Miscarriage Misconceptions

[2xx1xy1JD]

Just read this article on a study about miscarriage experiences and misconceptions: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/05 ... t=20150508 (link unbroken, news source)

My 2 thoughts were:

1. Yes, yes, YES. I completely relate and agree with every word.

2. Why couldn't I have read this article 17 years ago, when I really needed it?

As I've mentioned before, I've had 3 miscarriages, and the first threw my for a total loop that included a year of intense grief/depression/general craziness. I spent a lot of time trying to process that.

One of the big things for me was that I had a ton of "irrational" guilt and shame. At the time, I was reading tons of pregnancy books and magazines, determined to do everything perfectly. There was a ton of stuff on why you should avoid changing cat litter or eating sushi, why you should drink milk and eat lots of protein, how doing this could cause irreversible damage but doing that could produce a baby genius.....but they never said "by the way, you could do everything by the book and still lose a pregnancy, because stuff like chromosomal errors are completely out of your control and surprisingly common".

Back in 1998, the internet was still very new (and we had limited dial-up access that disconnected every time someone buzzed up to our apartment), so there was even less awareness and connection than there is today.

[Aurora rising]

Yes, yes and yes! And could they please teach everybody about it? I had a miscarriage and the nurse in the hospital asked me it I "overdid" it. The doctor told me that technically it´s not a miscarriage because I tested too early with one of those unreliable tests (no, I didn´t, my period is like a clock and I tested after I was overdue for 1 week). My (at this time) best friend told me it´s maybe my fault because I "cannot sit still and did too much sport" (nope, was busy feeling sick) and / or was eating something with cinnemon.

I´m still not over these stupid comments and we need much more information about it.

(And I´m sorry for you loss, 2xx1xy1JD)

[2xx1xy1JD]

Aurora, those comments to you were horrible! Seriously, what are people thinking?

I remember being so sensitive that even the tiniest hint of blame would send me over the edge. I had informed the court that I was pregnant so I could arrange trial scheduling, and then felt horrible when I had to say that I was no longer pregnant. To me, it felt that I had somehow failed to deliver the goods. One court clerk asked me if I fell, but that was it for explicit blaming. I remember bursting into tears (something the normal me would never, ever do) when my MIL offered me a seat and asked if I wanted to seat down during a baby shower for a family friend when I was 2 mos. into my 2nd preg. Somehow, in my mind, I assumed that she thought it was dangerous for me to be dancing, and then figured that she must blame me for the miscarriage.

[nonymouse]

Thank you for the link, JD. I posted it to my FB wall because this shouldn't be whispered about. I've had two miscarriages and a vanishing twin and would write more, but as you unfortunately know, it's... hard, for lack of a better word. Holding FJ-ers with similar experiences close in my heart.

[takers401]

I absolutely HATE "just adopt...you'll for sure get pregnant then" and "God has a plan". Adopting a child does buttkiss for being able to get pregnant and carry to term. It's like saying buy an apple and when you get home an orange will have magically appeared in your grocery bags. And if God's plan is to have miscarriage after miscarriage then God's plan sucks. So there.

[Aurora rising]

Oh yeah, God´s plan. I´m very religious and I believe He has a plan. But that doesn´t mean I´m not "allowed" to grieve.

The phrase I hate most is "Well, it was not meant to be!" - it´s always a woman who already has kids who saying this insensitive s***

[imokit]

My mum has had a lot of them after my birth. I know she faces a lot of family saying that she has other children and so it shouldn't matter as much.

Yes my mum loves me, and I'm fabulous :banana-linedance:

So are the twins she went on to have later.

It doesn't mean that any of the pregnancies she's lost don't hurt awfully. It doesn't negate the pain from having more miscarriages than children.

So please can we add "at least you already have a child" to the hateful things to say list :angelic-whiteflying: .

[TeaNCrackers]

FYI - my miscarriage doesn't count :?

When I was 12 weeks along with my son, I had a ruptured tubal. We had no idea at the time that I had one in the uterus and one in the tube until it ruptured. This necessitated an ambulance ride and emergency surgery and not knowing if the uterine pregnancy was going to make it for about a week.

I've been told that it doesn't really count since I got a healthy baby out if it. Also, it doesn't count because we didn't know about it. Huh!

Yep, I have a healthy nine year old, but I should have two, but it "doesn't matter". Sigh

[IrishCarrie]

What I found difficult about miscarriage was that after the initial week or two of sympathy, everyone assumed I'd be fine. And I played my part and acted fine but when I look back, I was physically unwell for many months. I think the hormonal implications are greatly underestimated and they linger, possibly at least as long as a full term pregnancy.

The second time I miscarried I didn't tell anyone. Anyone, even the dad. I felt like I'd be coping on my own anyway so what was the point?

