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Your Parent's Finances (lessons learned from becoming my mother's keeper)


clueliss

1,127 views

This is cross posted here:  Worried Children Sharing Circle

Okay while I wait for a really large spreadsheet to recalculate.  I'll do a brief fly by on my knowledge of elder related things to deal with.

 

POA (power of attorney) - you need two.  One health.  One financial.  If both parents are living I recommend having them anyway for both in case something happens to one.  If you suspect or are worried about dementia - going to say it here - get the POA prior to the diagnosis.  Because after a diagnosis they are legally incompetent.  Hospitals and such may be able to assist you in getting Health POA (living will and DNR - do not resuscitate)

 Court Appointed Guardian and Conservator (this is what I am because I had a diagnosis first).  You need a lawyer (I reco an elder law attorney for POA as well).  This process you will work with an attorney to have the court appoint you.  Involves paperwork from doctors.  Also the appointment of a guardian ad-litem (in my case a different attorney) to legally represent your loved one.  The loved one will have to meet with them.  I was present when mom met with hers (i had taken the care away).  It then goes to court and you receive a notarized letter (don't lose it, I think I have 3 copies).  I usually present a copy of the letter or have them make a copy and give the notarized version back to me.  Reports to the court are due back annually (regarding the person and finances).  I will have to do this later this month.   

Things I wish I'd done or taken care of before all this:

Property (cars, houses, etc) it is better/easier if someone else is also on the titles.  

Bank accounts should have someone else on them.  (in equal status - be sure the bank sets up accounts correctly though because the people at my mother's bank technically messed my mom's up - something I only found out later).  Specifically make sure you are not joint on the account or it becomes half yours.  Your bank really should know better.  

Pensions and any other financial assets:  Know what they are.  Account information etc.  If you get a POA or court appointment contact all immediately and jump through hoops so they will deal with you.  Where possible on all bills (credit cards, utilities, phones, cable etc) have your loved one (NOW - don't wait) add you to accounts as someone who can act on the account.  (confession, I don't like it but I am willing to 'be mom' to get around these issues).  

Going to put this one other there as advice - be sure they are filing taxes.  My mother missed like 4 or 5 years.  She did not owe tax.  But refunds were due back to her because she has withholding on her pension checks.  

My mother was not on the net, did not have email etc.  So this wasn't an issue. If you loved ones are - you will need log ins and passwords to get into any electronic banking, email and accounts.  

And I spent a lot of time going through all paper in my mom's house (Sadly after things went south) so I understood what was going on.  It was hair raising.  I spent hours with giant WTF thought balloons over my head.  Also - most people keep more paper than they really need to so I got rid of a lot.  But be careful because I discovered that social security numbers lurk about on older medical records, insurance records and pension papers (and on and on).  

 

At the moment I am in a limbo state because I need to spend down mom's money to (not kidding here) only $2,000 in assets so I can refile for medicaid in Kansas - henceforth referred to by me as the broke ass state of Kansas).  This is contrary to what her facility told me.  So while they are knowledgeable, they could be very very wrong.  

(I'll do a separate post on what I went through to get the diagnosis and other headaches).  

 

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

I am so sorry.  When we went through this with my parents one of my sainted sisters handled the financial end and I was so grateful as it was so much work.  (I lived with my mom during her hospice time caring for her and I don't know if I could have done both without cracking.)

It's just such a shitty time and so much paperwork during the time you least want to deal with that stuff.  You're in my thoughts.  

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clueliss

Posted

I quickly assessed that I am not equipped to handle my mother in this state.  Memory care if the best place for her.  Even if she still does ask about the car (gone since 8/1/2014) and continues to want to go home.  

My sister is wandering the greater Atlanta area somewhere.  So I am dealing with from 2.5 hours down the highway.  I wish these nightmares on no one.  It is horrific.  

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CTRLZero

Posted

Thank you for this.  We are entering this phase with my MIL.  Since her husband passed away several years ago, she has been able to take care of an enormous amount of downsizing (basement stuffed to the rafters with accumulated junk) and old paperwork reduction.  It seems there is always more we unearth, including property line agreements with the neighbors (this was an ordeal since we had to remove several outbuildings) and who knows what else is lurking. 

