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The Great Thanksgiving Day Disaster Chez BlackBerry

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Ohhhhhhhh Lord..

In 1999 we were getting ready for a nice family Thanksgiving just the 4 of us.. me, BlackBerryBoy, 2 young adult kids (BlackBerryKids 2 and 3) BlackBerryKid1 was away in college...The potatoes were boiling merrily almost ready to drain and mash, the turkey was within 5 minutes of being removed from the oven, life was good.

I popped the dinner rolls into the oven to bake, shut the door and heard an ominous "click-thud" and the self cleaning turned on, immediately starting the temp towards 800 degrees.

I tried turning it off, tried opening the door but the latch had locked...

I grabbed everything off the top of the stove and put it on the table, (remember, the potatoes were boiling) I kept trying to get the oven door open and BBk2 asked, "should we call Uncle Goy to come down? " I said "why? so he can stick his penis in it?" BlackBerryBoy is NOT handy, and Uncle Guy did a lot of the "guy" stuff for us.

I got the top of the stove lifted up but still couldn't release the lock.

I told BBK2 "go get my cold chisel."  I took a good whack at it, the lock mechanism broke, and the stove lurched, spewing hot turkey grease all over the inside of the oven where it promptly caught fire. AND the glass window in the door cracked.

I grabbed a box of baking soda and threw it all over the oven, which put out the flames and covered the turkey and rolls with a cloud of baking soda. I got the turkey and rolls out of the oven, and tossed BBK2 a dishcloth and told her to wash off the turkey and dust off the rolls.

By now the potatoes had been soaking all this time in the water and when I spooned one up it disintegrated. I poured off as much liquid as I could and threw in a bunch of cream and butter and hoped for the best.

All this I did quietly, not letting BBBoy know that anything was wrong.. didn't want to spoil his dinner ya know..LOL

We all sat down to a very nice looking dinner, and at the end, BBBoy asked.."did you do something different to the rolls this year? They have a really great flavor..?" yeah hun, my new charcoal and baking soda rub....

I got a new stove the next day.

  • Upvote 15
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OMG I am HOWLING!  This stuff really happens!  

Fingers crossed that all of us have smooth sailing tomorrow!

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  • Posts

    • neuroticcat


      I have an old childhood friend who reconnected on Facebook. She’s busy selling plexus and conspiracy theories online with this weird polished fundie bonus dogma too.

      You’ve probably seen the package of warnings: Sometimes it’s about vaccines or COVID or QAnon or masks. Most recently it’s about coin shortages and the terrors of a cashless society. What I find fascinating - beyond the fundamentalism combined with Gnosticism, is the comment threads with many pious reminders that “God is in control,” warnings about it being end times, mark of the beast, etc., and these weird faith declarations that they know where they’re going so: no fear (except all the fear monger it I guess?).

      Anyway, it’s a new bizarro corner of fundamentalism for me, and the entitlement and delusion is crazytown. I mean, made up threats to drive propaganda when the world is on fire and feeling smug and safe as Christians? Look. You don’t have to care about the actual crises I care about...like famine or injustice or COVID...but can you just care about something real that’s not yourself? It’s embarrassing and awful and as a Christian I thInk it violates taking Gods name in vain every time I see it. 

    • thoughtful


      Monday evening revival, under the tent  roof.

      They sing some hymns, a capella, in many keys at once. Maybe, since  they're in New England, they are going for a Charles Ives polytonal effect. One of the hymns is The Old Rugged Cross (I listened to a few seconds, and could tell from the words), so Gary must have been happy.

      The Hawkinses sing at the piano, as well. I skipped it all.

      John 19:17-30  Gary can barely get through this very well-known text. I'm sad to say that none of his errors were funny, though - just pitiful.

      You've heard of Christmas in July? Well, Gary seems to want Good Friday in July. I think Gary would like to talk about the Crucifixion and torture and burning in Hell  every day.

      Theoretically, I can see how the Independent Baptist approach - no specific prayers that must be said, no cycling through a liturgical year or reading Scripture in order - could be liberating.

      But Gary uses it as an excuse to return to pet readings that support his politics, guilt-mongering, self-righteousness, love of gore, and inability to come up with new thoughts.

      OK, enough diversion - back to the cross.

      The yelling starts right away, in both directions. Gary's blood won't do you no good, but Jesus' will.

      Becky gives her water bottle to the pastor to give to Gary. Hope Jacob is OK.

      Psalms 103:12 - As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

      Gary is glad God has forgotten his sins. God was worshed your sins really far away - see:


      image.png.fc994d4c708c88aedc48b67f0d389f9b.png    image.png.c2cc2d755a8868419ab688576e3150bc.png

      Sporty ensemble, Gary.

