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Article about purity culture and how damaging it is


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https://www.elle.com/culture/books/a23080420/growing-up-evangelical-purity-movement-linda-kay-klein-pure/

This time I posted the link first, so I don't forget like the last time!

This is a very interesting read and it explains quite a bit.  It's a short interview with Linda Kay Klein about the book she wrote regarding the purity culture.

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On ‎9‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 9:01 PM, Satan'sFortress said:

This interview was very good, about 45 minutes for anyone looking to carve out some time. I hope the book picks up steam and many SAHD and women 2nd generation (duggars, bates, etc) read it and have some light bulb moments. Let alone the "regular" evangelical mega churches around that preach the same damn thing.

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I listened too - worth the time, for anyone interested in the topic. (Parallels to DPIAT, VF, etc. are noteworthy.)

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I've started reading the book because my pastor wanted someone to discuss it with once she reads it. My marriage ministry experience supports much of what the author says about the effects of purity culture. I grew up in a liberal church with liberal parents so didn't grow up in the purity culture, but I did have some purity culture stuff brush up against me from friends in other churches. (What Sarah Bessey describes in this article parallels my experience.)

I look forward to the conversation with my pastor. She grew up in another country but raised her adult and nearly-adult children in the US, so it will be interesting to hear her insight.

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I want to know, how do you do this right as a parent? I wasn't brought up in the purity culture either, but i certainly didn't have a healthy view of sex. And had experiences that I wouldn't want my pen children to repeat. Which is partly why at least initially (when my children were little and I hadn't known anyone personally who courted) the whole purity and courting thing felt like a better option. My older kids were raised with it. We left the church when some of my kids were teens so they were definitely influenced by it. 

But I still have girls at home. What do you do? How do you find a balance of sex is good, but not right now, or not with this person or whatever?

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31 minutes ago, Anonymousguest said:

I want to know, how do you do this right as a parent? I wasn't brought up in the purity culture either, but i certainly didn't have a healthy view of sex. And had experiences that I wouldn't want my pen children to repeat. Which is partly why at least initially (when my children were little and I hadn't known anyone personally who courted) the whole purity and courting thing felt like a better option. My older kids were raised with it. We left the church when some of my kids were teens so they were definitely influenced by it. 

But I still have girls at home. What do you do? How do you find a balance of sex is good, but not right now, or not with this person or whatever?

Communication is very important, I think.  I always made a point to keep the lines of communication open with my daughter, we had our normal "teenage" moments but we have always had a fairy good relationship and I think the fact that we always tried to talk things out and still do talk things out has a lot to do with it.

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That is an excellent question.  I didn't grow up in the purity culture, but I was raised in a fairly strict Catholic home.  And to be honest, a lot of that interview gave me chills because I shared a lot of her feelings about sexuality.  The thing is, though, my family never really talked about sex at all, after "The Talk", that is. 

It is so odd, from one extreme of having purity drilled  into you to the other extreme of not talking about it at all (but still having the Catholic expectation that "Mary was a virgin when she was married, so you should be too"---this from an actual homily given by a priest---on Christmas Day, no less). When I started dating, I had no idea how far was too far, I felt guilty about everything I did, and dealt with a lot of confusion and shame. 

So, I echo the post above---communication is really important.  I am a mom of two boys and  have been very open with them about sexual topics--to the point that I really no longer find it embarrassing (and they seem fairly comfortable, too).  I have talked to them about their responsibilities, making sure that both people are on the same page, etc----esp. in light of the #metoo movement.  I think it is just a important to talk to our boys as to our girls. I hope that they feel OK talking to me or their dad.

 

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1 hour ago, Anonymousguest said:

But I still have girls at home. What do you do? How do you find a balance of sex is good, but not right now, or not with this person or whatever?

Like others, I think communication is a huge aspect of it -- as open as possible.  Also, remember that they are in charge of their own bodies.  We're here to help them make good decisions, but their own decisions.

That said, teenagers are still developing their brains and not nearly as aware of the world as they think they are. Really talking with them about relationships, in all their aspects, is important...so is asking questions about their beliefs and ideas, which can be really interesting. 

I'm also a fan of close family/family friends (carefully selected) being available for informative discussions. 

Spoiler

My BFF used to work at Planned Parenthood and at a variety of shelters for abused women and children, along with volunteering at a million other places where sex is a frequent topic of discussion with lots of graphic questions and comments. With my permission, she's had a few side conversations with my teen, talking practicalities about emotions, diseases, desires, and everything else.  I think having an open minded and knowledgeable auntie or uncle can be a huge help. Parents can sometimes be too close and/or too judgmental (or at least perceived to be). I've also been a single mother for awhile, and we have developed deeper relationships with non-blood-but-still-family folks. 

Certain other people can offer their own perspectives and advice, which can be valued differently than parental advice during the teen years. Finding ways for them to talk about their lives and experiences is key. But it's also important to remember that their bodies and experiences are their own.

These fundies help remind me that I'm here to help guide my kid, but not control my kid. The goal is a healthy, independent adult who makes their own decisions. Mistakes will be made, but that is life and learning. There isn't a one-size-fits-all formula.

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