Courting

[CustardTart]

On one of the blogs (I forget which one) there's a 30 year old single still living with her large fundie family, and a few of the comments on her birthday entry were things like "we're praying for God to send you a husband."

That got me wondering. Do fundie girls/women have to wait for a guy to approach them about being interested in courtship, or can the girls initiate?

[GenerationCedarchip]

It would be pretty forward in most fundie circles for the girl herself to initiate, but I know of families where a girl has made it known within her family that she is interested in a guy, and her father might then get to know this guy and if he approves, suggest to the guy that he might want to think about getting to know daughter x a little better.

[Marian the Librarian]

The 30 year-old you're thinking of is Sarah Maxwell, whose father Steve is (IMNSHO) one of the biggest spiritual abusers out there. He and his wife have made it very clear that there is to be no female-initiated courtship whatsoever. They think the perfect spouse is going to drop from the sky.

Sarah would have a better chance of meeting eligible men if she were living in a convent.

[CustardTart]

The 30 year-old you're thinking of is Sarah Maxwell, whose father Steve is (IMNSHO) one of the biggest spiritual abusers out there. He and his wife have made it very clear that there is to be no female-initiated courtship whatsoever. They think the perfect spouse is going to drop from the sky.

Sarah would have a better chance of meeting eligible men if she were living in a convent.

That's the one. And OMG how sad.

[rachelsmith1989]

I would think that living in a convent would be more fun, given the historical records.

http://www.amazon.com/Before-You-Meet-P ... 628&sr=8-1

When I had a copy of Sarah Mally's book, she seemed very stuck in this mindset. I find this very impractical because it sets up young women up for failure even if they were told what to do to to get a husband and they're reprimanded for not attracting godly men after a certain age. You just cannot win no matter what.

[CustardTart]

Maybe she'll get lucky and have a widower come-a-courting out of pity for her so she can be blessed with taking care of his 10 children.

Seriously, I'd bet she'd feel worthy as a woman and not a spinster burden on her family.

[bananacat]

The fundie boy would never approach the girl; he would first go to her father. In the more extreme cases, he would first go to his own father who would then talk to the girl's father if he approved. The girl is usually the last to know.

But I think that if a girl had a specific boy in mind, and depending on her father, she might be able to drop hints in a way that wouldn't seem too forward. Sarah Maxwell has no chance, but I think that if one of the Duggar girls said something like "That Billy seems like such a Godly young man and look at how he supports his family!" or even something more forward like "I think God is laying it on my heart that Billy is meant to be my husband", Jim Bob might at least try to set something up. Depending on how controlling the boy's father is, it could essentially be an arranged marriage with little input from the boy either.

The problem with these Patriarch families is that the daughters basically worship their fathers. Jim Bob has 4-5 young women worshiping him, adoring him, and tending to his every whim. Why would he want to give that up by letting them get married? The same is true of both Steve Maxwell and the Botkin dad. They have such big egos that they can't bear to part with the women who worship them. I don't think there's any physical incest going on, but there is definitely an emotional incest vibe going on in all these families. It's especially true with the Botkins where the daughters have the spotlight along with their daddy, but the mother is completely relegated to the background.

[CustardTart]

Very interesting, bananacat, thank you.

Does anyone here know what the average of marriage is for fundies?

[LucySnowe]

Sarah would have a better chance of meeting eligible men if she were living in a convent.

Heh. A good friend of mine is a contemplative nun - not cloistered, per se, but as opposed to the apostolic nuns of the same order, she basically focuses on prayer. There's education as well - actual classes where she wrestles with pretty heavy theology, in a language she didn't grow up speaking - but my point is she isn't Out In The World. Yet even SHE talks to more eligible men than Sarah Maxwell.

[moreorlessnu]

I'm thinking that attorney who is marrying the Seppi girl would have been good for Sarah. It's going to be very hard to find a guy in that age range who is willing to go through the "talk to Daddy" route.

[Jezebel]

Maybe she'll get lucky and have a widower come-a-courting out of pity for her so she can be blessed with taking care of his 10 children.

Seriously, I'd bet she'd feel worthy as a woman and not a spinster burden on her family.

She's actually not a burden on her family at all. She pretty much runs their mail-order book business. She's the most valuable employee Steve Maxwell has, in other words, and he's not going to let her go.

[CustardTart]

She's actually not a burden on her family at all. She pretty much runs their mail-order book business. She's the most valuable employee Steve Maxwell has, in other words, and he's not going to let her go.

Oh, I was thinking that SHE may feel she's a burden on her family, not financially, but emotionally, as in: does Sarah feel it's a load on her parents' minds that she's an unmarried 30 year old? I get your point about them not wanting her to leave, and oh yes, I agree 100%. But any ideas how fundy parents feel about a daughter not being able to attract a husband? I wonder if they give her a hard time about it, that maybe she's doing something wrong. Hmmm...