Hugs to everyone who's been there :|

[maybeizfundie]

One of the things I learned was how different miscarriages can be, one from the next. My first one happened at 9 weeks, and the baby had died before then, but the miscarriage was comparable to my previous labors in terms of pain and contractions. It was hellacious and I hemorrhaged for a while at home before my mom came to help and saw what was going on and persuaded my husband to take me to get some assistance. My midwife was able to help and I didn't need surgery, but wow, that was awful. Then I had a molar pregnancy which was just :pink-shock: I found out when they did an ultrasound looking for a heartbeat and instead there was just a screen full of something that looked nothing like a baby should look at 13 weeks. And then finding out what consequences there might be, and then weekly reminders via bloodwork until my hcg finally went down to zero. And then finally an early miscarriage that was so confusing I needed bloodwork to verify that I'd ever been pregnant at all. It wasn't even comparable to a period. That one was harder to deal with emotionally because it was a miscarriage but it was hard to wrap my head around.

[maybeizfundie]

And yeah. My husband was an ass about it. He was moderately sympathetic for the first one, for about a day. Not interested, period, after that. To the point that if I cried he'd tell me to quit it, and if I said I lost a baby, he'd tell me "No, you didn't lose a baby."

One of many reasons divorce is coming up this July.

[FearLyss]

I can't even begin to imagine the pain many of you have experienced. My love and support to you all.

One thing I have learned is the importance of discussing it. I worked on a dementia unit. Decades ago ( and even still), it was common for women to be expected not to discuss miscarriages and still-births (or even the loss of an older child). There was shame behind it. Their feelings were stifled and suppressed, only to come out when they no longer could control it, as if it was just waiting below the surface. Several of the women on my unit relived those painful moments over and over, because they were never able to work through them and discuss them. Women, who would carry around bundles of blankets and spend hours rocking over them and crying. Women who would spend hours a day searching for their child. Women who would sit on the toilet and cry and worry about all of the (non-existent) blood. It was heart-breaking and taught me a lot about the pain that is involved in a miscarriage. I have had friends and family who had them, but until I saw the struggles of these wonderful women, I just had no idea the impact it could have.

These stories should never be censored. Miscarriages are sadly common, yet I hear so little about them. If somebody is willing able to speak, they should be able to and loved ones should listen and support.

edited...for many riffles, because vodka.

-

[polecat]

FYI - my miscarriage doesn't count :?

When I was 12 weeks along with my son, I had a ruptured tubal. We had no idea at the time that I had one in the uterus and one in the tube until it ruptured. This necessitated an ambulance ride and emergency surgery and not knowing if the uterine pregnancy was going to make it for about a week.

I've been told that it doesn't really count since I got a healthy baby out if it. Also, it doesn't count because we didn't know about it. Huh!

Yep, I have a healthy nine year old, but I should have two, but it "doesn't matter". Sigh

I'm sorry, TeaNCrackers. I had a heterotopic pregnancy, too. I found out around six weeks because I started spotting and had a history of repeat miscarriages. An ultrasound showed the "ring of fire" and a uterine pregnancy. It was truly one of the most nerve-wracking things. I was desperate not to lose both pregnancies (and I didn't). But I will say that loss didn't hit me nearly as hard as the other five losses. And I DO think that's because I had finally had two live births and was still pregnant with one baby. It doesn't mean I didn't grieve and I still think about the what-ifs even now. But I wasn't gutted the way I was with the other losses -- but that doesn't mean it didn't "count."

As for horrible things people say ... I could write a book. Of course it was God's will and the baby is in a better place and maybe I wasn't ready for it and maybe there was something wrong with it. But I also experienced the opposite -- women who would come to me and tell me about their own losses, women who would bring over meals so that I wouldn't have to cook if I didn't feel like it, friends who would insist on taking me out after work, etc. I will always be thankful for all the kindnesses because I was utterly wrapped up in the losses and borderline crazy with grief and hormones at some points. I don't know how they stood me.

*big hugs to all of you*

[2xx1xy1JD]

What I found difficult about miscarriage was that after the initial week or two of sympathy, everyone assumed I'd be fine. And I played my part and acted fine but when I look back, I was physically unwell for many months. I think the hormonal implications are greatly underestimated and they linger, possibly at least as long as a full term pregnancy.

The second time I miscarried I didn't tell anyone. Anyone, even the dad. I felt like I'd be coping on my own anyway so what was the point?

Hugs to everyone who's been there :|

That sounds like me.

I went back to work a week later (by coincidence, I had already booked the week off for a planned trip). I got colleagues asking how I was, I smiled and said I was fine, I through myself into my work, and then each afternoon I'd get in the car and spend about an hour crying. Every day. For months. I also wondered if I was going crazy, since I had no idea what was normal and since my mom, MIL and family doctor seemed utterly freaked out by my tears.

As for my husband - both my FIL and my dad told him that he should go ahead with the planned trip (a medical conference where he was supposed to present a poster), and not to worry since both sets of parents would take care of me. He was devastated by the loss as well, and feeling even less supported that I felt. He told our dads that he had no intention of going anywhere without me and that it was his loss too - which is why we are still married.