When Your Daughter is Grown but Unmarried

[FloraDoraDolly]

This answers some of the "what if" questions that I've seen floating around here. But basically, the way this author writes about grown women and making plans for their future is very much akin to something I might read on a forum for parents of severely disabled adult children.

http://www.unlessthelordmagazine.com/ar ... _grown.htm

I don't know anything about this site or the author, BTW. I just stumbled upon it while searching for something else and thought y'all would be interested.

[holierthanyou]

My mother just cries and asks us what she did wrong that we are not married.

[valsa]

In the Bible we see daughters generally remaining in their father's home until marriage, continuing to be supported and protected by him until another man assumes that role as her husband. There is nothing I find indicating it would be a sin to send your daughter away to school, just principles that point to it often being unwise, exposing her to temptations and dangers that would be better to avoid.

Yeah, can't have your daughter realizing that women nowadays have the right to be more than just a brood mare for Jesus.

[finleeport]

I wonder what happens to unmarried daughters or sons in Quiverfull/Vision Forum? what do they say about spinsters and bachelors? and what does VF even teach about kids with disabilities?

[Rowan]

I know of no direct Biblical instruction telling fathers and mothers precisely what they should do in this instance

Maybe because there ISN'T one? And this whole concept is made up by a couple of asshole men on power trips?

[clarinetpower]

Nor does this seem the best way to reinforce a commitment to being a "keeper" or "worker" at home after marriage. Along with its hardships and dangers, the working world also offers an allurement of more money, independence, status, competition with men, acceptance and respect from the world, etc.

:doh: :headdesk:

(we should totally have a headdesk smilie)

[ThreeCatsAndCounting]

Huh... I'm 49 and unmarried (by choice, let me add). I was a children's librarian for many years, had a number of relationships, traveled all over England, Europe, Canada, and the US by myself and with friends as well as doing a semester in London, just for a start...

...but the article's author thinks I should have stayed at home, cutting old people's toenails and fingernails for free. :roll: :evil:

BTW, hello all!

[Deleted07]

This actually reminds me of something I saw on a blog of a young girl... She said she was a "Stay At Home Daughter" and it was the first time I had ever heard that term!!! I've heard Stay At Home Mom, but never 'Stay at Home Daughter!' . I just guffawed at it and shook my head...

[valsa]

Perhaps someone who knows more about ancient culture can correct me but I thought multi-generational homes were the norm back in the time and culture of the Bible. Wouldn't it make sense for unmarried daughters (and sons) to stay at home with their parents back then, simply because they would have stayed with them even if they were married? Granted, I think the general rule of thumb is that daughters go to live with their husband's families while sons stay within their families of origin (at least that's usually the way it is in that part of the world today)

[Guest Anonymous]

Huh... I'm 49 and unmarried (by choice, let me add). I was a children's librarian for many years, had a number of relationships, traveled all over England, Europe, Canada, and the US by myself and with friends as well as doing a semester in London, just for a start...

...but the article's author thinks I should have stayed at home, cutting old people's toenails and fingernails for free. :roll: :evil:

BTW, hello all!

THIS, squared!

[GatorGutCasserole]

Huh... I'm 49 and unmarried (by choice, let me add). I was a children's librarian for many years, had a number of relationships, traveled all over England, Europe, Canada, and the US by myself and with friends as well as doing a semester in London, just for a start...

...but the article's author thinks I should have stayed at home, cutting old people's toenails and fingernails for free. :roll: :evil:

BTW, hello all!

You should have known better than that. Enjoying your life and seeing the world? What gives? YES you should have stayed home and do the dirtiest work to punish yourself in this life too before you earn your eternal damnation. ;)

BTW, hello and hello to the kitties too! (love'm)

[anniebgood]

My daughter is 22 (prime fundie marriage age) and she's got a bucket list. One where marriage is far down the line.

She's getting a map and she's going to mark all the countries she's been to in one color and all the countries she wants to go to in another.

She is bright and funny. She's going to an all girl party tomorrow night because they don't have dates and they don't want to stay home with their folks and watch Dick Clark.

She's fun to have around. Bakes like a dream, has a wicked sense of humor and makes my life a lot brighter. When she moves to Chicago in a few years, I'll have to get a bigger monitor so we can face time.

