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Buffy's Commentary

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I'm FINE...I just need a pastor and a time machine...apparently

HerNameIsBuffy

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Exposition:  I've had a very rough year and I've got some very bad patterns when it comes to men and I thought a little professional help to get some tools so I can stop falling on emotional landmines of my own design might be a good idea.  

So I asked the p-doc I see once every 3 months for my ADHD scripts  for a referral to a therapist. I've been going to her for ~4 years - 15 min appointment, rarely in there more than 5 unless she's particularly chatty about her life.

Even as it was happening I was thinking, "this sounds like a "that happened"...one of those times you wish someone was there to share your absolute what-the-fuckness...

Me:   I've been trying to work on myself and wanted to try therapy with someone who is familiar with my type of relationship problems.

Her: Let me ask you, how many men do you have in your life for support?

Me: Uh....I love my sons and my brothers but I don't go to them for support about this stuff.

Her: No male friends?

Me: Not any who like me enough to want to hear about my issues with relationships (self conscious laugh because ...what the hell?)

Her: Yeah - they always want to be more than friends, don't they? (so not what I said) This is where a pastor can be wonderful!! They're men and can give you a male perspective but won't ever think of you "that" way.

Me: What?!

Her: My church we have a wonderful pastor and associate pastor and it's wonderful to get their perspective on relationship issues.

Me: I'm a lapsed Catholic...I was hoping to find a therapist to do that.

Her: Catholic? Then I don't know what you could do....

Me: I was hoping to find a therapist who had experience with co-dependence and (insert my specific relationship issues.)

Her: Oh honey, you're not co-dependent. You're FINE! You've just had a string of bad luck with men.

Me: In my entire life every man I've ever loved has been cluster B.  I'd like to figure out why I choose badly.

Her: Oh, that just happens. You just need to go out there and find someone healthy and you'll be fine. You know what not to look for now.

Me: Uhhhh....I did that last time and married someone who wasn't BPD-NPD and the marriage was much worse...I didn't know how to screen against his dysfunction so I was thinking a therapist...

Her: But you left...if you were co-dependent you wouldn't have left him so you're fine. You're problem with men is going to be your career.

Me: (having given up and just waiting for her to finish writing my scripts so I could go) Huh?

Her: What do you do again?

Me: Remind her of my job which is the reason I need the ADHD meds which is the only reason I see her...

Her: Right, I knew it was something like that. Men find that offputting. You'd be a great catch if you were a man, but as a woman it's going to be hard for you to find any man who won't be threatened by that. Men want to take care of you and if you don't need them financially they won't know how to do that. Unless you find a man who is comfortable taking a back seat and letting you take care of them.

Me: (Now so far down the rabbit hole I'm looking for the Cheshire cat...) Laughs...I'm more than needy enough emotionally, that's why I wanted a therapist.

Her: Men don't want you to need them emotionally, you have to need them in the ways they need to be needed. My pastor explains it so well...

Me: Ok. Wow you're writing a lot of prescriptions there...

Her: Oh, yes! I'm retiring at the end of the year so I'm giving you 6 months this time. Next time you'll have to see Dr. X or Dr. Y.

Me: Ok. Which do you recommend?

Her: (looking at me like that was a stupid question) it doesn't matter...either one of them will continue your prescriptions.

Me: (biting my tongue so I don't make a joke about wanting a doctor more than a dealer) Fine. Congratulations on retiring.

Her: Thank you!! It's going to be so wonderful, my husband is so excited we're going to travel and (whatever the hell else she said as I kind of stopped listening)...I have been so blessed to have found the perfect man for me. But then we grew up together and got married as teenagers so we're celebrating our 104th anniversary next year. That's what you need to do.

Me: What? Go back to junior high and find someone to marry as a teenager? It's a little late for that now...

Her: You're so FUNNY!!! No, silly...just find someone who is right for you and will make you happy!

Me: OH! Why didn't I think of that? (sardonic laughter) Actually I was hoping to get to the place where I'd be okay being alone.

