Regina’s Redeemed, Big-Ass Broaches Change Hands, and It’s A Boy!!!

There’s no easing our way into this episode because the first thing we hear is shrieking. We’re in present-day Storybrooke and David stops his truck and helps a laboring Mary Margaret (MM) out. (And let me just say that very rarely is real-life labor so dramatic. You don’t start with excruciating contractions. You start small and work your way up to excruciating. Yet every time somebody on TV goes into labor, it starts with screaming and the baby is born five minutes later. It’s annoyed me for a long time so I had to get that off my chest. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.)

While Emma, David, and Henry wheel MM into Storybrooke General, caged Mr. Gold frantically spins straw into gold while Zelena watches. At the hospital, MM gets wheeled away with Dr. Whale (who apparently has many, many specialties or is the only doctor in town). Back in the storm cellar, Zelena magics the spun gold into a golden brain. Now she’s got her “heart,†“brain,†and “courage.†All she needs is MM’s baby to cast her time travel spell.

The title card is the Emerald City.

In the Enchanted Forest (EF) past, young Regina learns to magically create a ball of fire in her hands. She’s not doing very well, as Zelena, who’s been watching her remotely, points out to us. “It’s not that difficult.†A flying monkey screeches (is it in labor?) Zelena yells at it for disturbing her when in walks Glinda the good witch of the south, who introduces herself. Glinda thanks Zelena for revealing the scam the Wizard was running.

But then she scolds Zelena, saying she’s wasting her power and she can’t go back in time. She asks Zelena to come with her and to meet her “real†sisters. Oh Glinda, nobody scolds our wicked witch and gets away with it. You better watch yourself.

Back in Storybrooke present, Zelena forces Mr. Gold to dig some sort of shallow circular diagram in the barn. She explains her plan to change the past so she can get what Regina has. Gold tells her no matter what she does to change her past, she’ll always be what she is. (I assume he means a wicked, envious beyotch.)

At the hospital, MM lies on the bed in labor. She is fully clothed. Why? The first thing they do at the hospital when you’re in labor is make you take your clothes off. And she’d be much more comfortable in a hospital gown. But neither David nor MM seem to care. David promises to protect the baby. MM is skeptical. Out in the hall, Emma puts a protection spell over the labor room.

Hook swaggers in. He and Emma argue about Hook keeping the secret about Zelena’s curse. I’m sorry, I’ve gone along with just about everything on this show. I’m willing to suspend disbelief with regard to boobalicious fairies, sympathetic giants, and imps who spin straw into gold; but I cannot keep a straight face when Emma talks about how “Zelena cursed your lips.†There’s no way that doesn’t sound ridiculous. By the way she delivers the line, it appears Jennifer Morrison feels the same way. Hook explains that he was trying to keep Henry safe, but Emma is having none of it. She storms away. (She’s cold, but I like her outfit.) David stops her to tell her to take Hook with her when she faces off with Zelena.

David sounds very stern and fatherly and Emma is every bit the stubborn child when she makes a snide comment about how David and Hook know how to keep secrets. (They had good reasons, Emma.) She insists on fighting Zelena alone. David says no. Emma questions whether Hook can help with one hand. (Low blow, Emma.) David says at least Hook can draw fire, which rightly upsets Hook. Finally Emma agrees. (I don’t blame Hook for being so pouty lately. He’s been treated so poorly.)

Grumpy and Henry arrive, because everyone needs to wait around for the newest Charming. Henry gives Emma a pep talk about her mission to defeat Zelena. Emma hugs him. Regina, who is rocking a red dress, says she’ll keep Henry safe while Emma and Hook go save the day.

In the hospital, Henry sits next to Archie Hopper--because even Jiminy Cricket has been invited to the birth. Henry is looking at want ads for an apartment for himself and Emma. This bit of exposition is so that we know Henry wants to stay in Storybrooke. Henry calls Storybrooke his “home.â€

On the way to Zelena’s farmhouse, Emma says again that she should never have brought Henry back. (Emma, I am tired of having this conversation. It’s done. Move to New York, stay in Storybrooke, but for the love of god, stop talking about it! Can you tell I’ve had it with her today? She is upsetting my lovely Hook.)

Emma blames Hook for manipulating her into returning to Storybrooke. Henry was happy in New York, yada yada yada. Hook patiently explains once again that Emma’s New York life wasn’t real—it was based on false memories. Hook wants to know why Emma’s scared of staying. He thinks it’s because she can see a future in Storybrooke. Emma snarks back, “let me guess. With you?†I don’t know, Hook, maybe it’s time to give up. There must be some other princesses running around town without such chips on their shoulders.