[kpmom]

Ugh! What an article. I know this shouldn't surprise me, but not one mention of talking to your grown daughter about what *she* might want to do. What is the purpose of raising kids anyway if you're just going to continue to make their decisions for them?

[vermonter]

This is just so incredibly sad to me. I've been reading FJ for a year and a half, and have been interested in fundie stuff for a lot longer, but sometimes it hits you, y'know. For some reason, the framing of this article just really brings it home to me... when marriage and children is your only and ultimate goal, you really do have to figure out an alternate plan "when your daughter is grown but unmarried." It just baffles me, and is so, so depressing- I just graduated from college in May, and though the job market sucks and I'm terrified of so many things, I'm also exhilarated- I have so many things going for me, so many plans and possibilities- graduate school, working abroad, running for office someday, starting a bakery- and so many things I've already done, and getting married and having children is just part of that. It makes me so incredibly sad for these girls and women who literally have no other viable options (often thanks to SOTDRT).

[crawfishgirl]

That article is so ridiculous and insulting. I remember when I was in college, I still lived with my parents to save money (fortunately my state's main public university was in the same city). At one point, my father told me that he didn't really know why he bothered sending me to college, since I would just end up getting married, having kids and quitting my job. He just didn't see the value in sending his daughter to college. I remember that I was so angry that I let out a primal scream - I wasn't even able to speak words, I was so mad. He continued to help with the tuition payments anyway, which is fortunate for both of us, since I didn't get married until I was 35, and he would not have enjoyed supporting me...... But until I was laid-off a few months back, I have been working since I was 16, and I have options due to my education. I feel so sorry for these SAHD's - their options are really limited.

[browngrl]

:doh: :headdesk:

(we should totally have a headdesk smilie)

...because more money, independence, status and respect are bad things?!

We definitely need a head desk smilie

edited to add: welcome threecatsandcouting

[clarinetpower]

OK, I had to dig.

You really must go read this guy's story--it will blow your mind with the clusterf*ckery.

wwwDOTunlessthelordmagazine.com/articles/ourstory1.htm

wwwDOTunlessthelordmagazine.com/articles/ourstory2.htm

wwwDOTunlessthelordmagazine.com/articles/ourstory3.htm

wwwDOTunlessthelordmagazine.com/articles/ourstory4.htm

wwwDOTunlessthelordmagazine.com/articles/ourstory6.htm

BTW, I don't know what happened to p. 5, but he does sum it up in p. 6.

I love how he sponges off his parents for YEARS while having 4 kids he can't afford. Oh, and he says girls shouldn't go to college, but that's where he met his wife. And he was rejected for seminary.

It's kind of like one of those Lifetime movies. Except not quite so intelligently written. :roll:

I feel so sorry for his kids.

[doggie]

These people don't live in bibilical times. daughters married young it was very unsafe for woman back then. We do not live in biliblical times daughters don't have to hide at home. solder don't rape them they are not sold into slavery/marrage. So get the fuck straight and use your brain when you read the bible.

[ChunkyBarbie]

I can't get past suggesting that a SAHD can minister through cutting the toenails of old people. Please God, don't let Steve Maxwell read this!!

[little zoo]

I have a severely disabled brother. He is 24 years old, but is mentally between 2 and 3 years old. My parents asked themselves very similar questions when they applied for adult legal guardianship. But he's disabled and absolutely unable to care for himself! That's what I wanted to scream while reading that article. Why are parents limiting their adult daughters' options like that? She could do anything in the world!

[JesusFightClub]

A lifetime of cooking, cleaning, serving, serving, SERVING...I felt bitterly sorry for the poor young women trapped into this. If it was their choice, that is one thing and quite valid. But the article makes it clear that their choice doesn't even figure in the decision.

I have a quite messy, chaotic life. But I can do whatever I want. I can get up tomorrow and apply for a job in Saudi Arabia or Rwanda (teaching credentials, oh the ebil learning) or I can get up and go to the shop and buy Pepsi. I can get arrested on a demo or put on my sharpest suit and interview at a bank. I can go to the zoo or tidy my room and scrub the toilet.

Point being, choices. I have all of them in the world and they have none, and it is pitifully sad they have to live like that. That anyone has to.

