First, let's start with a public service announcement from CFK. Dear networks: STOP with the double premiere episodes. They are annoying as fuck. It's a premiere of a new season of a long-running show, not the damn moon landing. One week, one episode, maybe skip once in a while if something big's going on. Do I make myself clear?

With that said, let's move on to Episode 2 of Season 7 of The Big Bang Theory. 

Sheldon and Penny come back from grocery shopping. Sheldon is currently entertaining his friend with fun weather facts, which are really not so fun. However, Penny comments that she will miss this time with Sheldon when Leonard gets back soon. Sheldon admits that she's actually done well as his caretaker, though a more detailed report card is forthcoming. Penny shrugs it off, opens the door... and there is Leonard, back early! She shrieks with surprise and delight. He urges her to whisper. Since he's back a little early, he wants to keep it a secret from Sheldon so he and Penny can have a few days of couple time. This will necessitate him staying in Penny's apartment, of course. Penny's cool with this, but the catch - she has to keep on looking after Sheldon, and three of the eggs he just bought aren't jumbo. She'll have to catch up with Leonard after another trip to the supermarket. Opening credits.

I'm seriously worried about Stuart, guys. Sheldon's at the comic book store and the dude looks really depressed. Sheldon, of course, dismisses this as "sad clown" stuff. He's on the lookout for a welcome home gift for Leonard - preferably with a nautical thing. This doesn't mean he's going to buy a rare Aquaman statue, however, at least not until Stuart says he's saving it for a real collector. Hook, line, sinker.

Meanwhile, Raj and Howard get into a comic book argument on the other side of the store, in which Howard is unusually snippy. Oh my god, Bernadette finally got him pregnant, didn't she? Nope, he's on some new diet. Paleo, right? Well, whatever it is, he's on it because he finally had to buy pants in the men's section. He's getting older. Raj assumes he'll take after his mother.

Sheldon winds up buying Aquaman for himself, for $1200, while Leonard will have to be content with a Batman squirt gun (which he is told is really rare). Keep going, Stuart, and you'll be able to buy happiness.

Leonard is showing Penny some pictures of the boat when the pizza man arrives. (Side note: Penny is rocking the lilac-and-black top.) Unfortunately, Sheldon walks by at the time, with Chinese food, and assumes he's invited (and that the pizza man's marijuana stink is cologne). Just as she's about to get rid of him, Leonard flushes the toilet. Penny pretends the toilet's not working, Sheldon offers to fix it and ohmigod this is cliched. He also notices there are two glasses of wine. While trying to cover that up, Penny finally admits she has a problem. AT LONG LAST. Sheldon then spots some takeout containers. She tells him she just wants an evening to herself. Sheldon of all people gets this, so he leaves - but not before asking if she wants to go halfsies on a $200 squirt gun for Leonard.

Howard comes home, and Bernadette offers him a brownie. He flips out at her because he's trying to lose weight, even though he's really really skinny already. They have an argument and ha ha gender roles are reversed aren't we clever. Spare me. He's just come from dinner at his mom's, and literally says "we have a deeply unhealthy relationship". I liked oblivious implications better. Sigh. The old sitcom she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...

Anyway, he asks if she can pick up this experimental cream from work, which his mom has been using for one of her many ailments. Unfortunately, it's loaded with estrogen. Bernadette figures out why Howard has been moody and bloated for weeks. He's been PMSing the whole time! From now on he'll have to wear gloves when massaging it into his mom's skin (ewwww), but in the meantime the hormones will take time to leave his system. Howard gets weepy at the though. Ohhh boy. Bernadette suggests they go to the bedroom but - oh wait, there's a problem with that...

Amy demonstrates her made-up language to Sheldon, but somehow his heart just isn't in it. Soon enough, he admits what's wrong - he thinks Penny is cheating on Leonard while he's away. Amy is skeptical, but soon convinced by the rather weak evidence. Soon enough, they are listening outside Penny's door. Sheldon thinks he hears kissing, but Amy points out he can't possibly know what kissing sounds like. He says no, he learned it from Star Trek. Amy realizes it's Leonard, which Sheldon can't believe, because of course his best friend would tell him when he returned. It's time to find out once and for all. Sheldon whips out his keys and walks in on Penny and Leonard chatting on the couch. Well, that was anticlimactic. Penny screams that he can't barge in on them - to which he leaves and does the Penny knock. Dun dun DUN.

Sheldon is hurt and betrayed, of course, and he and Leonard wind up in a huge argument. Leonard has been tired of their friendship for a long time, and though Amy stays out and Penny tries to pacify them, Sheldon winds up ending the relationship. For good. Or at least one episode. Leonard whips out the promised sailor cap. Too late! At least the ladies think the sailor cap is cute?

Raj comes over, only to find Howard presenting him with little snacks and complaining about his hips. Okay - estrogen does not turn you into a girl, nor does it make you like girly things. If Howard didn't like making dainty sandwiches before, a dose of hormones won't make him like doing it now. We also get a display of Howard's new boobs, which are still pretty much nonexistent. He jiggles around. It's disturbing. The things best friends do for each other.

Speaking of best friends, Sheldon and Leonard are still in a cold war. The trouble is Sheldon's not very good at it. Especially since he still needs a ride to work. He believes that he can't trust anything Leonard says anymore, and harangues him to the point where he is banned from Leonard's car. Smooth move, smart guy.

Soon enough, Amy arrives to drive Sheldon to work. On her way up, she runs into Penny. She reveals that Sheldon's raging mad at both Leonard and Penny (AKA "the succubus"). Penny's really hurt and asks for forgiveness, but Sheldon is firm. He has been betrayed and won't stand for it. He's even willing to throw Amy by the wayside if it comes to it.

At the lunch table, Leonard excitedly tells Howard and Raj about the experience at sea. Sheldon sits down and greets him as "Judas". Everyone tells him to STFU. Doesn't work. Howard gets weepy. However, he also puts things into perspective, saying that Sheldon's only upset because he missed him. And a lot of other TMI stuff. Incredibly, it works. Sheldon and Leonard call a truce.

We get a tag scene where the gang eats dinner together and everything is hunky-dory. To show his appreciation, Sheldon even gives Penny a coupon for 50% off Vagisil, which she promptly gives to hormone-riddled Howard. Best friends! Oh, and Stuart's been demoted from recurring to guest star again.

Okay, so this episode was fairly decent, though nothing particularly unusual happened. Leonard was pretty mean-spirited and Girl Howard was just...dumb, but a sad Sheldon is always good material. Penny also accounted for herself pretty well tonight. Join me next time for more nerdy fun!

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