I Might be a Wee Bit Moody
Entry posted by clueliss
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I might be moody. Or angry. Or annoyed. Or something. I woke up this way last Friday. Yesterday was better. I thought, oooh maybe the mood is waning. Yeah - no. Today it is back in full force. So I'm here. Door to the office closed for the safety of others. I've tried analyzing where this came from.
I do have one source. I've been reluctant to discuss it because people will come, read, and do the, as Cousin K puts it, 'socially acceptable' response. Which doesn't do much for me. My father died. Thursday. I closed the door on the relationship and declared it over some years back. For my own sanity. He had issues. And, as his brother put it, a chip on his shoulder. I just couldn't do the wafting in and out of my life at his own whim to make himself feel better crap any longer. I was the favorite. A role I was highly uncomfortable with. I was told 2 years ago by a friend of his (we'll come back to that in a moment) that he was dying. I told her I had no interest in seeing him. Sorry, but just no. I felt nothing. Well, actually, I felt annoyed. Annoyed because said friend of his first bothered my mother (who I later realized had dementia and there fore had NO idea what she was saying or who to or why) who babbled enough information for said friend to more or less stalk me via the internet - employer name plus location plus linkedin and voila - a call to me. At. Work. And said friend of his wanted me to visit him? Nope. I felt nothing for him.
Last summer one of my cousins died (COPD/emphysema/pneumonia). At the funeral his sister and my uncle bugged me about my father. Have you heard from him? Where is he? So to give my uncle closure, I dug through the information I had and found the phone number of the friend and gave it to my cousin. I only had the information because my only means of contact (maybe) with my sister (who is presently AWOL and not communicating with seemingly anyone) is via Facebook messages. She cares less about our father than I do. But I gave her the phone number in case the woman called and harassed her about this. Meaning I still had the information in said message. Anyway I shared the information and moved on. Because at the time I was in the middle of dealing with mom and dementia and putting her in a home and estate sale and trailer sale and all sorts of fun things I wouldn't wish on anyone.
So the weekend before my cousin called to pass on the message that he was on hospice. She tried to tell hospice I wouldn't come. Over-zealous hospice worker was looking out for my father who wanted closure/to tell me he was sorry (yet again). Cousin D refused to share my info but passed the message along. To which I said, I have closure, I have nothing to say. Then the call on Thursday about him dying (not a shock, hello, two years earlier plus hospice).
And it may have set me off. In a yet again the sanctity of my solitude, which I need for self care and healing from other stuff (Mom. Busy season at work, depression) has been invaded. But really, I think it was that plus other crap and just a good, ordinary funk that has set in. Doing a to/from KC round trip for the third week in a row on Saturday probably didn't help meaning my weekend didn't have enough down time. And then hello month end.
Really, I don't like feeling this way and I'm only babbling here in a giant wall o' text in the hopes that letting some of it out my alleviate some of the funk. (Also because I'm a tad ticked over things not being communicate to me on a timely enough basis for me to say fix spreadsheets in advance of month end close and now I'm trying to self calm).
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