I Love Her, I Hate her
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About this blog
Musings, Thoughts, and Ponderings of various sorts.
Entries in this blog
Random Musings about Faith and Flags
I'm Sorry, I Can't Call Him That
YouTube - Because I'm Trying to Watch Less TV
I'm also on a music video bender having fallen back into Queensryche. Below is a song from one of my all time favorite albums, Operation Mindcrime (concept album - tells a story , listen to it in order - it's a thriller/whodunit) Then there is the footage of a gustnado from Monday night that a storm chaser I follow on Facebook shared
Oh and Ancestry has a channel on Youtube - you too can learn about how better to use the site and find sorta answers to things like - why doesn't my native american DNA show up in my DNA test (per family lore on my dad's side there should be something somewhere and there was not)
Another of my favorite bands - Linkin Park - released a single (new music!)
And I'm taking a writing class online through the Sisters In Crime Guppies Chapter on plotting and outlining (from author Simon Wood) and he has video lessons every couple of days - nope, can't share those with you. I'm not going to risk getting kicked out.
JRod - who I used to entertain myself with her videos in a snort laughing kind of way is mostly using Facebook live - whch means she has left me to surf YouTube unattended without her periodic reminders to me there that I'm headed in a rather pagan direction and well (I think I stole the photo below from someone here - ty whoever you were)
An Exercise in Media Deprevation
No, I didn't clean my house. And I didn't want to. I'm a slob. Sue me. I did do a bit of work on the great rewrite/restructure etc of my novel (the one that won't go away). But my form of communication is on the interwebs. I don't want to call someone (I really dislike phones). And after a day of work, I don't want to be around people and I don't want to 'play.' Okay, there was a bit of play in there. I got some coloring done. I'll post that in the colorists blog.
So my new mantra is you can pry my media out of my cold, dead hand.
Things I Can't Relate To
In our fair city, the ebil school board is redrawing lines for a couple of the junior highs to combat overcrowding. The article I read on said subject quoted a parent whining because of the number of schools their kid has gone to. Without moving. Unhuh. Let me do the math on my personal history. We moved between kindergarten and first grade. Mom divorced dear old dad and we moved between fourth and fifth grades. Now, the district we moved to? I went to 3 different schools in 3 years (granted it was with the same group of kids). We moved between seventh and eighth grades. The junior high in this new city/district went through ninth grade. So I went to junior high for 2 years and senior high for 2 years until - guess what. We moved because Mom decided to get remarried and nevermind uprooting her kids and all that. So I went to my senior year (and only my senior year) in yet another district. So pardon me in an age of internet and social media if your child has to change to a new school. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt a few times over.
And my thoughts on this then go to other things I cannot relate to because of my working class, single parent, checked out father upbringing.
This morning I watched a Goldbergs episode on Hulu as I ate breakfast. From last season. Adam wants to go to Space Camp. Um, Camp, in general, is a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around and feels, in general, to be very middle to upper middle class. I didn't run in neighborhoods with kids who went to any camp, ever. Camp for us was the week of Vacation Bible School. And that wasn't even a full day.
And 2016 was an Olympic year and I remember seeing these athletes in sports where I thought, yeah, never ever would have gotten into that sport, it would have required parents who were checked in (thinking specifically of my father). Or money to be involved.
My thoughts on the above are probably totally warped by the fact that I don't have children of my own.
Apocolypse? Okay. Works for me.
Humor me here. Because among some people he is a popular figure. Not here at FJ of course. He's very divisive. And he's in bed with Russia - which among the eschatology folks is always a big bonus check mark for any potential Antichrist figure due to scriptural interpretation of the book fo Revelation (and other scripture throughout the Bible).
So I just pulled up Huffington Post on the interwebs (yes, I should be working, I'm not). and I find THIS: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/steve-bannon-apocalypse_us_5898f02ee4b040613138a951? I may have snort laughed. It might be a good thing that food or liquid was not in my mouth when I saw the article. There's a video that I'm going to have to go back and watch later when I am not at work. I'm giving the link only because the article is long. Bottom line, Bannon thinks that the end is near and is out to save us from the evil Muslims. I of course and looking at the whole thing thinking that he's in bed with the devils own and handing the keys to the country over to Satan. But that's me.
