Dear Fundie Penthouse Forum

[icecreamycakeycake]

FIRST ENCOUNTER: The Marriage bed

DW and I were both total virgins at our wedding nearly 13years ago. Our reception and dances went into the evening. After our reception we had to drive 2 hours to the hotel near the Detroit airport. I remember the moon being huge on the drive. We got to the hotel, checked in and got information on the shuttle busses in the morning, and went to the room. Helped her get her hair untied from all the bobby pins and wraps and bands and stuff in it.

DW and I were both nervous. Once DW came out of our bedroom in her nightgown, we went and sat on the bed. Took turns undressing each other. We were both in awe as we saw each others bodies naked for the first time. I was totally taken with her I remember saying "So THAT'S what you look like!" and when she saw me, she literally said "wow, thats big". Anyway, for me it was instant erection. I had no erection problems, except that mine wouldn't go away. I ended up MB'ing for her so she could see how my plumbing worked.

I gave her a manual orgasm in the jacuzzi, but that was a bit of a mistake. The water was a little too hot, and she nearly passed out.

When it came to love making we gave it a go after about 45 minutes of exploring. I recall the feeling of being like a loaded riffle waiting to discharge all through the night as we held each other and our excitment began to give way to frustration, and now fear on DW's part. My heart bled as she worried she may be imperforate and incapable of giving me the pleasure she so much desired to provide as a wife.

It was the strangest feeling. I could literally tell I was forging new ground. I could feel her body receiving me as if I were stretching her (hard to explain). Amazingly, I lasted as long as we desired to. I couldn't believe it, but it's true. I think it was because I had educated myself about the PC muscle. We'd previously had a discussion about the discrepancy between my size and hers (her OB/GYN had warned us that first intercourse would be difficult It was frustrating. Things didn't seem to line up perfectly and this bit over here kept getting in the way of that bit over there, and why the heck can't I get in? So we took a break for a while, tried again. Got further in, but still didn't feel right. It felt like I was trying to put my lil fellow through one of those milk rings or something. Things were tight and unyielding and really kind of uncomfortable for me. We kept trying and trying after little 20-30minute naps, and finally it kinda worked. The Lord had graciously provided to give DW a painless slow and gentle digital stretching of her hymen until there was enough room for my slim member to finally enter into it's rest. It didn't last more than a few thrusts(certainly less than a minute) before I had my first O. Despite not having an O, DW was overjoyed that she had finally delivered her chastity to her DH.

And honestly, even though it was a hassle and awkward, "popping" her was such a feeling of accomplishment.

I lovingly followed her to the bathroom and what an overwhelming joy when shared as she felt a blob drop off her body into the closet.It was the bleeding remains of the membrane which she had so carefully guarded her chastity for many years, but was no longer required now that she had exchanged the vows to share all she had with the love of her life. Up until this day DW breaks out in a smile when I lovingly tease her about how she relentlessly encouraged me to try again until indeed the veil gave way.She tells me it was dream come true to share the innocence of her beautiful body with no other, but the man she had vowed to love and cherish all her life.

[formergothardite]

:? None of that happened. Do people on that forum really believe half that crap or is it one of those things that they all know? Reading through that and people talking about months to finally get sex to work, that is some crazy there.

[racheepoo]

Fundies don't dance.

[doggie]

This is as true as Jesus riding dinosaurs.

[icecreamycakeycake]

This is a compilation of exerpts from this thread...

http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/vi ... 28&t=49044

[Rachel333]

Wow, I thought that was a parody, but it's not.

Blech.

[formergothardite]

Fundies don't dance.

Depends on the fundies. The crazy fundies who married off their 15 year old to a 27 year old had tons of dancing in their wedding.

I got sucked into reading some of those threads and it appears that fundies have tons of trouble in bed (if any of this is true, which I rather doubt it). Reading that forum makes you not want to be a virgin bride.

[celestial]

Fundies don't dance.

The In a Shoe people do. I think they're Reformed. I think the Vision Forum types are generally ok with (some forms of) dancing, while the ATIers are against all dancing. Could totally be wrong about that, though.

[tankgirl]

I like that his size goes from HUGE to SLIM to LITTLE. Seriously that is one of the silliest reads in a while. I wonder if the only sex talk fundie gals get is, "tell him how big he is no matter what" and "be pleased if he gets a few thrusts in before the grand finale".

[alphaeta08]

Oh jeez, again with the "riffle." Is that how it's spelled in SOTDRT workbooks? Can't comment on anything else, too busy vomiting.

[longskirtlotsakids]

BWAhAHAHA!!!! THE LORD GRACIOUSLY STRETCHED HER HYMEN!

Jesus fuck, reading this shit makes me happy I am an atheist...

[muffynbear]

OMFG that forum is hilarious and disturbing at the same time. Like, really? You don't know how to kiss? For reals? Hahaha. Maybe I'm just an ebil heathen, but kissing isn't that hard to figure out. Yes, I know they're virgins and all, but wow.

[ADoyle90815]

That forum is both hilarious and creepy at the same time. I almost wonder if some of their parents told them sex was "like Legos."

[Sola]

FIRST ENCOUNTER: The Marriage bed

DW and I were both total virgins at our wedding nearly 13years ago........ snipping fundie first time fanfiction

Which is basically what it is. There is no way that is true, it reads like erotic fiction. If it did happen the post author has seriously embellished it, but I really doubt anything happened like that.