      Speaking of clothes, he tells us his oldest boy used to say he'd like to wear a purple shirt. Gary said "Not under mah roof, amen," and got the answer "Well, Jesus did."

      "I said, 'and also, Jesus was beaten - do you wanna be beat? I won't have a problem doin' it.' Hey, (inaudible) was talkin' yesterday that his Mama and Daddy would say whenever they whupped him that it hurt them worse than it hurt him. I wantcha to know, when I told mah kids, when mah kids got whuppin's, ah said 'it ain't gonna bother me one ounce.' (incoherent bellow, lots of arm waving) AMEN!"

      I guess we had to hear about beating children today, since he left it out yesterday.


      BTW, this followed right on the stuff about Jesus forgiving and forgetting all of our sins. Ya ask whah? Fucked if I know.

      Oh, and Becky and much of the congregation were in hysterics laughing about how funny it is to beat children, and to threaten beatings because they want to wear a purple shirt.

      WTF is wrong with these people?

      Gary says "Colossians chapter 14" then realizes there is no such thing. Oh - Colossians 1:14 - In whom we have redemption through his blood.

      Oh, goody - blood!

      "Ah unnerstan' there is some people that have blood, that you kin, you kin donate blood, and you can help some people."

      Who knew?

      "But it's only for a temporary thang, because we're in a temporary world. But Jesus' blood, y'know people say, 'well what about you got a bloody religion,' you absolutely raht. Every bit of Jesus' blood took away every bit o' mah sins amen. Ah'm talkin' 'bout listen hey His blood, He shed His blood. Some say He dropped it, some say he poured it out, some even say it's still sittin' there, ah personally believe, ah studied the Bahble, He's got the bloood settin' raht beside him in Heaven, amen. Wantin' to do what? Wash the world's blood - sins- away."

      This is a very Gary image - we already know he pictures Jesus on the edge of his chair, ready to blow that heavenly vuvuzela to usher in the end of the world. Now we have him with a bucket o' blood, and, no doubt, Gary's spiritual dishrag, ready to wash our sins away.

      Gary says that, when he's in Heaven, he will have Jesus' blood running through him.

      1 John 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.

      Gary says you can ask his wife - he's not always lovable. Becky says a loud AMEN. They have this comedy routine worked out, folks.

      He says that Jesus died and gave his only begotten son. I think that's at least the third time he's blessed us with that original theology.

      He tells us that he was given his truck because God loves him.

      Gary says he's trying to lose 100 pounds, but he'll still have enough flesh to do wrong.

      Luke 24:5-7  God is alive, and Gary has to shout about it for a few minutes.

      Gary reminds us that Buddha and Mohamed are in Hell. At least he didn't say Allah this time.

      Ephesians 2:1-4

      We get stinky Lazarus for the first time in a while. "We all were stinkin' in some kinda filth before (drowned out by yelling)."

      "All these clinics they got for dopeheads cain't take it away from ya, ya say how d'ya know? Ah worked with a guy, 'n' ah finally had to quit 'cause ah came home smellin' like a dope every naht."

      "Here's a difference between a lost man that don't give a flip 'n' listen hey matter of fact just told, they told me the other day that mah cousin, after many years o' bein' married to the same woman, came home one day 'n' told 'im said 'ah want you to leave.'" 


      Gary does his "sin makes women ugly" bit, talking about the preacher who had the pictures of a woman who gradually deteriorated due to sin and his cousin who got kicked out of a car - we've heard those before, but this time he adds this:

      "Mah Daddy talked about how whenever he first met mah mother, 'n' how when he first seen her, how beautiful a  girl she was. You see her now? That's what sin does to ya. Messes you up."


      Gary, you're a shitty son. And, if you were quoting your father there, he's a shitty husband. The woman is in her 60s and in kidney failure, and has probably worked hard all her life serving men - if she's no longer a "beautiful girl," those things might be the cause, not sin (not to mention that it's shallow of you, and none of your fucking business). 

      "You think about this - bulletin boards! I know Peter (inaudible) was prob'ly one of the best artistses that there prob'ly ever been in the days as far as the Christianity world, ah know there's some others that can do that, but amma tell you raht now the Devil has (inaudible).


      Oh, he's talking about billboards! He keeps calling them bulletin boards, and does his bit about how the women on them aren't fat, but a "skinny, beautiful, naked woman," because the Devil wants you to drink "Bud-dumber."

      Romans 6:23 - For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

      The loudest yelling I think I've ever heard in my life follows.

      Gary says that he said something wrong, in church, once, 15 years ago. God kept him up all night, convicting him.

