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Truly, Lawfully, Evilly Yours

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This Fucking Summer

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lawfulevil

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This fucking summer. This fucking year, really. So. My marriage, which limped along while I was super depressed because I just didn't care, is really rocky right now. I'm not sure he knows that it's total shit- I think he thinks everything is great. I mean, I finally stopped nagging him. I'm just really quiet all the time. I never ask him to do anything around the house anymore and just do it all myself. Because I'm fucking tired of having to tell a grown man, over and over and over again, that he needs to put effort into his own life outside of work. For the first time in a long time I'm thinking about the future and I'm just exhausted by the thought of however many more decades with him. I get one life and I'm not sure I want to spend it as someone's damn live-in help- there is no mystical property of a penis that prevents the owner of said genitals from cleaning the shower once in a fucking while, without being reminded six times, and without whining about it.

It all came to a head when one of his friends (who, silly me, I thought was my friend too- hahaha, no) told him that he's avoiding me on purpose (we're next door neighbors, it was getting pretty weirdly obvious) because he's got some Mike Pence flavored asshole ideas about the world. Well, the dude didn't acknowledge his own Mike Penceness, just said that he won't be alone with his friends' wives*. Like, what the fuck, dude, I'm a PERSON. I'm a PERSON. I don't BELONG to my husband, and I don't just drop my fucking pants every time I'm alone in a room with someone! As a matter of fact, the vast majority of times I have ever been alone with another human being, I was wearing my pants the whole time. The whole time!

*I'll note that this rule was clearly not in existence last year, before I lost 50 pounds.

Believe it or not I swallowed my rage (it took some serious swallowing) and did not make him eat his own mailbox. See? Agency. Choices. Not ruled by my emotions/gonads/instincts. Almost like I'm people or something.

Like, holy shit guys, I'm being treated like I'm an appliance with tits by basically all sides these days. This sucks and MANY things officially tasted better than thin feels.


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14 Comments


Khan

Posted

If you were in Jersey I'd happily bake  a peach tart and split it with you. Homemade vanilla ice cream on top if so desired.    Congratulations on the huge weight loss success!  

I've noticed that a HUGE number of men don't seem to give a rat's ass about cleaning since they have housekeeper (us).   I'm sorry you are going through this and that your neighbor has his head up his posterior.     

:hug:

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littlemommy

Posted

It's so troubling and baffling to me when I get hints of my husband's small streaks of misogyny. Most of the time he's very pro-women, but then there's something like watching an unmarried woman have an affair with a married man on TV and calling HER the slut. Huh??? I give him a pretty serious side-eye in those moments and feel that angry, lost at sea feeling. 

I can't imagine feeling that way all the time, like it sounds you are (or at least frequently). You shouldn't have to. Hopefully you can talk to your husband before he settles comfortably into being the next Ken Alexander, calling you "babes" and patting your head. 

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lawfulevil

Posted

My husband so rarely does anything where you can point to it, go "that, that's misogyny", and not sound crazy. It's a pattern of small choices and small exclusions, and it took me a really long time to even notice it because previous exes were... less than subtle. What you think of when you think "misogynist". Compared to them, he's a saint, and compared to my family, he's warm and affectionate. It's just that as I sort my own shit out I realize what low bars those really are...

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Khan

Posted

It's little stuff that adds up. When the best thing you can say about a relationship is "At least he doesn't beat her." It makes me sad.  Learned helplessness is incredibly common and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with it.  Maybe a clue by four will strike soon? Ticker tape parades for cleaning a toilet shouldn't be necessary. 

20170823_014935.png

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lawfulevil

Posted

There's definitely chore wars, but it's not just that- it's that my wants are always secondary to his wants, and sometimes my needs are as well. Example- the living room has a gigantic TV and he's already talking about replacing it with an EVEN BIGGER TV, but my desire to replace the crappy college-dorm-level end tables with something I trust to hold a lamp successfully... ha. It'll never happen. If he can't park his ass on it and play Fallout, it doesn't exist. My feelings on the subject are irrelevant.

He'll then point out I just bought a kitchen item, and ignore the fact that my new kitchen item cost $80 (not several thousand dollars), replaced something that was broken (not a perfectly good one), and does something that benefits everyone in the house equally (cook tasty food).

Very few things I buy are just for me, most of what he buys is just for him, and he refuses to understand the difference.

On the bright side, it looks like I have time to visit the Goodwill furniture store today. Everyone cross your fingers for me, hope I find something acceptable.

