Yup, it's time for another Modern Family already. That's what screwing with the schedule will do to you. Let's see what they have to offer tonight.

Manny is pretentious and Jay unsophisticated, as usual. When Jay discovers that his stepson hates pickles, all hell breaks loose. He gives him a huge lecture on not being picky, because otherwise he'll get beaten up. Manny is forced to try a pickle, leading to the opening credits. Lamest setup ever? Probably.

Cam is dismayed that the Tonys are coming to the wedding. Not those Tonys, a couple both named Tony who are complete pains in the asses. They join a long list of jerk wedding guests. What's more, the wedding is way over budget, because apparently the Tucker-Pritchetts are completely unable to plan in any way. Cam is falling apart, but rejects Mitchell's every suggestion. We get a couple of nice comments from Sociopathic Lily. Mitchell is going to have to sell his prized comics, and Cam his precious belt buckle. Fortunately, this Gift of the Magi scenario is interrupted when they decide to cut the "balloon budget" instead. Eep.

Claire pulls out some old pictures n'stuff, which prompts some trips down memory lane and awkward comments from Phil. There are also plenty of nerdy pictures. Phil admits that he is sensitive about being considered below Claire's "league". They even find Phil's old answering machine, which somehow still works, and has a gem of a message in which Mitch politely explains why he can't continue to date Phil's (female) cousin. There's also a message from Claire, letting him know that she's pregnant. Before they were married. Oops. Haley flips out, especially when she hears that she was conceived in a car at a contest. The kids recover remarkably quickly, though, and decide to play with the answering machine.

Jay and Manny are still in a pickle standoff. Jay thinks he should try new things, Manny points out he's a hypocrite, and they continue their endless dance. And guys, I hate to say it, but Rico Rodriguez is no actor. In terms of woodenness, I think he rivals my dresser.

Cam tries to sell his famous belt buckle, which breaks his heart. However, it turns out it's a gas station replica, which is worth zip. Mitch turns to his Spider-man comic, which looks a lot more promising.

The Dunphy kids get their answering machine revenge, using voice clips and a bit of editing to send a message that she's pregnant...again. Okay, the Dunphy kids have officially replaced Lily (and Satanic Joe) as the most evil children on the show. Except one's legally old enough to drink and the other two are in high school, so it's even worse. Phil leaves his golf game to find his wife, while someone prepares another level in Hell for his kids.

Mitch gives Cam back the buckle, claiming that it was clearly too important to sell. Also, apparently Cam's grandpa had a longstanding friendship with Wyatt Earp (d 1929). In order to even out the Pickle War, Gloria sits them both down and forces Manny to try the pickle, and Jay to try Colombian blood sausage. Jay, meanwhile, gets Gloria to pet Stella's belly, which apparently freaks her out. This is dumb, moving on.

Phil comes home all excited about the new baby, which understandably confuses the hell out of Claire. Meanwhile, the Pritchett-Delgados try their respective gross things and practically puke, freaking out Cam and Mitch, who have conveniently arrived to find the comic book. Gloria suggests asking Jay for financial help, but Mitchell is uncomfortable with taking money from his dad. Mitchell retrieves the comic and marches sadly to the store - but drops it in a puddle in the driveway.

Over at the Dunphys', Claire and Phil have figured out that the kids were behind the prank and decide to have some fun with it. The kids come home to a huge fight between their parents, in which Claire and Phil accuse each other of never wanting the children, and blame them for the marriage. When Claire falsely claims that she should have married some other guy instead, Phil is genuinely hurt and walks away stunned. The kids are ashamed, except Luke, who thinks they got their parents good. Really.

The comic is destroyed beyond repair, and in his subsequent anger, Mitch tells Cam the truth about Wyatt Earp. Gloria suggests financial help from Jay, and Jay suggests they tone the wedding down from a "spectacle". This is supposedly played as homophobic, but I dunno, he kind of has a point. Mitchell sees this as a sign of disapproval, especially since none of Jay's friends are invited. Jay tries to mollify him, pointing out that he was just as disappointed when Claire married Phil. See, he's not a homophobe, he just shouldn't talk ever. He goes on to explain that he doesn't know what's going to happen at this wedding, and it scares him. Mitchell calls out his dad on being uncomfortable with change. Jay protests that he should get to be his own bigoted self. The arguing escalates, and Jay winds up un-invited. Cam and Mitch leave the house while Gloria purses her lips.

Claire and Jay hash out their own fight. Phil overheard her saying something about "a comfortable choice my dad hated" and assumed she was referring to him, and has been feeling terrible about it since. Turns out she was talking about an item of clothing. They wonder whether they would have wound up together had it not been for Haley, and decide they were lucky things happened that way. The kids eavesdrop outside and are relieved to hear that it's going to be okay, but then the infamous door lock is heard, so they run for the hills.

We get a twenty-year-old clip from the answering machine again. This time, it's Mitchell apologizing for Jay's bad reaction to Claire's pregnancy. He also finds another excuse not to date the cousin. In their respective homes, Jay and Mitchell are both devastated. End of episode. Tag scene: Stella wants Gloria to rub her belly, and she refuses. The dog follows her around the house. Finally, Gloria gives in.

Well, all I can say is...wow. Even though the setups were all kind of ridiculous on their own, featuring some truly deplorable behaviour from several characters, it paid off very nicely in the two scenes between Claire and Phil, and Jay and Mitchell. I doubt the latter's estrangement will stick, but it was beautifully and heartbreakingly played out. With the wedding episodes starting next week, we'll have to see what comes next.

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