Exposition:  I've had a very rough year and I've got some very bad patterns when it comes to men and I thought a little professional help to get some tools so I can stop falling on emotional landmines of my own design might be a good idea.  

So I asked the p-doc I see once every 3 months for my ADHD scripts  for a referral to a therapist. I've been going to her for ~4 years - 15 min appointment, rarely in there more than 5 unless she's particularly chatty about her life.

Even as it was happening I was thinking, "this sounds like a "that happened"...one of those times you wish someone was there to share your absolute what-the-fuckness...

Me:   I've been trying to work on myself and wanted to try therapy with someone who is familiar with my type of relationship problems.

Her: Let me ask you, how many men do you have in your life for support?

Me: Uh....I love my sons and my brothers but I don't go to them for support about this stuff.

Her: No male friends?

Me: Not any who like me enough to want to hear about my issues with relationships (self conscious laugh because ...what the hell?)

Her: Yeah - they always want to be more than friends, don't they? (so not what I said) This is where a pastor can be wonderful!! They're men and can give you a male perspective but won't ever think of you "that" way.

Me: What?!

Her: My church we have a wonderful pastor and associate pastor and it's wonderful to get their perspective on relationship issues.

Me: I'm a lapsed Catholic...I was hoping to find a therapist to do that.

Her: Catholic? Then I don't know what you could do....

Me: I was hoping to find a therapist who had experience with co-dependence and (insert my specific relationship issues.)

Her: Oh honey, you're not co-dependent. You're FINE! You've just had a string of bad luck with men.

Me: In my entire life every man I've ever loved has been cluster B.  I'd like to figure out why I choose badly.

Her: Oh, that just happens. You just need to go out there and find someone healthy and you'll be fine. You know what not to look for now.

Me: Uhhhh....I did that last time and married someone who wasn't BPD-NPD and the marriage was much worse...I didn't know how to screen against his dysfunction so I was thinking a therapist...

Her: But you left...if you were co-dependent you wouldn't have left him so you're fine. You're problem with men is going to be your career.

Me: (having given up and just waiting for her to finish writing my scripts so I could go) Huh?

Her: What do you do again?

Me: Remind her of my job which is the reason I need the ADHD meds which is the only reason I see her...

Her: Right, I knew it was something like that. Men find that offputting. You'd be a great catch if you were a man, but as a woman it's going to be hard for you to find any man who won't be threatened by that. Men want to take care of you and if you don't need them financially they won't know how to do that. Unless you find a man who is comfortable taking a back seat and letting you take care of them.

Me: (Now so far down the rabbit hole I'm looking for the Cheshire cat...) Laughs...I'm more than needy enough emotionally, that's why I wanted a therapist.

Her: Men don't want you to need them emotionally, you have to need them in the ways they need to be needed. My pastor explains it so well...

Me: Ok. Wow you're writing a lot of prescriptions there...

Her: Oh, yes! I'm retiring at the end of the year so I'm giving you 6 months this time. Next time you'll have to see Dr. X or Dr. Y.

Me: Ok. Which do you recommend?

Her: (looking at me like that was a stupid question) it doesn't matter...either one of them will continue your prescriptions.

Me: (biting my tongue so I don't make a joke about wanting a doctor more than a dealer) Fine. Congratulations on retiring.

Her: Thank you!! It's going to be so wonderful, my husband is so excited we're going to travel and (whatever the hell else she said as I kind of stopped listening)...I have been so blessed to have found the perfect man for me. But then we grew up together and got married as teenagers so we're celebrating our 104th anniversary next year. That's what you need to do.

Me: What? Go back to junior high and find someone to marry as a teenager? It's a little late for that now...

Her: You're so FUNNY!!! No, silly...just find someone who is right for you and will make you happy!

Me: OH! Why didn't I think of that? (sardonic laughter) Actually I was hoping to get to the place where I'd be okay being alone.

Her: Sure. Some people don't need anyone!  Just be happy that way!

(got scripts and got the fuck out of there...checked my phone...elapsed time 12 minutes.)

If she ever had any fucks to give she had clearly run out...first time she mentioned anything about religion. Never got a referral.

She's always been irritating, rambling on about her husband, kids, grandkids...in snippets over the last 4+ years I can tell you her husbands health problems and her daughter's financial troubles but everytime she saw me it was groundhog's day.

Although this year she had been calling me by the right name almost half the time, so that was something.

TLDR: I have it on official authority that I'm "FINE" and have no issues with relationships other than a string of bad luck and apparently a job which will scare men away except the super special one made just for me that I just have to go out and find because I didn't marry him in junior high. Or something.