Her: Sure. Some people don't need anyone!  Just be happy that way!

(got scripts and got the fuck out of there...checked my phone...elapsed time 12 minutes.)

If she ever had any fucks to give she had clearly run out...first time she mentioned anything about religion. Never got a referral.

She's always been irritating, rambling on about her husband, kids, grandkids...in snippets over the last 4+ years I can tell you her husbands health problems and her daughter's financial troubles but everytime she saw me it was groundhog's day.

Although this year she had been calling me by the right name almost half the time, so that was something.

TLDR: I have it on official authority that I'm "FINE" and have no issues with relationships other than a string of bad luck and apparently a job which will scare men away except the super special one made just for me that I just have to go out and find because I didn't marry him in junior high. Or something. 

c61cdd5ee8463f02f9e5f0da27038636.jpg

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Palimpsest

Posted

WTF.

Thank Rufus she's retiring.  She sounds well past her sell by date.  Did you manage to get a good referral from anyone else?

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

Nope.  I was sitting in a secular run of the mill medical practice blindsided by pastor referrals so I decided to tackle this as a DIY thing.

It's only a problem when it comes to men, I'm actually pretty darn functional in most other areas of my life so as long as I embrace the whole forever alone thing my issues are non-issues.

I know therapy can be helpful for many people but I was always dubious about it for me due to past experience and it was a rare moment of open mindedness that I wanted to give it a shot...I'm okay with the door remaining slammed shut on this.

 

 

 

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singsingsing

Posted

Holy. Shit. (BTW as another person with ADHD who was told by multiple teachers, psychologists, doctors, and other various 'geniuses' over the years that nothing was wrong with me and that it was all my fault for just being too negative and not ~believing in myself~ enough, you have my deepest empathy.)

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laPapessaGiovanna

Posted

:omg: I would have recorded the conversation just to be sure my ears really heard that shit. WTF? Most of the psychiatrists I've known (for work related things) were batshit crazy but this one is crazy AND unprofessional. Glad you didn't really need her advice.

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Yes, all pastors are men, are qualified therapists, and absolutely none of them have ever, ever, ever thought of a woman in that way.  Ever!  In the history of the world!  :pb_rollseyes:

 

 

 

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apandaaries

Posted

Holy crap.  WTF was wrong with that person?!

FTR, the best people I've known for therapist recommendations are folks who're in therapy or have been. They've either seen someone awesome who usually then can either take you on or give you a good referral, or they know who to avoid already. 

And if it makes you feel any better (in a misery loves company sort of way), I've got friend NYC (land of psychotherapy!) who recently broke up with her older, female therapist.  The woman kept telling her she needed to find a wealthy, older man to take care of her.  That was basically her problem -- the lack of a committed sugar daddy relationship.  So, even in what should be an excellent place to find a therapist, there can still be horrible issues. 

Anyway, glad that dinosaur-mindset doctor of yours is retiring and hopefully she'll limit her bad advice to her fellow churchgoers from now on!

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HarryPotterFan

Posted

What in the name of Rufus? That’s so messed up and not helpful. One would hope a psychiatrist would understand wanting a doctor who fits your needs and a therapist...If you lived near me I’d recommend my psychiatrist and therapist. They’re awesome.

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Mela99

Posted

I might have smacked her with a bedpan. WTF. I wonder how many poor patients she's subjected to that kind of bullhonkery...

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Palimpsest

Posted

30 minutes ago, Mela99 said:

I wonder how many poor patients she's subjected to that kind of bullhonkery...

I wonder how may patients that she failed to refer to professional therapists had really bad outcomes. :(

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unholypoledancer

Posted

I read this several times over because I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me and no professional would behave like that.

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nokidsmom

Posted

Holy shit!  I was reading that and waiting for the punch line...but alas it was for real.

I know there are bad therapists out there but this one, I have no words.  I guess I got lucky with the one therapist I did see 15 years ago.

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Wow, just wow.  Definitely time for her to retire.  I hope the next doctor is better and you can get a referral to a councillor to help.

