Success Rate of Arranged Marriages

[roddma]

It is often said arranged marriages are more successful than marriages for love the way Fundies claim courting being more successful. Arranged marriages show a divorce rate of 4%, but it's greatly debated.I think many factors come in play here.

http://www.everythingengagement.com/arr ... stics.html

[2xx1xy1JD]

My great grandparents had an arranged marriage. They were together 63 years which sounds successful but my grandmother did 't think that her father ever really loved her mother.

The same pressure that makes people enter these marriages can prevent divorce even in cases of abuse.

Cultures that arrange marriages are ones where family is highly involved and would be critical of a potential mate. Having your parents get along with your spouse and inlaws is important in those cultures.

I would say that there is a hybrid in my community. Matchmaking or websites like JDate are very common and families often have strong opinions but the people themselves decide if they want to pursue a relationship.

[dairyfreelife]

My great grandparents had an arranged marriage. They were together 63 years which sounds successful but my grandmother did 't think that her father ever really loved her mother.

The same pressure that makes people enter these marriages can prevent divorce even in cases of abuse.

Cultures that arrange marriages are ones where family is highly involved and would be critical of a potential mate. Having your parents get along with your spouse and inlaws is important in those cultures.

I would say that there is a hybrid in my community. Matchmaking or websites like JDate are very common and families often have strong opinions but the people themselves decide if they want to pursue a relationship.

Agreed. I think it varies too. My bf's sister did an arranged marriage, but she also had a say in the process. If she was not interested or decided at any point up to the marriage that she did not want to be with him, she could openly say no. If there was any indication that he was abusive towards her at any point, I have zero doubt that her parents would come from India, selling everything they had if they had to, to get her out. I know my bf would fly down and grab her and her children in a heartbeat if he heard his BIL was hurting any of them.

While divorce if frowned upon, they are usually not 100% against it. They tend to not like no-fault divorce and think couples should try to work it out as much as possible. But if it can't be done after a ton of trying, they do permit in many cases. At least in more modern Indian culture. Can't vouch for other cultures with arranged marriages or even rural Indian marriages, which tend to be more traditional, but in general, yes.

[sense and nonsense]

Almost all my family members have had arranged marriages, my parents included (I'm from India) the only thing that makes the divorce rates lower is the social pressure not to get divorced. There was a huge stigma against divorce, and it wasn't even an option, EVEN FOR ABUSE. A lot of women from the villages come over to cities for work as domestic help because their husbands are abusive, and use their money to get drunk. They still cannot divorce them.

In urban India the situation is improving, but I can still see the stigma against divorce in families. There are also cases where young women who are abused physically have been told to try to make it work, because their parents did want a 'divorced' daughter. All parties involved were well educated and living in a metropolitan city. :(

It's often a gamble. If you are interested in reading about the cultural dynamics in India, this blog is great.

Indianhomemaker.wordpress.com

[dawn]

If by "successful" we mean "doesn't end in divorce", it could be true, but that doesn't mean they were happy marriages - My grandparents had an arranged wedding in 1933 - they were both unhappy but they stayed together until my grandfathers death.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Arranged marriages are usually a thing in cultures that also look down on divorce.

[Arete]

One Set of.my grandparents had an arranged marriage and were fortunately quite happy. But if they had been unhappy, it would not have mattered, they would have NEVER divorced, even though divorce was legal in their country and permitted by their church. The social stigma of divorce would not merely have come down on them, it would have affected their children's ability to secure good matches. So most people in their society were just SOL if they had a bad marriage. Only the very wealthy would have risked the stigma back in the day, and only for very dire reasons like wife beating.

[Jana814]

Arranged marriages are usually a thing in cultures that also look down on divorce.

Agree!

[alba]

The issue with talking about the success rate of arranged marriages (besides the obvious flaw in attributing success to a lack of divorce) is that there are so many variables, for instance the degree to which it is arranged. This post, from a woman from a Pakistani background with a happy arranged marriage herself, does a good job of explaining the different forms an arranged marriage might take: aishasaeed.com/2006/08/arranged-marriage-101.html.

