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Be a Titus 2 mentor just like Lori Alexander!


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We all know how know Lori Alexander the Fucking Monster and her ilk love to bloviate to their "mentees," taking their own preferences and trumpeting them as universal laws that ALL must follow or be failures.

Let's all give this a go! Take your own personal quirks and expand them into Lori-ese (inserting the requisite bits of hypocrisy)! I'll go first:

There is no excuse for not making your own home-baked bread. Ever. (unless of course you're not in the mood)

If you do not remove the elastic waistbands in your pants and replace them with proper darts and a zipper, you are hopelessly déclassé.

Mowing your own lawn and shoveling your own snow is unChristian, as it steals the income from those poorer than you.

People with slimmer figures than yours who wear form-fitting or revealing clothes lead innocent men into sin.

Your failure to lead church youth group classes will cause teens to stumble into perdition (unless you want all your Sunday afternoons free).

Go for it!

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So what if you're exhausted from chasing after your 10 children, are ovulating and are convinced you don't want more children, have a raging UTI and a fever of 102, and had a down-and-dirty phone fight with your husband over everything? Hubby is home and he wants sex NOW. Go give it to him so he won't stray. No, letting him stray is NOT an option. And, remember, children are blessings of the Lord, so open your heart to them!

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Hmm, my personal quirks and preferences turned into judgmental advice for all:

Your success as a Godly wife and mother will hinge on your ability to produce a multi-course dinner for up to 17 of your husband's relatives (plus assorted friends, your family or random late-minute guests), and the soup course MUST feature homemade chicken soup. If you do not leave in the onion skins to get it a nice yellow color or make it in the crock pot you are DOING IT WRONG. Powdered or canned substitutes are the sign of a lazy woman, whose children and guests will turn astray.

Even if you think that you can't afford it, you must go on vacations. You cannot just go to Disney World - these vacations must involve some plannig, active pursuits, and originality. Simply going to a travel agent and purchasing the first package you find, or just booking a hotel, are signs of laziness and financial mismanagement. A worthy wife will stalk the internet and airlines for the best deals, will find a gem of a vacation rental, and if truly blessed will somehow arrange for the whole experience to cost next to nothing with a work or sponsorship deal. Failing to take your children abroad for non-Disney vacations is a sign of child neglect, and failing to take some other vacations without your children is a sign of marriage neglect.

A good mother should be able to travel with her children, without complaint. If I could take an infant and toddler to Australia, so can you. Insisting that children have schedules and like their own beds is just an excuse to be lazy or difficult. Once you get their, there is no reason why a good mother cannot wear the baby in a decent soft carrier and go hiking in the mountains, or past boiling pools of mud in a volcanic valley. Strollers are for wimps.

Rules and order are important when it comes to your children's clothing. Before they are born, decide on 2 colors, which coordinate well. Allow only these colors, plus some denim, white, black and grey, into their wardrobe, and instruct friends and relatives accordingly. Exchange any items that don't follow this rule. You also need to choose whether patterns will be allowed on tops, or on bottoms. Pick one, and make your preference known. Pick one type of sock only. Ignore those who call you a psycho control-freak. You're family will reap the blessings of a well-matched wardrobe, which allows you, your husband or even your child to get dressed and look good, even if the laundry hasn't been done or they are getting dressed in the dark.

Scrapbooking is a form of idolatry and devil-worship. A Godly woman will not allow her precious time and efforts to be so wasted. It is only permissible to compile photos on your computer and, where warranted, to order a book of these photos through Apple or a similar company.

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The presence of non-dairy whipped topping (aka Cool Whip ) in your home is proof that you are demon possessed and will burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity. :twisted:

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You must camp in a tent. "Camping" in a trailer, camper, or motorcoach is for shiftless layabouts doomed for fires eternal.

