women shaving their hair after marriage, women not driving, even using a baby carrier in public instead of a stroller - were taken as serious religious matters, and the idea of deviating from communal norms, or having any family member do so, was seen as terrifying.

While many people associate Hasidic Jews like this with the old Jewish communities of Eastern Europe, and while the community is linked to the old Hasidic dynasties, Satmar was really developed in the wake of the Holocaust. As Hungarian Jews, they had more survivors than other groups, but the community was still completely devastated and it was basically a community of traumatized survivors who had lost family. I remember one man describing how he never knew anyone with grandparents when he was growing up. Add to this the teachings of Satmar's leader that the Holocaust was caused by Zionism and secularism, and you have this environment where the outside world was shut out and seen as a totally hostile force. Because of the teachings of their leader, Satmar got into some feuds with other Hasidic groups, and had almost nothing to do with non-Orthodox Jews.

[pomology]

Satmar are the largest and most insular of the Hasidic groups.

Is that really true? I thought Lubavitchers were the largest Hasidic group. Maybe I just assumed that because they're everywhere, but I swear I actually thought that I'd heard that they were the largest.

[fakepigtails73]

Awesome! I am wondering if this is the same woman who had a story in New York magazine a couple of years ago? The story was really similar, but the girl in that article had a child who was fought over by her Hasidic in-laws and herself. I'll see if I can come up with the article, it was horrible and fascinating.

I remember reading that article! She was raised in a Jewish fundie village in upstate NY , then left for the city after a marriage to a rabbi-in-training Hasidic extremist, if I remember well?

I wonder how her custody battle ended up...

[Patsy]

2xx, do you know if the Orthodox Jews in the U.S. who were against the formation of Israel were largely/entirely Satmar? Or is that something that a few individuals and groups came to on their own?

[Ralar]

Many Satmar men work in large Satmar-owned businesses such as B & H Photo (probably the largest Camera & Video store in the country) and in the diamond district in NYC.

[2xx1xy1JD]

2xx, do you know if the Orthodox Jews in the U.S. who were against the formation of Israel were largely/entirely Satmar? Or is that something that a few individuals and groups came to on their own?

While the majority of Hasidic Jews aren't Zionist, Satmar takes anti-Zionism to new heights. It was the explicit teaching of their late leader that establishing the State of Israel prior to the coming of the Messiah was wrong, and he went so far as to say that the Zionist movement caused the Holocaust. Unlike the other Hasidic groups, Satmar does not participate in the Israeli government in any way, although they do have members who live in Israel.

I believe that the largest Hasidic groups today are Satmar, Lubavitch and Ger. Satmar is large because (a) the Nazis came to Hungary later than they came to Poland which meant that more members of the group survived the Holocaust, and (b) they get married young and have enormous families. Lubavitch may have slightly fewer core adherents than Satmar, but they have a far larger presence and influence because they are outreach-oriented. A handful of core Lubavitchers may run synagogue programs, a preschool, a Hebrew school, a summer camp and a special needs program for a whole community. If you were to count the number of Jews who were involved in any way with Lubavitch, the numbers would be much higher.

[Patsy]

While the majority of Hasidic Jews aren't Zionist, Satmar takes anti-Zionism to new heights. It was the explicit teaching of their late leader that establishing the State of Israel prior to the coming of the Messiah was wrong, and he went so far as to say that the Zionist movement caused the Holocaust. Unlike the other Hasidic groups, Satmar does not participate in the Israeli government in any way, although they do have members who live in Israel.

I believe that the largest Hasidic groups today are Satmar, Lubavitch and Ger. Satmar is large because (a) the Nazis came to Hungary later than they came to Poland which meant that more members of the group survived the Holocaust, and (b) they get married young and have enormous families. Lubavitch may have slightly fewer core adherents than Satmar, but they have a far larger presence and influence because they are outreach-oriented. A handful of core Lubavitchers may run synagogue programs, a preschool, a Hebrew school, a summer camp and a special needs program for a whole community. If you were to count the number of Jews who were involved in any way with Lubavitch, the numbers would be much higher.

Thank you, that's very interesting. I'd only heard of Lubavitchers being against it on an individual-by-individual basis. Wasn't aware that there were significant groups that taught it.

[emmiedahl]

So, I was looking for documentaries on either of the women discussed here. I found one called "In Satmar Custody" on Youtube. It's not on the same people, but a similar situation. The Satmar allegedly have lured Yemeni Jews to the US, promising them jobs and help with resettlement. Then, they take their passports and, when they can, their children.