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Khan

Posted

Yes! "You just bought a toaster! I can totally buy a new gaming computer!"   Uhm, yeah. I'm extra sad that you aren't around here. I love thrift shopping and drive the Van of Doom(tm). I'd be delighted to take you to some of the many stores around in a hunt for good stuff. If you have time on weekends don't forget estate sales.   I wish I had magical words to offer that would comfort you or make you at least smile.  All I can offer really is we've got your back.

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Grimalkin

Posted

     I'm sorry. His wants coming before yours is a huge deal. More than the chores, mainly because different people are comfortable with different levels of tidiness and my husband honestly doesn't notice some things I do. Which to me is unintentional, while his stuff taking priority is more intentional. He may not realize that either. I hope you figure things out one way or another. Really sorry you had a crappy summer. I can relate. I hope you feel better.

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lawfulevil

Posted

Thanks guys. I did score a Lane end table for $20, so my thrifting hasn't been TOTAL crap this summer.

I still wish I could go with Khan though. A peach tart AND someone else driving? Heaven. I'll alternate between stuffing my face and hanging my head out the window like a dog.

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Khan

Posted

Ooh. Pics of table? Finding decent furniture is a bit of a rush for me. 

Peach tart, fresh homemade grape jam, and blackberry pie.  I've got very large dogs that would love to rest their heads on your shoulders so you look like Cerberus in my passenger seat. :hello-kitty-clap:

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church_of_dog

Posted

I am that person who goes into a "junque" store or yard sale or thrift store and says "I don't want any of those knick-knacks, but is that shelf/table they're displayed on for sale?"

I'm sorry about your fucking summer, @lawfulevil :group-hug:

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catlady

Posted

@lawfulevil, you could easily be describing Mr. CatLady.  and what is it with men and big tv's?  almost every man i know who is over age 22 thinks a tv must be the size of the largest wall in the room, and anything smaller is just crap.  don't even get me started on sound systems......

seriously though, hugs and best wishes to you. :my_heart:

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lawfulevil

Posted

Oh my god catlady, that is EXACTLY true. He asked me recently to calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle with a 16:9 side ratio where the longer side is 70 inches.

I didn't think about that very well and answered him and now he wants an 80" TV.

(It's just over 70 inches between the 2 windows on that wall.)

Khan- it's not one of the really pretty Lane tables, but it matches the room well and it's quite sturdy. The finish is battered though. I'm probably going to refinish it (I think it's bad enough it doesn't have original value left).

Please excuse the dust- my baseboard cleaning time has been a little short lately.

IMG_20170823_153457.jpg.a1e4ea994b051d53700ffba619535d81.jpg

There was no end table in that corner at all before- and the other 2 are a cheap little sofa-arm one and a FILING CABINET. Wood, but, still.

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Khan

Posted

@lawfulevilI hope your weekend was ok. Refinishing stuff can be fun. I find using a sander to be quite therapeutic. Thinking happy thoughts at you.

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lawfulevil

Posted (edited)

You guys emboldened me to say "fuck it" and spend some money. One trip to the consignment store later...

zomgweasels.jpg.1c03b276f7f325e931979f1eb9df1a58.jpg

New table, cabinets (I'm going to change the stain and hardware on them- there's one on the other side of the TV too), and a giant (over 4 by 5!) leather coffee table that's a little faded but the leather is really good quality so I think it can be rescued- and I think I'll take it a little bluer while I'm at it.

So it still needs work but my God, it almost looks like ADULTS live here now. The dog toys have a home.

My husband is sort of reluctantly pleased. He didn't want to spend the money, but on the other hand he invited his friends over to see, so...

Edited by lawfulevil
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  • Posts

    • quiversR4hunting

      Posted

      4 hours ago, Liza said:

      Snipped from @Liza From Ken: "...There is certainly men who are not loving and caring for their wife and family as they should, but we get about a husband a week asking us what he can do with his difficult wife, and how his marriage revolves around her difficult and often mean demeanor..."

      Let me think of the ways that the wife might be difficult (from my friends and my own experiences)

      1. He is out with friends all the time. (for example: golf, fantasy football, hunting anything you can get a license for)

      2. He volunteers for everything and is never home (for example: volunteer fire department, Masons/Lions club)

      3. He doesn't do the simplest tasks at home (put laundry in the hamper*, read to the kids, help check homework, play with the kids)

      4. He has to "rest" when he gets home from work, meanwhile the wife (who also works) is busy putting dinner on the table, carting kids to and fro and checking homework.

      5. The "manly" chores don't get done (the leaky sink, lawn mowing, patching a hole in the wall, cleaning the garage) without a lot of reminders and finally nagging by the wife.