While I’m pondering Hook’s chances of finding love, Zelena and Gold come toward Hook and Emma—because our supposed heroes are standing in a field having made absolutely no attempt to hide themselves. Zelena explains that Emma has to choose between her magic and Hook. She orders Gold to send Hook facedown into a trough of water which just happens to be nearby.

Back in Oz past, Zelena meets the other witches. Glinda explains that each of them represents a special part of magic: love, wisdom, and courage. Mostly they represent BOOBS. The costume designer really went to town. Apparently, witches must have heaving bosoms.  And those big-ass pendants they’re all wearing draw your eye right there.

Zelena wants to know if they can help her travel through time. Glinda says no. They didn’t bring Zelena there to change her past, they brought her there to change her future. She asks Zelena to join them at the table. Zelena asks what the west represents. Glinda says “innocence.†And we all have a good laugh. Not Zelena, though, who points out that she’s not innocent, she’s wicked. Glinda tells her to choose to be good.

One of the booby witches tells Glinda to tell Zelena about the book of records. Glinda is apparently keeper of the book. (She must hide it in her bra.) The book foretells of a sorceress who will come to Oz to protect the realm. The sorceress will be brought there by a cyclone, much like Zelena was.

Glinda gives Zelena an inspirational speech about “being meant for more†and “letting go of your past.†Zelena looks confused and skeptical.

In Storybrooke present, Emma finally gets Hook out of the water. It appears he’s drowned. She attempts to save him by shaking him and calling his name. Finally, she whispers “son of a bitch†and gives him mouth-to-mouth. A green light encircles their lips and white light lifts away from Emma. Her magic is gone. It takes a couple of seconds, but Hook finally starts breathing. When he realizes their lips have touched, he is not happy.

Back in past Oz, Zelena watches through a portal as Rumple teaches Regina magic. She’s furious. Then she turns all Zen and says “I’m over you.†Glinda approves. She gives Zelena her own big-ass pendant which will hold all her power. I would think that the witches would be smarter than to leave all their power in one place, but apparently they are not. So now they are stuck wearing these monstrosities all the time. And while they might be appropriate accessories for the booby gowns, I just don’t see them with a t-shirt and yoga pants.

Glinda shows Zelena that since she has gotten over her envy of Regina, her natural skin tone has returned. Zelena thanks Glinda but Glinda tells her Zelena did it herself.

In Storybrooke present, Zelena and Gold march toward the hospital. The dwarves sound a warning. In the labor room, MM who’s finally changed into a hospital gown, is still pushing. When the lights flicker, they assume Zelena is near; but there’s nothing to be done about it because the baby’s on its way.

In the lobby, Robin Hood and his men take aim at the doorway. Why do they bother? How many times have they dealt with evil queens and wicked witches? They have to know their crossbows are useless. Zelena comes in and knocks them down with a wave of her hand. That’s the nice thing about magic. You can do it while dressed to the nines in high heels or with your boobs hanging out.

Zelena and Gold turn a corner and run into Belle who foolishly tries to argue with Zelena about Gold’s innate goodness. Nobody wants to hear it, sweetie. Zelena waves her hand and Belle is down for the count. Down the hall, Regina sees Zelena approaching. She sends Henry away with Dr. Hopper to find a closet to hide in. If Zelena really wanted to find them, I think she could.

Regina tells Zelena not to take another step. Again, she’s been overpowered by her sister at least twice already, why should this time be different? It’s not. Zelena slams Regina against a wall. I think Regina should be tested for a concussion.

Back in past Oz, Glinda shows Zelena her new western territory when a tornado drops a house nearby. They approach it and help the cyclone victim who tells them her name is Dorothy Gale. Dorothy is confused about this new world of boobies and big-ass broaches. When Glinda invites Dorothy home to meet her sisters, Zelena gives them the side eye. Jealousy has reared its ugly head.  That didn’t take long. The self-esteem issues in this family could keep Dr. Hopper in business for centuries.

In the Storybrooke General delivery room, MM gives one final push. In the hallway, Zelena steps over Regina’s unconscious body.

In the delivery room, the baby is here. It’s a boy!!! But the celebration is short-lived when Zelena storms in, freezes everyone, and takes the Charming baby. MM weeps.

After the commercial we’re back in Oz past having cookies with the breast friends and Dorothy. Giggles ensue. Dorothy says they’ve treated her like family. But Zelena’s not there. She’s hiding behind a potted plant spying on the gathering.

Glinda goes outside to speak to Zelena who continues to act like a child and tells Glinda to go away. When Zelena turns around, we see that the green is seeping back into her skin. She just can’t help but be envious. I don’t know why. The kid does not fill out a costume the way Zelena and her new sisters do.