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hoipolloi

Posted

SO great to "see" you again, but that doctor!?!?! Good she's retiring.

/104th anniversary. :pb_lol:/

Would add "JFC" to "WTF."

Welcome back!

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Carol

Posted (edited)

Welcome back Buffy!

I'm not clear, is the doctor that retired your primary care physician or a psychiatrist?  If she's not a psychiatrist then I would write her off as an idiot and be glad she's retiring.  If she's a psychiatrist you can report her to the Board of Psychiatry or whatever it's called in your state.  That is not how psychiatry works and it is not beneficial to the client.

Edited by Carol

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EmiGirl

Posted

... i really just can't even with that!! 

 

I hope you can find a good therapist who will help you!

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Black Aliss

Posted

In my experience, it's a rare psychiatrist that is good for anything but writing prescriptions. Psychologists can be good, but they tend to want to look for "root causes". The best therapists I've ever had, in terms of getting stuff done, had MSW degrees. I could go to them, say, "this is the cycle of dysfunction/unhappiness I find myself in it. How do I break this cycle?"  and get practical guidance about how to do just that. Never less than 45 minutes, for a fraction of a psychiatrist's fee. (Yeah, I've had terrible taste in men, as well.)

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PreciousPantsofDoom

Posted

OH MY FUCKING GOD. What the Hell?

I'm actually quite impressed with how you handled yourself during this shit show. 

Asking for help is not my forte.  I would have found it necessary to obsessively rehearse (in my head) what I wanted to say for some days prior to the appointment.  There would have been  discussion (just in my own head) about the correct tone.  Needs to be sorta casual  (because NBD, just making perfectly rational request for therapist referral )  but not too casual, because wish to appear as firm, decisive, almost totally together type of person (except for that one specific area needing fine tuning.)  Arguments would have been had (still only in own head) about stupid amount of time spent obsessing over making the effing request.  There would be clammy palms and urgent messages from my bladder about the need to pee (should be ignored as is invariably Fake News in these moments.) 

And then, after all that, to have the conversation go so freakishly sideways?  I don't know how you managed to keep talking coherently at all!  You even kept trying for a bit, until it became clear that nothing useful was going to come out of her.  Very impressed that you kept your wits about you (seeing as the Dr clearly had lost hers )  

 

 

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Playagirl

Posted

14 hours ago, PreciousPantsofDoom said:

Asking for help is not my forte.  I would have found it necessary to obsessively rehearse (in my head) what I wanted to say for some days prior to the appointment.  There would have been  discussion (just in my own head) about the correct tone.  Needs to be sorta casual  (because NBD, just making perfectly rational request for therapist referral )  but not too casual, because wish to appear as firm, decisive, almost totally together type of person (except for that one specific area needing fine tuning.)  Arguments would have been had (still only in own head) about stupid amount of time spent obsessing over making the effing request.  There would be clammy palms and urgent messages from my bladder about the need to pee (should be ignored as is invariably Fake News in these moments.) 

 

Are you me??? That's exactly my approach to asking for help for anything, even something work-related:my_confused:

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Destiny

Posted

2 hours ago, Playagirl said:

Are you me??? That's exactly my approach to asking for help for anything, even something work-related:my_confused:

Mine too!

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Nikedagain?

Posted

YOU MADE THIS UP, RIGHT???

(Like a New Year Fool's day thing, right??)

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Destiny

Posted

Just now, Nikedagain? said:

YOU MADE THIS UP, RIGHT???

(Like a New Year Fool's day thing, right??)

sadly, can confirm she told me this story in the fall. Seriously, what the serious fuck is this horseshit?

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  • Posts

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      Posted

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    • treemom

      Posted (edited)

      8 hours ago, Howl said:

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      he will survive.  100%

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      Have an FJ fundies gone to Liberty?

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      5 hours ago, nausicaa said:

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      which one is missing?  They have had several.  It is the pool boy one?

       

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      Edited by treemom
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      Posted

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