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Buffy's Commentary

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This almost never happens...



I've got a lot of problems, but they are usually a variation of my subset of usual problems and I can figure stuff out.  I may get pissy about it, but I usually know what I'm should to do even if I don't want to.

I'm not always right about the best course of action, but I'm usually sure I'm right at the time.  Indecision has never been an issue for me.

Until now.

I have a huge decision to make and need to give an answer tomorrow.  I've had 3+ weeks to over think it and I'm no closer to having the slightest idea of what I'm going to do.

At this point wait until I am asked and be surprised by whatever I blurt out might be the way I go.

In my life I honestly cannot recall a time where I was this lost.  

It's not a decision anyone can make for me, or believe me id have tossed it to someone else 3 weeks ago and told them to let me know how it lands.

I'm at a major fork in the road of my life and I need to pick a path.  Each path has very good reasons to choose it and equally good reasons to avoid it at all costs.  One path has the potential to be okay or end badly...the other has the potential to be really great or be okay or end catastrophically.  

Part of me wants to stick with the safer option and try to convince myself I'm doing it because it's the smart thing to do and not out of fear of the unknown...which it totally is.  But the other part of me wants the riskier option and trying to convince myself that it's the smart thing to do and not because I'm selfish and broken...which is also likely true.

And although no one else can make the decision either way will deeply affect the people I love most.  That's an added element of difficulty from hell.  Because either choice could hurt them or be better for them, depending on variables I cannot know until I pick a path.

Ive talked about with people I trust who know me (and I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it.)  They listen and encouragie me to trust my gut and will support me no matter what.

I tried doing that thing to trick myself into an answer by imaging someone I loved had the same issue.  I'd listen and tell them to trust their gut and I'd support them no matter what.  I wouldn't have advice.

I tried doing that just blurting out an answer thing to try to get my subconscious to have a fucking opinion...but in truth what I really want is to take neither path.  I want to sit at my metaphorical crossroads and refuse to move.  But that's definitely not an option or this wouldn't be a dilemma at all.

I can't live with myself if I make such a major decision based on a coin toss....but it's looking like more and more likely.

How is it possible to not know what to do?  I know people who live their lives in a state of indecision and if this is what it's like i have tremendous admiration  that they can get through the day....this is all consuming.

oh, btw   "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" and "no risk, no reward" are contradictory idioms so not helpful at all.








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B, you are awesome and amazing. No matter which thing you decide, you will be great and however it works out they will be lucky to have you in their worlds. <3

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  • Posts

    • llg1234


      Counting On Season 11 Episode 5 "A Baby Girl for Joe & Kendra"

      Part 1:


      In LA, JinJer got Felicity a scooter. Jinger puts a helmet and knee pads on her and coos about how pretty she looks. Felicity loves being outside and is very adventurous. Her latest is thing is standing up on couches, so they always have to keep an eye on her. Jinger says she's like Jeremy, which he jokingly says could be worrying. Jeremy says the scooter reminds him of the skateboard he has from Brian (aka Brian Sumner - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Sumner). His friend Jay gave him one of Brian's skateboards and got them in contact with each other. Jeremy decides to give him a call for a skateboarding lesson.

      At Joe and Kendra's house, they're reading to Garrett. Kendra is 38 weeks. They're going to clean the house and set up the nursery in their room. Some of the Duggars (Jason through Josie, plus Tyler) come over to help get everything ready. Joe says he needs help since they're going to moving a lot of furniture (to clean under everything). Kendra says she's nervous about labor, especially now that she knows what the pain is like, so she tries not to think about it too much. They start vacuuming and cleaning everything, Jackson scrubs the toilet while Tyler cleans behind it. Joe jokes that babies expect everything to be clean when they arrive and that they're very judgmental. The producers ask JB & M how they kept the house clean. Michelle says it was hard when they had all 19 at home (she's lying, Josh was out of the house before Jordyn and Josie were born). They divide the house up into jurisdictions. Jordyn finds some biscuits and the kids eat them and get crumbs on the couch. Jackson steps on the couch with his shoes on. Garrett goes down for his ~happy nappy~ and cries because he doesn't want be left out. Joe says he feels ready for the new baby, but he's not the one having it, he's just the support group. I don't think he's just talking about labor.

      Ben & Jessa are getting Henry ready for a follow up with the speech therapist. Jessa started noticing he wasn't talking around 18 months and still wasn't saying much by the time he was 2. They had their first speech evaluation in April 2019. He understood words and can follow commands, but was six month delayed with speaking. The pathologist recommended keeping an eye on him. He's almost 3, so he'll be tested at that age level today. Jessa says he's been picking up around 10 words a week. She worries that she did something wrong or could have done better. The pathologist shows him pictures and asks him to point out specific things, which he does well at. JB says he had a stutter in 1st grade and had to take speech classes (NO ONE CARES). On the topic of getting issues taken care of, Joe mentions that Garrett was weaker on one side of his neck, causing his head to tilt. They wanted to make sure it was fixed (although they didn't go into what they did), so he wouldn't have issues later on. The pathologist says Henry has come very far and has caught up with kids his age. Jessa says she pretty much cut out screen time completely, which she thinks helped.