She tells Glinda that Dorothy is “spunkier, fresher faced, and more innocent than me.†Oh, Zelena, there’s always going to be another ingénue breathing down your neck. You have to learn to deal. But she doesn’t take my advice. Instead, she takes out the book of records and chides Glinda for not telling her everything about the prophecy. The book says that a sorceress will overcome the greatest evil. Zelena assumes Dorothy is the sorceress and she is the greatest evil. Glinda goes all self-help book on Zelena: Zelena can shape her own destiny. If she believes she’s evil, that’s what she’ll become.

In Storybrooke present, Zelena is acting out on her evil predilections. She carries the new Charming baby home, humming a lullaby. At Storybrooke General, David rips off his hospital gown and goes all bad-ass to “get my son back.†But he is thwarted by the fact that his face is too pretty to ever be bad-ass. Regina tries to stop him.

Emma and Hook return. David tells Emma that Zelena took her brother.  I thought Emma might say “Oh, it’s a boy?†but I guess she’s too preoccupied at the moment. She tells David she’s failed at stopping Zelena and that Zelena took her magic. Regina demands to know how it happened. Emma says it doesn’t matter and they need to find another way to stop her. Regina says there is no other way.

Henry begs to differ. He tells Regina she can do it. Everyone explains to him that only someone with strong light magic can defeat Zelena. Regina notes that dark magic “is all I have.†Emma points out that Regina broke the latest curse with true love’s kiss when she kissed Henry. That’s light magic.  Regina reminds them that she doesn’t even have her heart. (In her case, isn’t that an advantage?) Henry says she broke the curse without it, so she can do this.

Up comes Robin Hood, as he always does, walking in on the tail end of things. He agrees with Henry that Regina can beat the witch. Henry explains that even though “once upon a time†Regina was a villain, she is now a hero, and heroes defeat bad guys. So I guess this is Regina’s redemption arc complete. We’re just going to forget about all the ruthless killing she did? How she ruined Emma’s childhood? How she kidnapped Owen and killed his father? Fine. I’ll play along, but only because Regina looks so damn good in that red dress.

Apparently Oz uses well water because that’s where we find Dorothy when Zelena approaches her in all witchy gloriousness—pointy black hat and all. Dorothy is understandably scared by Zelena’s sudden presence as well as her green complexion.

Zelena monologues that the prophecy states that Dorothy will defeat her and she hurls a fireball at Dorothy. What can Dorothy do? She throws the bucketful of water at Zelena who melts in a scene reminiscent of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Dorothy freaks out and calls for Glinda. Dorothy explains what happened. Glinda says this was Dorothy’s destiny and now Dorothy is part of the sisterhood of witches. But Dorothy wants to go home. While Glinda doesn’t have the power to cross realms, she says the wizard can. (Glinda already knows the wizard is a fake. She thanked Zelena for outing him, so this confused me at first. But even though he’s not really a wizard, the guy did somehow get to Oz from another realm so I guess that’s what Glinda is talking about.) They head down the yellow brick road to see the wizard. Back at the well, Zelena re-composes herself.

In Storybrooke present, Zelena takes new baby Charming and places him at one end of her mini crop circle. She tells Gold that when they meet in the past, Rumple will choose her to teach magic. Gold promises to kill her no matter where she goes in time.

Zelena enacts the time travel spell, enveloping the circle in a ring of fire. The Savior Squadron approaches. Emma tells Regina “Go, I’ve got your back.†Robin Hood adds, unnecessarily, “I’ve got your heart.†Really, Robin? Now? Cheesy, unless he really,  literally has her heart, which I thought Zelena stole. But I digress.

Regina orders Gold to kill them all. Gold tells Emma to get the dagger, then the Dark One can help them. Regina tries to grab the pendant. Zelena knocks her back, then calls out the big guns—the flying monkeys. Robin at last says something worthwhile when he mentions that some of the monkeys might be friends of theirs cursed by Zelena. David talks about using a gentle touch, but I don’t see how that will help.

Zelena shows she’s her mother’s daughter when she magically lifts Regina up by the neck the same way Cora in the EF back in the day. She snarls that only light magic can harm her and Regina is “dark as they come. It was your destiny to be this way.†Oh, I see what they’re doing. Zelena thinks that being evil is a fate, it’s inevitable and unchangeable. Since we’ve just seen Regina redeemed, I think she’s going to teach Zelena a thing or two. And Regina doesn’t disappoint when she tells Zelena “Don’t tell me what I can be.†Hitting us over the head with this lesson, aren’t they?

Zelena tells how she tried to be good, but wicked is “who I am.†Just in case you didn’t realize that Regina and Zelena had differing viewpoints.