She is in declining health, getting frailer by the month, and seems to be making more regular trips to the emergency room with tumble-related injuries.  Her latest was a broken arm last week.  Sigh, poor lady.  She understandably doesn't want to be moved from the comfort of her home, but unless she gets stronger, she can no longer easily manage stairs--and there are lots of them, including just getting out of the house.  It's already tough, and we are ourselves no longer in the "spring chicken" years.  We were able to secure the services of a home nurse (through her medical insurance and Medicare) to come in to help with hygiene issues, so we all continue to lurch forward in this process.

Sorry to ramble on, but I wanted to express my empathy and thank you for the good advice.

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

I quickly assessed that I am not equipped to handle my mother in this state.  Memory care if the best place for her.  Even if she still does ask about the car (gone since 8/1/2014) and continues to want to go home.  

My sister is wandering the greater Atlanta area somewhere.  So I am dealing with from 2.5 hours down the highway.  I wish these nightmares on no one.  It is horrific.  

I can't even imagine.  You are doing what's best for her and that's all that matters.  She is lucky you are able to make that assessment - too many people try to do it knowing they can't and the one who suffers the most is their parent.  I am so sorry you're going through this alone.

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SpoonfulOSugar

Posted

Thank you for this.  We are entering this phase with my MIL.  Since her husband passed away several years ago, she has been able to take care of an enormous amount of downsizing (basement stuffed to the rafters with accumulated junk) and old paperwork reduction.  It seems there is always more we unearth, including property line agreements with the neighbors (this was an ordeal since we had to remove several outbuildings) and who knows what else is lurking. 

She is in declining health, getting frailer by the month, and seems to be making more regular trips to the emergency room with tumble-related injuries.  Her latest was a broken arm last week.  Sigh, poor lady.  She understandably doesn't want to be moved from the comfort of her home, but unless she gets stronger, she can no longer easily manage stairs--and there are lots of them, including just getting out of the house.  It's already tough, and we are ourselves no longer in the "spring chicken" years.  We were able to secure the services of a home nurse (through her medical insurance and Medicare) to come in to help with hygiene issues, so we all continue to lurch forward in this process.

Sorry to ramble on, but I wanted to express my empathy and thank you for the good advice.

We were able to have a therapist come here and review our home and make recommendations for safety improvements.  I assume that's a service available through other programs (DH is VA service-related) but haven't totally figured it out.  (I'd like my parents to have something done.)

In any case, if the falls are a real issue - maybe there are concrete steps to be taken around the house to reduce risk?

Just a thought . . . I feel as if all of us are fighting through similar mazes.

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church_of_dog

Posted

Can you elaborate about not being JOINT on the bank accounts?

My mom is in a retirement facility, currently in independent living, but her memory is getting worse.  We put myself as a signer on her checking account and then on the savings accounts that got created after we sold her home.  I think that's the right way to do it?  So the account has her social security number for income reporting purposes, but I have permission to access the account, arrange for transfers, write checks, etc.  Now that I'm writing this out, I'm thinking we did it right, but just wanted to hear your specific thoughts about not being joint on the accounts.

Yes, it sure seems like a huge number of us are going through this now.  Thanks for putting your wisdom down on paper electrons!

  • Upvote 2
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CTRLZero

Posted

We were able to have a therapist come here and review our home and make recommendations for safety improvements.  I assume that's a service available through other programs (DH is VA service-related) but haven't totally figured it out.  (I'd like my parents to have something done.)

In any case, if the falls are a real issue - maybe there are concrete steps to be taken around the house to reduce risk?

Just a thought . . . I feel as if all of us are fighting through similar mazes.

As part of the nurse's visit, we had a home assessment done.  Each time she has had a fall, we upgraded the safety features (trip hazard removal, railings, shower bench, alert system, neighbors checking on her, etc.).  The problem is really the configuration of the home (isolated location, steps, etc.).   We'd really like to have her move in with us, even if it means both of us selling our houses and buying a one-level duplex sort of arrangement, but she is determined to remain independent at her house.  We are very afraid of her becoming suddenly ill or having another fall and she is not discovered for hours.  We understand the privacy and independence desires, not wanting to be a burden, etc., we will probably be like this ourselves when our time comes, but it does make life challenging.

