Let’s talk your parent with dementia and what’s referred to as ‘running.’  

My mother, until I put her in memory care, was a runner.  I found out the hard way.  Actually, Mom and running is why I put the pieces together and discovered that something more than ‘she’s old and her memory is fading’ was wrong to begin with.  I received a call in May 2014 from a deputy with the Douglas County, Kansas Sheriff’s Department.  I’ll be forever grateful.  He had the wisdom to get my information from my mother when he took her home and left me a message.  I talked to him and he was the first one to say that he thought she was having an Alzheimer’s episode.  

I had to fight my mother to get her to a doctor.  Because she refused to go.  Actually she told me she would make an appointment and didn’t.  Either because she forgot or she knew something was wrong and was, yet again, protecting me and didn’t want me knowing.  Or both.  One of my cousins did a Skype intervention with me.  My sister may have crawled in a hole and pulled a rock over her head.  I have cousins that make up for it.  This particular cousin, Cousin K from previous references here.  Her mother died of cancer.  She dealt with things because she was physically close.  I have other cousins who have or are dealing with similar issues (dementia, parental illness, cancer cancer cancer).  It helps.  Anyway Cousin K told me to call Mom’s doctor make an appointment, lie to my mother (I hate lying, that’s been a biggie to have to get past).  Tell the doctor why you are bringing her in.  

The doctor was understanding.  He told me that most dementia patients end up at the doctor when their license is taken away and they need to doctor to say things are fine.  Honestly, I wish they had done that to my mom.  (we’ll get the license issues in a bit).  That was a sobering thought.  Still is.  I had to answer a lot of questions for my mom.  This doctor knew my mother and stepfather.  My stepfather, henceforth referred to as The Grinch, died in May 2009.  Five years earlier.  My mother couldn’t tell him how long ago the death happened.    I also had a sheet to fill out as her daughter.  See the link below for the AD8 - which is more or less what her doctor had me fill out.  It is used as an assessment tool for someone other than the patient to fill out - and a means of communicating to the doctor without speaking in front of the patient.  I used it to also tell her doctor that she’d gotten lost/had a drive off.  

http://consultgerirn.org/uploads/File/trythis/try_this_d14.pdf

We were referred on to a neurologist with blood test, urine test and an MRI,  So I took a day off work for the appointment with her doctor,  And another for the MRI.  Yet a third for the neurologist.  I am fortunate to have understanding bosses.  (and reminder, I live 2.5 hours away from my mom and felt a lot of guilt for ‘leaving her’ to take a job back in 2010 when I moved to Mid-Missouri when all of this bubbled up in 2014).  

I got to see her MRI results at the neurologist.  She has ‘holes’ in her hippocampus where short term memory lives.  She has plagues in the part of her brain where long term memory lives which interferes with the storing of memory.  

I take you through all of this because both doctors recommended taking her to AAA or somewhere to get a driving test done and having her license revoked.  This is nice in theory.  I have a different saga to take you though with different advice.  

So by the end of June 2014 I have a diagnosis.  And Mom’s had one known drive off/lost incident.  Although frankly there was a car accident when Mom was just south of downtown KC MO in November 2012 or so that I mentally can probably toss into the category.  She claimed she was driving around looking at the old places we used to live and got turned around.  Easy enough to do if you aren’t used to being in the city and don’t really understand that one neighborhood we used to live in was plowed under and a Circuit City (that never opened, the place went bankrupt.  It’s now home, I believe, to IKEA) is in its place.   July 2014 about the 10th or so I get a call.  From her neighbors.  She’s been gone for a while.  So I deal long distance with local police.  She shows up in Buckner MO.  I know this because their PD calls me.  I call my boss, tell him I’m not going to be there the next day and head west.  I pick mom up and take her home.  Leaving her car at the grocery story in that city where she left it.  

One of her neighbors took me the next day to go get the car.  I regret this move.  Because I either should have taken the thing back to my place in Mid-Mo gone back to her place and taken m car home.  Or left the car in Buckner.  It should not have gone home.  Period.  When I left my mother’s that weekend, I took her car keys.  Both sets.  With the car locked.  

My mother, stubborn that she is, called the car dealership.  Had them pick up her car and replace her keys.  In retrospect I should have called the dealer, told them what was going on and had them keep the car for me until I could get it and hide it elsewhere.  My mistake her left Mom off and running with her car.  I meant that literally too.  Because later in July a neighbor called.  Mom had been ‘gone too long.’  She did show up later that day.  I believe she’d been pulled over by police somewhere north of the river in KC.  Again, not part of Mom’s normal routes.  

But the ultimate episode began on July 31.  Mom went running.  For whatever reason I had my phone off or something.  And receive the call as to her whereabouts on Aug 1.  My mother, from outside of Lawrence KS was in Springfield Missouri.  At the hospital because they didn’t know what to do with her.   Now with my profession this is an issue.  Because Mom is in SE, MO and I am in Mid-Missouri and I rather needed to be at work on that Friday because of month end.  One of my cousins and her daughter bailed me out.  This cousin’s mother had dementia as well.  They brought Mom to me.  I had to deal with damage mom did to her car (she left it running).  I had hoped they would have totaled it.  The insurance company didn’t.  I still need to sell it.  It sits at my cousins on their farm.   This is when my mother stopped driving.  

That’s right.  To get Mom to stop driving, it too removing the car entirely.  Which is my recommendation.  If you are dealing with someone with this level of memory issues, do not pass go, do not collect $200 and don’t leave the car with your loved one.  Remove it entirely.  While Mom kept asking about her car, worrying about her car, and wanting her car; she also couldn’t remember where it was.  I would tell her ‘I don’t know anything about your car.’  Yes,  a lie, but at this point I had resolved that it was needed.  And in time even if I told her the truth (I took it away and you aren’t getting it back) she would forget, often quickly.  I did put a note up in her kitchen telling her not to rent a car.  I also removed all credit cards, debit cards and checks from her purse leaving her only with cash in small amounts.  I spent close to a year doing a back and forth Saturday commute to check the mail and take her grocery shopping until I pulled the plug and ‘put her away.’  (a story for yet another time).   One of her neighbors worried about her buying a car. (Legitimate considering Mom's antics). I assured him that if that happened, the car dealership would get a call and told that my mother legally cannot sign contracts and to get the car and take it back. At that point I was working with an attorney on the whole legal guardian/conservator issue and knew that my mother couldn't sign legal documents due to her diagnosis.

This is an agonizing process.  One in which the dementia patient has no idea something is wrong.  Mom ‘feels fine’ so to her nothing is wrong.  If she had pain, it would trigger an I’m sick response.  But aside from her eroding brain, she’s healthy.  (for an 83 year old and that was before they put her on heavier meds to combat her obsessive desire to be home an associated anxiety after I put her in memory care).  I’ve made mistakes.  A lot of them.  But there isn’t really a guidebook.  I feel my way through this process that I feel ill-equipped to handle on my own.  And aside from the support of friends, extended family, and coworkers, I am doing this alone. And I hope this tale helps some of you come to terms with what you need to do, when you need to do it.