[GatorGutCasserole]

I had lived, I mean really, really lived until I got married. I travelled, I lived in several countries. Loved it. Jealous peole told me I have an unsettled life - damn right. They told me - oh you cannot cuddle up to your husband at night - no, I spooned up to my lover or told them to get the fuck home 'after'. Then I had something to eat and watched a movie without anyone pestering me. I did not have to clean their shit. When I remain alone for whatever reasons, I already gave society part of what it expects of me, I married a man. But after this... if I shall remain alone... I will for sure remain alone. For sure. I will get back to my old lifestyle - minus the lovers, IDK anymore, I much rather prefer a good book with some mackaroons on the side. I want my piece, quiet and my 8 cats. I'll tell everyone that 'I'm still hartbroken over my husband' and maybe they will stay out of my face. I will have my reasons : ) And: defo no servitude.

[Deleted07]

I had lived, I mean really, really lived until I got married. I travelled, I lived in several countries. Loved it. Jealous peole told me I have an unsettled life - damn right. They told me - oh you cannot cuddle up to your husband at night - no, I spooned up to my lover or told them to get the fuck home 'after'. Then I had something to eat and watched a movie without anyone pestering me. I did not have to clean their shit. When I remain alone for whatever reasons, I already gave society part of what it expects of me, I married a man. But after this... if I shall remain alone... I will for sure remain alone. For sure. I will get back to my old lifestyle - minus the lovers, IDK anymore, I much rather prefer a good book with some mackaroons on the side. I want my piece, quiet and my 8 cats. I'll tell everyone that 'I'm still hartbroken over my husband' and maybe they will stay out of my face. I will have my reasons : ) And: defo no servitude.

I hear you there!!! I'm at the stage where my friends are starting to marry and have babies and such, I get the whole 'oh you'll find someone someday!"..... erm scuse me but I really don't freaking care about finding someone!!! I don't want kids and most men irritate me! Then I get there whole 'oh you'll change your mind someday, when you meet that ONE guy!" it just really irks me that people say that, like you need a man to be happy... A man can be a bachelor his whole life and never gets questioned, but a woman to be a bachelorette and stay that way, oh there MUST be something WRONG with her! :evil:

[Burris]

The author is so self-assured: He thinks he has answered every objection to his ridiculous ideology, offering a pathway through most potential crises.

A woman is widowed? Why, then, she and her umpteen kids can move back home with her parents - or, if she's older, she can burden her grown children with additional financial responsibilities even though she is physically and mentally capable of supporting herself. Yeah - that sounds realistic. (Aside: Has this guy never read the Book of Ruth?)

Divorce? Pfft. That almost never happens to good Christians, so why worry about it!

He also has a "best before" date in mind for women: God forbid they not marry before the age of 25, when their fundie marketability apparently decreases. Hymen intact or not, a woman's value seems to be linked almost wholly to her capacity for bearing children, so each year that passes without her marrying means one less arrow for the potential husband's quiver.

And that's all this is really about for these fundies: Dynastic ambition.

Women don't even exist as helpmates, despite all that rhetoric to the contrary. If fundies like this guy actually believed all the helpmate stuff, then women would be encouraged to attend college and match their skills against those of a potential husband. Hell, a fundie woman needn't even achieve a comparable degree for such a relationship to work in the husband's favor: A nurse could marry a doctor, a legal assistant could marry a lawyer, etc.

But nooooo.

Women in that subculture are raised to be interchangeable, since all of them are trained only as lifeless ciphers without any individualized skills. Their sole duty is to get with a men and then conform themselves to the desires of their spouses, all while producing as many children as humanly possible.

That kind of early conditioning is not conducive to life as a helpmate; it's training for life as a doormat.

That whole article is about what to do with human doormats who, for whatever reason, never found buyers.

[GatorGutCasserole]

No because one woman should serve 5 ppl per capita in average. If you drop out, 5 lazy people have to clean, cook, do the laundry for themselves and someone or some people have to use their right hand at nights.

I know the 'zere mus b stg wrong' part, this is why I'll come up with the 'I'm heartbroken forever' stuff. Wear black in public and a crucifix in my neck. I will go through all this shit, all it takes but I won't be Ofsomebody ever anymore. And I have a life where I don't even have to clean, cook if I don't want to. I am very grateful for the good person I found. There are women out there with really, really bad lives so I think I am an ungrateful little twat : ) Still, there's nothing better than an empty house and me. Sorry. I cannot accomodate myself to anyone. That software hadn't been installed when I was made : )