      Part 2


      Next up, JinJer are at a skate park in LA with Brian and his son Jude. Brian is from the UK and became a professional skateboarder when he was 19. Some of Jeremy's friends skated, but he never has before. Jinger hopes he doesn't break anything. Jeremy says half the battle is trusting your body. He eventually gets comfortable with being able to travel on the board. Brian moved to the US when he 15-16 and skated with Tony Hawk. He got married and then divorced. Afterwards, he 'came to know the Lord' and so did his ex-wife. They got back together and had two more kids. He started evangelizing at skate parks (see the Wikipedia article for that whole story). Jeremy said he had a similar trajectory with his life and soccer. He says God took his passion for soccer and channeled it to ministry. He was consumed with soccer and wasn't living a life that honored Christ. He was partying and drinking. When he was arrested, that was his turning point. He and Brian hit it off and will keep hanging out.

      5 days before her due date, Kendra starts having contractions. It's 9:30PM, so they're packing up and Garrett will spend the night at Kendra's parents' (Mimi & Poppy) house. Joe gives him a bath before they leave. The contractions aren't very consistent, so they're not sure if she'll have the baby that night. She's thinks she's definitely in labor, but not transition (the final phase of the first stage of labor). They arrive at the Caldwell home. Christina (her mom) and Lauren (her sister) will be going to the hospital with her. He contractions have slowed down again, which frustrates her since it's so inconsistent. Joe and Kendra pray with Garrett before putting him to bed. After a few hours, the contractions pick up again and they leave for the hospital around 1AM. Kendra hopes she isn't sent home from the hospital, because she doesn't want to have to interrupt anyone's sleep unnecessarily.

      She's admitted, but is only 4cm dilated. This is discouraging to her, since that's what she was measured at at her last doctor's appointment. They walk about 3-4 miles through the halls of the hospital. Her contractions become more painful, so she went back to her room. Her water breaks while she was laying down, which confused her. Her mom arrives and helps her with her breathing. The contractions keep picking up and are soon back-to-back. She becomes nauseous and throws up. She's in transition now and we basically just watch her screaming in pain. They worry about her passing out, same as with Garrett's birth. Her eyes tend to lose focus and start to roll back when the pain is really bad. 

      The doctor is actually delivering at another hospital and Kendra doesn't think she can wait. Eventually they decide to deliver with the nurses. Addison Renee is born at 5:33AM, 7lb 12.5oz, 20.5 inches. She was a lot bigger than they had though. Addison means 'in God's image' and Renee means 'born again.' The family comes up to meet her. She's the 14th Duggar grandchild. Michelle says she's precious (shocker). Garrett meets his little sister and Kendra hopes he doesn't get too jealous.

      Next week: Lauren gives birth to Bella. Jinger announces she's pregnant via video chat during family fun night (I'm guessing the miscarriage will also be discussed, since it happened shortly after).

      TL;DR - Jeremy learns to skateboard with Brian Sumner, a pro skater turned evangelist. After some delays, Henry's speech has caught up and is on par with other kids his age. Kendra gives birth to Addison after a painful labor. 

    • AmazonGrace


      The latest excerpt from the new book is a recycled blog post. 




      • Upvote 1
    • AmazonGrace


      Gwen has skipped a couple of daily devos again but we get this: FB_IMG_1596555650895.thumb.jpg.d14c464d7992aa1b5cf703853ef90609.jpg

      Did you know that not-eating is the most pivotal breakthrough in the world? 

      • Thank You 1
    • TuringMachine

      Posted (edited)

      2 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

      I do think Ezra turned 14 this year. I think Ezra and Simon are less than 2 years apart. While all the rest are around two years apart. 

      Ah you're right Ezra turned 14 in May. I thought his birthday was in the late fall / winter like the other kids. It looks like Simon and Della are almost 3 years. Then she really hits her stride: Della and Evy and Nola are a couple months shy of 2 years, Evy and Nola and Theo are a few months over 2 years, Theo and Honor are two years and a month, and Honor and Shiloh are also 2 years and a month. The new babies will be about a 1 and a half years younger than Shiloh.

      Edited by TuringMachine
      • Thank You 2
    • JermajestyDuggar

      Posted (edited)

      I do think Ezra turned 14 this year. I think Ezra and Simon are less than 2 years apart. While all the rest are around two years apart. 

      Edited by JermajestyDuggar

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