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I can't really write like Lori. But here are some of my prejudices, turned up to 11, with biblical support for each:

If you are over the age of 40 and are still living with your parents, you are worthless, especially if you're a man. Quit living in mommy's basement and pretending you're 15 and get your act together. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me." -- 1 Corithians 13:11

Smoking is the dumbest thing you can do. Smokers who refuse to quit deserve absolutely no consideration at all; in fact, they should be thrown in prison with no cigs until they are detoxed! "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own." -- 1 Corinthians 6:19

There's no excuse for talking on the phone or texting while driving. People who do this deserve to get into fiery crashes from which nobody walks away. "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you." -- Proverbs 4:25

People who hurt animals should be exempted from the prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment. -- "Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked is cruel." -- Proverbs 12:10

Damn, I could do this all day....

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When you pair socks you must push them through properly so that they aren't all bunched up into a ball.

If your husband pairs the socks incorrectly it's your own fault for not bringing the washing in.

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When you pair socks you must push them through properly so that they aren't all bunched up into a ball.

If your husband pairs the socks incorrectly it's your own fault for not bringing the washing in.

This might be a derail (How very anti-Lori of me!), but I have to say that my first married fight with Mr. Ewf was over this. I had done all the laundry, and he proceeded to tell me that I had put away the socks incorrectly, that his *mother* rolled the pairs into balls and tucked the ends under. You can imagine how well that ended for him. Hint: A few weeks of dirty socks may have been involved.

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Exactly my reaction to but mother did it this way. Well then you or your mother may have the doing of it.

He was slow - took a couple rounds.

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You must camp in a tent. "Camping" in a trailer, camper, or motorcoach is for shiftless layabouts doomed for fires eternal.

Hey I like camping in a tent. Tents are cozy, take up less space, and are inexpensive.

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Is your car living in a nice, heated garage? You are leading your car and yourself to a life of sloth, gluttony and delinquency. A truly Godly car owner should park it on the street. The fresh air will do it good and you will enjoy bracing morning exercise as you scrape off the snow in winter mornings and bugs and leaves in the summer. My car has recently told my, "AuntCloud, thank you for providing me with the opportunity to live on the street and build Godly character".

Also, buying boxed KD rather than making your own from scratch is not pleasing to your husband.

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Eating fast food is a tool of Satan that will lead your children into dietary harlotry. A godly wife plans all her meals a week in advance and does not let anything like sick children, working late, or soccer tournaments get in the way of cooking from scratch. To allow your husband to take responsibility for some of the family's meals is going against God's plan for manhood and will emasculate him.

Not keeping a garden is also slothful if you are a woman. How else are you going to grow enough hyssop to cleanse yourself with? Forget antibiotics, God's ways are best.

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Mothers who don't teach their children correct grammar and who live in Australia but allow their children to speak American English instead of British English are raising hell bound fiends who are paving their road to hell with Zees.

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Rules and order are important when it comes to your children's clothing. Before they are born, decide on 2 colors, which coordinate well. Allow only these colors, plus some denim, white, black and grey, into their wardrobe, and instruct friends and relatives accordingly. Exchange any items that don't follow this rule. You also need to choose whether patterns will be allowed on tops, or on bottoms. Pick one, and make your preference known. Pick one type of sock only. Ignore those who call you a psycho control-freak. You're family will reap the blessings of a well-matched wardrobe, which allows you, your husband or even your child to get dressed and look good, even if the laundry hasn't been done or they are getting dressed in the dark.

i want that wardrobe....

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Hey I like camping in a tent. Tents are cozy, take up less space, and are inexpensive.

My tent's about 300 square feet (It's a 15'x21' double bell wedge), but I'm in the SCA. Most people's idea of camping involves a backpack. Mine involves a small U-Haul. :lol:

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My tent's about 300 square feet (It's a 15'x21' double bell wedge), but I'm in the SCA. Most people's idea of camping involves a backpack. Mine involves a small U-Haul. :lol:

Clearly you are teetering over the precipice of eternal damnation. Something to think about.

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As a Godly wife, you must always be doing something with your hands, whether cleaning, cooking, making music, knitting, or any other womanly pursuit. Merely watching television or reading is slothful. If you must read, listen to an audiobook while sewing a quilt.

