Six Months
It's been about 6 months since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Some days I still feel like it's basically a death sentence. I look at my hands and feet and panic when I think about what could happen in the future. I freak out when I think about the possible side effects of the medication I am currently on (and the medications I will likely need in the future.) I feel like I'm too young to have to deal with this sort of stuff. Until 6 months ago, I didn't even really know what RA was. I'd see the commercials for meds and I just assumed RA was like Osteoarthritis....something 'old' people get. I had no clue. I wish I still had no clue.
In some ways, I think I am quite lucky that it was caught fairly early. Of course, it's hard to feel 'lucky' at all though.
Last May, I woke up one morning and when I stepped out of bed, my left foot hurt...a lot. I had no clue that the day before would be my very last pain free day. Possibly forever. I know in the big scheme of things, RA is far less awful than many medical conditions. I don't know if that really makes it any easier to deal with though.
I dealt with the foot pain for a while thinking it would likely go away on it's own. When it didn't, I went to the doctor. They took some x-rays and found nothing. I was told to take ibuprofen and call back if it didn't improve. Eventually, the same type of pain showed up in my right foot. I decided to see a podiatrist. Then the pain started to get a little better so I canceled my appointment with the podiatrist. Sometime in July, I think, I woke up with hand pain. Now...hand pain wasn't completely new to me. At the end of pregnancy I developed carpal tunnel which is apparently sort of common. The hand pain from that went around when my son was close to 1 year old. But this hand pain in July was a bit different. It was basically the same pain my feet were in. This is when I became quite concerned. Googling led me to many things about RA. It scared me.
In August, I woke one morning to a swollen finger. I knew I needed to get back in to see the doctor. The took blood and I waited. Waiting sucks. I kept going online to check for my results. When they finally showed up, I saw my Rheumatoid Factor was a 20, which isn't too insane. It meant I could have an autoimmune disease. But maybe not. The nurse called and told me that based on my results, I likely didn't have RA. Everything else was normal. I felt so relieved.
Then...my doctor called. I should have known this was bad. She told me my anti-CCP was 193. Normal is only up to 17 or something like that. She said this means I almost certainly have RA. I was devastated. I had read such awful things about RA. I have no many other "issues" right now that this was just the last thing I needed. This news came on a Friday. She got me in to see a rheumatologist the following Monday. They took x-rays and told me scary things. On Tuesday, I started methotrexate. It's a pretty awful medication but it's the go-to when people are diagnosed with RA. I am thankful that I haven't had too many side effects. I try not to think about all the possible horrible ones. When I do think about it, I panic a bit. Same goes for when I think of the future.
I've never been a "take it one day at a time" person. I am a planner. So something like this is really rough. It's basically shattered all of my plans. So I've been feeling quite lost.
I just saw my doctor. I have to go in every 3 months for blood work. He is pleased when how I am doing. I don't have any swollen joints. My pain is pretty minimal most of the time. Again, I think I'm very lucky (so far) compared to a lot of RA patients. But some nights, I stay up late because I worry I could wake up with some new/awful pain.
I really hope that over time, this will somehow get easier to cope with. It's going to be hard when May rolls around and marks 1 year since I've been pain free.
Letting go of the life I had and the life I thought I'd have in the future is probably the hardest thing so far.
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