I'm assuming this is a Cam episode, given his background. Will we get to meet more of his crazy family? Let's see.

We join Phil and Claire in bed - an unfamiliar bed - where they are being woken up by the alarm. Apparently they've been destroyed by Luke's insane soccer schedule. The kid's not very good, either, and is perpetually benched, so they are basically rearranging their lives for nothing. Claire proposes letting him go by himself. Phil is convinced that this will make them bad parents. Claire says her mom never went to her stuff, and she's...uh...fine. (If a tad competitive.) Anyway, she needs the weekends now. Lured by the promise of a robot vacuum cleaner, Phil is sucked in. As long as Luke is okay with being abandoned. He asks if they should stay in bed a bit longer. Hem hem. Opening credits.

Cam and Mitch argue over fabric swatches. Mitch is in a fantod over wedding stuff, Cam is also in a fantod because his sister (Dana Powell) is coming and he hasn't told her he's engaged. She's apparently bitter over being single. An engagement will get awkward, fast. Even Lily is scared of her. Pam (short for "Pameron") arrives, bitching over minor things and making Lily run out of the room. They start to tell her their news, but change it at the last second in favor of "we're getting a new dryer". Looks like they're in for a tough ride.

Alex is mad because her grandfather's beating her at Words With Friends. Aww, little genius can't handle it. Haley makes fun of her, of course. Phil and Claire broach the soccer-abandonment issue with Luke, manipulating him into thinking it's the mature thing to do. He agrees. "Can you imagine how easy it would be if it was just him?" Phil asks, unfortunately in his daughters' earshot. WOW, that was awful, Cool Dad.

Manny has turned Joe into a hipster, and Gloria has come back from the eye doctor with a 20/20 diagnosis. Jay doubts this. We get a montage of Mr Magoo-style slapstick to prove it. Jay thinks Gloria never even went to the doctor, and won't wear glasses because of pride. Manny says she's only hurting herself - just as we hear the dog squeal in pain.

Pam is still complaining, and gets even angrier when she finds a double-groom wedding cake topper. Cam and Mitchell make excuses. Lily announces "My daddies are getting married." That's a good girl!

Anyway, Pam is stunned - and quickly sweeps her future brother-in-law into a hug. She's just thrilled for them. She loves her brother, after all. And it turns out - she's engaged, too! To Cam's childhood crush. He is less thrilled.

Claire got everything done for today, and with nothing to do, she decides to check out the soccer game just to see what's going on - and finds out her son is playing the game of his life. She's stunned, and gleefully sits down to watch.

"Grandpa's cheating," Alex tells her sister. Of course Haley assumes she means on Gloria, but in actuality it's Words With Friends. Phil shows off his robot gutter cleaner. No, that's not a typo. He gets super happy about it. Alex and Haley are not quite so enthused. Unfortunately, the cleaner then wipes out a nest full of baby birds. Phil cries out to God to forgive him as the girls run away screaming. Family time is so great.

Manny and Jay run screaming into the room. Jay has swallowed rat poison! Oh, no! His life depends on Gloria's ability to read the package! As she hemms and haws, Jay gives up and tells her he's dead - or would be were this a real-life situation. They guilt-trip the fuck out of her, which is really evil, IMO. She claims she pretended to have trouble seeing. No one believes her.

Cameron feels jealous of his sister marrying this guy (Beau - how apt), but assures himself that the guy was straight anyway and wouldn't have any interest in him. Just then, her cell phone rings. Cam unwisely picks it up, and with a put-on good ol' boy accent, he assures the guy that he's happy about the wedding, but his big sister had better be taken care of. Pam comes in. She's mad that he can't stand to see her marry Beau, they argue, Mitch awkwardly tries to defuse. She then tells him the whole family warned her about sharing her good news, since everyone knows Cam is jealous of her for being able to handle country life while he fled to the big city. He's not "Farm Strong", but rather a guy who cries all the time. They argue over who's the more sensitive whiner but are interrupted - surprisingly - by the most forceful shout I've ever heard from Mitch. He just wants to know if the sister's name is actually Pameron.

Claire's enjoyment of the soccer game is interrupted by a call from Phil, who's still upset about the baby birds. Hey, I would be too. He thinks the mom bird (a raven) is out to get him. Heh, Poe reference. It's all because they're bad parents, of course - if they had just gone to the soccer game it would never have happened. She awkwardly covers up, tells Luke to keep her presence at the game a secret, and flees the field. Meanwhile, several more ravens have joined the rooftop vigil...

Alex confronts Jay on the Words With Friends Issue, which he dodges. Cam and Pam show up, still fighting. Pam has brought boar for dinner. Mitchell tries to quiet them, which makes things worse. Manny brings up the "murder of crows" thing in front of nervous Phil, while Claire apologizes to Luke for "missing" the game. Luke says his game was "nothing special". Claire is confused by this, and drags him off to talk. Phil and Pam are also apparently buddies. Oh, and Phil can't hear anything related to birds.

Luke explains he doesn't want his dad to feel any worse about missing the game, so he'll just pretend all is well. Claire explains the whole situation to Cam, who just uses it as an excuse to bitch about Pam. However, when Claire joins in, Cam complains that only he can say such things. Whine, whine, whine. And yet, it is so true.

Jay has a surprise for Gloria - a lovely new...pair of glasses. She is furious, and demands that he take the hearing test she's been bugging him to do. Jay reluctantly agrees, Haley breaks out her Hearing Test App (yes, that's a thing - I just did one, heh). It's the one with high-pitched sounds. Jay can't hear anything and thinks they're all lying. They all start arguing over who's the most sensitive. Cam asks if everyone thinks he's fragile. Claire hemms and haws her way through a response. It's painful. Everyone then chimes in with sensitive-Cam stories.  Even Lily admits to pretending to fall asleep when he reads her stories. Phil tries to comfort Cam, but the latter lashes out and drops the bombshell of Claire's soccer game attendance. Gasp! Cam then storms out.

Phil alternates between mad at Claire and proud of Luke. Pam and Mitch find Cam and tell him that his sensitivity is one of his best qualities, as he celebrates the best in life like no other. They reconcile. Gloria and Jay agree to ease up on the glasses topic, but Gloria concedes that she is getting older. Jay gets in a fat joke about Manny. She puts on the glasses - and gasps when she sees her husband. The two agree that if he can't hear her, and she can't see him, it will be a much better marriage. Sigh.

Tag scene: Alex concedes defeat in Words With Friends. She then accuses him of cheating. He tells her she's not always the smartest one in the family, liberally peppering the conversation with big words to prove his point. You go, Jay!

This episode was actually pretty funny, doing the whole "family gathers over a cohesive topic" plot which worked so well in the early seasons. Run-of-the-mill, sure, but it was a solid effort. Good performance from Eric Stonestreet. Don't listen to the critics, guys - Modern Family is still good for a few laughs and truths after all!

FJ Discussion Thread