So a couple that marries after an arranged introduction are much more likely to be happy (possibly moreso than couples that meet the typical way we do in the West, because they've discussed important things like children and finances from the start, with no pressure to marry each other) than people in a forced marriage.

[DaisyD]

I think the main difference in the possibility that arrangement is more successful is that people tend to go into it knowing it will take work. Often, I think, people who are soooo in looooove think it will always be that way, and when the shine rubs off, just give up. I'd be interested to see if the stigma of divorce were removed, would it still be more successful? I think it might. Marriage takes work and thinking about someone else. Those butterflies don't last forever. I tend to think people who have to work at it from the beginning might do better with that.

[roddma]

The difference in Fundie style courtship and arranged marriages is arranged marriages have always been part of some cultures. The kids of Fundies are essentially guinea pigs and the parents dated and likely dated several people. I dont think one should be tauted above the other which is what supporters of these types of marriages do. Furthermore, those who practice dont think about anyone who may not want to marry.

[Toothfairy]

Isn't a fundie marriage and an arranged cultural marriage two different things? Being fundie is brainwashing not cultural

[fun2beme]

A few years ago I read an article in Cosmo (or maybe Glamour?) so definitely not for fundies. Three ladies had their dads pick dates for them and they agreed to "live together" for the weekend. Lady #1 said the guy was very nice and she could see the qualities that made her dad pick him, but he just wasn't her type. Lady #2 said while it didn't work out romantically, she and the guy became good friends. Lady #3 married her guy (I think they were both from India).

At any rate, the results were interesting.

[vspielman]

Many years ago I had my first experience with arranged marriage. As a teen, I worked at a department store with an Indian lady. I just loved her to death. Coming out of extremely white rural Pennsylvania, she was the most exotic and interesting person I'd ever met in my life. She and her husband had an arranged marriage. The way she explained it was that, yes, her parents and his parents got together and thought it would be a good match, but then it was up to her and her husband to hang out and decide what they thought. She said that they discussed everything that was important to each of them and thought they could make a good life together. She did admit that she didn't love him when they married, but she respected him and liked him a great deal, and she also knew that he would be able to provide a good life for her and would be a good Dad for her children. She said she did grow to love him madly, especially after they started having kids. She thought love was important, but not more or less important than things like companionship and compatibility. This was the first time that I considered things like this and it was wisdom that I took with me as I grew up.

[Jana814]

I think it depends on the married couple.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Many years ago I had my first experience with arranged marriage. As a teen, I worked at a department store with an Indian lady. I just loved her to death. Coming out of extremely white rural Pennsylvania, she was the most exotic and interesting person I'd ever met in my life. She and her husband had an arranged marriage. The way she explained it was that, yes, her parents and his parents got together and thought it would be a good match, but then it was up to her and her husband to hang out and decide what they thought. She said that they discussed everything that was important to each of them and thought they could make a good life together. She did admit that she didn't love him when they married, but she respected him and liked him a great deal, and she also knew that he would be able to provide a good life for her and would be a good Dad for her children. She said she did grow to love him madly, especially after they started having kids. She thought love was important, but not more or less important than things like companionship and compatibility. This was the first time that I considered things like this and it was wisdom that I took with me as I grew up.

The "arranged introduction" style is more common today, and I know a number of couples who met this way. The parents/matchmaker suggest a match, pre-screen the candidate, and then if all checks out they meet. Nobody is obligated to continue if they don't click. The idea is simply that you take care of the big issues ahead of time, rather than falling in love first and then realizing that someone may not fit your values or have key areas that are not compatible. The system is far from perfect, but for people who have certain religious/cultural values that would be deal-breakers and very involved family, not being compatible on these levels can place enormous strain on a relationship.

Forced marriages are more concerning. I've had clients with some harrowing stories.

[sparkles]

When you get right down to it, if you have the option to put the breaks on if you don't think the other person is a good match, some of these arrangements and introductions really aren't much different than a blind date. Blind dates just have negative emotional baggage. I don't think being introduced by your family or even a matchmaker counts as an arranged marriage, if that's how it ends up, since both parties have an out.