Oh, for god’s sake, what is Robin Hood doing, mincing around with that crossbow? While I’m distracted by him, Regina taps into her light magic and zaps Zelena across the barn. Then Regina drives the point home when she tells Zelena “I make my own destiny.†Okay, show, I think we’ve got the jist.

Regina grabs the big-ass broach off Zelena’s neck thereby rendering her and her time travel spell powerless. Now the monkeys attack, but before anyone gets hurt, they transform back into their former selves, since Zelena’s not controlling them anymore. Yay, there’s Little John. I was hoping to see Phillip and Aurora, but they are nowhere to be found.

David runs over and grabs his son who has apparently come out of the burning ring of fire unscathed.

Regina tells Zelena she’s failed. Then Gold grabs the knife and tries to kill Zelena until Regina screams “no!†She seems to be going cold turkey with this no more evil thing. Gold can’t believe that Regina is letting Zelena live. But Regina insists. Good magic doesn’t exact vengeance. Oh, all of a sudden she’s the expert on good magic? And what the hell is Robin Hood doing standing behind Regina with that freaking crossbow? Either give this guy a part or keep him out of the scene.

Regina continues pontificating “Heroes don’t kill.†Zelena practically spits at her. “So now you’re a hero†Regina smirks “Today I am.â€

Back in Oz past, Glinda takes Dorothy to see the wizard. He’s behind the curtain again. Dorothy asks for help getting home. The (in this case) golden slippers appear on her feet. She clicks her heels and disappears, hopefully back to Kansas.

Glinda thanks the wizard for his help, but then the curtains fall to reveal it was Zelena pretending to be the wizard. She just did that melty Indiana Jones thing to fool everyone and send Dorothy away. Glinda vows to stop her and Zelena exiles her to the EF.

In present-day Storybrooke jail, Zelena sits in a cell and asks Regina why she just doesn’t kill her. No, don’t, Zelena, she’s just going to get on her soap box again. Too late. Regina tells her she knows what it’s like to not get the life you think you deserve. Zelena’s not buying what Regina’s selling. Regina got to be queen; she had everything. Regina tells Zelena she lost the love of her life. Zelena says their mother did it to help Regina achieve greatness. Regina replies that if she had succeeded in her evil plan to kill Snow White she wouldn’t have her son. Regina is going to give Zelena a second chance.

Zelena, like a spoiled child, asks what if she doesn’t want a second chance?  Stop engaging your sister, Zelena, or she will never shut up. Regina encourages Zelena to take advantage of this second chance. “Evil isn’t born, it’s made, and so is good.†I guess we’re talking nature versus nurture here. Regina tells Zelena to create a new destiny for herself or Regina will kill her. Regina leaves to hide the big-ass broach in her vault. She gives a truly evil grin as she does. Hmmm. Maybe that whole speech was a lot of b.s.

At his shop, Mr. Gold seems contemplative. Belle walks in. They embrace, talk about her faith in him in spite of all he’s done. He will never comprehend why she continues to stand by his side. Neither will I. And these two bore me to tears so forgive me if I skim over this. Belle has gotten the Dark One dagger from Regina and gives it to Gold to show she believes in him. Gold gives it back to her to show he trusts her. Then he asks her to marry him. She says yes. They are overjoyed. I am not.

David walks into MM’s hospital room with the baby. She must be drugged because she’s just laying there when she really should be frantic. She looks up, takes the baby and it’s all very sweet. Emma smiles at the family. I’d be resentful that this new kid is going to get to stay with his parents, but I’m not a fairy princess. Hook comments on the rarity of seeing Emma smile. Yes, Hook finally you notice. She has been a bitch lately.

Hook thanks Emma for saving his life and asks if Emma’s power has returned. She says no, but she won’t need it in New York. She really likes to twist the knife. Hook looks crestfallen as Henry goes in to see the baby, but manages a half-hearted smile at the glowing family.

Meanwhile, back at the jail, Gold pays Zelena a visit and explains that he pulled a fast one on Belle and switched daggers, a trick he learned from his father. See Belle? This guy just cannot be trusted.

When Gold pulls out the dagger, Zelena is terrified. Gold says he’s vindicating his son and stabs Zelena. She turns to glass (ceramic?) and breaks into tiny pieces. As Gold walks away, the remnants of Zelena disappear and we cut to Regina’s vault where green smoke comes from the box with the big-ass broach and heads toward Zelena’s farm, and the time-traveling ring of fire.

What does this mean? Is Zelena really dead? Will she time travel? More importantly, what is baby Charming’s name? Hopefully we’ll find out next week in the two-hour season finale.

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