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Parents screen husband for 37yo daughter


ThatSnark

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The woman writing this guest post went to my high school, where she was perfectly normal. So normal, in fact, that she holds a doctorate in languages and was a university professor until her mother, rabid for grandchildren, intervened. Now she stays home, raises the two she had in rapid succession, and seems happy/relieved to be fulfilling the role her family and church have imposed on her since she was old enough to date. She was delighted to post this link on Facebook. All I remember is that she went from being a single professor to being a married mother at light-speed. You'll note in the story that they met in March and were married four months later.

The part that chaps me is that her mother went on the Christian dating site and her parents asked the guy out, took him out to dinner, THEN presented him to their daughter. :?

Perhaps this is the way Poor Sarah will finally find happiness?

bethvogt.com/contemporary-romance/when-your-happily-ever-after-happens-later-in-life-guest-post-by-lauri-barnes/

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Wow, that is awful :( Dont her parents realise that by the time they were 37 they had managed to marry eachother and have kids, yet they had to choose their daughters husband.

Maybe its not too late for Sarah then-hopefully someone courts Sarah, then she can get the life she has always dreamed of. I feel sad seeing Sarah still being single and treated like a child, while her society tells her the only way a woman can truly have a good life is to get married, have a large family and raise them to be good Christians. She watches her younger siblings court and get married, her nieces and nephew be born, but shes still living like she did at age 12, and 18, and 20, and 30....same boring routine every day. Usually I feel a bit sad over fundie courtships because its so controlled that they dont have any chance to know eachother, and its so awkward looking (with a few exceptions like Chad and Erin) and knowing that theyre going to continue the cycle, but I would be so happy for Sarah if she started courting.

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Ok...it's not the norm. But I guess I'd say it's not really horrible either. She is well educated, has had (to some degree still has) a professional career. I think if someone who has done all that choose a marriage like this that's fine. It's a 19 year old that would bug me. No choice, never made a decision, no education--that's what I don't like.

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I don't see this being totally bad either. She has a Ph.D (Stevehovah would never allow that to happen!) She had her season of being single, and when she was 37 she knew what she wanted. If she really wanted a family then that's OK too. Although her parents (I think) crossed a line going out and finding someone for her, it didn't sound like she couldn't refuse either. It's just kind of odd.

Is it just me, or does her husband look wayyy older than 47 in their wedding photo?

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No, it's not wrong-- it's just such a strange, overbearing way to PUSH their daughter into the social role they wanted her in. She had 15+ years of pressure from them, and that had to have gotten really old. I feel sorry for her. She is very intelligent, earned three degrees, was a successful professor with plenty of former students who still write on her FB how much they miss her classes, and her accomplishments were not what her parents wanted for her. It had to hurt on some level to have done all of that and still not been "enough" for them.

And how desperate do you have to be to agree to go out to dinner with a stranger's parents in hope of being approved to date their mature daughter?? Agreed-- he looks way older than 47. She writes often how dismaying it is to be referred to as grandparents of their own children when they're out and about.

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No matter how much I think about it, I can't decide whether I think it's better for someone like Sarah to never marry and thus to never perpetuate the abuse that her father started, OR whether it is still better for her to marry because there is some microscopic chance that it will give her some freedom and because it's just such a cruel fate.

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I'm reading Evelyn Waugh's autobiography, written in the 1960s, where he laments the disappearance of maiden aunts from families, having been close to the two he had. He says that unmarried daughters nowadays were going off to apartments and careers, where once the maiden aunts remained "of the family, unencumbered by the bothers of husbands and their own children, free to read, write, enjoy their nephews and nieces and return us when the enjoyment wore away." He also mentions that these older ladies were once young and pretty, but living in a rural section, were not afforded the opportunity to meet eligible men, and so they simply aged out of a marriageable youth. It's hard to think that they were that dismissive about the family's unwillingness to take them to London and introduce them around.

Anyway. I wonder if this is the attitude the Maxwells are fostering-- this utopian, carefree adult-ish existence of women "of the family" but not expected to be independent; to offer their value as child carers, house sitters, and so forth. For all their Uriah-trotting, they certainly don't seem to be collecting a bouquet of appropriate suitors for their young and not-so-young daughters.

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I agree that the parents were way out of line, but the couple seem to have "clicked" immediately and she does seem truly happy.

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Is it just me, or does her husband look wayyy older than 47 in their wedding photo?

I would have guessed him to be closer to 60 in his wedding photo. A scary-looking 60, at that.

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I would have guessed him to be closer to 60 in his wedding photo. A scary-looking 60, at that.

Totally. He looks about the same age as my 64-year-old FIL.

The way they met is pretty odd these days, but I also think it's OK as long as they're happy. At 37, she'd had many years on her own and an interesting career. Perhaps she really wanted something different after that, not just to please her parents, but because she truly did want to stay home with a family.

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She sounds like she really wanted this. Seems like her parents basically set her up on a blind date, she was happy to accept, and she talks about clicking and being compatible with the guy, rather than things like 'God so ordained' or 'we purposed to seek the Lord' or whatever. She also describes herself as a 'work-at-home' mom. Can't say I'd do things the same way she did, but it seems like this is what SHE truly wanted, so more power to her.

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Well, they do seem happy but really those parents were out of line to push their daughter. Interesting that for all her education and achievement, she accepted this from them. Hell, by the time I was 23, I was done with my parents trying to push me into anything which was staying at home forever ala Sarah Maxwell, but I digress.

I guess maybe she really wanted to get married and have a family, maybe wasn't successful for whatever reason and they helped her out. But still it's rather weird.

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This is one of those things that can be so creepy in fundiedom but not necessarily so outside it.

I mean, I am 37. My mom and I are really good friends. And putting geography aside (I live 2500 miles away) if she met a man who she really thought I might click with (and I would trust her judgement) then I wouldn't put it past her to ask if I'd like to meet him. In fact, this idea has come up (no candidates, just the concept) before, and I have said it'd probably be fine by me. And if he were up for it, I would be as well. It's not like there would be any further parental involvement. If it went somewhere? Awesome! If it didn't? Too bad, no big deal.

Oh, and the only involved religion would be the fact that I'm a practicing Episcopalian. And I can't see that mattering much beyond the fact that I have a nice venue already for a wedding, if that were to come up.

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