Midnight train to St. Petersburg, or highly underrated 1973 Woody Allen comedy? Either way, it's got to be better than last week.

Mitchell and Jay explore the mall, where Jay comments on Mitchell's excellent ragtime piano style. The problem? The piano's playing itself. That, and Mitchell's never had a piano lesson in his life. Jay suggests they get ice cream. Oh, yeah, Mitchell's lactose intolerant. Let's have a round of applause for Jay, graduate of the Betty Draper School of Parenting.

Meanwhile, Alex is frustrated at having to write a report on mononucleosis, which the family all teases her about because they're heartless wenches - and of course, Phil has a Funke-ish comment or two. Also, the washing machine is broken and Phil has to stay home and wait for the repair guy. Oh, boy, I'm all goose bumps. How intriguing. Sure enough, within seconds he gets a call about an ex-girlfriend. That is, about the record he was listening to when he lost his virginity with her. Phil needs to have that record, and I'd prefer not to ask why, but he heads off to the record store, even as the repairman approaches. He manages to get home in time, but then decides that listening to the record is technically cheating on Claire, so he smashes it to bits with a hammer and throws it in the trash. Clearly a rational man. While he's five feet away at the garbage can, however, the repairman manages to come and go. Don't they always. Opening credits.

Claire comes over with some hand-me-downs for Lily, though she's insulted that Cam and Mitch never actually appear to give them to their daughter. We also learn that Gloria's commissioned yet another family photo, even though the previous episode with that story worked perfectly and dammit writers, that well has run dry. Mitch comes in to complain about Jay, only to find that no one knows that he never played the piano. Meanwhile, Claire and Cam continue to bitch about the clothes.

We learn that the family photo is in order to include Joe, though Gloria's concerned about his looks, even suggesting a spray tan. Phil calls Jay to help him cover up the Record Incident. Apparently, Jay saw him buy it, but he doesn't want his whereabouts at the time known, so they agree that they didn't see each other. However, Jay reveals that he just wanted to shut Phil up for a bit. It turns out he was registering Stella for a dog show. Go figure.

Alex has bumped into her arch-rival Sanjay Patel, who apparently has Crohn's disease, which Alex envies because it gives him a scholarship one-up. She's decided to pick a new, more interesting disease just to look better. Her choice - narcolepsy. Phil attempts to cover his tracks by claiming that the repairman didn't show up, but this just makes Claire angry at the company. She runs to call them while Phil dithers. Cam rails about Claire thinking he's a snob. Mitch wants to dress Lily up to pacify his sister, but they don't have any old pictures, and can't start clothing her in the outfits now - it would look weird. They decide to stage a picture. Fuck, this is dull. Claire continues to harangue the poor innocent repairman, while Phil starts to fall apart. As his eyes close, Alex gets an idea.

Jay registers for the dog show, but is horrified to learn that he has to be in the ring himself - humiliating for a man of his grumpiness. Haley drops Luke off at the laundromat, letting him steal a machine from the guy whom she used to get tickets for Coachella a few years back. "Remind me never to date you," says Luke, proving he has inherited the Dunphy unintentional creepiness genes. Mitch and Cam stage a fake Christmas, which disappoints the hell out of Lily, of course. Mitchell is also annoyed to learn that he's never in any of the family photos, since Cam has to hog the spotlight. As usual, Lily is the only sane one here. Luke can't find the shirt he was having laundered, so Haley rifles through the laundry of Abandoned Guy looking for it. Abandoned Guy catches up to her, and she tries to explain herself by claiming that she's making up for what she did at Coachella. He doesn't quite buy it.

Alex interrogates her dad about his sudden narcolepsy - in a moving car. If this kid got into Harvard, please revoke her admission immediately. She deduces the problem pretty quickly, especially when the song itself ("Nobody Does It Better") happens to be on the radio. Half-asleep, Phil nearly kills them a couple of times in the process. Way to go, Alex.

Gloria takes Joe outside and manages to get half his face sunburned. She admits to Manny that she wanted the baby to look a little darker because the picture will be going to Colombia, and she wants him to look at least a little Colombian. Manny promises to "deal with Joe", which sounds kind of ominous if you ask me. Everyone arrives at Jay and Gloria's, excising their various conflicts. Mitchell feels invisible, Phil is stressed, Alex is using her family as guinea pigs, Luke shows up in a girl's shirt, and Claire unmasks Cam's gambit pretty quickly. Gloria comes in to tell them to STFU, since they should celebrate differences (you know, by burning your son to get him to look like your ethnicity). She bans all clothing gifts for the family's children, which actually stems from the hideous outfits Cam foisted on Joe at his last birthday.

Speaking of which, Manny arrives having painted Joe in the colours of the Colombian flag. Gloria's delighted. Phil tries to fess up to the Record Incident, but they're interrupted when Lily finds a diamond ring in her pocket. It's Claire's, and she's been wearing a fake for months. She took it off to flirt with a traffic cop, you see. They call it a day and the picture is taken, even though they initially forget Mitchell. He throws a tantrum and goes to drink. Jay goes to mollify him, telling him that he's steady and problem-free, so that's why he tends to get lost in the shuffle. He admits that recently he's been trying new things. Mitchell thinks his dad is experimenting with men and about to come out - but in fact, it's the dog show. Fortunately, Mitchell picks his battles and encourages his dad to keep going with it. Manny narrates about the "real you" as the family attends Jay's dog show. And incidentally - Stella has to be included in the picture, of course.

Tag scene - Manny's hurt himself skateboarding, but Stella's mastered the sport. Uh-oh.

This episode was way too splintered and allowed no time for real development. That said, it did have a good moment between Jay and Mitch near the end. All in all, I think Modern Family works best when it cuts down on the storylines in favour of greater exploration. It was better than Australia, though, so things are looking up. With a wedding coming up very soon, this season promises to have a lot of surprises ahead.

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