Been in a weird place in my head lately...I've been fine with having no real friends irl for ages...it was actually really freeing when I realized I didn't have to put up with all the superficial crap I hate to hang out with people who I didn't like all that much anyway.  But lately I've been thinking about people who used to mean a lot to me.  Friends I loved at one point.

Some of them I think about and wonder why I don't miss them.  I should - they didn't do anything wrong...I just drifted.  I loved them once and now? I hope they are doing well, but not enough to find out.  This isn't normal.  People who manage to have lasting friendships for decades ...lifetimes...I'm in awe of that in a way.  Because it's something i can't understand and is so beyond my capabilities it might as well be wizardry.

One of those friends once told me, back when we were close, that my ability to be just be done with people scared her.  I've been thinking about that a lot lately - trying to see a pattern.  I can't find one.  I've walked away from extended family for reasons, final conversation in one case but in the rest just done.  No drama, no rehashing, no forwarding address.  I've done it with friends my whole life...some I didn't like enough from the start to be worth the maintenance, some who needed more from me than I was capable of giving, but mostly just drift.  I've got a way of closing chapters of my life like books I won't read again.  I can remember the plot and many characters, some fondly some not, but they're on the shelf neatly put away.  They have nothing to do with the chapter I'm working on now.

The flip side is I have deep and real love for some people I don't want to speak to.  Some family...a couple others from the past.  The thought of a conversation or re connection fills me with dread or annoyance (depending on the person.)   Anxiety even when history proves meetings are pleasant.  These are people I would give large sums of money without a second thought, if I had it and they needed it.  People who can have any of my organs should the need arise.  People from whom I would take their pain and personal struggles onto myself if I could - so they could be happy. People who could live in my house if they needed a place to stay.  People who I have and will drop what I'm doing for as long as it takes if they have a crisis and need practical assistance.

But hanging out or just talking without a project, a goal, task oriented urgency?  It's physically painful before and after...even when it was just lovely.

I know my distance is painful for some of them, but I don't know how to be any other way.   I have letters to them in my safe, with the insurance papers and pics of Jani Lane wearing my panties around his neck (don't ask - it only sounds dirty) letters telling them how much I love them - what they've given me and how much they meant to me.  So as long as I go first I'm all set.  

The ones who find it painful hide behind humor.  How hard I am to get a hold of how I forget to return texts and emails - chalking it up to another one of my quirks like how I'm always late and can't ever find my sunglasses.  But I know these people.  They know calling me on it will send me running in my head so even though the amount of contact may not change the distance will increase.  At some point I think some are just grateful I'm around at all - even tangentially - and it's too risky to address it.

I keep these people whom I love so much from criticizing me by threatening them with the loss of contact.  It's unspoken but I know I'm doing it.  I need to control the depth of my relationships so much that as despicable as it is I can live with my actions.  Some people control others with drama or abuse...I've always patted myself on the back for not being one of those people.  I'm not going to get angry or make a scene...I'm just going to remove myself. I'm coming to realize that doesn't make me a better person than the yelling people...it makes me a quiet bully.  And not for nothing but I'm well aware you can demand someone stop yelling at you but you can't demand someone spend time with you or care about you without seeming like you're the problem.  

Idk - just trying to get in my own head and figure out why I'm so fucked up ...a little late in life ....too late for it to matter.  But I'm bored and it's a puzzle I'd like to solve.

I just find it fascinating and highly irritating that in my brain doors to my past ...long since closed and nailed shut and painted over...are flinging open forcing things to the fore of my consciousness that I'd long since declared complete.  And this internal struggle to figure out what's wrong with me is quite unwelcome.  At this stage in life a sudden overwhelming need to become self aware is really inconvenient...and it's fucking painful.  

Visceral pain from desperately missing someone I haven't seen in 30 years.  Someone who, if I saw irl, I'd tell was mistaken if he recognized me.  Not her - sorry.  Anger at a sibling having some kind of epiphany about neglecting relationships and now wants to get together more often.  Anger that they need something from me I don't want to give and anger that they are daring to suggest changing the paradigm now.  Anger that they are so understanding about not pushing it I can't justify cutting off completely.

Anger at my own psyche for changing the game on me.  

My kids are the only people I have never distanced.  The only people for whom affection is easy and comfortable...love openly expressed and my attachment is sacred and overrides everything.  They are coming into their own and breaking away which is healthy and important and I'm so proud of them....but I'm grateful for the time they can spare for their old mom and ridiculously happy when they want me to make them something to eat or need a favor.  I would never want them to curtail their independence because mommy is lonely and kind of crazy...I love that they are having their own lives and adventures ...seeing the results of some pretty okay parenting come to fruition is nice.  Just odd that I can't conceive of being distant emotionally from them...I'm an open book (heart and wound at various times as well) with them in a way I've never been able to be with anyone else.  I'd chalk it up to material instinct but plenty of parents are emotionally distant.  Ask me how I know  

I'm aware this isn't a normal thought process...I'm working on it.  

So person I haven't seen in forever and will never see again and whose letter isn't in the safe but in my heart because it's too personal and important to be seen by even my family after I die...have a quote image from an anonymous screen name on a website I'm sure you've never heard of.