Wisdom Justice & Love
A true revolution of values will lay hands on the world order and say of war: "This way of settling differences is not just." This business of burning human beings with napalm, of filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows, of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of people normally humane, of sending men home from dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged, cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love." - (Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence by Rev. Martin Luther King - 4 April 1967)
Linkin Park used the above verbiage in a clip that is an intro to their song Iridescent. Although he spoke this in 1967, when I first heard it because of LP, I heard a truth that still echoes today. Which often makes me sad.
How I Let an Idiot Podcast Pastor Derail My Writing
This morning I went looking for a quote from him about Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight books. And yup - I found what I was looking f http://cupofjoe.goodfight.org/twilight-harry-potter-the-wizard-of-oz-and-the-wiccan-revival/ Sorry - had to enter to be able to do what I wanted to there. Joe has his material spread across a few websites. Don't miss this one https://www.goodfight.org/ He has videos on this one discussing Hollywood Movies. Click on the "theater" button to explore that one.
Sorry, I Have Plans
I'm an introvert. And frankly, I feed people draining. I may like you, I just want to like you from a distance. I don't want to go to lunch (especially a group lunch) or dinner (especially if it is work related and after work hours). After a long day at work and fighting my way home on a 35-minute drive (that took 2 hours last Friday thanks to ice) I really just want to watch TV, cuddle with the cat and catch up on the interwebs. And when I squeeze in half a day of vacation to use it up I really don't want to spend that time with people I work with.
So this morning I open my email at work and have an email saying lunch on Thursday. (long winded email babbling about a party back on Dec 10 that he couldn't host because work on his house and then wanting to do it in January but the work won't be done ) Great. Thanks. I have half a day of vacation then. We're off on holiday on Friday. And I don't want to eat lunch with you people. I need to be away from you people. And my mind is going through the logistics of lunch in the city (30 minutes away), time for lunch and then what - a 30-minute drive back to work? Only for half the folks to drive back to the city at the end of the day. Sure. No, I see this coming. He's going to let them off early. He stopped doing this ages ago. But my guess is he feels guilty. Due to centralization they cut heads in our department this year.
I refuse to be guilted or obligated. I am not having lunch with these people. Free food is not worth the stress of not having My Time. I need My Time. So my response is that I would be unable to make it because I was taking half a day of vacation that day and had plans. My plans might involve bra shopping (I've lost weight the one I'm wearing doesn't fit right, I hate the mall and this is one of those shopping tasks that need to be done in person). It might involve going home and cleaning. It might involve reading or binge watching something or a nap. But it is my time and my plans.
I've also told my supervisor that if he lets people off early then technically my supervisor owes me time. Granted this time of year that is likely not to happen but I may have enjoyed being demanding for a moment.
And I've decided that I am worth a lot of things that I've denied myself. Including my own plans and My Time.
Being Okay Enough to Decorate
Here we have a card one of my cousins gave me eons ago that I never put away (unless moving), a wooden candle holder that I redid (it had been my mom's from my childhood) with a red candle on it and a few more of Grandma's/Mom's ceramic piece. I pulled the worn ribbon and plastic holly off of the ornament this year, added garland (gold) of my choosing and tied a new ribbon to it. And, thank you Menards, I found LED tea lights so that is one of them inside the ornament lit (and I don't have to worry about forgetting it). My tree. I love this tree. A coworker gave it to me in 2010 or 2011. It is simply a wood square base, a square wood upriht and a wood star on top with lighted fake greenery around it. I added the ribbon (yes it matches the ribbon on the ceramic ornament). It takes me 5 minutes to pull out of a closet and put out. 5 minutes to put away. I also don't worry about the cat climbing it and I don't have to rearrange furniture. (yes, those are presents to myself that I will open later) Finally we have a bit that I've picked up from my mom. The annual festooning of ordinary house (or office) plants with fake poinsettias.