In the meantime, it's nice to have a place to air my concerns and read the thoughts of others.

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clueliss

Posted

Can you elaborate about not being JOINT on the bank accounts?

My mom is in a retirement facility, currently in independent living, but her memory is getting worse.  We put myself as a signer on her checking account and then on the savings accounts that got created after we sold her home.  I think that's the right way to do it?  So the account has her social security number for income reporting purposes, but I have permission to access the account, arrange for transfers, write checks, etc.  Now that I'm writing this out, I'm thinking we did it right, but just wanted to hear your specific thoughts about not being joint on the accounts.

Yes, it sure seems like a huge number of us are going through this now.  Thanks for putting your wisdom down on paper electrons!

I don't fully understand it myself.  They really should have - with the conservatorship - created a new account - I think.  Because we re joint per the person who I actually trust at the bank - the way her account was set up instead is joint.  As joint technically half of the funds are mine.  Meaning we should both report half of interest as taxable income.  I don't because I treat it as her money.  It was just a caution to make sure that the bank people know what they are doing.  This is a small bank in a small town and I suspect the person who made the changes doesn't deal with these things that often.   

 

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19 cats and counting

Posted

I appreciate this post.  I manage my maternal grandmother's finances (she's in a nursing home and my mom is incredibly overwhelmed by any financial paperwork).   (My grandfather passed 2 years ago and didn't have things in order).  

I just hope this wakes up my own parents to get their shit together before they're elderly.

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older than allosaurs

Posted

This is what I did, and it worked. I had no tax ramifications, but I could pay the bills and taxes, buy the groceries, and pay the caregivers.

I want to second, third and fourth the idea of getting the POAs ahead of time, when it's still "just in case," if at all possible. I am so lucky that my mom decided she wanted me on one for herself as well as my dad when he was clearly failing. Later, when dementia began to hit for her, it made her paranoid and I doubt she would have agreed to one. I can hardly imagine what a nightmare it would have been to have to go to court and have her declared incompetent in order to be able to manage her finances.

As her illness progressed, she took to hiding--and then of course losing--the checkbook and the financial mail, and panicking over every form letter trying to sell her a new credit card. The POA allowed me to have the important stuff sent to my address.

 

 

 

 

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  • Posts

    • Ozlsn

      Posted

      2 hours ago, Maggie Mae said:

      I also think braggie's fridge is dumb. It comes with a pitcher for water. Great. I can buy a $35 pitcher with a filter and fill it in the sink and get the same result.

      And it probably won't leak!

    • GreenBeans

      Posted

      1 hour ago, Maggie Mae said:

      I guess I'm just a little confused if we are talking about the same thing. Because a place with dedicated staff, display cases, and seating sounds like a bakery to me, more than a bake sale.

      No, it typically takes place in a church hall or gym or a cafeteria at school or a community center. It’s not a permanently set up bakery, but these kinds of locations typically have some tables and chairs in a back room to put out and a fridge in the back, sometimes even plates and cutlery and a dishwasher. The “staff” are just volunteers who come out for the day. So you have one person making coffee, one handing out cakes, one handling payments and one in the back to get new cakes from the fridge, cut them, bringt them out etc. It’s all very much improvised and nothing like a real cafe or bakery.

      9 minutes ago, Mrs Ms said:

      but it is super common here and would be front page news if someone got food poisoning anywhere in the country from one. 

      Agree. I’ve never heard of food poisoning from a bake sale, ever. I know it makes sense to have all the hygiene regulations in place for professionally run businesses. But for charity bake sales, apparently they’ve been doing fine without those for decades here. It’s just not an issue.

    • Mrs Ms

      Posted

      52 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

      They aren't completely wrong. Inflation IS making it hard for everyone. Wages aren't and haven't matched inflation in a long time.  However, economics is a complex topic and there are a thousand reasons why food, housing, and basic supplies are more expensive. [snip long paragraph of stuff no one cares about] 

      The "I truly don't know what we are going to do" is ridiculous. I have a suggestion. 

