Welcome back to The Big Bang Theory! That's right, everyone's favorite nerds are back, fresh off a third Emmy win for Jim Parsons. We are now seven years into the show, and I don't know about you, but I'm sure as hell still along for the ride. Let's go.

We begin with Leonard on a ship. Huh? A quick trip down memory lane reminds me that he's on Stephen Hawking's North Atlantic boat. There's a big storm a brewin', though when Leonard tries to tell Sheldon this over the phone, he gets ignored in favor of some misfiled DVDs. Sounds about right. Sheldon bitches while Leonard desperately tries to hold on to the rail. Suddenly, Sheldon hears what sounds like a Kraken - and sure enough, a monster rises out of the water. Sheldon wakes up in bed screaming and promptly dashes across the hall to Penny's. At her confused reaction, he says he's there to protect her from bad dreams in case she's missing Leonard. She winds up comforting him, especially once he admits that he had a nightmare himself over the misfiled DVDs. He then offers to sleep at her place so that she doesn't miss Leonard as much, ahem. She sees right through this but gives in - but is perhaps less willing when he takes her bed. Opening credits. The inter-scene atom things look really cool lately - more pixelated.

The guys are sitting down to lunch, where Raj bores the hell out of them. He's still grieving the end of his relationship, aww, and sees Lucy's face in everything from oil stains to pot pies, eww. Sheldon compares him to a dung beetle. Howard points out that at least he can talk to girls and get a new girlfriend, and encourages Raj to go to a faculty party coming up. "You think you can talk that way because your wife is a person," Raj sniffs. He decides to go, though, and invites Sheldon (Amy's out of town), who of course dismisses it .

Meanwhile, Amy and Bernadette have gone to some kind of conference, where they are rooming. They simultaneously assure their boyfriends that a) they can't talk dirty right now with a roomie present and they will not bring home bedbugs (guess who's talking to whom). However, everyone still loves each other, in their own way. Aww.

Penny and Sheldon are unsuccessfully trying to spend the evening together, with little common ground involving Star Trek and 3D chess. Eventually, they get to the topic of how much they miss Leonard, at least until Sheldon asks for help with his zipper in the bathroom, just like Leonard always does. MOVING ON.

Raj is chatting up a cute PhD at the faculty meeting, where they promise they will check out each others' research - the university equivalent of flirting, I suppose. Even though he can talk to girls, he's still not very good at it. To top it all off, Mrs Davis (played by Regina King - you may remember her from all the episodes where the guys got accused of sexual harassment) is there, presumably to shut down all the fun. Howard mentions that she's recently divorced. Hmmm... however, when she walks over, Raj promptly puts his foot in it. Nicely done, bud. She runs for it. Howard claims it was better when he couldn't talk.

Amy and Bernadette talk science, and how great it is to finally get rid of Penny so they can be all smart and stuff instead of gossiping about boys - well, okay, it's nicer than that. I have to say, it is fun to see the two of them on their own. However, this promptly changes when a guy sends some drinks over and they react like schoolgirls. You can put brains in people, but that doesn't mean they have to use them. Hey-o.

Meanwhile, the excruciating game of 3D chess is still going on, with Penny losing badly. However, she's just delighted the game's almost over - until Sheldon is uncharacteristically nice and lets her win. She needs a drink, badly, but there's no alcohol left, and they change the subject to Leonard. Sheldon suggest that she call him - he can't because (quoting Paul Simon) "I am a rock, I am an iii-iiii-iiiisland." However, when Penny picks up the phone, he squeals like a six-year-old confronted with candy.

Leonard is living it up, rocking a beard and surrounded by attractive young scientists. Life's a party on the Hawking boat. Even though he's having the time of his life (it's 5:30 and he's still dancing), he's thrilled to hear from Penny and Sheldon. He's in the middle of a drinking game, though, so he has to go. Penny can't believe they ever missed him!

Bernadette has explained to the drink-buyers that neither of them is available. Amy is thrilled not to have to "give up the goodies" for her free drink. However, Bernadette points out that no one would blame her if she did talk to them. Amy immediately gets the point: they don't think her relationship with Sheldon is going anywhere. Bernadette tries to dig her way out of it, and they engage in insulting each other's partners. Bernadette try to defuse it, but they are already in for a fight. Uh-oh.

Meanwhile, Penny's pissed because Leonard seems to be doing just fine without them. Um, really? Isn't that kind of harsh, Penny? Sheldon tries to comfort her, but comfort Sheldon-style is not especially helpful. She tries to tell him what he should say, but this just confuses him. "Perhaps you're picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman," he suggests. He's then thrilled to have gotten it right. However, it then slips out that Leonard made Sheldon promise to take care of Penny during his absence - which is sweet and makes her happy. For the time being. Besides, Sheldon admits he's only doing it for the sailor's cap Leonard promised.

Raj goes to see Mrs Davis and apologizes for his insensitivity about her divorce. She clearly doesn't want to talk about it, but forgives him. To make her feel better, he talks about his own breakup, which is of course a roaring success. Not!

Sheldon brings Penny a hot beverage, and she suggests they do something. No, not like that. More like talking. She prompts him to tell her something about himself that she doesn't know. "I own nine pairs of pants" doesn't pass the test, so he moves on to nine pairs of underpants. Penny takes over, and tells him that she did a topless scene in what sounds like the worst horror movie ever. It's unreleased, but somehow Sheldon has scene the classic "Serial Apist". Howard found it when they met her, because of course the first thing he wanted to do was see her boobs. Sheldon thinks he gets the point of the game now, so he confides in her that he tells people he's okay with YouTube's like/dislike system - but he's really not. So daring. Penny gives up, but as she's walking out, Sheldon tells her his feelings are hurt. Even though she might think his secret's frivolous, he doesn't. She apologizes and asks for a hug, he suggests a hearty handshake, he's overruled. All is well.

As they get ready to go to bed, Amy is still giving Bernadette the silent treatment. However, she then admits that it was flattering to get free drinks. They get onto the subject of which man, hypothetically, they would have picked. The lights go back on, and Amy admits she would have gone for the short pervy one with the goofy hair, while Bernadette prefers the tall, thin, sexually inexperienced loner. Well, that's food for thought. They come to the inevitable conclusion that they're talking about each other's partners - and immediately call the conversation to a halt. Good night, indeed.

Mrs Davis and Raj are still having an awkward time, so she throws in an excuse about the babysitter and is about to go. As she is leaving, Raj admits that talking with her was way more interesting than banging a desperate doctoral student. She's immediately suspicious, but he tells her that no, he enjoyed the evening. She gives him a genuine smile, and Raj excitedly tells Howard that he thinks they had a "moment". Oh, dream on. The important thing is, he still has plans - though he has no illusions of his chances of success.

We are treated to the climactic scene of Serial Apist, complete with Penny's atrocious acting. Leonard is showing it to his boat friends - and swears it's his girlfriend. They cheer him on as movie-Penny screams.

Well, this was a slow start. I like the Raj-Mrs Davis stuff and hope it goes somewhere, but the rest kind of felt like a retread. The Amy/Bernadette stuff could have been fun but fell flat, and Sheldon and Penny were dull. Can we please rejoin Leonard on the ship? That looks like way more fun. Regardless, Part 2 will be up in an hour or so. Join me for The Simpsons and Downton Abbey on Sunday!

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