"You're not asexual, look at those hips!"

[Trynn]

I don't see why people think this man is so godly. He's an outright asshole if you don't fit a certain mold. Basically --we'll call him Pastor S, even though he's not really a pastor, he just sorta functions as one for the student group-- and I were talking, and I was telling him about this one guy I met this one time who, the first day we met, insisted on rubbing my feet, and then looked at me like *I* was the strange one when I told him to stop.

Pastor S: You know, you're rather princessy; he just couldn't help himself, when he saw you, he just had to rub the feet of the princess.

me (In head): excuse me? first of all that's not true, second off, I think it was more because he was a complete douchbag.

Then pastor S made a joke along the lines of, "but you refused him, because you only date Princes."

That could be taken one of 2 ways... either I have high standards and only date men of good character, or I'm just a super picky diva. I decided I didn't want to go into it, so I just said, "I don't date at all, I'm asexual."

Pastor S: No you're not

Me: why do you say that?

Pastor S: look at you, look at those hips. Those hips are for childbearing, you were created to bear children.

I was speechless, and of course everybody laughed like Pastor S had said something funny. Fortunately he was about to walk out the door, and I told him he'd better leave if he didn't want me to say words he didn't want to hear. you know, words like "asshole" "bastard" and "go to hell."

Seriously, this man has a daughter? I feel sorry for her! I'm just so angry. It's like these people don't believe in asexuality, nevermind the fact that Paul said some people have the gift of singleness.

But no; my body LOOKS like it's capable of producing children (I have no idea if it actually is or not, never had fertility tests done, fertility issues aren't always apparent, never had sex, etc.) means that that's what I was created for? Means that's what I'm going to do?

I'm a woman capable of bearing children (theoretically) so I have to marry a man? Fuck you pastor S, just fuck you with a knife on the way to hell!

And fuck the rest of your idiots who laughed like he said something clever and have told me at other times tha you don't believe I'm asexual. Fuck you all to!

Where's that fire smiley when I want it?

[linnea27]

Douchebag.

[RachelB]

:shock:

Ugh. What an inappropriate thing to say to you, and in front of other people. Whom you date or don't date is none of his business, and not material for humor at your expense. (And that wasn't a "joke," either, unless the "punchline" is that asexual people exist.)

I'm really sorry he thought that, let alone said it.

[RosyDaisy]

Very creepy.

[Bookworm]

Argh, so sorry you had to deal with that! :disgust: What a jerk. My sister is ace and has only told a couple people, one of which started trying to set her up on dates right away. It was bizarre.

[Savoring Samsara]

Ugh. Saying "You're not asexual, look at those hips" is like telling someone "Of course you must like basketball, look at how tall you are." I wish people would understand that just because someone might have an innate capacity to do something doesn't mean they have to do it. Free will: still a thing, no matter how much some fundies might wish that it weren't.

[ILoveJellybeans]

I think I get where he went wrong. I guess his confusion was between sex (whether your body is physically male or female) and sexual attraction/having sex. Maybe he thought asexual meant someone who was neither male or female, instead of someone who doesnt experience sexual attraction.

It does feel kinda wrong to say that someones hips are for childbearing and that women were created to bear children. Yes, women have different hips to men, and that allows for pregnancy and childbirth, but just cause someone has hips, doesnt mean they are created to give birth. Infertile people still have hips, and so do asexuals, lesbians and people who just dont want to get pregnant.

A guy you just met wanted to rub your feet???? Thats really strange...

[idonthaveajname]

Gross and inappropriate.

[Talitha Cumi]

When a person touches another person without permission, no one should make excuses for why that person couldn't help touching. Strange how it's always a man making an excuse for another man touching a woman, huh? :think:

[crazyforkate]

That is disgusting! Even if you're the most fertile person on Earth, you do not owe it to the world to put that to use! Not to mention that asexuality has no bearing on whether you decide to have kids or not. Kick him in the butt for me one day.

[Pearl]

What a moron! Some people are awful. They think that they have the right to run other people's lives. How nice of him to explain away a type of sexual assault (I think people touching someone without permission is sexual assault) just because someone is pretty. Really - guess the guy couldn't help himself - what a wonderful headship he'd make (insert vomit here). I hate people who do this. I hate it with a 1000 suns. I very rarely (and only if I'm really super duper comfortable) ask people about their sexuality, whether they want to get married, or have kids, or whatever. And whatever the answer the person gives me is good enough for me. Really Pastor S - STFU. And the people in your group need to STFU.

[Trynn]

I think the "he wanted to rub the feet of a princess" thing was meant to be taken as a joke and not seriously, but I still dislike the attitude.

It didn't even occur to me to think about why he was looking at my hips. For pete's sake, I was wearing really baggy silk pajamas that don't even show my body shape. And on top, I was wearing an oversize hoodie. Yeah, I looked VERY sexy. Not. (Not that it would matter if I was, I'm just pointing this out so people will realize that it doesn't matter how you are dressed, but of course I'm preaching to the choir here.)

Fortunately, Pastor S has been "led by God" to move to California next year, so this won't be a factor in whether or not I decide to leave the group.

Even though the people in my group laughed and you're right, they do need to shut up, it's hard because I know they love me and care about me. I've learned that people can have the stupidest beliefs, but still care about you. And that's... odd for me, as I struggle with black and white thinking.

CrazyforKate--exactly! I do want to have kids one day, but I'm undecided as to how I'll do it. Are there options for those who don't wish to have sex to get pregnant?

Ilovejellybeans--that's true. Maybe he was just misinformed, but in that case I still wouldn't comment on a person's hips...

Really, I'm not even THAT curvy. I'm just curvy for someone my size.

[crazyforkate]

CrazyforKate--exactly! I do want to have kids one day, but I'm undecided as to how I'll do it. Are there options for those who don't wish to have sex to get pregnant?

I know an asexual couple and, though they might have used some kind of reproductive technology, I'm pretty sure their kids were born from "Lie back and think of England" sex - which came to an end as soon as there was a conception. Obviously not an option for everyone, but they viewed it differently from the way most couples would view sex - a dull/mildly unpleasant task in order to have something they really wanted, like practicing parking to get your driver's license or something. But artificial insemination works too, right?

[MamaJunebug]

Dear OP, pls get away from "pastor" and his ignorant band.

Anyone who excuses mild unwanted behavior will do the same for major crimes.

Run fast, run far!

[snarkyjan]

You should not have even felt required to declare or explain your asexuality. The guy was invading your space and questioning your right to decide who you would/would not admit within your comfort zone. You don't owe these asshats an explanation, simply not wanting to be bothered or pawed is reason enough.

[SamuraiKatz]

Please turn this clown in! He's an abuser. The biggest pervs hide in church settings...

[Trynn]

I already said he's leaving soon...

Problem is, I also identify as aromantic. I have no desire for a romantic relationship at all...