[sense and nonsense]

When you get right down to it, if you have the option to put the breaks on if you don't think the other person is a good match, some of these arrangements and introductions really aren't much different than a blind date. Blind dates just have negative emotional baggage. I don't think being introduced by your family or even a matchmaker counts as an arranged marriage, if that's how it ends up, since both parties have an out.

Yeah I agree. Arranged introductions often work out okay, similar to a blind date. And the big cultural and religious differences are already sorted out before anybody gets emotionally involved.

[2xx1xy1JD]

When you get right down to it, if you have the option to put the breaks on if you don't think the other person is a good match, some of these arrangements and introductions really aren't much different than a blind date. Blind dates just have negative emotional baggage. I don't think being introduced by your family or even a matchmaker counts as an arranged marriage, if that's how it ends up, since both parties have an out.

Arranged marriages seem to be divided into sub-categories, with forced marriage on one extreme.

I'd say that one thing that distinguishes consensual arranged marriages is that the introduction and early involvement of parents are the norm, not the exception. In some cultures, it would be extremely rare for someone to spontaneously find a spouse on their own, due to the limited pool of candidates and restrictions on freely mingling with the opposite sex. For example, I know one Lubavitch couple that met spontaneously (both worked for the same synagogue), but they were a highly exceptional case (and I love seeing them together because you could tell that they were really, really into each other).

[Ellimenopy]

I think the main difference in the possibility that arrangement is more successful is that people tend to go into it knowing it will take work. Often, I think, people who are soooo in looooove think it will always be that way, and when the shine rubs off, just give up. I'd be interested to see if the stigma of divorce were removed, would it still be more successful? I think it might. Marriage takes work and thinking about someone else. Those butterflies don't last forever. I tend to think people who have to work at it from the beginning might do better with that.

I think this is a huge distinction: cultures that have arranged marriages do not place a high value on romantic love or attraction. They are explicitly taught that marriage is about stability and family ties and that your partner will not be your everything. It's so unfair to fundies to mix up the western ideals of romantic love with the eastern ideals of familial stability, because the qualities that make you interesting as a "lover (bit of an icky word but useful here)" do not make you a good provider and partner, unless you are very very lucky. They're trying to have it all, both the prince charming young love ideal, and the stable family-bonding of arranged marriages, and it's not fair to the young women OR the young men.

[HereticHick]

You hit the nail on the head, Elimenopy.

Fundies also make it worse by basically saying that only the headships can arrange the marriages--unlike many other arranged marriage cultures where the neighbors/siblings/grandmas/aunties/dad's business partners/professional matchmakers are all in on the game. You've got a lot of people in your community actively looking to make good matches for you--not just dad sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to come knock at the door (and then fill out a giant questionnaire)

[Firiel]

Knowing some of the people my parents have wanted to set me up with, I'm really glad that arranged marriage isn't a thing in my culture. It would just be a string of me saying, "No. No. No. No. WHY?! No. No."

Not that I'm doing any better on my own. :shrug:

To add something more useful to the conversation, it seems like this practice would be more successful when there is a really solid, open relationship between parents and children and when the parents and children either have a very similar worldview or the parents are very accepting of the fact that their children value different things than they do. Not having that dynamic with my own parents is why I'm cringing thinking about arranged marriages/introductions in my own life.

[justoneoftwo]

Another difference between traditionally arranged marriages and Fundy ones is the idea of the purpose of marriage. Marriage for love is a relatively new idea, where as traditionally marriage included love but was also about family, economic stability, working together for mutual gain and so on. When the love becomes a problem or the honeymoon period ends a marriage in a culture that views it as only love based may end, while one that is from a culture of uniting families, economics and other things have those other reasons to stay together.

In the Fundy circles people are told they will find the one G-d made for them and it will be all love and wonderful if they follow the rules. When its not all love and wonderful they don't have the other reasons to feel the marriage is still a "good" marriage.