I love how all of the men are HUGE and the women are TINY and OHMYGAWDYOUCAN'TPUTTHATINTHEREITSTOOHUGE!!

Yep, every fundie man has a ten incher and every fundie woman is tight with a hymen made of thick rubber!

[Deleted12]

Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds

John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."

"I'm so glad we waited until we got married—it made it so much more special," said the 26-year-old Linda, who is "pretty sure" John's penis penetrated her vaginal opening during the brief, fumbling lovemaking session. "I can't imagine what a letdown our first sexual experience would have been if we'd done it at some point during our five years of dating."

John, 27, agreed. "As I prepared, sweat-drenched and terror-struck, to insert my semi-erect penis into my petrified new bride, I couldn't help but think what a precious, magical moment it was. Then, as Linda started to cry out from the anticipation of pain from the first-ever breaching of her tightly constricted vaginal walls, a tear of joy streamed down my cheek."

According to the devout Lutherans, after retiring to their bridal suite at the Charleston Marriott East, Linda decided to initiate the evening of romance and dread by excusing herself to the bathroom, where she spent "approximately an hour" changing into the floor-length cotton nightgown she had purchased especially for the occasion.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/horrib ... -the,1614/

[debrand]

One thing that I've noticed is that most of those guys give their new brides an orgasim on their first night together. Maybe I was weird but it took me awhile before I relaxed enough sexually for a guy to give me an orgasim. It had nothing to do with my level of enjoyment. I liked sex and it felt wonderful, don't get me wrong. I just didn't have an orgasim during sex.

I find it difficult to believe that almost every single man on that board has a huge penis and were able to also give their virginal brides an orgasim the very first time.

More proof that when it comes to sex, fundies lie.

[doggie]

Hell neither one may not even now where her clit is but he managed with his hand to do the job the first time. I say bull it takes practice even in mutual masturbation to do it right. when at least one and maybe both have never done it themselves.

[fundiefan]

One thing that I've noticed is that most of those guys give their new brides an orgasim on their first night together. Maybe I was weird but it took me awhile before I relaxed enough sexually for a guy to give me an orgasim. It had nothing to do with my level of enjoyment. I liked sex and it felt wonderful, don't get me wrong. I just didn't have an orgasim during sex.

I find it difficult to believe that almost every single man on that board has a huge penis and were able to also give their virginal brides an orgasim the very first time.

More proof that when it comes to sex, fundies lie.

Yeah, funny how that is for non-fundies. We admit and acknowledge and accept that sex isn't magic from the word go. And it takes time and experience and practice to know yourself and your partner and how you work together. But, I suppose fundies are divinely blessed and mind blowing sex from the word go is one of those special blessings from god.

[AnnoDomini]

Something good that came out of that place. Fundy penthouse!

[doggie]

if it was not so late in life it almost makes me want to turn into a fundy if I could have those perfect sexual encounters every time.

[ilovetchotchkes]

TMI QUESTION: I gotta ask, how common is it REALLY to bleed the 1st time. I didn't. And from what I hear, your hymen can be torn from the following things: tampons(probably not fundie approved), horseback riding, gymnastics, BIKE RIDING, or even, a pap smear!

[Shirley MacLaine]

One thing that I've noticed is that most of those guys give their new brides an orgasim on their first night together. Maybe I was weird but it took me awhile before I relaxed enough sexually for a guy to give me an orgasim. It had nothing to do with my level of enjoyment. I liked sex and it felt wonderful, don't get me wrong. I just didn't have an orgasim during sex.

.

Yeah, I mean, it has to be bullshit in at least half the cases claimed. Faking it is a lie, fundie ladies! Jesus is very upset.

[Beb]

Are you kiddin' me?!? :lol:

Not only is it a sin to be sexually active before marriage, it is immodest and sinful to talk about such things, especially in such graphic detail.

Why.....it makes me blush. :oops: :oops:

[fundiefan]

TMI QUESTION: I gotta ask, how common is it REALLY to bleed the 1st time. I didn't. And from what I hear, your hymen can be torn from the following things: tampons(probably not fundie approved), horseback riding, gymnastics, BIKE RIDING, or even, a pap smear!

No clue about stats or probability but I didn't bleed either, and it didn't hurt. It also did nothing for me in any other way. I was a gymnast, at the high school level, and I used tampons and rode a bike. Could be why, but who knows? About a year before the big deed, I crash landed on the beam, straddling it. Broke my tail bone. Smashed myself up. Maybe that did something, although it was never mentioned when with the doc or in physical therapy and there was no bleeding involved in the injury or treatment. The only person I remember talking about the matter with, my best friend who had lost her virginity a few months before I did, had the same lack of, um...anything.

[NurseNell]

TMI QUESTION: I gotta ask, how common is it REALLY to bleed the 1st time. I didn't. And from what I hear, your hymen can be torn from the following things: tampons(probably not fundie approved), horseback riding, gymnastics, BIKE RIDING, or even, a pap smear!

I didn't either and I don't know anyone who did. I'm sure I did it with my first tampon use, uffda! :oops: I was a freshman in nursing school. One of my classmates who'd been using tampons for years told the rest of us we really needed to try them. So I did, just before getting in her car to ride 90 miles to visit her parent's for the weekend. It was an OB brand, the kind that don't have an applicator. Well, I was in sheer agony for that entire ride and near tears. The first thing I did at her parent's was use the BR to remove that instrument of terror and use a pad. It was a few more years before I tried again, after which I never went back to pads.