Thank You For Your Suggestion
And when I shared, I did put a line or two about my writing when I shared the post. Some friends hit like. I appreciate that. Then there is that one friend. The one trying to be, shall we say, overly helpful. She hit like but she also replied that she had gone to a local library and heard a mystery writer talk and had I read her books. I did the virtual version of smile and nod. Or in this case, replied that I had just finished (no, really, yesterday) a book by this author. Did not say that I found the novel adequate but lacking (the concept was good, wanted to smack the protagonist and I just can't love a book where I dislike the protagonist unless you are, say, Patricia Highsmith and we are talking Ripley). So thanks for your... what do I call that? Support? Although that is not support. I know you think it is. Because for me it was a books suggestion from someone who knows I like mystery and suspense but doesn't really 'get' what I really read and enjoy in a book (and I can be very very nit-picky) And while I'm on a ramble about suggestions, can we talk about reading suggestions. You've seen them around the net. Books to read if you loved "Gone Girl" for instance. This is not helpful to me. What I need is suggestions for books to read if I read "Gone Girl" wanted to love "Gone Girl" and found the whole experience a load of hooey and I should have gone with my initial gut reaction and skipped it but didn't because I wanted to see what the big deal was (after the movie came out). And, okay, I may have read it to check out the whole unreliable narrator aspect.
By the way, the friend above babbled to me in person about "Girl on the Train" and said, paraphrasing, I had a hard time getting into it but then I did and I figured it out way before the end. This, by the way, was a glowing recommendation. No, really, because it confirmed my suspicions (see all comparisons I had read to Gone Girl) about my not reading the book. I don't want to figure it out long before the ending.
Wait - who wrote the dialogue in that movie?
Now Speed is a movie I've seen eleventy times. I've used it for 20+ years to study plot structure. And Joss Whedon is not who got the credit (Graham Yost did).
So I took to google and found an interview at Huffington Post about this with Whedon. I think I'm going to have to watch Speed again.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/10/joss-whedon-speed_n_5473795.html
Mental vs Actual Conversation
I go into my boss's office to tell him - yes I'm going to Food Pusher's birthday lunch (her name as I reference it online for purposes such as whining/blogging etc). Yell when it is time to go (I am currently located on the opposite side of our office from him, something that should change in the near future).
He starts to talk to me then realizes that he has cake in his mouth that he is chewing and starts. Me mentally: yes, chew first talk later because I would hate for workplace violence to occur because my inner Elise (one of my grandmothers) to come out over horrible table manners. He chokes his bite of cake down and then tells me that he has changed his vacation time planned for Christmas weekend. (I had asked him more or less to get his act together and schedule his remaining vacay time so I could figure out when I am taking my remaining 1.5 days). He was going to take off the 27th. But now 'they' (wife) have decided to travel that weekend (to visit her family elsewhere). But he doesn't mean that weekend because he is taking the 28th and 29th. (we have the 30th off as an alleged holiday - we'll see how that week actually turns out).
Me actually: okay Me mentally: Great, great because you learned absolutely NOTHING from your deciding to take off Oct 31 and giving yourself too much work to do on workday 1 of October close (on Nov 1) because you were gone at the end of the month. And this is year end and how much work are you going to have because auditors and year end processes and and and. He keeps shoving cake in his mouth. Me mentally: the cake looks dry (I am coming up with excuses/reasons to stay away from the stupid cake - we'll get to the cake in a bit). Me actually: You know that means that you'll only be there one day that week (we have the 26th as a holiday too). Him: I know (yes, shoveling cake still) Me actually: Okay but I'm throwing you under the bus to anyone who needs you that week. (with a reminder about auditors). Him: okay. Me Mentally: And you will be in a tizzy on the first workday because you are gone these 2 days and I won't say it out loud but I will SO be thinking - I knew it. he shovels the last large bit of his cake in his mouth, chews maybe 3 times and swallows. Him: That was good. Me mentally: I would hope so since you ate that piece in maybe 4 bites as if on a Steve Maxwell fast and you're just eating for the first time since. I got up and left at that point.
As for the cake - it was for Food Pusher's birthday. Food Pusher had gastric surgery a year ago. She's done well with weight loss. But Food Pusher works in another department now because of outsourcing. Only she still keeps her food on our floor (because apparently, they are heathens downstairs with a nasty microwave and fridge but I think it is an excuse to visit people up here as well). So someone (who has a last day at the end of the month due to the same outsourcing) brought cake in. Only I seem to recall that she can't really eat cake because of dietary restrictions from the gastric surgery (sugar and such) so the cake isn't for her as much as everyone else. Me, I don't want the cake (nor did I want the 3 day old Krusty Kremes someone brought in). (I call her Food Pusher because she is one of the two - the other being the person who brought the cake today) who keep organizing the stupid food days in this department. And the food she brings is often unhealthy even after her gastric surgery - it is okay for everyone else to eat it just not her).
