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Continued Cranky (or stupid stuff people say in front of me)

clueliss

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Adding to the ongoing cranky I that has set up residence (note, I have a depression diagnosis and actually do see my doc on Friday.  The angry/cranky I have going on is on the mental agenda) is something stupid/insensitive that was discussed in front of me.  Yes, I know/figure - logically at least - that they weren't aiming this at me.  However to convince the inner negative voice that lives in my head and over analyzes EVERYTHING is a whole nightmare of impossible.

I walked into a conversation with 3 coworkers.  Now I tend to live in my head (high introvert) and self-isolate a lot.  I'm working on being more sociable at work.  (especially since I am in the not head buried in my desk due to a mountain of time sensitive work portion of my year).   So i interact.  And get treated to a conversation about one coworkers gastric surgery and someone at another location is brought up who lost a lot of weight (loss amount is mentioned) and then a photo is shared of her before/after tummy tuck operation to remove the excess skin.  Coworker who had gastric then talks about what she wants done later.  And the whole 'oh as long as insurance is picking it up' bit is mentioned * (astrick because we'll come back to that point in my cranky rant).

As someone who is very overweight and knows she needs to/should lose weight this is a sensitive topic for me.  And while my attitude is hey yeah good job there for the coworker who went with surgery I sort of mentally feel pressure to lose weight.  And while part of me is ready, I'm also dealing with mom stress and a gimpy foot.  And the cranky I've got going is probably an indicator that I'm not all the way to that point where weight loss is going to work.  I've been down this path before.  It was the oh she lost a ton of weight (100 pounds) and knowing that in the past I have lost that much bit that sent me into a bit of a spin yesterday.  The resident critic went into overdrive.  And now here I am unloading here in an effort to get this out of my head so maybe I can move on.  

* Now back to that astrick.  "Insurance will pay for it.' has become a bit of a peeve with me.  This could be an education/generation/experience thing since the person I've heard a few times now use that is young.  The fact is just about every employer in my adult life has been self insurnce.  Oh yes, the Acme Inusrance Company may be on your insurance or prescripton card(s) but they technically only manage the insurance for your employer.  Your employer pays most of those bills.  And big surgeries like these will go toward next year's calculations and hike my insurance rate up.  (not this year's because her gastric surgery was late in the year).  and when she does the plastic surgery end of this again everyone else will end up paying more.  And yes, this employer is indeed self-insured.  

So I have a really hard time cheering someone doing this.  Yes, I could probably do surgery too.  But I've never wanted to.  And, having seen what she has gone through with this surgery and the limits she has after?  The answer is No.  Just No.  

Now back to battling those mental demons.

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SoSoNosy

SoSoNosy 7,844

Posted

Can I give you a huge hug?  And then..

I know/know of five people who have had this surgery.  One is young, and I only know of her through my daughter; she has lost and kept off a lot of weight, she is doing Zumba and apparently really paying attention to her diet.  Two of them lost a ton of weight and then gained it right back; they aren't old but not really young, maybe 40's.  One of them lost a lot, then gained most of it back and her health spiraled downward.  At the end of her life, she was taking 16 pills twice a day, she had all kinds of health issues, and then she died a lot younger than she should have.  The fifth was my husband, so I have intimate knowledge of this case.  He always, always wanted instant gratification on everything.  He did crash diets, diet pills, you name it, but he never lost his addiction to food.  He decide to have the surgery and pay for it out of pocket, and he did.  So no counseling (he knew the doctor he was sent to, they talked horse racing and the doctor signed off on it), he did meet with a nutritionist but talk is just talk.  He did beautifully with the weight loss, but unknown to us, cancer was forming in his bile ducts; it's a very rare cancer.  The cancer causes joint pain, he took prednisone and it ate through his internal stitches so he had to have emergency surgery for that.  The joint pain never went away, the cancer also causes constant nausea but we chalked that up to the surgery because that surgery causes a LOT of nausea.   He never lost his cravings for food.  He was skeletal when he died.  The lady who died was a friend's mother.

I know I have been really wordy, and could probably be stalked from this information, but I really don't care.  I just want you to know that the surgery isn't all it's cracked up to be; I am in the process of trying to convince a personal friend of this very fact.  I know that in order for insurance to cover it in the US, there is a huge process to go through.

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violynn

violynn 4,190

Posted

I'm sorry your internal voice took this on to nag you with.  Gastric surgery is only the start of the battle.  My daughter's step mom had it done, lost a lot of weight, but because her insurance didn't cover the surgeries for all the skin tightening she needs (over 3 inches alone around her knees, not to mention her torso, back, etc) she is still miserable about her looks and has issues with how limited her diet is.  None of that addresses feeling pointed out, of course, but maybe will make you feel better about your decision not to have the surgery.

Also, before I knew depression also manifests in anger, I gave myelf a hard time for being cranky.  Remember you are dealing with brain chemicals and cut yourself some slack.

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SoSoNosy

SoSoNosy 7,844

Posted

I forgot about the excess skin issues because my husband 1)kept it hidden from me as much as possible, and 2)didn't live long enough to decide whether or not to have further surgery.  It was a major issue, though, and he would have had to address it eventually.

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clueliss

clueliss 31,961

Posted

Well - in an interesting follow up to this blog entry AND this post

It turns out that the person cooking bacon in the microwave here at work (and really, there needs to be a rule) is also the gastric surgery person.  

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