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Confessions of a mom at Halloween...and KISS makeup?



My kids are young adults and long past filling up pillowcases and plastic pumpkins with candy, and since they know I talk to my imaginary friends online but don't know where I can unburden myself from sins of Halloweens past:

  1. I hated making costumes.  The pressure to be creative and not look like something was thrown together by a team of monkeys with a drinking problem made me cranky.  My mom won costume prizes for the handcrafted outfits she'd make my elder siblings...months of love and care went into those costumes.  She was divorced and working when I came of age to whore my cuteness out for candy so one year I got shoved in a box, covered in wrapping paper and went as a birthday present.  In retrospect maybe she should have figured out if kindergarten me would have been able to sit in a classroom chair or pee unassisted in said box.  Thanks for the childhood trauma, Mom.*  
  2. I hated taking them trick or treating when school age.  It was cute when they were toddlers and we'd hit two houses and take a ton of pics and be done with it.  But school age...they want to be out the whole time, there are zillions of other shrieking kids out there (not always a fan of other people's kids), parents I have to pretend to recognize since they clearly know me because people get offended when you have no idea who they are...frankly it was a lot of work for candy which was a good 60% crap anyway.
  3. I hate ringing doorbells.  I have dogs.  Those of you with family members of the canine persuasion who cannot contain their excitement at the sound of the doorbell know exactly which circle of hell I live in during trick or treat hours.  Those that have no idea how annoying this can be just be grateful you have escaped this temporal punishment as I have no words to describe it.
  4. I hated checking every piece for razor blades even though it was an urban legend I just knew the one piece I didn't check would be the piece to prove it true.  And I still felt guilty not going down to the hospital to get it x-rayed.

So there's a lot to hate for me with Halloween, no doubt.  But it's not all bad...

  1. I love candy.  I don't buy it because it's clearly become an idol...but if it's going to enter my house by the pound via pillowcases and plastic pumpkins I am going to embrace that.  And no, I do not feel guilty for stealing liberating a select quantity of Mounds, Almond Joy, Pixie Stix, Tootsie Pops, and Milk Duds.   Charms Blow Pops went immediately into Mommy secret stash.  I left them the Bazooka Bubblegum makes me sad and long for the days before I cared more about my dental work than it's bubblegummy goodness.  Yes, it's technically stealing from small children...okay.  But in a larger sense it's rendering unto Cesar what is Cesar, or in this case me, which is actually a very small fee for having pushed their giant heads into this world and all the work involved in raising them not to mention stifling my eye rolling during trick or treating itself.  They got off cheap.  
  2. I love little ones in costume - I will never not smile at a tiny Batman or Ballerina...anything adorable just melts my heart.  
  3. Ditto pets in costume!  If they look unhappy I don't enjoy it and stink eye their owners, but the little dogs running around in fancy pants outfits for the occasion just loving life?  I am delighted and jealous...because when you try to outfit my dogs in anything they lie there giving you the side eye like you're Kris Kardashian selling them out to the public.  My dogs have a stronger sense of personal dignity than any Kardashian offspring*
  4. The coolest house to hit in our old neighborhood was the guy who gave out full sized Snickers bars taped to toothbrushes.  Dr. Neighbor, DDS was all about indulge, then brush.  I don't even eat Snickers, just thought the full sized bar was awesome and usually stolen by my mom or one of my siblings before I had my bag emptied.  I always got to keep the toothbrush, though.

*Like this...you just can't make him wear a jaunty hat when he's looks so ashamed.


To help improve the experience for all here are a couple of holiday tips from your friendly neighborhood curmudgeon:

  1. Do not give away dum-dum suckers.  They aren't candy -  they are 90% cardboard.  
  2. Religious people with the tracts - tape some candy to it if you want them to throw them away at home rather than leave them crumpled on your front lawn.  And no one in the history of time has been converted by a lunatic subverting Halloween with a candy-free option.  Know your audience. 
  3. Smarties seem like the crappy throw away candy, but you're wrong.  Here's a recipe:  Pour all smarties into a a freezer bag, then double bag it to prevent tears.  Smash the crap out of it with a rolling pin until all are a super fine powder...pour into a dixie cut and voila!  Pixie Stix without the straw.  Good anytime you need a little jolt of happiness.  (food processors don't work as well due to the size of the smarties - rolling pin is faster and more effective.)
  4. The fireproof safe is an excellent place to hide candy stolen acquired from suspicious children.

*You'd think this would have spurred me on to be the costume master for my own kids, but no.  Case in point my daughter has to dress up for work tomorrow and was asking for help in deciding what to be.  I told her to go as Buffy the Vampire Slayer since she has similar hair to season 1 Buffy and a similar look and she could wear her regular clothes.  I was told I lacked imagination.  I diagree...I think it's very creative to find a way to meet the requirement with zero effort.  Kids, what do they know.  Although she reminded me of the time I had one of the boys put on a brown leather jacket and go as Angel.  It was a good idea then, too...he was too old to be trick or treating and helping me out with the little one.  It worked.  

My other suggestion was that she go as "surprised."  That's a good costume and no prep required.  When someone asks her what she is she just needs to do this...


And what is Halloween without surprises?  Here's something you don't know about me...I am very good at applying KISS Make-Up.  I can't get consent to post from faux Peter Criss or Ace Frehley, but here are a couple examples of my Gene Simmons (no , no one was Paul...who wants to be Paul?)  These may or may not be people I know; for all you know I accost random strangers with KISS make-up and then they consent for me to post it on my blog (that they laugh at and don't believe exists.)

Hiding them because I know some people recoil at KISS make-up as it's too much like clown faces...if I could have spoiler tagged my bedroom as a kid my sister would have been a lot happier.



And what would a Halloween blog post be without a snuggly black cat.  Loves!  If you need spoiler tags for cuteness you have issues.





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Hey, I like dum dums, especially the mystery flavor.

~ducks, twice~

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  • Posts

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      • Upvote 1

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