Kashmir (cover) - Steve Vai, Apocalyptica (and a whole load of extras)
When Someone Calls You a Workhorse
So in the midst of chit chat, telling me what would happened with the accounts payable accrual file this month (translation - attempting to keep me from losing my crap again and wanting her head on a pike) she tells me that she mentioned me to her boss. You know, a corporate rare air type. I'm never sure how I feel about attention or mentions like this. it's good they know your name but it can work both ways if they are looking for a scape goat. Coworker tells me that she said I was a 'workhorse.' I smiled and nodded. (This is not a good thing people, if I smile and nod you I have put up a mental shield and am humoring you to keep peace). Many things went through my head about workhorse. But thanks to google I found a few images to aide here: I'm going to guess that you get my drift. I suspect she meant it as a compliment but to me it means that I just plod along doing the job and not necessarily open to change and not efficiently or working smart. Not really the image I would like put out there about me.
As mentioned above the accrual process went poorly - again. To the point that I lost it, walked into one of my boss's office (the other was there) and declared "I can't do this." and "I am this close to walking out the door, getting in my car and not coming back." We made it through it but not without me feeling undervalued, overwhelmed, taken for granted and that it was time for me to consider looking elsewhere.
It is not just this issue. It is a series of things. Almost all of it out of control of my 2 immediate bosses. HQ is going in a weird direction where it is perfectly acceptable for controllers and cost accountants to spin their wheels during month end doing things that AP clerks (who were good at their jobs) used to do. Because headcount reduction and save money. An environment where hey, let's move things to a central group (and off my desk) while leaving me with 5 months or so too much discretionary time (not enough work to do - something I fault my immediate supervisor for and as much as I like him, he really doesn't get that I need more to do even after i have told him multiple times). And in 2015 I watched them outsource all of our IT. This year is was parables and part of receivables. What s next?
In talking to the controller (my immediate supervisor's boss and the guy who hired me), I have learned that almost everyone of our controllers but one (who can't afford to leave) is disgruntled and wants to bolt. Misery apparently loves company so I don't feel alone. But I am considering options. My niche of the accounting world gets active recruiting wise after Jan 1. So I do have time to think and update the resume/linked in profile and renew contacts with recruiters I've worked with in the past. I don't want to look for a job. But after being downsized 3 times in my past, I'd rather leave before being shoved out the door. Besides, I have nothing to lose and can consider jobs back where I sued to live.
Secrets of the Castle
And I'll stay in 21st century USA with carpets instead of reeds on the floor and a 'fireplace' in the middle of the room.
Leoti Supercell (By Stephen Locke)
Another Bright Lights Mally Newsletter
EO's and your man's goldenrod
Coloring with Mom
When I got there she said my hands were cold and insisted on warming it up. That's my right hand (photo taken left handed so I'm amazed it came out so well - this photo was a hit on Facebook among family & friends)
Rally Jr Back in KC
Rally Mantis and Music Loveing Kittens
First They Came
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erunerune
I’m on spring break and applying for a BSN I do not want. Any off-duty rescue ferrets you can spare are appreciated.· 2 replies
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Destiny
I’m so torn because she’s still getting around but at the same time I’ve seen signs that she’s hurting. Am I doing the right thing?· 10 replies
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HerNameIsBuffy
My power on and everything will be okay approach is punctuated by bouts of terror. This one is lasting longer than normal.· 0 replies
I am afraid:
That I won’t be able to find a house, that we will end up homeless which will be a death sentence for my elderly dogs and older cats, that the current landlord will keep bothering us with maintenance requests so they can fix things adding to my stress of scheduling and keeping the house as perfect as possible while we pack, of losing everthing we own, of losing my job due to having no where to live and ending up in a spiral from which I won’t recover, of having no survival skills, of physical issues getting worse due to pressure to keep house perfect in meantime and lifting things I shouldn’t when I pack, of ....failing my kids and animals that depend on me to keep them sheltered and safe.
Mostly I’m afraid that all the worst case scenarios going through my head atm aren’t tulpuas my anxiety is conjuring to torment me but just clarity and a realistic view of my life.
This is what I do when life shits the bed. Always. I vascialte between confidence that things will work out, because they always do, and and abject terror that this time they won’t because my luck has to run out sometime.
its when the balance shifts below 95% confidence and I spend more time in the worst case realm that I have a bad time.
I have been listening to a lot of podcasts about true crime to feel better about my life - no matter what at least I’m not a sociopathic monster.
so there’s that.
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