Any sun exposure brands you as a hellion. If you have a tan on your arms or legs, you are wearing immodest clothing. If your face is tanned, you will age early and will no longer be attractive to your husband. Won't you think of the menz?

You must drive a car that gets as much mileage out of gas as possible-- preferably a small diesel car. Squish those kids in the backseat so none of them have enough room to sin. A large car proves you can't manage your home effectively.

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Anytime your Lord and Master on this Planet, aka as "your husband", is in a rotten mood, never forget that it is your fault.

Husband had a lousy day at work? Yup, it's your fault because you pretended you were asleep this morning and didn't give in to him sexually as a proper Titus 2 wife should. Consequence: hubby's day was ruined from the moment he stepped out of bed.

That wedding dress you wore 26 years ago that is wrapped in plastic and hung in the basement closet wouldn't fit you anymore. Obviously it's your fault that you don't have the same weight as you did at 21 years old; it's because you neglected your body, not because you had 3 children and your 47 years-old metabolism isn't as fast as it used to be. And frankly, you know you are not "fat", you weight a healthy # for your height and age; but a real Titus 2 wife MUST be obsessed with her weight at all times...

Your son and his wife had a child three years ago. He is a rambuctious little boy, a ball of energy, but he often doesn't finish his plate at dinner. How proud were you to one evening see your son take his proper role as the head of his family! He forced the baby to eat everything! It took two hours, but after many tears , lots "no no no" and a true battle with Satan trying to possess toddler Sam it was done. Granted, Sam also had to eat some of his own vomit but hey, that'll teach his disobedient heart!! Of course, a spanking followed, because after dinner he wasn't thankful enough towards his Daddy. My daughter in law Val is such an angel to approve such training! No trace of Jezabel in her, a real Titus 2 woman!

If your husband ever tells you how your sons are such good, christian manly mans, then you know that you are a dutiful Titus 2 woman.

Work? A career? Making your own $$ in case something goes wrong in your marriage? Sacrilege!! A woman can never divorce even if her husband is "abusive", a sloth, a drunken bastard...Besides, what is called "domestic violence" is for the most part a charade fabricated by the feminist lobby so that our men fall from their God given leadership roles.

:worship:

______________________________________________________________________________

Just writing that made wanna puke a bit, :lol:

Edited because I wrote "wear" instead of "were". :whistle:

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If you don't recycle or compost 99% of your household wastes you have failed and are solely responsible for the destruction of the earth. Along that note, when transitioning from standard incandescent lightbulbs to CFLs, if you throw away any still-good incandescents you are doing it wrong.

You may read celebrity gossip websites but you may not buy any celebrity gossip magazines. Because that is tacky in the eyes of the LORD.

You must refuse to buy any pants larger than a size 12 even if your fat ass could honestly totally use them because size 14 is obviously much worse than 12.

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If you don't recycle or compost 99% of your household wastes you have failed and are solely responsible for the destruction of the earth. Along that note, when transitioning from standard incandescent lightbulbs to CFLs, if you throw away any still-good incandescents you are doing it wrong.

Will you be my Titus 2 mentor?

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Will you be my Titus 2 mentor?

I am always pleased to bring young women into the ways of God. Given my leadership, in time you too can engage in repeatedly shuffling around the lightbulbs so that the public bathrooms will at least have matching ones.

Seriously, some of these freaking incandescents are lasting for *years*. I started doing this in like 2008 and there's still three of them in my bathroom.

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I am always pleased to bring young women into the ways of God. Given my leadership, in time you too can engage in repeatedly shuffling around the lightbulbs so that the public bathrooms will at least have matching ones.

Seriously, some of these freaking incandescents are lasting for *years*. I started doing this in like 2008 and there's still three of them in my bathroom.

We just replaced 3 burned-out and 3 still-good incandescents with 6 cfls. I'm sorry! I knew it was a sin, but I wanted to have all the bulbs match, and there was nowhere else to use the incandescents...

Off to the prayer closet with me, I guess.

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