I am going to be forcing myself out of my comfort zone in 2016. It's necessary. I already did a little bit at the end of 2015 by joining the wellness center. I never thought I'd join a gym and the wellness center is basically a gym where the clientele is mostly old people. For me, it took a lot of courage to finally go. I'm still not 100% comfortable when I'm there but I'm getting better with it.

This year, I need to get out of my comfort zone for my son's sake. It's embarrassing to admit this...but I never take him places by myself. He's almost 2 and a half years old and I've almost never gone anywhere with him without my husband. Not even to run errands and other typical stay at home mom stuff. We run our errands in the evenings and on weekends, the three of us. I've never had confidence in my parenting skills. Most days I can hardly believe I'm a mom. I guess I don't really feel like one for some reason. I know I am, of course. I think I expected to feel like a different person or something after having a child but I feel like the same old me.

I am worried my son's delayed development is all my fault. Most of his life is spent inside our house with just us. Don't get me wrong...he's gone places plenty of times....the zoo, botanical gardens, children's museum, etc. But most of our days are spent at home. This needs to change. But it's hard for me. My husband does so much with our son that I feel like I can't do it all myself. He's always the one to strap him into the car seat and take him out. He's the one that braves public restrooms for diaper changes. I've done these things too...just not as much. And my husband is almost always nearby as a safety net.

Last year, we (all three of us) went to the library for their toddler music/story time. Our son did not do well. He ran around the room trying to get into people's purses and when we'd correct him...he would flip out. It was pretty embarrassing. So we didn't go back. Well, until last week. Last Friday, I made my mom go with me. I wanted to try it again. It went surprisingly well. She was my safety net but I think I can do it myself next time. I hope so anyway.

I figure it's a step in the right direction. This time of year, there's not tons to do really. But come Spring...I am going to force myself outside of my comfort zone so that my son can have some good experiences. I'm nervous about it though.

I swear as I get older, I get weirder about stuff. I don't know...maybe not. Maybe I've always been this way. I'm not really a super social person. I guess that's not exactly accurate. I think I'm just picky about people. And I don't like large groups. Especially not full of strangers. I sometimes wonder if my aversion to strangers and large groups has anything to do with my upbringing. I went to the same school from pre-school to 12th grade. It was a small school. My graduating class had around 70 people. So for the most part, I had known everyone for years and years. I always had friends. I was never really in situations where I was an outsider in a group. I was always pretty comfortable around everyone. I really didn't know anything different.

Then I went to college. It was a bit of a shock. I remember my first night in the dorms, I called my parents at a hotel in town (they had helped me move in) and told them I wanted to go home. It's been over 15 years and I can still vividly remember the feelings I had that night. Panic would probably best describe it. It seemed like everyone already knew each other. I felt like an outsider. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. It was definitely a hard time for me. But it didn't last. By the end of the first week, I'd already made some friends. I really enjoyed most of my college years. But looking back I do wish I'd been more social. I stuck to my small group of friends. I didn't venture out as much as I wish I had.

I don't want to have those same regrets in terms of my son's life. I don't want to look back and wish I'd done more with him. As it is, I already have regrets like that about his first 2 years. Especially now, knowing he will likely be our only child.

So I am going to try to get out of my comfort zone and do more with Henry in 2016. Here are some things on my list....

Take him to the following places by myself - the library, community center toddler gym time, indoor gym place (not sure what else to call it,) grocery store/Target/Walmart/etc., the park, and to his speech and physical therapy. Hmm...not sure where else. I'm on the fence about places like the botanical gardens, children's museum, and zoo just because we don't really live all that close to them. So we'll see.

I always thought I'd join a playgroup for him. But I'm not sure if I'll be able to go THAT far out of my comfort zone. The only one that didn't look too bad is in a different city so I don't really want to have to trek over there for the activities. This would be so much easier if I had friends with kids but I just don't really have friends at all these days.

Anyway...this post was kind of all over the place. I should really be in bed right now.