      6. The wife has to figure out everyone's schedule, remind everyone and sign all paperwork for events and deadlines.

      7. The wife pays all the bills and the husband has champagne tastes on Bud Light wages.

      So, @Ken all these father duties and husband duties go months and years with neglect, it will make a "difficult" wife because she needs some help from her PARTNER. If she wanted to marry a child, she might as well have adopted one from foster care instead of marrying a man child.

      I have had friends after awhile say- if I am going to do everything myself, I might as well be by myself.

      *if a person has 2.5 kids plus a husband, doing laundry is a chore and if there are more kids laundry is an every day all day affair and if the wife has to pick up and sort laundry from every room and pick up all the random dropped dirty laundry around the house it gets frustrating very fast.

       

      0
    • WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?

      Posted

      2 hours ago, seraaa said:

      I, too, think it's interesting that they target international students. Are international students regarded as being more religious than home students, and so therefore more open to religious discussions? Or is there another motivation, like wanting to establish themselves in more countries? 

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      0
    • Palimpsest

      Posted

      2 minutes ago, church_of_dog said:

      But no choice on the part of a customer, even that of accepting bigoted treatment quietly, means that it's ok for the service provider to behave that way.

      Tacit permission.  Excellent post, @church_of_dog.

      0
    • Captain Obvious

      Posted (edited)

      On 21/09/2017 at 3:23 PM, ihaveanexamintwodays said:

      you guys i figured out how to do spoilers O.o #technologicallychallenged lol.

      Here's something like what I'd imagine Jessa in:

        Hide contents

      59c34a002e137_ScreenShot2017-09-17at4_46_40PM.thumb.png.20be472c1cc00f591c030376b6d7469f.png

      And here's what I'd imagined as being more Joy's style:

        Hide contents

      modest-wedding-dresses-under-500-XdnT.jp

      Meanwhile, Anna we don't know what wedding-dress style she might have gone with if she'd not worn her sister's, but thinking about how very basic and unassuming she was in the 18kac days......here's my preferred young-Anna-ish version of the simple short-sleeved gown:

        Hide contents

      0d7449d8fe8a32474652fbc3219b277b--bridal

       

      Oooh, I'm going to play too!

      I honestly wouldn't change anything about Jessa and Kendra's dresses, apart from making them higher quality versions of the same things really. I thought both dresses really suited them and their personalities.

      Don't get me wrong, Jinger's dress was spectacular and she looked beautiful, but I wasn't entirely sure if if it was really her style at the time. This is more of what I pictured for her.

      Spoiler

      s635402862218861374_p50_i12_w640.jpeg.b89eaf5b29334654bd57e4054e715dd3.jpeg

      For Joy, as a non-girly girl, I'd have picked something minimalist but still with a full skirt, since apparently a train was important to her. 

      Spoiler

      TB7702-1000x1320.thumb.jpg.7038350c42f9616f5d98505a34aa43ca.jpg

      TB7702B-1000x1320.thumb.jpg.5f9c2b712fbec743df09ba97b65d0779.jpg

      For Jill - the same sort of vibe, but  without the need for modesteining.

      Spoiler

      Maggie-Sottero-Wedding-Dress-Lindsey-Marie-7MT422-Main.thumb.jpg.bc6815c2b479de290daf2c1428d5013a.jpg

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      Spoiler

      ade8f871ab9564a94ca34e6b2b018f04.thumb.jpg.bfc65e92707af5d7ac82b491ba65b6e2.jpg

       

      Edited by Captain Obvious
      0
    • CelticGoddess

      Posted

      12 hours ago, usmcmom said:

       

      This is Ken Alexander,  who has said that hunger is not a real issue and, even if it was, starvation is not such a painful way to die. This is a man who tried to convince his readers moleststion among siblings is normal. This is a man who can't fathom why a woman would need to move into a shelter to protect herself from an abusive husband. This is a man who has suggested that IF a woman left her husband because of abuse, she should pop in every few days to cook and clean for him. 

      Finally, I think this is a man who gave up his dream to be a minister because his spoiled shrew of a wife could not live below a certain financial level. He knew what she was like before they got married - they fought constantly from day one - yet he married her anyway. 

      All that to say, there are some really ugly people with really ugly beliefs living in that beautiful home. 

       

      I didn't like Ken to begin with, but now, I am thinking thoughts my Goddess is not happy with.   He and Lori deserve each other, through all of eternity.  That's all I have.  Except this, I hope he rots

      2