      Get. A. Job. 

      Like every other person who wasn't born into the 1% (and even they have jobs.) Plenty of people are struggling with mental and physical health and still go to work. Go sign up for a temp agency. There are tons of jobs that are just one or two days - company needs someone to catch up on filing. Company Y needs someone to sort out some boxes. Company Z needs someone to fill in and answer phones for a week. It's money that can help.  I can't see how someone who has experience with public speaking, can write coherently, and operate computers and basic software couldn't keep a job. I see people every day who don't email, can't figure out websites, don't know a browser from a bulldozer. Unemployment is at like 4%, everyone is having workforce shortages. We've hired so many terrible receptionists and had an administrative assistant who called out 25% of the time and we still worked with them. 

      So in the US, a bake sale is usually something put on by a group - like the French club wants to go to France, or the Band needs to raise money to get new uniforms, or a church group wants to raise money to send to a natural disaster type place.  They are low-key -usually, people donate some brownies or cookies, and it's just a couple of card tables in a hallway or on a sidewalk somewhere. They aren't going to buy glass display cases and set up a storefront. Maybe in areas wealthier than mine? 

      Not only is that a waste of money that they need to get to the fundraising goal, it also would open up a ton of liability and be against the law. Restaurants have to follow very specific laws - they pay $$ for their building, for commercial equipment. The employees go through either ServSafe or Food Handlers classes or both. 

      They have to carry certain types of insurance (commercial liability, liquor liability if they have a liquor license, music licensing if they have music, property insurance, car insurance if they have commercial vehicles, excess/umbrella, etc. ) They have to renew licenses and undergo extensive permitting.  They have to submit plans (all of which come with a fee), every time they change things.  Everything is inspected and regulated-  seating, business plans, outdoor seating, signage. It's extremely expensive to start a restaurant and I don't know why anyone would want to, the margins are so low. They require so many employees and there is so much overhead. 

      The bake sale where some kids sell each other cosmic brownies at lunch a few days a month is one thing, but setting up a permanent location where you ship orders, or operate what appears to be a bakery that skipped the legal process is another.  

      I guess I'm just a little confused if we are talking about the same thing. Because a place with dedicated staff, display cases, and seating sounds like a bakery to me, more than a bake sale.

      And more so than the unfairness of a charitable group being able to operate an unlicensed business at a lower cost than a business that invested heavily and paid for the right to be able to operate, we are talking about food and food safety. Which should be regulated because foodborne illness can kill people. 

       

      No, definitely talking about the same thing. Both the places I was involved with in Germany ran it like a cafe/sale hybrid during the school fairs or the open days and had space to store the cabinets during the rest of the year. Plus enough people to bake things and then have people staff it during the day. No clue how other places handled things.
      At my kids school here in NZ we do a similar cafe/bake sale hybrid in one of the classrooms for the school fair. The rest of the year, any of the classes wanting to raise extra money for camp or so do a straight bake sale just outside the staff room (which has a kitchen.) A parent or teacher will pre-cut any cakes or slices, a teacher will supervise the cash and the kids serve the baking. Covid has definitely made covering things and wearing masks more of a thing!
      As we are a food allergy family, it’s not my favourite, but it is super common here and would be front page news if someone got food poisoning anywhere in the country from one. 

      • Upvote 1
      • I Agree 1
    • Maggie Mae

      Posted

      5 hours ago, formerhsfundie said:

      "Fundraising is getting so much harder. I blame the price gouging that’s affecting everyone except the extremely rich. People can’t spare what they used to, because life is getting more expensive. Food, housing, and everything else is climbing up and up."

      "The poorest are hit hardest because of the greed of the richest. I truly don’t know what we are going to do. We need to move again because we can’t afford to stay in this area. Moving itself is expensive, too. We haven’t received any donations yet toward moving."

      And honestly I do think it’s because so many people are struggling more than ever. We just don’t have the “same $20 to share around” that we had even a couple of years ago. And that is scary.

