Seeing the worst in children

[oscar]

Christine at Smiles and Trials recently wrote about her youngest son's first day of school. He has some facial disfigurement, so the school alerted the other parents so they could prepare their children to meet him. Despite this, another kindergartener started crying when she saw him and needed to be removed from the situation. Later, she approached him and told him his teeth were messed up.

Christine reacted with disbelief at the little girl's cruelty, lack of maturity and absence of self-control.

Several commenters gently pointed out that it is possible that this little girl may have simply overreacted out of fear, and that her sensitivity and lack of tact might arise from special needs of her own.

smilesandtrials.blogspot.com/2011/08/kids-can-be-cruel.html

Now, I can totally understand Christine's mama-bear protectiveness for her little guy. But I wonder how much her fundie-lite background led her to ascribe the worst possible motivations to this little girl's words and actions. If one believes in total depravity, where all people are born into the world enslaved by sin, then one might be more likely to see children as malicious actors rather than innocent, inexperienced beings who have yet to learn what is good or bad.

Like everyone else here, I've long been horrified by the brutal "disciplinary" practices advocated by people like the Pearls. But if children are having the worst motivations ascribed to their innocent words and actions, it seems like that could be very hurtful even in the absence of overt abuse.

FJ, what's your take on this - does this idea stack up?

[Austin]

I think a five-year-old has far less ability to filter her reactions to conform to acceptable adult expectations. I feel sorry for the little boy. I really do. But because the little girl became upset at his difference doesn't mean she is an evil spawn. We joke about little kids just saying what's on their minds, but it is based on fact. A little kid may not think anything at all, or even mean anything at all, by saying to a person, "you're really fat", or "your hair looks funny", or "you smell bad". To them, these are just merely observations and they are not trying to be hurtful. For parents and teachers, these are teaching opportunities where you can explain to them why it is that we don't say those sorts of things to people, and to challenge them to put themselves in another's shoes.

The ability to empathize in this way is not necessarily natural and must be taught over a period of years.

[Mellon]

Now, I can totally understand Christine's mama-bear protectiveness for her little guy. But I wonder how much her fundie-lite background led her to ascribe the worst possible motivations to this little girl's words and actions. If one believes in total depravity, where all people are born into the world enslaved by sin, then one might be more likely to see children as malicious actors rather than innocent, inexperienced beings who have yet to learn what is good or bad.

I think I have to agree there. I might not be a mom, but I work with kids in a hospital setting, many of whom have their own problems to deal with let alone the problems of others. But in the end, they're children. It boils down to not knowing better when they say or do something unkind, particularly in regards to medical conditions. Yes, the little girl's parents SHOULD have spoken to her about this little boy who seems adorable and full of life - but they didn't, and not being able to deal with what she saw is NOT her fault. A lot of the kids I work with have been in and out of hospitals (unfortunately) many times, so they've become accustomed to certain sights and sounds - but to a small kid who has no experience, it CAN be scary.

Not only do I feel bad for her son, but I also feel bad for the little girl, who was clearly frightened and could possibly get in trouble for having reacted the way she did. Mama-bear instincts are fine, but I feel like, as an adult, you gotta take a step back and think, well, that is someone else's baby, and what she felt was a normal human emotion, and maybe there's something I could do to help teach her that my son is just like everyone else, and that people who look different are not necessarily bad.

[turquoise]

posted too soon--sorry!

[Witsec6]

Having seen pictures of the boy, I wonder if the girl's parents did talk to her, but she still wasn't prepared. He is a little scary looking for me, and I lived in an intentional community designed around people with special needs.

However, I don't think the mom's response is about her religion. Mama Bear, plain and simple.

[turquoise]

I agree that it takes time for young kids to learn what is going to be hurtful to another person and what is not, and to understand why some people may look or act differently. It's possible the girl's parents didn't explain the situation ahead of time, but it's also possible they tried and were not successful. I really feel badly for the little boy in this situation, and I understand a mom's protective instincts, but I imagine the girl just wasn't at the stage yet where she would know better.

When one of my sons was in kindergarten, a few children from a special ed. class would spend part of the day with the mainstream children. One of them was nonverbal, and couldn't do much more than grunt. He didn't seem to be a behavior problem, just different from the other kids. Unfortunately my son was scared of this child. I tried to explain his situation and to encourage my son to feel empathy, rather than fear, but it took some time.

And yes, more generally, the fundie-lite people I know do ascribe the worst possible motive to their kids' misbehavior. They are quick to label their kids "manipulative" for normal little-kid behavior. If their child is doing something undesirable, the first reaction is to give some sort of punishment. They think if you're not giving out some kind of punishments, you're spoiling your kids.

[Terrie]

I see it as pure Mama-Bear, rather than a religion thing. She's looking at the situation purely as "Someone hurt my kid!" I don't think she even thought about why the other child might respond in a negative manner.

[CelticGoddess]

I think the 5 year old was just not old enough to understand. My son was born with a cleft lip/palate and a linear sebaceous nevus (on his face and head). Our neighbor came by to see him and bring a gift. Her 6yo saw my son and said "I don't like the baby, he's ugly". She was mortified. I laughed. Because at that age, I don't expect a child to know that you just blurt out those things. I do expect adults to not say things like that (and i had an adult tell her teen daughter that my son was the result of my taking drugs during my pregnancy. C. wanted to kill her!)

Children learn as they get older and if they are exposed to children with special needs, it is more likely they can learn more empathy. Especially if the parents are empathetic. That is my take.

ETA: I think moms reaction is pure knee jerk. I used to be very protective of my son. He is now 11 and I am still protective (he is autistic) but not as much as I used to be. I saw his picture, I think he's cute (I am used to children with facial deformities due to my work with a non-profit) but others might see him as scary. I think mom was just being mama bear and it was knee jerk. It easy!

[Oddeverything]

I see it as pure Mama-Bear, rather than a religion thing. She's looking at the situation purely as "Someone hurt my kid!" I don't think she even thought about why the other child might respond in a negative manner.

I agree. I can't fault her for her reaction. I don't see religion in it at all. My first impulse would not have been to worry over the mental state of the little girl who freaked out because she looked at my son. I would be solely worried about what happened to my son, his reactions, and the toll her reaction took on him. Yeah, kids can't reason like adults but outside of making sure that nothing bad happened to them in my direct sight, worrying about another kid's mental state when my own kid's mental state is taking a beating would not be a concern to me.