      John 14:1-4  Gary's heavenly mansion will not have rats or bedbugs - someone in the congregation calls out "black flies," and Gary repeats it, and adds "the state bird of Maine - mosquitos."

      Then he cracks wise about his wife wanting her own place in Heaven.

      These people are such sophisticated wits.

      Gary, who never seems able to decide whether his flesh and possessions will go with him to Heaven, goes on about sand not ruining your heavenly vehicle, and all of the foods he will eat without ever getting fat. Some of his more delicious choices, involving the word "fried," are repeated reverently by members of the congregation.

      Romans 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

      He tells how his oldest son was saved - Gary told him is was bedtime after devotions, and he said "I can't go to bed, I'm going to Hell." Gary tells us he said "'You say you can't go to bed, and you're goin' to Hell, but you're just gonna sit there. Ah can make you get on your knees, ah can make you say a prayer, but that's not how salvation works.' And he got on his knees, and to that day, he says he got saved."

      Then we get Jacob's salvation story, which we've heard before - when he was 10, he got up out of bed where they were grifting  - er, taking care of a church for someone on a mission. Gary says he thought at first that someone was breaking in, so I guess Jacob is lucky he didn't get shot. He started pounding on Gary's bedroom door, Gary said "What in the name of God is your problem?" and Jacob said (well, bellowed, if Gary's imitation is accurate) "Ah'm goin' to HELL!"

      These bedtime salvation stories chill me to the bone. How terrifying it must be to be a child in that family.

      Gary ends on a note of hope, reminding us that there's a casket waiting.


    • hoipolloi


      2 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

      I still don't think it was amusement on the lawyer and accountants faces.

      I doubt they were "amused" especially if they'd been representing the Easlings for some time and had filed tax returns or other documents on their behalf. 

      This is what's on our federal tax return (married, filing jointly), prepared by our CPA & signed by us:249094715_Prepareraffadavit.thumb.png.8569d11e9a6b52b6ee0364d71a945d8e.png


      The Easlings' CPA and possibly their attorney would be in jeopardy of losing their professional licenses not to mention federal & state penalties for perpetrating fraud if they filed tax returns, wills, or other documents asserting that the Easlings were legally married when they were not.

      • Upvote 2
    • SolomonFundy


      4 hours ago, freethemall said:

      Dont forget Adeline has the family's penchant for Victorian flair - maybe an old fashioned even costume style dress (but with cowboy boots), waltzing, a bridal tea beforehand, and other cutesy details.

      When I saw the announcement, that's EXACTLY what I visualized. 19th century inspired gown (in my headcanon, it's Regency in honor of her Austenmania, but that's too much to hope for), lots of pseudo-historical details, and a universe of flowers.

      I'll say this without a shred of false praise: Adeline Morton is an incredibly gifted flower arranger. Tastes vary, and to my knowledge we've never discussed it here, but she definitely has a defined aesthetic and brings a lot of distinct personality to every bouquet. I think she has a real talent, and I hope she goes bananas for her own wedding. (And after, if Michael is an indulgent headship.)

      • I Agree 1
    • SolomonFundy


      17 hours ago, LurkerOverThePond said:

      Remind me again: what do we know about Mr. Addie? I only remember that he is considerably younger than her (I always thought she would end up with an older man) and way too into guns.

      I personally don't know much, but hopefully, some other FJers can contribute better insights. This is what I'm personally aware of:

      * His full name is Michael Holloway

      * He's about 22-23 years old to Addie's 29.

      * He has had a variety of jobs, but as you'd expect from someone in his age range, he hasn't found a career yet. I think someone said he worked at a jewelry store in the Morton thread last year? But I may be misremembering that.

      * He currently lives in Georgia.


      Things I speculate based on circumstantial evidence:

      * He may work in IT or some other job that can be done remotely, because he was able to take weeks off to visit Addie in Paraguay last year without any difficulty. So it seems likely that he's either self employed, was unemployed at the time of the trip, or can easily do whatever job he has remotely from another country in an area that has (according to Kress and Rachel) incredibly inconsistent internet and cell service.

      * For the same reason as above, I suspect he lives with his parents, or at least he did at the time of the trip last year.

      * The majority of the family had met him several times by the time he traveled to Paraguay last year. Based on social media comments, this included people on the Morton compound, as well as outliers like some members of the Campana family in Florida, and Dorothy. This suggests he was in her life for at least one or two social gatherings prior to May 2019.

      * Based on youth, and the probability of living with parents, they very well may end up living in the "big house" with the elder Mortons, Paul, and Edwin. At least, for a while. However, the barn apartment will be vacant within the next year, and they'll probably move into it once Sam and Alyssa move into their new build.

      • Upvote 1
      • Thank You 1

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