      They aren't completely wrong. Inflation IS making it hard for everyone. Wages aren't and haven't matched inflation in a long time.  However, economics is a complex topic and there are a thousand reasons why food, housing, and basic supplies are more expensive. [snip long paragraph of stuff no one cares about] 

      The "I truly don't know what we are going to do" is ridiculous. I have a suggestion. 

      Get. A. Job. 

      Like every other person who wasn't born into the 1% (and even they have jobs.) Plenty of people are struggling with mental and physical health and still go to work. Go sign up for a temp agency. There are tons of jobs that are just one or two days - company needs someone to catch up on filing. Company Y needs someone to sort out some boxes. Company Z needs someone to fill in and answer phones for a week. It's money that can help.  I can't see how someone who has experience with public speaking, can write coherently, and operate computers and basic software couldn't keep a job. I see people every day who don't email, can't figure out websites, don't know a browser from a bulldozer. Unemployment is at like 4%, everyone is having workforce shortages. We've hired so many terrible receptionists and had an administrative assistant who called out 25% of the time and we still worked with them. 

      4 hours ago, Mrs Ms said:

      Any I have been to in Germany and New Zealand had one person handling the cash and other people serving. Plus power and hand washing facilities. Usually with a few tables and chairs right next to the sale area to sit and eat immediately. 
      Plus all the ones in Germany I saw had display cabinets for the products like in cafes. I think the ones in NZ usually had insect shields and/or see-through lids and weren’t right at the front edge of the table. 

      So in the US, a bake sale is usually something put on by a group - like the French club wants to go to France, or the Band needs to raise money to get new uniforms, or a church group wants to raise money to send to a natural disaster type place.  They are low-key -usually, people donate some brownies or cookies, and it's just a couple of card tables in a hallway or on a sidewalk somewhere. They aren't going to buy glass display cases and set up a storefront. Maybe in areas wealthier than mine? 

      Not only is that a waste of money that they need to get to the fundraising goal, it also would open up a ton of liability and be against the law. Restaurants have to follow very specific laws - they pay $$ for their building, for commercial equipment. The employees go through either ServSafe or Food Handlers classes or both. 

      They have to carry certain types of insurance (commercial liability, liquor liability if they have a liquor license, music licensing if they have music, property insurance, car insurance if they have commercial vehicles, excess/umbrella, etc. ) They have to renew licenses and undergo extensive permitting.  They have to submit plans (all of which come with a fee), every time they change things.  Everything is inspected and regulated-  seating, business plans, outdoor seating, signage. It's extremely expensive to start a restaurant and I don't know why anyone would want to, the margins are so low. They require so many employees and there is so much overhead. 

      The bake sale where some kids sell each other cosmic brownies at lunch a few days a month is one thing, but setting up a permanent location where you ship orders, or operate what appears to be a bakery that skipped the legal process is another.  

      I guess I'm just a little confused if we are talking about the same thing. Because a place with dedicated staff, display cases, and seating sounds like a bakery to me, more than a bake sale.

      And more so than the unfairness of a charitable group being able to operate an unlicensed business at a lower cost than a business that invested heavily and paid for the right to be able to operate, we are talking about food and food safety. Which should be regulated because foodborne illness can kill people. 

       

    • Maggie Mae

      Posted

      I hate open concept houses almost as much as I hate Abbie's cluttery "style." I hate that open concept became a trend and I feel like I've been screaming at clouds since like 2008 when it first started being "the trendy way." It seemed like at the time everyone wanted it so that they could see the TV from everywhere. But it's so impractical. Noise just bounces around. Ever go to a party at a house with just the big cavern with a kitchen in the corner? It get so noisy that people are shouting at each other. Vs a normal house, where people can go into other spaces to socialize in smaller groups - you can have some people in the kitchen, some in the living room, some in the family room. And it's just so frustrating when you need to find a way to close the kitchen to keep dogs and kids out. 

      I also think braggie's fridge is dumb. It comes with a pitcher for water. Great. I can buy a $35 pitcher with a filter and fill it in the sink and get the same result. 

      • Upvote 1
      • I Agree 2


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